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Pyralis

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Everything posted by Pyralis

  1. Wow, that summed up my feelings towards Valentine's Day pretty well. As for me, I'll be going to work in the morning, going home at 15:00, having a shower and eat something, and then I'm going to take delivery of my new car at 18:00. 8) At least that will hopefully keep my mind off of the fact that I'm all alone on yet another Valentine's Day. On the other hand that empty passenger's seat may just bring it all back in the end.
  2. 1. Going to work from 8:00 to 15:00 2. Go home, take shower and eat something 3. Take delivery of my brand new 2005 Pontiac Grand Am GT @ 18:00 8) At least getting the new car will keep my mind off of being all alone on V-day. Too bad the passenger's seat will be empty though. *sigh...*
  3. Yeah, I love that feeling too. But I only ever get it every once in a blue moon. I can really identify with some of the posters here about how reality can be a real mood killer. I used to have that feeling that a special someone could be just around the corner when I was at high school and university. It was a very warm and almost intoxicating feeling, but now after all of the loneness and rejection and the countless nights spent alone and emotionally destroyed, I think I have finally sobered up to reality. I find it very difficult to get myself back to that kind of feeling. After so many years of knowing that no female has ever shown interest in me it's so hard to not be pessimistic of the future. I know that everyone says that I have to be happy with and love myself first before I will find that special someone, but how can I possibly do that knowing that even if I absolutely adored myself women would most likely still avoid me like the plague? I guess I've gotten too used to being ignored and overlooked to even get my hopes up anymore. Some people choose to live a life of solitude, others, like me, seem to be cursed at birth to it. What did I do to deserve this life? What did I do?!
  4. I feel that I can relate to a lot of the posts that have been made here so far and then some. I was the geeky loser at school as well and girls never noticed me at all. The very few times that I managed to suck up enough self-confidence and self-esteem to make an attempt to ask someone out I was met with rejection and humiliation. I think that I can safely say that any self-confidence and self-esteem that I may have once had has now been completely destroyed. Now whenever I find myself in a situation where I could have an opportunity to get to know a woman better, or ask her out, or whatever, I simply do not have the resources to make the effort anymore. I truly feel as if my reservoirs of self-confidence and self-esteem are not only empty, they have been completely shattered as well. Completely preventing them from ever filling up again. I have had a few conversations about these problems with people and they all struggle to understand why I've never had and probably never will have a girlfriend. One of the people that I have talked to actually envied the fact that I've never had a relationship. She said that I managed to spare myself a lot of heartache and drama. That statement, needless to say, really annoyed me. I felt like replying by saying that at least you have had those experiences. All we ever really have in life are our experiences. At least you have gone though some of the good times as well as the bad. Imagine a "love life" that is filled with nothing but loneliness, rejection, regret, and bitterness. How dare you say that you envy my situation? I would never wish my "love life" or any aspect of my life on even my most worst, most hated enemy. No human being deserves to be sentenced to the life I've been forced to lead. No human being should be forced to endure the feelings of utter hopelessness and worthlessness that I endure everyday. I realize that the grass may look greener on the other side to you, but believe me, it's all crab grass and poison ivy. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to feel loved and wanted but everyone I come in contact with either seems to hate me or they just plain ignore me. I think that it may be my jaded view that has developed slowly over the years, but it feels as if everyone around me rubs his or her relationships in my face as well. It's like whenever I'm around they talk about their great girlfriend or great boyfriend and how wonderful they are together and how great their sex life is and they talk about their plans for the future and blah, blah, blah, blah… I know that most people would be happy for them, but for me it's the emotional equivalent of rubbing salt in my wounds. I wish there was a way to start taking action again and hopefully find someone, but with no fuel for the fire I'm going nowhere fast. I gave up a long time ago and I don't think I can take this life of mine much longer. There's just no point. In life we have to play the cards that we have been dealt, unfortunately for me I was dealt a losing hand. Sorry for my rant. It's all just built up to the exploding point and I had to let it out. I'll go back to hiding under a rock now.
  5. I have thought about my high school days and I think that me not having any dating experiences in high school has hurt me in the relationships department. Your high school years are supposed to be the ones in which you get over all of the awkwardness and shyness of dating, and since I never had those experiences, I never got past that stage and I think that has hurt my interpersonal development. I was and still am very shy about the whole dating thing. I never got over it way back when I was expected to. Now I'm a 23 year old man with almost no relationship experience.
  6. Squishiness can be really good. There's nothin' wrong with a little squishiness. *Hug* Mmmm, soft. It's much better than hugging skin and bones.
  7. Wow Kari, that sounds like quite an ordeal that you are going through. I hope you heal up enough in time for your trip. Get well soon.
  8. I wish you a quick recovery and happy holidays, PADreamer. Get well soon.
  9. Hey Ilse, Yeah, I did do some homework on some of the different medications available to me. My doctor wanted to start me on Zoloft and see how that goes for a while. I guess mainly for its treatment of both social anxiety and depression. I will definitely be discussing therapy options with him. Around here it can cost about $100 an hour for therapy and my benefits coverage at work is limited to 100% coverage up to $300 and 50% coverage from $300 to $450. There are some places though that charge on a sliding scale based on income and some free treatment options at the local hospital that I could look into. We'll get into all of that on my next visit on Jan 6th. I agree, the meds aren't a solution, just a tool to assist in getting better. I did read your post about Efexor. My co-worker I speak to about these things said that she had some side effects from Zoloft when she first started taking it. She had nausea and other common side effects. She said that they only lasted about a week or two then she was fine. She doesn't use Zoloft anymore. Her doctors and therapists helped her to find the right medication for her. I think she's using Prozac now. I don't know if Zoloft is right for me yet. I'll have to find what is right for me over time, both in the areas of medication and therapy. I wish you good luck with your recovery, Ilse. And thank you for continuing to reply to my thread. If you ever want to use PM or MSN to talk, feel free. You take care too! Pyralis
  10. Pyralis

    Celexa

    I got that quote from the prescribing information for Zoloft (sertraline hydrochloride), which is the SSRI that I'm being treated with. I just started taking it this morning. There have been incidences of ejaculation failure (delayed ejaculation) and decreased libido in placebo-controlled clinical trials. Adverse Event Zoloft(N=2799) Placebo(N=2394) ------------------------------------------------------- Ejaculation Failure 14 1 Decreased Libido 6 2 Those are pretty small numbers considering the total number of people tested so it seems to be rare. Zoloft is used to treat Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. SSRIs seem to affect different people in different ways. If the SSRI your bf is using is causing problems then maybe a change of meds is in order. Talk to a doctor.
  11. I went to my doctor appointment today and I think it went pretty well. I discussed my problems with my doctor for over an hour and we discussed treatment options as well. I told him all about my depression and social anxiety and low self-confidence and low self-esteem. I also told him that these things have been bothering me for many years and have finally reached the point where I cannot deal with it anymore by just ignoring the problem with the hope that it'll just go away on its own. We talked about how medications could help with the social anxiety and depression but the other issues of the low self-confidence and self-esteem have to be worked on by myself or with therapy. I was given a prescription for link removed (sertraline hydrochloride) 50mg, which is an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor) and I was scheduled for a follow up appointment for January 6th to check on my progress and to determine if the medication is working or not and to see if therapy is recommended as well. I have to take one capsule every morning for 30 days and my first dose is tomorrow morning and it may take 2 to 4 weeks to notice an effect. This drug is only to help restore the natural balance of Serotonin in my brain and is only to assist me in getting better by lessening the symptoms of depression and social anxiety. The whole self-confidence/self-esteem thing is up to me to resolve. I may still need therapy to help me in those areas. I really hope these first few steps are the right ones. I really want these problems to end and I want to start living. I want a normal life for once. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.
  12. Hey, that's a really good question. I'd like to know the answer to that one too. I think that's normal for 5' 7". I'm 5' 11" and only 139 lbs. I'm too skinny. lol. I need to bulk up a bit. I'm a toothpick.
  13. I'm the same way, Kaia. I'm very quiet and shy around people I don't know, but after I warm up to them and get to know them a little better I become more comfortable and I find myself able to participate in the conversation more. I'm always asked why I'm so quiet too. I find that if someone is not shy they simply do not understand how hard it is to talk to unfamiliar people.
  14. Yeah, friends are really important too. I've been struggling with depression for quite along time along with social anxiety. If it wasn't for a friend and all around wonderful person at my workplace I don't think I would be seeking out professional help right now. My friend and I have talked about our depression problems and she's been really supportive.
  15. That's great, man. I wish you luck and a full recovery from your depression.
  16. Exactly. It's up to you to get better. Professional help and medications are only to assist you in getting better. It's ultimately up to you. I've made an appointment with my doctor for Monday to start on my long road to becoming a better person. I know it won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.
  17. Yeah, that's true. Try not to think about it. It'll happen when it happens. You can't make it happen. I also think that it depends on luck too. Unfortunately some people are way luckier than others. It's not a fair world we live in, that's for sure.
  18. Sometimes I think that it's just luck that you find someone you "click" with. You can't make someone like you. It's like some sort of twisted lottery game where, unfortunately, some people have way more luck than others.
  19. I was going to post a response to this thread, but ShySoul summed up my point of view rather nicely in his post. I wouldn't say that I think about it rarely though, more like often. lol. But the rest is pretty accurate.
  20. Thank you Mahlina and Ilse and thank you to everyone who has replied to my posts. You're all wonderful. I see what you mean about how depression affects my perception of my life. I know that I do have a few positive aspects in my life but my depression doesn't allow me to enjoy those aspects. It all feels so bleak and pointless. It has the effect of making me feel as if there is nothing there at all and makes me long for more. I dunno, maybe if I can get over this the distorting effects of depression will go away and I'll be able to see clearly again. I like your "trapped under the ice" metaphor, Ilse. It describes how I feel so accurately. I do feel trapped. I know that I *could* go out and I *could* meet new people or socialize with the people that I already know, but I feel as if my depression is holding me down. I'm a very shy guy and the thought of going out to a public place like a bar or club or whatever scares me. I'm more of a quiet night at home kind of guy, but unfortunately that's not a great way to meet people. And the ice is a really good metaphor for my distorted, grayed view of my life. Also I feel as if I'm running out of air real quick too. I want to breathe/live so badly, but I can't break through the ice to get to the surface. At least not by myself anyway. I feel like I'm drowning in my own depression. It's getting dark and so very cold. I've had a change of heart about the whole medication thing ever since I talked with my co-worker about her experience going through her depression. I'm not nearly as leery about taking them anymore. I feel that I'll need all the help I can get anyway. Thank you again to all who have posted so far and to the entire eNotAlone community.
  21. I feel the same way. I'm addicted to eNotAlone too. lol.
  22. I like women of almost any size, as long as they aren't stick thin or very flabby. I find the most attractive women are of a healthy body weight for their height (this can range from thin to thick and still be healthy and attractive) and have a nicely proportioned female form. As you can see I'm not picky at all when it comes to women of different sizes. Sometimes I think that I may be strange in that way because it seems like everyone else I know is way pickier than me when it comes to judging a woman as being attractive or not. At my workplace we get a copy of the Toronto Sun newspaper every day and they have a photo of a "Sunshine Girl" in every issue. I have heard all of the guys I work with and a couple of the girls too (they're bisexual) evaluating the Sunshine Girl each morning and being really picky about certain things about her. They have even gone as far as saying that the Sunshine Girl was ugly one day and I thought she looked good. Sure, she may have not been what most people consider to be a "supermodel," but she was still nice looking. Some of their comments have even made me angry because they can get really shallow and crude. I dunno, I guess I just have a more universal taste when it comes to women of different sizes and shapes than most guys.
  23. Wow, it's been a long time, over a month. I have finally decided to get off of my butt and do something about my condition. I just made an appointment with my family doctor yesterday for December 13th. I plan on going in and telling him about my depression, as well as my very low self-confidence, extremely low self-esteem, and high levels of social anxiety (shyness), etc. He's been our family physician for over 15 years and I think he may be able to help get me started on the road to recovery. I am hoping that he can refer me to a specialist that can really help me to get over this. These problems have been bothering me since I was a little kid and are only getting worse with time. I have been talking to a co-worker of mine who is really supportive and has been through the same kind of problems I am struggling with. She was diagnosed with clinical depression and she thinks that I may be suffering from something similar. She has been on medication for many years and has been seeing a therapist. She used to be a very depressed, shy and withdrawn, but now she's one of the most happy, confident and outgoing people I know. I look up to her as inspiration of what I may be able to achieve and I trust her advice. It's also really great to have someone I can talk to who knows where I'm coming from and understands me. Everyone else just seems to be guessing. She is always willing to talk with me if she notices that I'm feeling down and I thank her so very much for that. She's one in a million, that's for sure. I don't think that I'd be going to the doctor now if it wasn't for her advice and support. Well, my appointment is in eight days, wish me luck.
  24. I'm pretty sure that my shyness is due to social anxeity. (whatever's causing it, I'm sure I have a lot of it. I'm hoping that they can perscribe something for that too. Yeah, I kind of figured that. Oh well, at least it's a first step to getting the help that I need.
  25. Ah yes, meds. I know that they're not the sole sloution to a problem but I think that they can help. When it comes to me getting over my depression and shyness and etc, etc... (the list is long) I find that I've hit a brick wall and I may need a little something to give me the boost I need to get back on track. I just made an appointment with my family doctor yesterday for Dec. 13th. Hopefully he can help me and if not maybe he can recommend a specialist who can. I don't know if he'll be able to perscribe anything since he's a general physician and not a psychiatrist/psycologist. (I can never remember which term is which) Hopefully he can start me off on something like a mild anti-depressant (do they make anti-shyness pills too? lol) or something and if that doesn't work maybe try something stronger or refer me to a specialist to go on from there. I dunno. I've come to the end of what I feel I can do on my own and this may be time for me to get professional help. I'm a little nervous and I feel like this is a first step on a long journey. I just hope the doctors can help me. If not then there may be no hope for me at all.
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