The eight week challenge - For the ladies

[1guygirl]

day uhmn *really have to count here* ....day 45??? NC and 10 weeks since split

 

now i know i said to him that i dunno if i could do friends and to give me some space etc etc so the no contact thing is ok....but im kicking myself its 10 weeks since we broke and i still have feelings...im angry and pissed off at myself. i think this 'abandonment' thing has cut deep - second guy in a row whose done that....story of my life and im still waiting for counseling appointment. guess theres no immediate rush as yet....not like i am getting back with him

 

still some guys are shoing interest but they are knobs if im being honest and im not ready

 

booked my angelic reiki course anyway and managed to half spring clean house id been procrastinating for weeks about doing so that summit i suppose

[deecbee]

Yeah, it is best to stop looking at the FB page, even if there's nothing new or noteworthy there. It still gets his memory churning in your brain. I can't see anything but his picture and fan pages on his, but of course that's too much. I've managed to piece together through his new fan pages that he's moved to a different city in the area and it gets me thinking about all the new friends he's probably making, new roommate (girl?!?!), new activities, distractions... ugh. Just bad.

 

And I agree, once we get through this, we are invincible. Or, we better be!

[deecbee]

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah screw him and his stupid birthday

 

 

Lol, I can't wait until June 19th, when it's his birthday and I get to do.... NOTHING!! I can't help but feel that my silence is going completely unnoticed right now. Not saying anything to him on his birthday... not a text, a quick email, a card... ahh, that would be sweet.

 

Childish as it may be, I cannot wait.

[jenmar]

Day two...successful so far.

nice.

I know that this thread initially states that if a man really cares it will take 8 weeks for him to notice.. well its been almost two months since the break up.. but a little over two weeks since I heard from him- the last I heard from him he wanted to work thigns out.. then BAM. he dropped off the face of the earth.

 

So I am using the 8 week challenge to prove to myself that if I can survive 8 wks without contacting him, then I am better off.

 

I highly doubt he will contact me, he has ignored every attempt for me to try and contact him.

 

blahhh.. I know in my heart im better off, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him

and wish he missed me..

 

oh well..on to better things.

[kind of blue]

 

Eight weeks is a long time. He dumped me in the dead of winter. Now it is spring.

 

I love that line - it bought a smile to my face

[uncomfynumb]

I love that line - it bought a smile to my face

 

Yeah mine too!

 

"The hills are alive with the sound of music!"

 

It's almost impossible to be sad when you are dancing and singing that song!

[kind of blue]

Yeah mine too!

 

"The hills are alive with the sound of music!"

 

It's almost impossible to be sad when you are dancing and singing that song!

 

Yeah, I watched that at the weekend..... If only I was a lovestruck nun about to find her knight in shining armour - don't think I could put up with all those kids tho!!

[crymeout]

well im on 7 weeks now nc and NOTHING i think this is the end for me and him seriously he isnt coming back and i am kidding myself into thinking he will miss me and be in touch.

everyone thought he would and he hasnt.

i still feel the same and trying to keep myself busy and the days are going by slower and longer and i dont see no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. i wish it would hurry up i hate feeling like this and i hate that i may feel like this over the summer, i love the summer

ive been asked on 5 dates now not accepted any really altho was considering going to one this sunday, but i am still unsure, i am not sure if he is sincere, i seem to get nothing but exs or slimeballs ask me out like pigs out for a good time and i can spot them a mile off, i hate it that this is possibly the way my love life is going to be for the next couple of years. and i know some of you may say im being a drama queen and being all over the top BUT seriously before i met my ex i ,met pig after pig and i am depressed at the thought of having to go through all that again and all that time going by and not finding another guy who will make me feel even remotely close to him as my ex did.... i knew how long it took me to meet a guy like my ex so i know i am doomed for unhappiness for now...i wish karma would throw me some good luck for a change, i must have done something pretty bad in a past life...

 

anyways just wanted to post something im going crazy here, i have this nc but i guess i have to keep going, but for me my relationship seems well and truelly over, he seems to not care at all hasnt attempted to be in touch and quite frankly seems to have moved on and not even miss me a little bit.........

 

it sucks and i hate it

 

oh and its his bday this sat and well i wont contact him and it would make me feel good if i knew that this would bother him, but to be honest i dont think he would even be botherd that i didnt txt or call or send a card, he wouldnt care

 

was thinking of sending a moonpig card but whats that going to do? he wont care he wont even like it, but i guess i thought as i always sent him moon pig cards when he was away alot he may remember this and miss me and think it was sweet, who knows, prob a bad idea anyways

[uncomfynumb]

I have learned that I can be too accomodating and too giving and I can end up feeling resentful if I don't get back. Of course I know the reason to give is not to get back however I have also learned that giving too much is not healthy either.

 

I have learned that when I feel insecure, I start giving and accomodating more! Well isn't that nice! I now feel resentment on the top of my insecurity!

 

I've learned the reasons for my insecurity; fear of abandoment by someone that I have feelings for and that I've invested a lot in. So then I've learned to invest less and only when appropriate.

 

And I've learned that no matter how old you are or where you are in life, there is still something to learn!

[marshmlofluff]

I have learned that I can be too accomodating and too giving and I can end up feeling resentful if I don't get back. Of course I know the reason to give is not to get back however I have also learned that giving too much is not healthy either.

 

I have learned that when I feel insecure, I start giving and accomodating more! Well isn't that nice! I now feel resentment on the top of my insecurity!

 

I've learned the reasons for my insecurity; fear of abandoment by someone that I have feelings for and that I've invested a lot in. So then I've learned to invest less and only when appropriate.

 

And I've learned that no matter how old you are or where you are in life, there is still something to learn!

 

Great post.

[incaangelique]

This dumb 8 week thing is just making people feel bad. crymeout should feel proud of herself, and this stupid 8 week thing just makes her feel bad.

[uncomfynumb]

One more thing...

 

I've also learned that what I really want is a committed relationship/marriage with a person that wants the same.

 

The crazy thing is that I never knew that I wanted that until the last 6 months or so. Or I didn't care about that so much then for whatever reason. Before I met my ex, I was single and free and loving every minute of it. And then something inside me changed. Reconnecting with God and my spiritual side has had a large influence on my life. I'm not sure that I fully understood or accepted myself as a woman and my roles in a spiritual sense. And now my faith guides me and I faith in my faith.

 

I know that from this day forward; indeed from this day backward my faith has been guiding me all along but there were many, many times I lost it. But it always had me...

 

Faith has taught me above all else not to worry. : )

[crymeout]

hey its not the thread that makes me feel bad not at all. I am proud that i have got through 7 weeks and had NC with my ex. Its my situation that is making me feel bad the whole way its turned out. even if it wasnt for this thread i would still prob be fighting with my emotions and clinging onto that little bit of hope, especially since he came back before.

but now its been going on too long we have never gone this long without talking and well thats whats making me feel sad.

 

but i know i MUST stick with NC to heal and if he comes back its a bonus, i just dont get how he isnt missing me thats all, missing us and how we were........i guess he isnt and its me thats having trouble moving on and i need to somehow correct that

[uncomfynumb]

This dumb 8 week thing is just making people feel bad. crymeout should feel proud of herself, and this stupid 8 week thing just makes her feel bad.

 

Well, I posted this dumb thread and I don't feel bad. What gives?

 

This thread was in no way a guarantee that by challenging yourself to stay NC for 8 weeks that your ex would come back. I never once said that nor did I post it for that reason. I posted it to share what the author wrote because I thought she made some good points.

 

If you don't find this thread benefical or helpful, you certainly have every right to avoid it.

[uncomfynumb]

I am very, very proud that you have got through 7 weeks crymeout. And I am so glad to hear you write that you are proud of yourself!

 

You have done better than I have so you are my inspiration and you will be the inspiration to many, many, others!

 

((hugs))

[uncomfynumb]

This thread was geared toward men that may be uncertain about committment. Not for men that have other problems that may make them certain about committment but for those that were just uncertain about commitment itself and commitment with you.

 

So..... If your ex happens to have a change of heart and come back, what makes you certain that he will be back for good? That he just won't change his mind again?

 

So..... if your man does come back, what is going to keep him with you? What have you changed about yourself that may or may not have contributed to his inability to commit to you?

 

The cold, hard truth is, and we have kinda avoided in this thread is that some men don't commit not just because they have this fear of committment in general, but that they have a fear of committing to you.

 

I personally have taken the time to read, to learn to think, and to grow from this. And through it all I have come to the conclusion that if my man were to come back, that I would not run right into his loving arms. I know I would talk to him about it and hear him out but I am not sure anymore.

 

So.... my last question is, are you sure? If so, why the certainity? What made your relationship so great and you so great that a man could just up and end it?

 

These questions may sound harsh but try not to see them as such, but instead probing.

 

There is still so much to learn!

[squirl]

This thread was geared toward men that may be uncertain about committment. Not for men that have other problems that may make them certain about committment but for those that were just uncertain about commitment itself and commitment with you.

 

So..... If your ex happens to have a change of heart and come back, what makes you certain that he will be back for good? That he just won't change his mind again?

 

So..... if your man does come back, what is going to keep him with you? What have you changed about yourself that may or may not have contributed to his inability to commit to you?

So.... my last question is, are you sure? If so, why the certainity? What made your relationship so great and you so great that a man could just up and end it?

 

 

My man won't be back. He's not the same person I fell in love with. He actually seems like kind of a monster to me.

 

Knowing now what he's capable of, what his pattern is, I could never fall fir him again. I know it's a script because I found his own Friendster where he used the exact same line with his ex that he used with me. When he ended it he started to demote me to friend, calling me "dude" like he called his ex. It is part of the script.

 

He'd have to totally mature and change and that's not going to happen in 8 weeks

[squirl]

Day 10 my sisters.

 

Days since smoking: 2 (v. good)

 

weight: 128 lbs

 

unwanted communications from Ex: 1

 

The Ex invited me to join a group on Facebook.

 

Bummer how all the love stories seem so special and unique, but so many of the breakups are the same.

[marshmlofluff]

Days since smoking: 2 (v. good)

weight: 128 lbs

unwanted communications from Ex: 1

 

What a great post. Here are my stats:

 

Loser ex: -1

Days of strict NC: 82

Days before noticing significant healing: 45

Unwanted communications from loser ex: 1 (missed call)

Days since I went to the gym: 24 (not good)

Weight: Not gonna tell you that

New (and much nicer) boyfriends acquired post-dump: 1

 

Life does get better. I promise.

[jenmar]

I think this thread was very useful and informative.

No it doesn't state anywhere here that if you go NC that 8 weeks later your ex will come running back.

In my opinion if you give your ex man 8 weeks of NC and he doesn't come back you know that there is either a. no emotional attachment, and b. no desire for a committed relationship, thus he wasn't the one for you anyways.

 

Its been about two months since my ex dumped me and almost three weeks since I heard from him and I am not day 3 in a row of NC.. after bouncing back and forth with NC.

To be honest I am not sure I would want him back.. yes I miss him, but to know the heartless behavior he is capable of makes me not want anything to do with him.

 

Do I miss him, yes.. Do i see a future with him no.

I have learned a lot about him, his patterns, and a lot about myself.

 

I would take this 8 week challenge and not make it all about the hopes of him calling.. but a rehabilitation period for you.. a time to heal. a time to make yourself better..

This way if he doesn't call.. or try to contact you after two months.. then you are already on your way to feeling better.. and if he does contact you, you are feeling better and at a good emotional place for conversation.

 

 

 

[jaygirl]

Uncomfy said something about faith and i would also want to write on that. I am in a 12 step program and i have come t learn quite a lot. i had actually been neglecting it, till i decided to leave my ex. The main reason i left (truthfully) was because i actually thought that leaving would make him realise he wanted to commit, not because i wanted to move on. Because truth be told, he didnt treat me bad.

 

Right now, i have been on NC for 23 or 24 days, and i had only one missed call from him. Initially i was always worrying, but right now, i know that WORRY IS MENTAL PUNISHMENT. Worrying isnt going to change things, thinking about him and rationalising whether i made a mistake by leaving isnt going to change things. I trust my Higher Power (God) and i keep telling my self that if i made a mistake, and God knows my ex is the one for me, then he would correct the mistake and bring him back. If he is not, then someone else is definitely going to come along.

 

sometimes we tend to look at the short term of things. i look around and see so many cases of wife battery and adultery which is not really illegal in my country. Who knows or who doesnt know what God is trying to protect me from? Or maybe there is some special man out there waiting for me, that i couldnt have met if i was still with the ex? Or what if God wants me to get matured before getting married? People change. what if we get married and he decides he doesnt love me anymore? or decides to take a second wife? (its legal here)? so many things we do not know.

 

Overall, i am still glad i met and dated my ex, because i learnt a lot from him, and most importantly, i joined my support group (co-dependent anonymous) when i noticed i was going insane over him and going crazy because he couldnt commit. I havent reached where i want to reach, but i definitely know that if i had gotten married to anyone without doing this steps, i would have made a horrible wife.

 

(when we talk about our exes, sometimes we fail to mention our won shortcomings) I used to hack his mails, check his phone constantly and add his female friends on facebook! I once tried to hit him with a glass bottle when he saved a girls number under a different name and i found out, and i missed, so the glass smashed on the wall, but all thru all this, he stuck by me. I wonder what kind of wife i would hae become for any man like that.

 

So that much said, i am still glad we seprated (even though it hurts), i still love him, but i am not worrying myself. Each time i start to feel bad or depressed, i simply tell my Higher Power that i trust him, and i know he wants the best for me. He says in his word that we should be still for he is God, and i am banking on that. I cannot lose the right man who is meant forr me!

 

My siblings keep telling me i look to happy for someone that is broken up. But i tell them, i am not sad, because i knw everything happens for a reason. I used to be someone who thought i could never be okay without a man by my side, and here i am, happy confident and moving on.

 

you cant lose whats yours, as long as you have God on your side. I am moving forward and making my life bettter. If he comes back, good, if he doesnt, then it means there is someone fabulous out there waiting for me!

[uncomfynumb]

Good post and very inspirational. I bet it felt good to write it too. : )

[Whistle]

Day of Strict NC: 1

 

I made the mistake of contacting him yesterday. I was devastated when I didn't receive a scholarship I worked for and because he was the one who knew how much it meant to me, I called him. We eventually moved to instant messaging. He was fair, but hardly a comfort. And eventually, I segued stupidly into a talk about our relationship.

 

But because of that at least now it's clear I have to move on. He was a jerk throughout that conversation. I appreciate he was honest, telling me the problem was me and not commitment. He told me I was boring and that he was boring and that was just not a good fit. When I finally said I wanted space and can't be his friend, he said not to expect him to be depressed over that. As if I were doing it for him.

 

I know I am better off without him. And to a certain extent, better off without the scholarship because I applied for it with him in mind. His words were hurtful, but they're just words. Even if I know the good in him, can I return to him after that conversation? No. And I refuse to believe our relationship brought out the worse in him (because that's what he says). We were graduating and somewhere along the transition, he became selfish. How contradictory of him to tell me the world is bigger than our relationship while he blames so much on it. He had a life other than me; he was the one who shut off other opportunities.

 

Anyway. He isn't my problem anymore.

 

I have to admit I feel very defeated right now and all my plans have crumbled. It's quite a scary feeling for a fresh college graduate who has been told she has such a bright future. But at least now I get to start afresh and rebuild a me with stronger foundations.

 

This is for healing.

[squirl]

What a great post. Here are my stats:

 

Loser ex: -1

Days of strict NC: 82

Days before noticing significant healing: 45

Unwanted communications from loser ex: 1 (missed call)

Days since I went to the gym: 24 (not good)

Weight: Not gonna tell you that

New (and much nicer) boyfriends acquired post-dump: 1

 

Life does get better. I promise.

 

Well that's a nice outcome!

 

As for me:

 

Day 11 of NC

Trips to grocery store: 1

Weight: 128

Days without smoking: 0.5

New and much nicer boyfriends: 0

 

Definitely starting to feel better. Maybe a guy tried to pick me up at the grocery store?

[deecbee]

Day 27 (day 34 if you don't count the extremely brief bday text message he sent)

 

I have a question for you all- part of me really, really wants to hear back from him, and the other part of me thinks that I am better off without him. He did the dumping and wished me well, but I don’t wish HIM well. Is that awful? I really hope he has a miserable life, and in my heart of hearts, I think he will. Living with this belief that he will most likely go through life hating everything actually gets me through this. Am I being selfish or hindering my own progress by holding onto thoughts like this?