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My girlfriend is an ex <> slept with 15 guys

ivinsjames

By ivinsjames
in Relationship Advice

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sophie274 Mentor

sophie274

Posted
Posted

I personally don't think insecurity is the only reason not to want to be with someone who's had a high number of sex partners. It may be, but not necessarily.

 

But obviously, once you decide to continue being in a relationship with someone who has had a high number of sex partners (in your opinion), you can't make them feel bad for it. Hopefully the OP's girlfriend does not feel badly about this, and hasn't been made to justify her choices, and the OP can sort through his feelings and come out the right end.

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ohemgee Contributor

ohemgee

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Would you prefer a woman who has no experience? This is a thought id ask myself when I was having insecurity problems.

 

And the answer for me was no. Whose to say one day shes isnt going to decide i wanna experience other people since ive only been with my BF.

 

Least your GF is experienced and had all her fun and now shes ready for long-term committed relationships.

 

Most likely she learned one night stands aren't that fun. And now she feels she wants or deserves better. Thats respectable.

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hockeyboy Mentor

hockeyboy

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He didn't call her that to her face. I think everyone has made it clear he shouldn't call her that here or directly to her.

 

As far as this not being a big deal...well it is, to the OP. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it is. I think we should focus on that.

 

As I already said, don't ask future gf's this question and as someone just said, don't go asking her more questions about her sex life. As far as getting over your insecurities, you need to realize she's with you now. Also, who knows if 15 is accurate. Maybe it's less and she just wanted to sound more experienced. You never know...so try not to focus on it.

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Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

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I love how everyone gets their panties in a bunch over the OP's choice of words instead of helping him feel better about it like he asked.

 

You DO all know what he meant.

 

My underwear is comfortably situated, thank you.

 

Words can reinforce and reflect beliefs. I actuallly think that when people pointed out the disrespect inherent in the word choice, it was meant to help him think critically about how he views her past. That is the first step, to see her past and her past actions differently, to actually the wrongs in his own language and usage, to saving this relationship.

 

Saying your girlfriend is a porker or a fat slob is very different from saying that she's overweight or obese. The latter is a statement of fact; the former is an expression of disgust.

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Catdancer Collaborator

Catdancer

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For someone like me, 15 partners is really not a big deal. But for some people, it's a huge deal.

 

I was lucky enough to find a partner that is as sexually experienced as I am and I think that is the key in finding a good sexual match. I wouldnt be happy with someone with only a few partners because I perfer a more "unusual" sex life. lol!

 

You really have to decide what you are comfortable with. If this is something that is constantly going to bug you and cause you to be turned off by her, then I think that you wont be happy with her in the long run. But if you can let it go and just focus on being with her now and in the future, then you guys may just make it.

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wendy torrance Rookie

wendy torrance

Posted
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I'm going to keep this short, and I'm not going to bash you for your choice of words.

 

I know "just get over it" is easier said than done. But when it comes down to it, that is essentially what needs to happen. Everyone has a past. You wouldn't want to be judged based on things you did awhile ago, that you couldn't ever change, would you?

 

All you can do is focus on the here and now and keep in mind that that she made the CHOICE to be with you and share her life with you. That should count for something, right?

 

If you are unable to accept and move past this and it doesn't work out, remember that it's pretty much never a good idea to ask for, or volunteer, that kind of information for this very reason.

 

Good luck.

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ivinsjames Newbie

ivinsjames

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My boyfriend is unfairly judgmental!

 

My boyfriend judges me because I slept with 15 guys in the past. I'm desperately trying to look past his total disrespect of our relationship and myself because he calls me a sl$t but it's a very hard pill to swallow even though I really love him can someone please help me?

BTW he's only slept with 5 girls so I think he's insecure that I have more experience than he does. Please help.

 

Hah youre funny man I dont give a crap how "experienced' she is that has nothing to do with it.Experienced or not I really wouldnt care.That's not what a real relationship is about anyway.Sheesh.

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diabolik Contributor

diabolik

Posted
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And do NOT watch "Clerks"! Damn Kevin Smith really messed with my head...

Good point. If she's slept with 15 guys, she surely has blown more.

Also, who knows if 15 is accurate. Maybe it's less and she just wanted to sound more experienced.

I would bet a lot of money the truth lies in the other direction (if the actual number isn't 15).

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Scorpion Fury Contributor

Scorpion Fury

Posted
Posted
My underwear is comfortably situated, thank you.

 

Words can reinforce and reflect beliefs. I actuallly think that when people pointed out the disrespect inherent in the word choice, it was meant to help him think critically about how he views her past. That is the first step, to see her past and her past actions differently, to actually the wrongs in his own language and usage, to saving this relationship.

 

Saying your girlfriend is a porker or a fat slob is very different from saying that she's overweight or obese. The latter is a statement of fact; the former is an expression of disgust.

 

So maybe he was disgusted by it. Is something wrong with him for being disgusted by the fact that his girlfriend has had 15 partners? Since he has only had 5 and no one night stands, obviously they have/had different values when it comes to sex. Just because it's not a big deal to you or me, doesn't mean it can't be a big deal to him.

 

Obviously he's disgusted by it. That's why he's here. He doesn't want to be disgusted by or insecure over it, but telling what a jerk he is and how disrespectful he is for using that term isn't helpful.

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Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

Posted
Posted
So maybe he was disgusted by it. Is something wrong with him for being disgusted by the fact that his girlfriend has had 15 partners? Since he has only had 5 and no one night stands, obviously they have/had different values when it comes to sex. Just because it's not a big deal to you or me, doesn't mean it can't be a big deal to him.

 

Obviously he's disgusted by it. That's why he's here. He doesn't want to be disgusted by or insecure over it, but telling what a jerk he is and how disrespectful he is for using that term isn't helpful.

 

I didn't call him a jerk, but saying it's disrespectful is helpful because he doesn't seem aware of that.

 

There is no law that mandates he get into or stay in a relationship where his partner's values disgust him though.

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ivinsjames Newbie

ivinsjames

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I didn't call him a jerk, but saying it's disrespectful is helpful because he doesn't seem aware of that.

 

There is no law that mandates he get into or stay in a relationship where his partner's values disgust him though.

 

Well thats true I should have worded it better I just was frantic for help with this cause obviously I dont know how to deal with it.

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Scorpion Fury Contributor

Scorpion Fury

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I didn't call him a jerk, but saying it's disrespectful is helpful because he doesn't seem aware of that.

 

There is no law that mandates he get into or stay in a relationship where his partner's values disgust him though.

 

?? No one is saying there is. He is asking how to get past it and not let it bother him.

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Ms Darcy Mentor

Ms Darcy

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?? No one is saying there is. He is asking how to get past it and not let it bother him.

 

Circular conversation. And I gave my opinion that a first step is to think about his use of language and wonder if thinking of her this way would be worth it if she's out of his life. Rinse and repeat.

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hexaemeron Collaborator

hexaemeron

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Circular conversation. And I gave my opinion that a first step is to think about his use of language and wonder if thinking of her this way would be worth it if she's out of his life. Rinse and repeat.

 

This is a circular conversation, but not because of this. This is pretty typical. People endlessly complain that people withhold things and lie about their pasts, and then someone trusts enough to be honest, and here's what we see.

 

Petulant whining and judgment born out of insecurity. You can't win for losing.

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