Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[iamstrong]

Ian: I return home tomorrow. Will you even care? I am also wondering if my spirits mate will meet me with a warm greeting.

[Robin2904]

Where do I even start? Just so much...Its been about two months now since we spoke. Since I texted you and told you that we shouldn't be in each others lives anymore. About a week after that I put both your number and your mothers on my 'block' list. Have to say sometimes I am SO curious if you have reached out to me. Your mom would randomly text me sometimes and I'm curious if she has. Not gonna lie, I hate to this and I really don't want her thinking bad of me for 'ignoring' her (though ironically I don't care if YOU think I'm ignoring you lol) but just don't trust myself to not answer any of you. Its just so sick and twisted, like I legit miss your family A LOT. Its bad but at times I really felt like they were a part of my family too. Especially because thats how they made me feel. Even after as long as its been since we were broken up your family called me family. It boggles my mind sometimes and its so twisted. As much as I loved them it only reminded me that I WASN'T part of the family- not really- and never will be.

 

I've been thinking about your sister a lot lately. I know she's due in January, my birthday month too ironically. It makes me sad in a weird way because somewhere in the recesses of my mind I think I wanted to be there for that. In some way be included in it, be something to the baby. How messed up is that? I haven't vocalized that to anyone. Because really what would I have been- her uncles ex girl friend? That's still NOTHING. I don't even know. But I just wanted to. I feel in a weird way like I'm missing a big milestone in a family members life. Like is that mental or what? Your sister isn't my family. Just no. I've been having an internal debate with myself on whether to send her a congrats card or not, maybe even a small gift. I don't know if that's gonna make me look crazy or not but part of me wants to. Like in a weird way maybe it will give me a sense of 'I did my part' because your family has done a lot for me over the years. I don't know...I just don't know.

 

You've been on my mind again a little more then usual, but then again you always cross my mind in some way shape or form. I wonder if you've had surgery, you were suppose to see a Dr for it when I last saw you in late August. Guess I just wonder about you all in general. I kind of have met someone new. Been almost two weeks. I think I'm starting to care for him more, but honestly it isn't the same. It isn't like it was with you..but don't think it ever will be. But he is sweet, he bought me flowers, he holds the door for me and tells me I'm beautiful. He does make me smile...but I just...I don't know...there you are still in the back of my mind. We aren't official yet or anything so remains to be seen where it will go.

 

I just am confused about so much in life these days. I don't know where I'm going career wise. I really thought I would have made something of myself by now but I haven't. I don't really know how to fix that one. I just hate that I still think of you when I bet you don't even spare a passing thought about me for more then a second. I bet you're dating someone, because you always are fast to move from girl to girl. Just needed to vent on here about everything, I never mean to but I always write a darn novel. Mehh...

[IAmFCA]

I get it, my fear of you validates you. Others' pain at your hand proves your power. And your use of my electronics to access information about me and/or others is kind of funny, yes?

 

Well, what you don't know is I am long accustomed to feeling your eyes on me. I asked for that by being involved with you at all. Others didn't. So, I will fix my electronics for the benefit of others who expect privacy when I offer it. It may appear, atm, that you have succeeded in isolating me. But you haven't, dear one. I am thankful that you have led me to be smarter.

 

I am not angry at you or afraid of you. I am in awe of your power, as I always have been. For you, as always, I wish peace. It will come only if you let it, and it will be the scariest change you ever have tried in all of your days. Scarier than war, harder than Alcatraz. The pain and anger within you goes back to your brother, goes back to your parents abandoning you to his power when you needed kindness and protection, the validation at your own hand that nobody will keep you safe but yourself.

 

Life can be beautiful. You found my beauty, which is ever more free of pain. But I can not water your garden if it is constantly hidden under soil. And I note that you will let me blossom, you haven't tried to hold me as such. Thank you for that; I know it is a choice.

 

Please see your own beauty and let this anger go. I will continue to envision it for you. Maybe somehow, it will pass.

[FindingClarity]

Thoughts of you more painful at the moment...they are leading to more tears again. But I know if I can get over the next couple of days they will start to recede again. Its been a while since I wanted to cry that I love you. But today I want to say that I do still love you. 2 months on I have to accept that it is a fact that I do and I'm not ready to move on. The anger is still there too but the passion that we had will never die.

[iamstrong]

Ian was true to his form. He left me a message that I recieved once the plane landed: "I miss our connection: I would like to see you: how about we meet tonight if you aren't too spent from the air trip". I take that to mean that he is simply going about his trolly in keeping touch with me to someday shag me. Keeping me close as to stay connected: for all the wrong reasons.

 

My spirit mate will not be home until Saturday next: something makes me want to run to him and have him hold me in his arms for all the right reasons. I was away and now he is: and I miss his folly: the last time we saw each other was the day before I left on holiday and he was rather distant in his behaviour: a brief hug: no kiss goodbye. Could I have lost his connection whilst I was worrying about Ian's? I expected a ring from him on the tellie: nothing. I hoped for a postal from him to read upon my return: nothing. I could have been so blind: yes?

 

My inner eye tells me that my ENA friend has taken heed to what I explained in detail to her this morning before I left the states. My inner voice is both a curse and a blessing: this time it is a defined blessing because her "r" is right there for her to take: he would sweep her off her feet: my inner eye wished that her eyes would open wide and see the goodness in him.

 

It is all so frustrating to have this confident inner eye: to be used for good: to be compellingly ignored.

 

My spirit mate would appreciate this.

[IAmFCA]

M dammit friends was a good thing. where the heck are you brother?

[lioness726]

Girrrl, I know EXACTLY how you feel. In every way! The family aspect- the thoughts- and writing a whole damn novel. You're not alone.

[lioness726]

W-

 

I hate that I still care. I wish I didn't. A part of me wishes I could just find some guy and use him to get over you. But- I don't want to do that to someone. It's f***ed up. I kinda feel like your ex before me did that. And maybe she has it right. There's something about you that just completely draws me in and I don't understand why. I wish I never gave you the chance. I wish I cut things off before they went any further last year.

 

I saw your roomies last night. It was fun, but it made me so very sad. It was D's birthday and we all went to the bar that I used to always go to with you. The one we'd go to every Sunday so you could play in your dart games. It brought back too many memories. When S got up to leave, he said to P and D, "Hey, I'll see you guys back at the house!" And it stung. Because I used to be apart of that equation. I was always going back to the house with you guys. I'm not apart of the circle anymore. All of those nights where we would sit on the patio with our cocktails and cigarettes, laughing, talking, and sometimes you'd pick up your guitar and play while we all sang. I felt a connection to all of them as well. I was already friends with S, but I really fell in love with P and D. They're the most amazing married, gay men I know. We had so many fun nights out there and in that hot tub just being intoxicated and silly. I felt like I was home in a way- and that I could see them being in my life, always.

 

So of course being there hurt because it brought back all of those happy memories. Honestly, you have to admit that we don't really have any bad memories. We never really fought and we always had fun together. I guess maybe that's why you don't have anything bad to say about me now.

 

For some reason what also really hurt was the fact that you purposely didn't come out to the bar even though you live a block away, it's your roomie's birthday, and you knew I was there. But on the flip side, I would have ignored you and just left if you did. And I'm sure one of the guys texted you telling you not to come because I was there. I did explicitly tell P that I would only go there if you didn't. I've made it very clear to everyone that I don't want to see you. And truthfully, if you did show up- it would have made me feel like absolute sh**. It would have set me back over a month of healing time. Unless you're going somewhere I am to apologize and beg for me back, then stay the f*** away from me. But even then- if you begged for me back and told me that you really do love me- here's where it gets shi***. I really shouldn't be with you. You broke my heart and this would NOT be the first time you've burned me. How many times can I really allow a man to hurt me before I become a doormat? And... there are just so many things wrong with everything that happened. It's just as most people would say: Leave the broken pieces on the ground, lest you get cut by putting something back together that clearly is irreparable.

 

But ya know, something inside me still really hurt because you purposely did not go out to the bar to try to see me. But, maybe you're trying to respect me. Maybe you're doing me a favor. But also maybe you were sitting there at home, thinking about me, and wishing you could be there. That maybe one of the guys told you not to come, that I didn't want to see you, and that made you angry and hurt. Just maybe. I have no idea what's going on in that head of yours.

 

Even through the sadness last night, I was proud of myself. I didn't talk about you at all. I didn't even ask about you. I hope your roomies relay that back to you- "No, she didn't say anything about you at all. In fact, she didn't even ask about you." The only time I said anything about you was when the bartender asked the guys, "Hey, you're all here- where's W? Why isn't he here?" And D, being the sweetheart he is, just said, "Oh, because it's W. That's just how W is." But then I piped up and said, "Well, that may partially be it- but the other reason is that it's because I'm here. I'm his ex girlfriend." And that was all on the matter of you. So, I have to say that I was proud of myself for not saying much. Because had it been only a couple weeks after our breakup, I probably would have been trying to pump the guys for info on you or get them to see my side and agree with me, and admit that you loved me. Silly and sad, I know. But now there really isn't anything left to be said. It already happened. The story is old and there's really no point in rehashing things other than getting me hurt all over again. No use beating a dead horse.

 

I never prayed before because you know I'm not religious by any means. But now, you have me praying. You have me praying that I can move on from you quickly. I pray that I will find my inner peace and happiness again and that I won't love you anymore. I also pray for you. I pray that you get over your demons and I pray that you would see the light in us that I saw. I pray that you realize your mistakes and try not to repeat them. I also pray to become more successful than you. I know that seems trivial and childish, but it's something that makes me feel better about all of this. It also helps me take you down from the pedestal you're on. One day it will happen. One day. And when it comes, all the revenge on you I've felt will be gone and you won't matter to me anymore, at all.

 

I just wish that day was tomorrow. But for some reason, there are still some lessons that I need to learn.

[Robin2904]

Girrrl, I know EXACTLY how you feel. In every way! The family aspect- the thoughts- and writing a whole damn novel. You're not alone.

 

Thank you so much for this- needed it this morning! Helps a lot to know I'm not totally insane with these rambles- sometimes I forget other people read here because its like a diary to me lol. Thank you!!

[doingitmyway]

I hate you so much I could scream. You think you can tell our friends and go crying and then use depression as an excuse for your actions when Im not in counselling because your betrayal has not only mentally scarred me, but given me anxiety induced ED. The only user I see in your past is you, yet you make out like you're the victim.

 

if you wanted friends with benefits and nothing more you should have just done it and got it out of the way. Not lead me on into a relationship right before something happened, then drag it on for months till you found someone else, and after discussing marriage and kids, stab me in the back the same night.

 

**** YOU!!! The nerve of you asking me to be your best friend again. I don't care if you cry yourself blind with guilt, I never want to see you again!

[IAmFCA]

Writing to no one. And that is the point.

 

You who are exes -- "exes" as well as ex other things -- people I am detaching from -- I would rather talk to you than do me. It is time to do me.

 

So, heck which y'all. I'm out.

[firefly2613]

Tomorrow is the big day. 30 days of no contact. Never knew I would get this far. Never knew I would go this long without hearing from you.

 

I let myself cry last night because I felt I needed it. It was intense. It was a deep hurt that I don't think I've ever felt. But it was better when it was finally over. I told myself I would throw a few more pity parties for myself to mourn losing you. I will do more if I need to, but this one really helped.

 

I woke up this morning and checked my horoscope. Haven't done that in years. Don't really believe in the things. But it said "today is the day to reach your decision. Stick with it." And I thought it was funny...because I've made my decision.

 

I forgive you. A part of me will always love you. But I can't keep doing this.

 

I'm letting you go.

[Robin2904]

I'm laying in bed and it's ten to 6 in the morning and I just cried for you. Out of the blue random as all hell. Why did I cry? Because I was struck with the overwhelming emotion of how much I used to dream of one day having your child and I don't think that will ever happen. HELL I shouldn't still want that to happen, because well honestly I think you would make a pretty crappy father. But part of me wants that. I remember how much I used to want it. Even how we talked about having kids from when we first got together. I wanted it SO much back then. And honestly since then when I have envisioned my future children they were always with you. Even after we had long since broken up.

 

Totally unhealthy I know. But this past summer when you briefly mentioned how you were afraid to have back surgery because you were scared of it leaving you unable to have kids you said something like 'I want to have kids some day' to your mother and god help me but my mid went to those conversations about us having children, to my silly dreams of having your child. And it almost stung because honestly I know it was just a random comment and had nothing to do with wanting them with ME and that alone kinda killed me. And laying here this morning I realized it will never happen. You'll have kids some day- with someone else. With someone who isn't me. An that really kills my heart.

 

I need to go back to sleep.

[NoIdea2013]

No I'm not ok. You hope i'm ok but i don't think it's genuine concern

[magicangel]

Seven days NC sighh the last thing u sAid to me was no maam, I wonder do u miss me or think of me probably not everyday I miss u more altho somedays I'm very angry at u, but I come to terms that we are over

[doingitmyway]

I know this is cold but the only reason I have asked you to meet me tomorrow is so I can truly tear you down once and for all. We're not going to be friends, ever. I'm doing this for me.

[magicangel]

Yesterday all I wanted was for u to get a hold of me just so I could ignore u or feel like u care, but u didn't and u won't and each passing day I am becoming ok with that u sAid time and time again I would always be urs ha what a joke I'm finally finding myself and yes I have weak moments but no longer do I care if I ever see u, looking back on things u never did a thing for me u were a crappy bf the crappiest I ever had and believe me when I say I've dated quit a few crappy men u were the worst, I loved u tho but I felt sorry for u but now I know why everyone runs from u even ur mother cuz u r a leach u suck the life out of all that come near u, one day Ull sit back and remember the girl that did everything for u financially and emotionally and fora moment u will have regrets, I dnt desire nothing bad to come to u, u already have a nonexistent sort of life, ur sad and u know what I didn't lose u and u didn't throw me away u lost me and gave up on a person who would of laid down and died for u, 7days NC and u know what u probably haven't even noticed, its cool tho one day u will

[Twidom]

Please miss me...

[periwinkle00]

I am really tempted to look at your facebook profile. I haven't looked at it in....3 weeks? I'm not sure the exact date when we spoke last on the phone. That was when I knew I had to just detach.

 

I won't do it. It's just so stupid isn't it? I have this weird idea that you actually want to get back together with me, because you "like" my facebook posts, but it's obvious from talking that you don't ACTUALLY want to get back together. That's what really matters in the end. What you actually want, and let's be honest....what I really want. Let's be honest here. Do I really want to put up with you? Sure you have a big ol' sensitive heart, and you are sexy as hell, but you are annoying as f***. You think you are always right, and if you think that way, then you might as well be kicked into a f***ing sewer. Nobody wants that. No haters. Nobody wants that male, female, or anything in between. Let it go. You know what? I don't even care. It's your life, and it has nothing to do with me after all.. yet somehow, I still remained hooked.

[thatdevilsblue]

You're so hell bent on us moving on already, and everytime i do end up contacting/texting you, you respond! You say that you do miss me, miss talking to me, ect yet still hell bent on moving on! So why do you respond to me still when i do contact you? why do you still have my phone number? You admitted to me last week that you should've deleted my number a few months ago when you deleted me from your facebook too to try and make moving on easier, but it would suck too much to lose me completely! that doesn't even make sense, it's not like you talk to me on your own. I only hear from you if i either contact you myself or you accidentally text me...so basically, you're just holding onto my number just in case you change your mind again? because you know i'll be there like the 3 previous times we broke up? well i don't think i'm going to give you the satisfaction of being there anymore, and by that, i mean responding back if you initiate any contact, and i'm sure as hell not going to keep texting you myself anymore, because what the hell do i get out of it anymore? we chat for alittle bit, say you miss me too after i say i miss you, and get told we need to move on...i'm not giving you the power of knowing i'll still be there anymore...i think its a good thing i am your first love, first boyfriend, first serious relationship, person to lose your virginity to, ect, because it will make you realize that much more just what you're losing and giving up on, all because of one stupid, bull negative that causes you to walk away from this 4 times instead of sticking by me and actually trying...i was nothing but loving, caring, and supportive to you, and though i believe that you did love me, you obviously didn't love me as much as i loved you, and i dare you to find someone else who will as much as i did...you've already compared 2 guys of potential interest to me since we've been apart the past 7 months and you told me they didn't compare to me at all, GOOD! i'm done trying and trying to convince you to try again and everything...i put more effort and time into it than you deserved...don't fully expect me to be there when and if you decide you want to initiate contact, because you'll be dissappointed for a change, just like how you disappointed me!

[Robin2904]

Thought I would try to write this out like this in hopes it would make me feel better...

 

Hey M how are you? How have you been? You've crossed my mind recently. Just been wondering how you are, how life is. Did you ever wind up having surgery? That's been on my mind- I know you were thinking it would be in September or October. Wonder if it ever happened. If it did I hope things went well. Can't help but think back to when you had surgery years ago and how I was there. I'm getting off track...but I just hope you're well physically. Hows your mom? Been wondering about her a lot. Mostly because I know she's always got some sort of issue going on. Wondering where she's living now because I know she was having some issues staying with your sister. I hope she's okay, hope she healed up from her surgery okay. Been thinking about your sister also. How is she? How is her pregnancy going? She's due in two months or so I know....did she have a baby shower? Part of me kind of wished I got to go to that....I hope things to great for her, she has a beautiful baby girl and everything works out well.

 

Well I just wanted to say I thought of you all. Can't help but think about and miss your family. I will always love them like they were my family- as messed up as that may be. Hope you're all well. Will always care.

 

R

[kz91]

HAHAHAHAHA, you don't honestly think I want you back, do you? Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

[kz91]

You will NEVER know how much you hurt me because I'll never tell you. Not because I don't want you feeling sorry for me but because I don't wanna drag the past up again, i don't want to be reminded of what I felt in them months and also because it's not worth it anymore.

 

I'm happy to finally say that you haven't got the power to hurt me anymore because for someone to have the power to hurt you, you have to love them. The love I had for you left a long time ago.

[kz91]

But I'm glad you're happy and I'm glad we're friends after all this time, even though we didn't work out in the past.

 

I'll always care about you, that's why I'll always be here for you.

[IAmFCA]

Hey, what's shakin?