My girlfriend is an ex <> slept with 15 guys

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Would you prefer a woman who has no experience? This is a thought id ask myself when I was having insecurity problems.

 

And the answer for me was no. Whose to say one day shes isnt going to decide i wanna experience other people since ive only been with my BF.

 

Least your GF is experienced and had all her fun and now shes ready for long-term committed relationships.

 

Most likely she learned one night stands aren't that fun. And now she feels she wants or deserves better. Thats respectable.

 

 

I always see this faulty line of reasoning here on ENA....let's villify the virgin by imagining that she might turn into a dissatisfied sex fiend once she has experienced her first sex partner. I hate to break it to you but lots of the "I am bored with our sex life and want to sample others" lines come from men and women who were no virgins before..many have had plenty of sexual experience and still grow bored with the person they are seeing and think someone else would be more exciting to test drive.

[HeartGoesOn]

I don't think there is anyone here, that can tell you how to come to terms with this. Either you're able to get past this on your own, or you're not, it's a choice that you alone have to make.

[diabolik]

Seems like an attempt to make him feel worse then he already does.

That's how you see it. I saw your suggested notion as being one that gives him a false hope.

 

Since he entered this territory by asking about her past, let him make a decision based on the facts that he knows and those that are likely to flow from what she has told him. If she said she slept with 15 (assuming she meant vaginal and/or anal intercourse), then odds are very high that the actual number is 15 or greater. It is very unlikely to be lower, as you suggested. Also, odds are pretty good she has given oral to more than 15.

 

And if he decides to see past this, then he won't be back here in another 6 months if he happens to discover that she's blown 30 guys or had a threesome. On the other hand, if he buys into your notion, he may very well have to revisit this issue upon learning any new info about her sexual history. Been there, done that; it's gut wrenching.

[Happy Bunny]

Um, I never said I call her horrible names.I said ho just so everyone who wants to help me can understand what Im dealing with.Nothing more.

 

I have one question: how old is this girl? To a 35 year old, 15 partners isn't that many. But if she's only 17 or 18, then yeah, that's a lot.

[annie24]

My take on the situation is this - and i'm sure that others have already pointed this out. If the first thing you heard when your gf said she has been with 15 guys was that she is a *&@#(%, then honestly, i think you just need to break up with her and move on. i don't know if your gut level reaction will change. I agree with diabolik who says you'll just be back here in 6 months when you find out she's had a 3some or something else, etc.....

 

personally, i think that you are the result of your previous experiences, and her past is partially what has made her who she is today. but, the past is also in the past. if you can't accept her for who she is without thinking bad words about her in her head, then i say just move on.

 

(PS - ask most people what they think of a man who has been with 15 women, and they won't think he's a @#($&, just a guy with game. blah. hate the double standard!!!!)

[Siriana]

OP to fully get the picture it would be wise to disclose how old the two of you are.

 

If a woman is 30 and she started having sex at 20 and she had 2 relationships per year it would mean she had 20 partners. So it seems a lot but looking at it on a yearly basis it doesn't seem that weird and over the top.

 

But as many before me stated, since you are bothered by it to this extent maybe she's not the girl for you. This level of resentment you are feeling is not respectful toward her nor healthy for the relationship.

 

I guess you need someone who had the same amount of sexual experience as you did.

[Ms Darcy]

Well thats true I should have worded it better I just was frantic for help with this cause obviously I dont know how to deal with it.

 

I think it's helpful to imagine yourself in her shoes. Imagine you had the same number of experiences, you want a long term relationship, and you have a partner who is freaking out about this fact. How would you feel?

[trezz]

My girlfriend is an ex ho that slept with 15 guys in the past and I'm desperately trying to look past it but it's a very hard pill to swallow even though I really love her can someone please help me?BTW Ive only slept with 5 girls and am aware that is bad too but 15 is a little much for me.

 

these are not words of love.

 

you judge her and the bold letters are how you feel about her.

[StrawberryYogurt]

If a woman is 30 and she started having sex at 20 and she had 2 relationships per year it would mean she had 20 partners. So it seems a lot but looking at it on a yearly basis it doesn't seem that weird and over the top.

 

Having had 20 relationships in 10 years is a really really bad thing. I wouldn't date anyone who had anywhere near 15 past partners so I totally understand the OP's pt of view.

[hockeyboy]

^ thats fine, thats your opinion, as long as you realize you're in the minority?

 

and i'm curious, what is your rationale? is it because you haven't had close to 15?

[annie24]

Having had 20 relationships in 10 years is a really really bad thing. I wouldn't date anyone who had anywhere near 15 past partners so I totally understand the OP's pt of view.

 

if that is how you feel and that is what you want, that's fine, everyone has their own opinion.

 

my only concern is that if the OP feels the same way as you, that there's no point in continuing the relationship. i don't think that this is something that he can just get over. it sounds like a dealbreaker, time to move on.

[midnightrambler]

Well thanks guys but my insecurity IS the problem and that's what I need help with cause I do really love my girl.All the other advice given for this is stuff I already realize. So GET OVER IT doesnt actually help me at all.

 

i don't think you will ever get over it.....i suspect you will eventually have to move on from her

[hexaemeron]

if that is how you feel and that is what you want, that's fine, everyone has their own opinion.

 

my only concern is that if the OP feels the same way as you, that there's no point in continuing the relationship. i don't think that this is something that he can just get over. it sounds like a dealbreaker, time to move on.

 

This confuses me. Short of murder, rape, theft or some other heinous crime, why does something someone does in THE PAST have such a big impact on how you view him/her today?

[Siriana]

Having had 20 relationships in 10 years is a really really bad thing. I wouldn't date anyone who had anywhere near 15 past partners so I totally understand the OP's pt of view.

 

You believe it's a lot. I believe it's not that unlikely at all. There is nor right or wrong here. Being judgemental is not cool.

[diabolik]

You believe it's a lot. I believe it's not that unlikely at all. There is nor right or wrong here. Being judgemental is not cool.

In the real world, we have to make judgments about people we form relationships with.

[StrawberryYogurt]

In the real world, we have to make judgments about people we form relationships with.

 

Exactly so long as we are not hypocritical and I don't see the OP being hypocritical.

[StrawberryYogurt]

This confuses me. Short of murder, rape, theft or some other heinous crime, why does something someone does in THE PAST have such a big impact on how you view him/her today?

 

Because it often (though not always) tells what a person's values are today. Past is often prologue.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Because it often (though not always) tells what a person's values are today. Past is often prologue.

 

I agree. Just like there are people who are politically liberal or politically conservative, there are people who are sexually liberal and sexually conservative. It has to do with what a person's values are and if they mesh. Just like some people need to be with those who have similar political leanings, similar exercise values, similar education values, similar lifestyle values etc, same with sexual values.

[annie24]

This confuses me. Short of murder, rape, theft or some other heinous crime, why does something someone does in THE PAST have such a big impact on how you view him/her today?

 

lol, this reminds me of an ad (written in the fine print) on some mutual fund company: "Past performance does not necessarily indicate future results."

 

I understand StrawberryYogurt's statement that it can indicate their current values. But people can also change. Like Siriana, I personally don't think 2 lovers a year is excessive, but then again, those numbers do add up over a while, true.

 

I think you just have to look at people on a case by case basis.

[15 Storeys High]

Seems to me the OP just wanted to come on here and call his girlfriend derogatory names to make himself feel better. If he really wanted advice he'd have answered the many questions asked by posters trying to offer advice and help. But instead, he's ignored all of that. Pointless.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

lol, this reminds me of an ad (written in the fine print) on some mutual fund company: "Past performance does not necessarily indicate future results."

 

I understand StrawberryYogurt's statement that it can indicate their current values. But people can also change. Like Siriana, I personally don't think 2 lovers a year is excessive, but then again, those numbers do add up over a while, true.

 

I think you just have to look at people on a case by case basis.

 

2 lovers a year is indeed excessive..it is going through partners like underwear...not being very selective in whose genitals are rubbing against yours.

[Cognitive_Canine]

In the real world, we have to make judgments about people we form relationships with.

 

But if those judgements depict that person as a bad person, what's the point of continuing the relationship.

 

I would never call my boyfriend a derogatory term due to his past. I shouldn't be dating him if I felt he deserved that term.

[annie24]

2 lovers a year is indeed excessive..it is going through partners like underwear...not being very selective in whose genitals are rubbing against yours.

 

well, that is your opinion, but that is not everyone's opinion.

[Beautiful Nightmare]

OP, just curious... at what point does a girl become a "ho"? After 5 sex partners? 6? Where do you draw the line?

 

There's no magic pill to make you get over something. You either accept it or you don't. If you've always thought a girl who slept with __ people is a ho, it's likely your opinion won't change.

 

Ask yourself something... knowing what you know now, can you imagine yourself marrying this girl? If the answer is no, then that also answers your original question. How do you get over it? You don't.

[Blue Spiral]

OP--you should just end this now, to save both you and her from a lot of drama. Sexual compatibility isn't a minor issue; trying to work around it will most likely make both of you miserable.