24 and never had a girlfriend

[Caldus]

I don't think my problem is made up but rather possible a true case of social phobia. I use to think that shyness was just a stupid, learned trait and not something chemical but over time I've began to rethink that issue. I really don't wanna go on something like Paxil but if in the next few years I don't somehow change and open up I think medication is the way to go.

 

I have nothing against medication. I think many people actually need and can benefit greatly from it. If you think this might be the problem then I would definitely look into it. Its just not worth it to force yourself to live in misery.

 

I used to take Paxil a lot and it helped me a lot back when I was really depressed during high school.

[drahcir]

hey everyone!! i haven't been here for a couple of days and all of you have said some interesting things....here is what i think of them...

 

first of all, the suggestion by one member that we single guys should every couple of months go see a prostitute is rather stupid..the guys here who are single are not sex starved...they are lonely and upset they don't have someone to love them...seeing a prostitute isn't going to solve that problem....

 

its true its difficult to go outside and see other people hand in hand, hugging, ect. .....

 

i do think that you can go up to some girl you just met and compliment her if you do it right..it takes practice, just like all things take practice...it can be really effective...but only if you honestly mean what you say..like there is no point in inventing something..but if there is something you really like a girl, just say it..most girls will feel very flattered....

[justlikeyou]

Hello. I just turned 21, and I am a girl. For all of you tall, shy, virgin men - I would so date you based on the fact that you are virgins. I am one of those smart, tall, (not super thin, but size eight), and pretty popular. I lead a crazy life and a very successful one at that. I have had hot guys hit on me a few times, but guess what - I, too, still have not had a boyfriend. I hang out with these girls who have had god knows how many sexual partners, and are gorgeous. Why am I telling you this? A) Don't hire a hooker, B) I am waiting for a guy who is a virgin, C) Next time you go out, imagine me, someone who wants to date you because you are unexperienced as me. Don't be shy - imagine the girl you are talking to is a girl who wants exactly what you are. A flashy guy (who is P-I-M-P - can't believe I wrote that), is not something I want. I would take one of you in a flash over them.

 

Secondly, when I first clicked on the link to this forum I thought it would be about a girl just like me, but you have restored my faith in men (except the hooker thing). I now realize not all men are pigs, and that many of you are feeling the pain I feel. I cry when I go to sleep, I cry when I wake up. However, you have made my day, thank you so so so so so so so so so so much.

[downout]

Sadly I agree mostly with what tabor said about being realistic about things and not having visions of grandeur. Most of us are single because we are shy, introverted, and in my case I get extreme anxiety attacks when im around women i find attractive and actually women in general.

 

I tend to feel threatned and that my personal space is being invaded.No matter how many times I tell myself, its just in your head, its nothing dont worry about it. Guess what. I get the same sensations everytime. I have scripted out responses that I wanted to say to break the ice and that all important first word or impression but my emotions always overpower any rational thought i may have and i literally get shorteness of breath, laboured breathing, and i start to sweat and tremble.

 

I thought these feelings would pass in time and I would become more comfortable given more exposure to those types of situations but it hasnt happened. I have only seen marginal improvement. For people like me it seems we are doomed to a life of loneliness and rejection.

 

XXantai says you can make a change, well a change that drastic dosent happen overnight, and for some of us we are almost beyond the point of no return. I would love to make a change but I have been like this for so long its almost as if my body dosent know anything else anymore. I struggle with that everyday and its like i am driving without any brakes in to a brick wall. I have gone up to women before and have said you look good or have directed compliments at them but they usually smile, laugh, walk away, or just flat out ignore me. I have never gotten a wink of interest from any of them. Its pretty hard to keep trying to meet someone and put yourself out there when you seem to receive the same responses all the time. It creates a very negative feed-back loop and causes you to feel self conscious, unsure, and nervous.

 

Sadly because of my inability to have a relationship and lack of human initimacy with the opposite sex I have become semi-addicted to porn. I used to go almost every week to my local store to rent dvds or tapes. Now i mostly use the web and the online DIVX or VOD to satisfy my hunger. I have gotten slightly better but I am still far off from where I want to be. I have never used a prostitute before as I have some moral issues and in all honesty being with someone who is just there because u paid them for it dosent really make me feel any better. I want someone to be with because they want to be. I would rather watch porn.

 

As for people in the third world getting laid who cares, theyt dont live in a society of material possessions, status, and plastic surgery. Infact there isnt much else to do there then get laid or contract an STD.

[xxatti]

 

 

Ok, here's my question for you. You say you want a guy who's inexperienced, a virgin, and "unlucky in love" so to say. Just like all the guys who've been posting here. But let me ask you this. Have you ever went up to one of these guys when you've come accross them and tried to talk to them?? Have you ever attempted to "make the 1st move"??

[Shinobie]

I feel that most guys who r inexperienced r usually not that good looking but there r some exceptions.

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

I haven't read all the posts yet, but I see a common theme running through..I'm introverted as well, and used to be shy. I've gotten over the shy part, although I'm still a bit quiet around people, depending on who they are..the key is really gaining confidence in yourself & that takes time I know. It's not easy either. But don't look at it as if a clock is ticking, think about it like this is an investment you're making in yourself..and do everything you can to make yourself happier.

 

What I've found helps was finding people with similar interests, to see that you're accepted & can make new friends. Also, I tried to be more friendly w/ppl., just striking up conversations with random people around my university..some things that helped me:

 

1) I just viewed myself at their level, or higher..when you talk to ppl. don't take note of their confidence & how you're lacking it. Be just as confident and natural and yourself. Don't care about how you sound, just say what you feel. In the beginning this might be weird because introverts typically process things in their head BEFORE they talk..a few secs. or so. Sometimes I worried that things I said would sound weird because I wasn't witty enough or telling a story or joke would come off sounding weird b/c my voice wasn't right or whatever..but you get better at it with practice. Talk to people & add your opinion..about commercials on TV, something that interests you, whatever. Just practice talking with people and your shyness will probably improve. Joining clubs/sports of interest to you will help you to meet like-minded ppl.

 

2) Do activities you love & will help you work on your interpersonal/speaking skills..I started working out and felt better about myself. I also joined the debate team at my school, as I love politics & philosophy, and talking about it wasn't too hard although thinking on the spot was. This forced me to do it & it was a good experience (although nerve-racking sometimes yes..but you have a partner too so it's not too bad.) Doing something like this may be good for some ppl. but too direct for others. I found my confidence improved a lot after this..speech classes, drama classes or the like may help. One of my friends was in Toastmasters & said this helped..

 

3) If you feel inferior in a certain area, improve in it..become an expert in something. It'll improve your self-confidence.

 

4) Related to the last point - set some goals & achieve them. This will make you feel better & improve your skill base. For me, they're usually related to academics, but I always have smaller goals related to self-improvement somehow; to try to be nicer, or be take more initiative, or something. Being conscious of how you're achieving them can help boost your mood a little & give you confidence to talk to ppl..

 

5) Also, seeking counselling may help. There is something dubbed Social Anxiety Disorder, which you might have & a professional can help you out..look it up if you haven't already. Ultimately it's up to you but just having some personal guidance may help..it's a free service at my university for students, if you went to college (I think you said you graduated), check it out, they'll have some helpful material.

 

Overall though, just don't feel inferior or weird because you're 24 & haven't had a girlfriend. I'm 19 & haven't had a boyfriend and there's many people out there in the same situation. Look up resources on the 'net and work on improving your self-esteem, it may take time but it's worth it. Ultimately, I think that's the most important thing..that & personality, but it seems like you're a nice guy, not arrogant or anything so that's not a problem. And you said you're good-looking or decent, which is always a plus.

 

So good-luck..hope that helped..

 

lily04

[justlikeyou]

Ok, here's my question for you. You say you want a guy who's inexperienced, a virgin, and "unlucky in love" so to say. Just like all the guys who've been posting here. But let me ask you this. Have you ever went up to one of these guys when you've come accross them and tried to talk to them?? Have you ever attempted to "make the 1st move"??

 

My answer to you would be (and you may get mad) is that I am extremely traditional - I need ONE guy to set me off on the right track. I need to be asked out, then to have ONE small relationship (even if it ends), before I become one to make the "First move". Many people have asked me this, but I am scared to make the first move the first time. However, I can say I do to talk to guys when I go to parties and hang out with quite a few of them, however, they rarely show interest, and chances are they are not a virgin - so I don't really pursue guys. Sort of tired, in that respect, I guess. The thing is if a guy is a virgin I would so talk to them, but so few guys are proud of it, so I don't really think I have come accross any because even if I did they would not admit it. Furthermore, since I hang out with all sexually active, attractive people (the homecoming type, me not being one, but sometimes I realize I can't be that ugly if all the people I hang out with look like that), thereforeeee my interaction with people like me is very very very small. I think they should set up a club for people like me. I hope this made sense.

[xxatti]

 

 

Makes complete sense, and it also proves my point 110%. This is exactly the problem. You say you want the "shy guy/virgin" type, but that kind of guy is the guy lurking in the backround, too shy to even look your way much less come up and talk to you. On the same note, you say you need to be asked out by this type of guy before you can start making the 1st move. So thereforeeee, everything is at a standstill, and nobody gets anywhere because NOBODY TALKS to anybody. These guys wish someone would come up and talk to them, and you wish one of these guys would come up and talk to you. Thus we go in an endless circle and result to posting in these forums as to why I cant find the "right type." Somebody has to start talking to somebody. I dont understand how people expect to meet one another if they dont talk.

 

I dont mean to be funny, but I wonder if anything would change if there was a club for people like this. Everyone would be standing around waiting for everyone else to come up and say something.

[Derek]

I dont mean to be funny, but I wonder if anything would change if there was a club for people like this. Everyone would be standing around waiting for everyone else to come up and say something.

 

That club has a name, it's called the "junior high dance in the gymnasium".

 

 

 

Isn't life too short for pride and ego to stop you from risking looking the fool for love? What's wrong with being the fool for love anyway?

 

 

 

[drahcir]

hey everyone...

 

hi justlikeyou...hey do you really cry morning and night????? is it because you have never had a boyfriend?? and just can't find someone decent???

 

i do agree that being a virgin has its advantages...does everyone agree that they would more highly value someone who is a virgin that not one? to some degree i am proud i have never been on a date before, never kissed a girl, never....and i don't just want to throw my status away on just any girl who comes around...esp. a prostitute...i would rather never be with a girl than sleep with a prostitute because then i would lose my status on someone who doesn't deserve to take it..i want to find one girl to date, one girl to love, one girl to marry...imagine that....only having one person your entire life..i think its much better that way....

 

some of the guys here have not a girlfriend because they are shy...but for me i am very open with talking to girls...i have been offered dates but i don't want to date someone who has loose moral values.....thats the primary reason why i have never had someone...to some degree it hurts, but also i am proud...proud i have not compromised myself.....i also expect this of the girl i marry.....i want the girl i marry to be a virgin, just like me....and better yet if she has never had a boyfriend before....

[psipro]

I haven't been following this thread, just wanted to respond to Drahcir's last post.

 

Would i value someone who is a virgin more then someone who is not? No, because by the time I have found out that personal of information about someone I will already care enough for them for it not to make a difference.

 

But I dont know about your justification for not dating. I don't date allot either but for different reasons. I am shy but not so much so that it affects me adversely, but I do pick and chose who I go out with. I think you are holding yourself to a pretty high pedestal, not having kissed a girl or having a date. I think that we cannot know love until we have experienced one we don't love. By experience I don't mean sex, and I don't mean experiences that we have observed, but experiences that we have felt. The love you feel towards your g/f will be different (I hope!) then the love you feel towards your mother or father.

 

I don't think that it is healthy to wait to date the perfect one. Date people you like and that you can see yourself growing close to. If they are 'the one' then great you found him/her, if they are not the one then you will learn, develop yourself, and grow emotionally so you are better prepared for when you do find the one. If you are really concerned about the status that you give yourself, then only date people who will respect your boundaries, and you will be respected for having boundaries.

[justlikeyou]

 

 

Hehehe. I totally understand your point. However, this about double standards - so it sucks - a girl wants to be asked out by a guy, more often than not. My friends are always asked out, so I guess I have been sucked into that tradition as well. Also, I have made the move before, I have told guys that I like them (I am not extremely shy), but it led to heartbreak - so now I am introverted. I talk to them at school, at parties, but if it ever came to one flirting with me, ha - I wouldn't be able to tell you the difference. The human mind is amazing - it has such a capacity to block out things that will cause you pain - i.e. guys. If I could find a club of such people, I would be the first one there to talk guaranteed.

 

Also, to drahcir - I am actually super successful in everything except dating, so it is the only thing that bothers me. It is not depression because I am so content in every other way - just one thing breaks me down, add those all up and I am fine. My mother an father have only been with each other and are super in love - so I am on the same wavelength. My friend's parents are not so lucky and I attribute it to this fact. I want to have what my parents have. I am surrounded by girls who sleep around and are miserable, but I wonder if they are more miserable than me in this one respect. Furthermore, I have been asked out by great people, but they don't have what I want. They may think I am funny, or pretty, smart, etc, but they just want me for a hook up (based on their past history). I wouldn't be able to deal with that emotionally, and thereforeeee, I preemptively avoid certain kinds of guys.

 

Good joke Derek, but doesn't always apply. I am not that nerdy girl - actually danced with boys in junior high at the dance. Lol, I guess I have regressed.

 

psipro, I think you have to realize one thing, that may help you understand such situations - when you cross a certain age by which most people expect you to lose your virginity - you sort of become patient, and want that person to be that much more amazing. Especially it helps if they are a virgin - something that becomes scarce as you get older. Maybe you have been lucky enough to have been with someone really amazing by your age, but some people just didn't have that chance at that age. Perhaps, if I meet someone, I would be saying the same thing - my perspective would probably change. However, currently, I am resigned to the fact that I will have to marry whoever my mom picks out for me. Geez, that was heavy - hehehe.

[drahcir]

hey Psipro....you can just call me Richard, which is my real name. Drahcir is just Richard spelled backwards of course...

 

virginity is very important to me. I would be very unwilling to marry a girl who is not a virgin...even better i would like someone who has never had a boyfriend. I am a virgin and very proud of it..that is one of the few benefits of being older and not having a girlfriend..you are pure and innocent...because its true that in of itself virginity isn't important, but it says a lot about the whole character and values of a person. If a person has thier first boyfriend or girlfriend when they are 12 and loses their virginity when they are 14, what does that say about them? A 24 year old virgin says a lot..i know one girl who is 26 and a virgin..its says a lot about character and personality..what does it show? self-discipline..values...things that will hold a relationship together during hard times....

 

i am not waiting for a perfect girl because i know no one is perfect. But i do only want to have one relationship my entire life...one girl to kiss, one girl to sleep with...ect. its more special that way....i think you can find the right person by just being friends with a girl, without moving to the romantic level...friends is just enough, and then one can know if they are the right one or not....it may hurt now not having a girlfriend, but when i finally find one i know it will be all worth the wait!!!!!! When she asks why you have never dating any girls before, you can tell her she was worth the wait!!!!!

 

Richard

[scrop]

Theres a big difference between choosing to remain a virgin and not to date people - and having the inability to for interpersonal connects with others and ending up alone.

[Pyralis]

Hello everyone!

 

I'm a 23-year-old male and have never had a girlfriend either. After reading the posts in this thread and seeing others with the courage to post about their situations here, I feel it's time I do the same.

 

I'm pretty sure that I know what my problem is, and I have a basic understanding of what I would have to do to overcome it, but the problem is that I'm lacking the confidence to get me started.

 

Let me go into a little more detail…

 

I've been visiting a few psychology websites and after taking an online personality disorder test and looking over the descriptions of various disorders, I believe I found the one that has been giving me trouble.

 

Avoidant

Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

 

After taking the test that rated me as very likely to be suffering from AvPD and reading a description of the disorder that portrayed my situation in vivid detail, I realized that I have to work on my social anxiety (shyness), feelings of inadequacy, and fear of rejection by trying to build my self-confidence, but that's where I hit the wall.

 

I know that I have to get out and meet people to get over this affliction, but like the saying; "it takes money to make money", It'll take a boost of self-confidence to give me the kick-start I'll need to get going, and with my tank on empty, I'm going nowhere fast.

 

I'm just getting tired of being alone. I try to do my best to not think about it, but almost everyday I'm reminded of my problem every time I see a happy couple enjoying each other's company. It makes me feel pathetic, worthless, depressed, and sometimes I even get a bit jealous. This has to end.

 

I'm just not sure how I can get started on the road to recovery. Any input would be appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[scrop]

Hello everyone!

 

I know that I have to get out and meet people to get over this affliction, but like the saying; "it takes money to make money", It'll take a boost of self-confidence to give me the kick-start I'll need to get going, and with my tank on empty, I'm going nowhere fast.

 

 

This is a great way to characterize the problem. I've tried to explain to people before but they just couldn't understand.

[NightLily]

Well on the issue of virginity. I am also a virgin (believe it or not..). Although I don't think I am quite as extreem as you are Richard. It wouldn't really bother me that much if my husband had kissed another person at some point in his life. Why are you so concerned about kissing as well?

 

I mean.. one way of getting to know if you want to marry somebody is through romance. Would you be planning to only kiss your wife after you married her? If you were to kiss her before and then the relationship wouldn't work out, wouldn't you in a sense be betraying your beliefs? How can you possibly control the outcome of if you live up to that or not (other then waiting to kiss her on your wedding day).

 

Like others said.. those are very strict rules. I definitely see the value of saving yourself for the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.. but I am curious as to why you throw kissing in there as well.

 

Hmm...

Take care,

SuzyQ

[Lily04]

Hey Pyralis,

 

If you've done research on the 'net and know more about yourself that is a very good start! You've pinpointed the difficulty, now you just don't know where to go..I would suggest seeing a counsellor, he/she can give you tips and personal advice on overcoming it. Are you or did you attend college/university? They usually have guidance centres & counsellors that you can access for free. I've never gone to one myself, but I see how they can be helpful..maybe a more personal touch & would give you motivation from an outside source.

 

I know getting there is the problem but just keep in mind that there are many people with the same or similar difficulties (just look at the number of people that use these forums!) and so there's no shame in going to see one. You're being proactive about it & that's always a good first step. You can book a time & then tell the counsellor what you know, and maybe she can tell you things that you don't already know & set up some sort of plan for getting over it.

 

If you don't want to see a counsellor, then I suppose the best thing to do is to read up on it & ways you can get over it, either over the 'net or in books and just *practice*. Go out and talk to people, it's great that you have the knowledge now you just have to put it into action! And remember, it's not a one-time thing, if a conversation doesn't go great that's ok, move on. There's no such thing as failure in this..it's just confidence-building exercises.

 

Good luck, and let me know what you decide!

 

Lily04

[Shinobie]

Girls r so confusing lol i never really know what they r thinking and if some of them might have some interest in me.Like this one girl on the bus ive always talked about.Somedays it seems like she will try to make eye contact or somethign and talk to her friends in a low voice and then somedays she will just talk to her friends and never look over at me.Then today her friend seemed to have accidently tapped my shoulder so i looked back and saw that her friend was looking at me im pretty sure and i think she did that to get my attention but i dont know i might be thinking stuff up again stupid me it always does seem like she might have an interest in me but girls r always so fricken confusing i can never really keep my mind on one conclusion scrop u feel like u r very down man and i hope u look up because that is what i have been trying to do put a big old smiley face on and try to be as happy as u see fit possible because i know i hate being sad and i sure as well don't want somebody else to be.

[drahcir]

hey Suzy Q...

 

well i am glad for you that you wouldn't mind kissing before marriage..or if you're husband kissed a girl before but he really loves you now...but for me i am just different....

 

i am not strict..like i might kiss before marriage, but i would prefer not to...when you kiss or have sex with someone, you share something and became stuck together...i know a girl who once told me that its like glueing to sheets of paper together..if you separate, you are going to torn..thats why i only want to kiss, date, have sex with, marry one girl...its not a legalistic thing..i just don't want to be hurt....

 

as to Shinobie..its not just girls who are like that..i know guys like that too..even some of my friends..they show interest one moment and the next they ignore you!!! i think thats just plain rude..if you like them, like them always..if you hate them, hate them always....its wrong to alternate between the two....

 

see you later

 

Richard

[Derek]

Hehe,

 

Justlikeyou wrote:

Good joke Derek, but doesn't always apply. I am not that nerdy girl - actually danced with boys in junior high at the dance. Lol, I guess I have regressed.

 

I also remember that time, I was no Casanova, but I did get to dance with one or two girls, but I remember that feeling at the start of the dance when it is so awkward, everyone is shuffling their feet and looking at their shoes... someone has to break the ice!

 

Image feeling that awkward way all the time and you might see how some of the guys in this thread feel. I tend to start out shy with new people but over time I've forced myself to learn the confidence to turn on the charm when I have to.

 

I am trying to learn to be even better at making people feel comfortable and safe talking to me. I like having fun and interesting conversations.

 

Kissing and virginity and all that is another thread. I figure if two people can get to a place of trust, comfort and maturity with each other. Then they should be able to communicate openly about "kissing" and "virginity" before they are doing the nasty in the back seat and waking up bewildered saying "it just happened!!"

 

Communication is key to getting to that place.

 

Oh yes, to the dude that doesn't want to kiss until marriage, I respect that, but I think going out with the opposite sex, even in a group/friends setting, is going to show you what qualities you would like in your future wife (i.e. compassion) and what qualities to avoid. (i.e. golddigging )

 

 

 

[Pyralis]

 

 

Thank you for your reply, Lily.

 

Counseling would be a good idea, but unfortunately I've been out of university for almost a year now. I still need to pick up a couple of credits, but I'm not sure when I'll go back to finish my degree. I've been working full time lately and for financial reasons I haven't really been thinking of going back in September. I live at home with my Mom and with her being out of work at the moment I have to contribute more than my fair share. Maybe when things get better I'll go back and finish my education and possibly look up a counselor.

 

On a more positive note a couple of people I work with are planning to go to Paramount Canada's Wonderland and asked me about a week ago if I would like to join them. The plan would be that I'd be going with two of my co-workers, one of their siblings, and some of their friends that have decided to come along too. Of course being an avoidant person my first instinct was to say no thanks or make up some stupid excuse not to go. Before I gave my answer I realized that I was just repeating the same pattern of behavior that has been haunting me for so long, so I agreed to go with them. I don't expect this to be easy for me since I don't know any of their friends and I'm usually very nervous around unfamiliar people, but I figure if I can do this, it might give me the push I need to get more comfortable with meeting new people. Besides, it'll give me a chance to get to know my co-workers better outside of work, and I'm looking forward to that.

[Lily04]

Hey, that's great! I love Canada's Wonderland, I'm sure you'll have a great time. And it won't be so stressful because there's the rides to occupy you guys, so there won't be so much stress on talking =)

 

Also, that's ok about the counselling it's not really necessary, although I just thought it might help. If you're resourceful & working harder to improve yourself (as you are), then it's not really necessary. I personally overcame it on my own, so it's not impossible.

 

Anyways, have fun & thanks for the update.

[Pyralis]

Hey, that's great! I love Canada's Wonderland, I'm sure you'll have a great time. And it won't be so stressful because there's the rides to occupy you guys, so there won't be so much stress on talking =)

 

Anyways, have fun & thanks for the update.

 

Hey Lily!

 

Well, it seems that I may have spoke too soon. Looks like the guy who was supposed to get my ticket, as well as tickets for at least two others backed out on us. Look like the trip to Wonderland will be either postponed or cancelled. Oh well, it's disappointing, but I'm sure I'll have other chances to practice my social skills.