iamstrong

I am ready to leave now. Leaving my flat lock and stock. I wish I could muster all the courage needed to tell Ian and SM the real reason I am leaving the country: to make a new start: to clean out the cobbles in my mind. I am very much afraid of what the States will hold for me: I know no one there: I am not assured an occupation: I must be the daft one for leaving so quickly and without a true plan. But I need to make a break: this period of time has me being quite short with coworkers and strangers alike: I bit the tail of someone on this site for goodness sakes: there was no call for that purpose! I loved Ian like I had loved no other: including both of my ex's: but he left me to fend for myself when the timing was critical. I am so afraid that I will never hear from Ian or SM again: I can only blame myself: So good-bye UK: hello USA.

I leave knowning that I have lost my friend in SM: but there is no longer any tie to bind to here in the UK: I start brand new in a new city: a new country: and I am wondering what exactly it is that I am running away from: I may never find out: I publicly apologize to ITIC: I took my anger and frustration out on her and her mates: I am/ was quite jealous of her good fortune.

I leave for accross the pond in three short days: I think my base is to stay there even if I'm not offered an application as a bobbie talker: you and Ian have taken all that is good for me here: A small little group of men who know not what to make of a strong challenging woman: yes? I will spend the holiday with myself and will take the chance to really explore who I am and what I want: there are worse things. I could be surrounded by men and women who are only interested in shagging about: flopping from one to another with no real direction. Good-bye

I am probably moving accross the pond. You will lose in the long run.

SM: I miss having the happy little chats that we grew accustom to: I know you will return once you are finished shagging the latest and realizing that she is but a round about in bed. I will never view as I did once: you have a history of doing this before. I don't think I have any intimate thoughts about you but I have invested a great deal of emotional support for you: yes? When M broke your heart: I was there to help you over the pain: when my friend passed away from cancer, I handled it on my own. She was the love of my life and yet I was alone in my sorrow: coupled with the idea that I was not a very good person towards her at the end. I had to pull up britches and deal the only way I could: I was there for myself like I was there for you twice already. Ian: you quite honestly think you can disappear for a few days or weeks: reappear and suspect that I will welcome you with open arms and a forgotten memory: yes? A real man would have fessed up about his shagging all types of birds: a real man would have been honorable and simply explained things: a real man would not have gotten caught in a lie and not been able to also tell the truths: you are not a real man Ian.

SM: I am off to skip to work: I wish I had you to talk to.

Love: I know the EXACT same feeling: I too am contemplating a major move: but my friend is out shagging others now.

SM: Two years ago: to the week: I was the one who sat with you are you were balled in a fetal position in the loo. You were heartbroken over the break-up with your LTR. Over the course of six monts: you found your footing: you left me not only as a dating partner: but as a friend. Your friends said I was a notion of the past: the bad things that happened to you. and you LISTENED to them! You didn't care what effect your walking away from our friendship would have on me: yes? You used me worse than any chippie used you. We became friends: but now you have found shagging is fun: and you once again trot away from me: as a friend: yes? I was the one there for you SM: the only one who stood on your ground and helped you find your footing: and this is how you repay me? FRIG OFF YOU! You are interested in yourself: yes? No one else besides you and the birds that show an interest in you. I can not: nor would I ever think I will be able to be a connection to you. Kick a dog often enough and the dog will either run or bite. You are not worth biting.

Good for you Love! Center on YOU! YOU deserved your attention: not two whackers! Positive thoughts and power to you and your friend who is trying to fight a good and noble fight right now!

SM: it is too late in the night to concern myself with you flopping around: but it is just in time for me to appreciate that I didn't fall prey to you. You are nothing better than Ian: yes? You decided not to want to be a concerned friend to me: yes? Better still: I found out your true self before it was too late: I am not really sure I even want to go pubbing to with you right now. I began to miss you: we hadn't talked in a while: My holiday: your business trip: now I am glad we didn't speak. I missed you in a horrid way: I was thrilled to hear from you: you dropped that bombshell on me: It could/ should have swung another door: it didn't: because you are a shagger. No better tan Ian: possibly worse: at least he made his shagging known to me. He didn't ever lie about it. You kept it a secret: I don't know if I can forgive: yes: yes, I can: it will just take a tremenous amount of time.

SM: you had a grand time today: yes?

I can't sleep now: that has been ruined by what you told me. I have a girl mate here on ENA and she has a friend who is in the middle of the devistation in the Philippines: he doesn't appear to be in the military or volly for any humanitarian group: he went there because he thought he could help: he is recovering from a serious medical issue: he went there to help: he didn't mention this medical issue when asked upon: he went there to help: Years ago a singer by the name of Paula Cole asked in verse: where have all the cowboys gone: this ENA's mate went to the Philippines: he went there to help. He will probably come home a little bit stronger and wiser and more grounded from the experience: I know I pray for this chap as does my ENA mates. You SM called to mention that you were thinking about shagging someone: what is wrong with men? I might well get up and figure out my day after a while.

SM: it was lovely to have you ring me up: the conversation was less lovely. You are out and about and met someone and plan on returning to the pub so you can shag her at your hotel? Yes? And I am suppose to admire your honesty: yes? All I want is a man: not a boy. You remind me of Ian.

Ian was true to his form. He left me a message that I recieved once the plane landed: "I miss our connection: I would like to see you: how about we meet tonight if you aren't too spent from the air trip". I take that to mean that he is simply going about his trolly in keeping touch with me to someday shag me. Keeping me close as to stay connected: for all the wrong reasons. My spirit mate will not be home until Saturday next: something makes me want to run to him and have him hold me in his arms for all the right reasons. I was away and now he is: and I miss his folly: the last time we saw each other was the day before I left on holiday and he was rather distant in his behaviour: a brief hug: no kiss goodbye. Could I have lost his connection whilst I was worrying about Ian's? I expected a ring from him on the tellie: nothing. I hoped for a postal from him to read upon my return: nothing. I could have been so blind: yes? My inner eye tells me that my ENA friend has taken heed to what I explained in detail to her this morning before I left the states. My inner voice is both a curse and a blessing: this time it is a defined blessing because her "r" is right there for her to take: he would sweep her off her feet: my inner eye wished that her eyes would open wide and see the goodness in him. It is all so frustrating to have this confident inner eye: to be used for good: to be compellingly ignored. My spirit mate would appreciate this.

Ian: I return home tomorrow. Will you even care? I am also wondering if my spirits mate will meet me with a warm greeting.

Ian: I'm desperate to forget you. You are a whacker: a bloody joke of a man who shags about with other birs, but you can't seem to let me live my own life. I have a wonderous friend here on ENA now. I feel she is going through a similiar situation. I speak to her about finding the truth in her friend: he is not perfect: but he seeks help and is growing. Why can I not wish the same resolve for finding the good in my spirit mate? Because you planted so many seeds of him in my brain: that's why. You don't want me to be with anyone else: you except me: will me: to wait about while you continue your conquests. Why do you try and keep me so close? Why shalt I find the courage to forget the demon seed you planted about my friend?

Cheers Whacker: I couldn't be happier being seperated from you by the pond. Disney in Florida was rich with entertainment. The Nations Capital is as lovely as everyone said it was. I am filling out applications for the police department while I'm here. And then off to the Big Apple for a fun weekend: I hope. I don't miss you: not in the least. I do miss the spirit mate: I am left wondering what would happen should he walk completely out of my life or if I were to move accross the pond permenently: I would definitely miss him. But not you. I would not miss you. Go about shagging other birds and making excuses for your behaviour: Find excuses for why you need to get that out of your system: but please don't bother telling me that you wish to stay in touch with me because I am important to you: I don't believe you anymore.

Love: you shouldn't allow yourself to be viewed as a marked woman: it seems rather convenient for m to view you this way. If he was attempting to shag you in the process of your friendship with him and that didn't come about: this might be m's way of bidding out without having to show a colour of not accomplishing what he set after. His lie was no different than anyone else's but for your having had a crush on him. He was not honest with you: bottom line. I am certain that the other chap: r: would not allow you to be view as a marked woman: quite to the contrary: he sounds like he would stand up for you and defend your honor: but not in a physical confrontation: but with supporting you in the things you have been burdened with and not running to the hills like m has. I wonder aloud if you were to separate the connection between b and r: would you still view r in the same light? It seems his value is tanished not only by his actions but also by the strength and ownership of b: whether b came right about and said anything. Confusion seems to have run rampant and that b had a force-hold on you and your perception of r. I am certain that m was looking for an excuse to justify his shagging and to be able to break a seemingly harmless connection with you. Two of the three seem like bloody blokes. The other a chap with gentlemanly ways: it might not seem that way being involved: but as I spit eariler: b controlled m's thoughts about you: even if it was a romance that was never to have been: you are allowing b to control your ideas about r even now. It is not a sign of weakness for you love: rather a confusion of r that was probably a wonderful guy: just not the right guy at the time and that spell is difficult for you to break even now.

Wow Love: his perspective is one of compassion and well thought out: R is not placing blame nor does he speak ill of B: that would be so easy to do. He does neither sugarcoat or brush aside. I am impressed with his maturity. As for writing to B: I would not. It would only allow him to know that he is under your skin and that his success in making you thinking longingly of him is coupled only by your willingness to try and help him. He might view this as a victory. Leave him to mind his own misfortune. I am in awe of the writing of your friend though. A man with a kind heart: undeniable.

Being in the states is a wonderful way to ignore what you have done with all the other birds in the block. I miss my spirits mate though and discovered I was separating myself from him because he offers me what other can not or will not. He offers me a chance to be a normal female knowing that he will make sure I am guided and my company enjoyed: but not as a conquest. I would travel to the states with him knowing that he will be honorable and a good mate. As much as I want you Whacker, you are NOT all the things I desire. Sexy: yes. Handsome: yes. But a true friend: no. I deserve someone who is true and doesn't lie or cheat or find himself being all things to various women.

Sitting at the airport about to holiday accross the pond it has dawned on me: I really don't care about you. I am going to the States: possibly find a job: and forget that you were shagging every bird in the block. You fancy yourself a poster chap: you are good looking, but you are NOT all encompassing. I foolishly gave you credit for things that other people help me to realize and become: I was so infatuated with you that I forgot that other mates: male and female: had provided me with life lessons: I was too desperate to stay connected with you that I piled on positive traits that were never yours'. Shame on me.

I am going on holiday to the states in two days. I will be looking for a job probably and if I had to pick someone to move accross the pond with me: it certainly wouldn't be you. It would be my spirits mate. He is honorable and kind and funny and remembers the smallest of details. Isn't that what a friend is suppose to be about? Not someone who lies and then once he is caught can't even come up with the truth as I know it. I can laugh with the spirit mate: I can have a fun time at a pub without having to try. The mate is heads above you and your lies.

It sounds like he is love: his history makes it so. If you are going to pledge yourself to someone: make that someone who makes you feel like you are the only one: even from a distance: with actions, appreciation and doing little things: we both know that those little things mean the most. I am sure that there might be someone who remembers the small things that you say and appreciates you for the things that you do with your busy schedule. Someone who thinks of you in a real sense and not someone that they can shag or keep on a string for an extended period of time. Settle for nothing less! You need to value you above all else: even if that means this whacker is a in the past. It sounds as though the crush was paying you spit-service all along. Sorry love.:sorrow:

way to go love! He doesn't deserve you! Even if he misses you: let him go! I would wonder who this chap really is if he has lied and covered up his paths with you though!

It turns a cheek that you are engaged to another bird up the block. But you want to be friends with benefits with me. How does that make any sense? I am a powerful woman: not one of those chippies you have and are still shagging. You say you value my friendship: it is shameful that you don't value me. How dare you? This is mad! You thought you could court me while shagging others? You thought I would sit and be passive during this time of your own exploration? You are mad! I caught you in a grand lie and things went snowballing from there. People on this site have told me to look for red flags: I initially thought to turn a blind eye to them: he is just sowing oats I said: he is just stretching his horizons I said: he is a gorgeous man with a tight bum and I would wait I said: Do you have any idea just how your actions show that I mean nothing but a shagging challenge to you? Now that you have been spotted you still want to be my friend? I doubt you even know what a friend is. And so now I will enjoy the company of my spirits mate. He knows how I deserve to be treated: just as a person with feelings.