BlueRizla

I think the last time I posted on this thread I was challenging myself to 3 months NC. Its now over 4... 123 days to be exact. Do I deserve to give myself a pat on the back? I dunno. It doesnt feel like much of an achievement to purposely not get in touch with the woman I still have so much love for. Though it had to be done and I'm grateful for the insights and knowledge I have gained in the process. Today started ok but now its going downhill. A couple of pics on FB can do that to you. Nothing suggesting anything other than.. I still fancy the pants off her lol. I dont know what is right anymore. So many are posting on NC. To catch up or not to catch up. NC, LC or just C..? She wouldnt know me anymore, though in a good way. I'm just the authentic me again. She saw glimpses of that. I was a mess. I hold my hands up. I was in a bad way when I met her and lost myself trying to use the connection to give me strength but things were only ever going to change while I was on my own and I did it for me. It's the only way to be sure. Life is bittersweet isnt it fellow ENAers!? She protects herself through denial and would need to admit her own issues if anything were ever to happen between us. She will never contact me. She thinks we are 'not suited'..thats all I got..along with all the blame. It was a funny split.. kinda mutual..we were both hurting. I worked hard on myself..I knew what had to be done and I did it.. I tried to sort it out but it was too soon and I hadnt got a handle on my emotions and I'm sure I pushed her away for ever. Crap. Really crap. Have I healed?.. I think i'd be sure if I had..so I guess I havent. Therefore Day 123.. keep on keepin' on!

If you actually read the research it states..lack of effect on the brain in terms of memory or cognitive function once heavy long term users have quit for a number of months. The studies found the same result after a week of stopping. It can affect working memory while smoking it but again..nothing long term. It's also proving to be beneficial to many patients in pain relief. Its abuse of any substance that causes problems..so yeah..everything in moderation.

The vast percentage of AandE admissions in the UK are for alcohol related incidents. It is a social menace that costs lives in many many ways both directly and indirectly, costs the tax payer in medical and social order terms and over stretches the health system, regularly putting more deserving people down the list for treatment. Alcoholism is a recognised disease. My mother is now sober 20 yrs after going through rehab twice for alcoholism. It almost cost her her life, her health, her sanity, it ruined her marriage, she lost her driving licence, almost lost her freedom and contributed to me having a few issues as I was a teenager when all this was happening. Alcohol is chemically addictive therefore much more potent in terms of addiction. My own struggle with weed lasted over 10 yrs and cost me my motivation, lost opportunities, a couple of relationships, my self esteem, my self worth, alot of money and maybe my health in later life from the effects of smoking. Medical research seems to suggest that any impaired brain function returns once a person quits smoking the stuff. I can vouch for that. It is only psychologically addictive and much easier to quit than alcohol and has few social ills apart from the illegal trade and a desire to withdraw for many. It also has many positive effects if used in the right way. Though withdrawl from life for regular smokers can be very debilitating.. Weigh up the balance for yourselves. Socially I feel long term alcohol abuse is much worse than weed but its a nice taxed legal drug so its ok then..hmm. One of the worst effects from alcohol is that it causes violence. Even a few too many on a weekend can create havoc for anyone. That just doesn't happen with weed no matter how the hysterical media try to paint it. You only have to look at reality TV in the Uk and the slew of junk programmes to see its effect. Its really grim. I have never seen an 17 yr old girl with her skirt round her ankles lying in the street from a few joints. I have never seen anyone punch someone in the face after a few joints yet week in week out this happens after a few drinks to many who probably don't even get a sniff of the stuff during the week and are usually decent people. Obviously this is binge drinking but binge weed smoking..well.. I loved the munchies, the music and the films. But it still ruined my life in so many ways. But it only affected me and thats my point. I've also noticed when there is stabbing, in London say, often the sensationalist end of the media will quote the perpetrators as high on weed. Why do they demonise it in this way? I know the answer to that, just a statement. Though in combination with booze the paranoia with weed can be very dangerous and this is often not quoted. With weed ..long term use really only effects those who may have previous issues..which I did. It was emotional avoidance. Deal with those emotions and most can stop weed quite easily. With booze, the chemicals make you crave it physically and emotionally.. To me that is much worse. A few drinks or a few joints now and again is harmless if you keep to that. Everything in moderation.

up, down, up, down. The reality of how long and rehashing my last email was is hitting home. Just glad I never did any begging and trying to be proud of the fact that i can show my emotions however she sees it. At least its all out. I told her I was through.. I'm finding it hard to live with that right now. It said on another thread .. 'connecting but not pursuing'.. now I was doing that and then lost it..why oh why!!!!

If you asked me today I would have said I was over her but tonight I havent been using the force that well as I was checking my phone. God knows why..she's not going to get in touch. NC is second nature to her. She may as well have been doing it when I was in her company sometimes. I told her not to contact me so checking my phone - its totally irrational. I almost texted her but am glad I didnt as it would have been a load of drivel. NC sucks ass but it's really starting to do its work.. during the day only tho. Watching Salems Lot.

Feeling surprisingly ok. Just waiting for it all bite me on the ass again. I've been here before. So far today I'm mostly thinking about what I have actually achieved to make amends for the issues I brought to this relationship. It was never about treating her badly or any arguments. I loved her with all my heart. There were just things I needed to do for myself before I could fully participate in being with someone again. I didn't see them until I was back in this position after a 2 year sabbatical from relationships. I do wonder why I didn't deal with this stuff then but I guess life works out that way sometimes and you need to be in there to feel what you need to so fundamental shifts can take place. Today I feel a vaguely bitter my courage and ability to move forward haven't really been acknowledged. Maybe that tells me all I need to know. I'm definitely letting her go, though I saw a good card today in a local shop and I bought it. Y'know.. just in case lol. Though I wonder who will eventually get it. Will it be her? Really depends if she ever takes a good look inside herself. This really is her loss as well as mine.

7 weeks isnt long by anyone's standards. Dont be so hard on yourself. There is nowt wrong with you. I'm 10 weeks post split, broken NC 3 times..If there's anything wrong with anyone its me! You're doing well. Have another look at that anger and see if you're blaming yourself again. My ex is great at NC. I don't even think she's doing NC..it just comes naturally to her as she doesnt want to be with me.

Blaming myself again. Getting quite used to this now after breaking NC three times over the last 2.5 months. Still little acknowledgment on what I have achieved. She wanted me to change and told me I didnt want to. Really love? I was already changing. Have been for years. Didnt you ******* notice? I told you often enough. Its what I do..move forward..part of who I am...just not at your pace. What has she changed? Nothing! Absolute denial. I tried my best to make amends. In fact i went beyond that. She still refuses to accept any blame as she would have to look at herself and then there would then be much less justification for her actions. In fact since i took the blame she hangs it all on that. I put it to her straight 4 days ago. I may as well have been talking to the wall Shirley Valentine styleee. I accept I will never see her again. Or maybe its at the point where she will never see me again... Fed up trying. I'm happy to take blame.. just not all of it. I have made every mistake in the book. And at my age..what a way to learn. I cant get out of bed today. Yuk.

21 days now..and nearly gave in today. Did the phone a friend thing and he talked me down. My hissy fit lasted about 4 hours. It was the stupidest, silliest, most insignificant thing ever that threw me..and my reaction tells me NC is still my friend. Thank god it's over. Until the next one!!!!

Day 2..for 4th time lol. What the hell.