24 and never had a girlfriend

[wing wha]

this has hit 180 posts. it was started in april. this guy got our help

[Caldus]

this has hit 180 posts. it was started in april. this guy got our help

 

Yeah, I realized that too while re-reading the whole thread earlier today. Maybe the topic should be split up somehow. Not sure how though...

[drahcir]

hey Madhornet...

 

ya i have had that experience too...where there has been a girl who already has a boyfriend or who is married who smiles at me non-stop..i canot imagine what she is thinking or what she is trying to do....oh well..smile back......

 

its hard because if you are already in a committed relationship, while would you even want to be friends with someone of the opposite sex...like say i found a girlfriend and we were happy..i wouldn't want to be friends with a nother girl...even friendship in a way is cheating...

 

RIchard

[Caldus]

Um, no it wouldn't be cheating. I don't see anything wrong with it.

[zombie king]

I was a loner all through school and I've become used to the lifestyle.

But lately, I've found myself wishing I could meet a girl that I could just have fun with and do stuff and be romantic.

Since I've never developed good social skills, it's hard for me.

It is getting better. I'm less nervous and can carry on a conversation now,... but I can't initiate any type of anything beyond a casual chat.

I can't tell if a girl is single,.. I can't tell if a girl likes me,.. and I STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.

That's a big hit to my confidence as people my age who still live with mom and pop are considered losers.

I'm not going to college or anything. I'm just working at some dead-end job making enough money to pay for my car that I use to drive to my job. (and I guess to the mall on weekends to buy stuff and just hope I meet a nice girl.)

I don't like myself so I don't think any girl could like me when she really gets to know me.

I've never had sex. I've never even had a first kiss or been on a date.

I've just been having these "romantic" feelings lately that's been making me want to have someone to just be close to, hold hands, cuddle,.. share interests and just love and feel loved.

I give up easily. I always say, "I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone, ever. "

But in reality I do.

But it doesn't mean I ever will.

[Pyralis]

 

 

Dude, I know exactly where you are coming from. From what you described we seem to be in almost the exact same situation. We're the same age, still live with parent(s), low-confidence, poor social skills, dead-end job, never had a date or first kiss, still a virgin etc… but add to my list extreme shyness and intense feelings of inadequacy.

 

I was a loner in high school too and even through university I only had a few acquaintances but never any friends. It's extremely frustrating to see others who make it look so easy to go up to girls and be themselves and have so much success with the opposite sex. Heck, even where I work there are a few 18 and 19 year olds who seem to have enough experience with the opposite sex to fill a freaking novel. It's so depressing to see people five years younger than me talking about all of their previous experiences amongst themselves and there I am on the sidelines of the conversation, listening, being reminded of how much of a loser I am.

 

There doesn't seem to be a day that goes by without me thinking about how wonderful it would be to have someone to love. To deal with these feelings in my day-to-day life I just try my best not to think about it, but of course that's only a very temporary solution. Suicide has crossed my mind from time to time, but I don't think I would have it in me to kill myself. (Stupid self-preservation instinct. The only thing that keeps me going is the small possibility that things just may get better in the future.

[1899]

Ok, for guys in my age group, if you want to meet girls, you must get out there and go where they are! I used to work at a mechanics shop down the street from where i lived when i graduated from High school in a little town. After work drove home. Simple as that. Do you think i met many girls? No, other than the one that worked in the office or at the grocery store.

 

Then I got this job working at the State Capitol as a security guard in the city. Guess what? There have to be 100's of girls my age that are interns or aids that i see smiling saying hi at me every day i go to work. Every day I see a new ones that may just be coming around to visit, pick up some legal documents etc. Its hard NOT to show intrest in them. I didnt get the job for the girls BUT my point is you have to make an effort to go where they are on a routine basis. Job change, school, gym, Whatever. Just think, where would i find women my age?

 

Then try to work on being more outgoing. Making shure you are dressed nicely. I believe women notice that. Try to befriend people around the girls. That way they can see that you are a normal person. And as always, BE YOURSELF.Then when you see one youd like to talk to, introduce yourself to her. DONT show alot of interest, just simple talk at first. Chances are shes in the same boat you are in. Just give her a little to wonder about. Dont smother her with your feelings. Gradually befrend her and just see where it is going and she may draw towards you.

[Caldus]

That way they can see that you are a normal person.

 

I'm far from normal. =P

[1899]

But chances are theres some girl out there that likes you just the way you are. But she wont know that unless you atleast show up on her radar screen. Hold you head up High when you walk. Walk with confidence, feel good about yourself. Whatever it takes to do that. You should see how many heads it turns (i see them in the corner of my eyes)

[Caldus]

Yeah I know. If a girl is going to be with me then she better like my strange personality anyway. Otherwise it's their loss.

[drahcir]

"We’re the same age, still live with parent(s), low-confidence, poor social skills, dead-end job, never had a date or first kiss, still a virgin etc… but add to my list extreme shyness and intense feelings of inadequacy. "

 

--i mostly agree with this....except i have learnt to have a lot of self confidence...actually because i was made fun of alot at school, i learnt to be a stronger person and appreciate myself, because no one else did.....i had to love myself..and i worked hard so i can escape my dead end job by doing very well in school.....and i hope to leave my parents when i am 22......how does everyone else fit into this profile....

 

1899..thanks for the advise..could you tell us about some of the girlfriends you have had??

 

RIchard

[1899]

Actually drahcir, I have not had much experience with the opposite sex. My other posts will show you some examples.There were some girls that i thought looked good in HS and i had one ask me for my number at the last day of school, but i never made advances on them. My parents raised me strictly against no dating (very religious) so i knew better.

I now live on my own and Ive just recently been thrown into the dating scene with this job that i have. Had one take me to lunch on the second day, I really liked that. (They are aggressive) At this point im just picking and choosing who id like to get to know better.

Ive also learned that I must choose women who are on the same spritual level with me and try to block out the rest. (its hard sometimes) If you are not a gototheclub party drinking smoking kinda guy, why hang out with a girl who is like that? or vice versa. I think you should find people who your lifestyles are compatible with.

[Lily04]

I agree with 1899..don't just date someone you don't really like for the sake of dating, make sure that you guys have some things in common & there's mutual interest in each other. At the same time, I'm not sure if I pick & choose too much..I've had a lot of chances in the past that I've let slide and they might have been fun experiences. But I don't really regret it because I either wasn't really into the person, or maybe just wasn't ready to date. I think developing self-confidence is a really good suggestion, and I've had to work on that as well..I used to be really shy but I think learning more about yourself and your abilities really helps. Think about what you're really good at and focus on those positive aspects that you like about yourself.

 

I also don't think it's a crime if you're not the most talkative person on the planet. Do activities that you enjoy with someone, and topics of interest will pop up. It doesn't have to be the conventional 'date' with dinners and flowers. Don't put stress on yourself..just do what you like (and hopefully the girl likes as well.)

 

Just get to know people..I'm a pretty spontaneous person though so I don't even like planning what to do in advance sometimes. Just do whatever feels right, I think that's good advice in general regarding dating..

 

ALSO, please don't think you're a loser if you don't have a date by the end of this summer. This isn't a waiting game. Set goals for yourself; join yoga, or tennis, or whatever you find enjoyable and try talking to people more. Maybe I was lucky because I lived in res, so I lived in a social atmosphere. I guess it's harder if you don't..joining clubs, neighhorhood things might help. But ultimately do it for yourself, not just to desperately get some date. Also, if living with your parents really bothers you, just move out. I felt the need to do that last year, I knew I couldn't live with my parents & needed independence and I think it was quite beneficial. Just don't get so down about this..I know I haven't had a 'boyfriend' per se yet either, but it's not the end of the world. It's probably not happening because you haven't developed enough self-confidence yet and/or aren't meeting the right type of people. Going to a counsellor may also help..geez this thread is getting depressing.

 

lily04

[downout]

Everyone seems to talk about getting confidence from moving out and having your independence and while I agree that this is important I think moving out just for the sake of increasing your self-esteem is not a good reason. Living on your own is expensive and can cause alot of additional stress as well. If you are working a low income job then u wont have much disposable income which means you probably cant afford a girlfriend anyways. 85% of your income will likely go to paying bills, utilities, rent, etc. I think its better to go to school to give yourself an opportunity to get a higher paying job where you can advance and make a nice living for yourself. Its hard but the rewards are worth it, school does make a huge difference and these days highschool just dosent get you very far. I am 28 and I still live at home, yes I could have moved out into a tiny apartment but just for the sake of saying im independent and having my own place yet struggling financially to support this really dosent make alot of sense in my mind.

[drahcir]

i believe in destiny and thats not a good thing...i don't know whether its God or just bad luck....but it seems that no matter how hard i try things go against me. I try so hard to have relations with my parents but it doesn't work out....try hard to do volunteer work but i doin't get accepted..try hard to work hard, but it fails anyway..i cannot understand...i keep thinking that if i try hard i will succeed but its hard to believe thats true....in regards to girls, the same...i have tried harder to find a girlfriend than any other guy i know personally, but still failed..its like certain things in my life have been predestined...so no matter how hard i try it won't work out..so shoould i stop trying?????? well....i don' t know..if i don't try then for sure i lose..but i might try and lose anyway so there is no point in trying, unless you learn something on the way, which i doubt i will because in trying to find a girlfriend and having not found one i have not learnt anything other than trying sometimes gets you know where..i want to quit.....but i don't want to accept failure either.....my life must go on.....but it frustrates me because other poeple have good relations with their family and they don't put in 5% of the effor i put in...or the same amount of effort into finding a girlfriend....i dress nicely, act politely.....i am the most perfect bachelor i know..and i am sure lots of other guys here can say that too....and yet no girlfriend....now sometimes i try to justify this by thinking that other girls who are not my girlfriend benefit by my character..maybe they do....

 

Richard

[1899]

You are 20 years old, you (and me) have another 15-20 years to make major changes in life including finding someone. I dont think trying to find girls will help. All you can do is work on yourself and be availible when one comes along. When this happens become her friend and please dont act desparate. If anything you will grow on her and she will grow on you. Like the women i talk to every time i see them, I just talk to them about casual stuff, next thing i know, conversations grow longer and we get comfortable around each other so even though i havent made any moves, i dont feel lonely. Regardless of where you come from, your status etc. Just try to find somthing to do in your life that you enjoy and someone will admire you for it. Oh and dont gauge your progress on others because this causes you to become desparate and others can tell that, work on yoursef.

[piscesprincess]

All you need is some self-esteem...maybe go into a big city & just talk to random girls, that way, if they don't like you, at least you will (probably) never see them again.

 

No, seriously- she is out there- your soul mate...now that you seem to be ready (when you least expect it) she will come into your life. Just don't look for her. Keep living day by day. I believe you will meet by chance. Sometimes you have to date many until the right one comes. Relationships take work, time, and patience.

 

Just take things slow. Don't rush things once you meet a potential girlfriend. Fmales sense these things. Unfortunately, not everyone is nice in this hectic world. Everyone gets rejected (not just ugly people). Keep that in mind & do not give up

[chadyls]

I am now a 27 year old man and has never been on a date, kissed , or even held hands with a girl in a sexual, romantic way. I am highly educated, intelligent and have a very lucrative job (20K/month). I am generally not shy in regular social settings but when it comes to meeting girls, boy am I shy! I would rather give a conference or speech to a hundred people than to ask an attractive girl out. I am OK looking but I lack a sense of humor, and my always-serious attitude is my major drawback. I have many "friends" but most of them befriend me out of personal interest as they call only when they need something. I did not have a "normal" teenage life as my interest in intimate relationships was very limited. I was merely focused on my educational and career goals. Now that I have achieved on the professional level, my desire for intimacy surfaced but has been hindered by lack of experience, lack of confidence and seriousness. Emptiness and loneliness now rule my life despite having an excellent family support system.

Any advice or successful experiences are appreciated.

[drahcir]

This is a poem i wrote about not having a girlfriend. Its not that good, but its better than nothing. Does anyone else relate to this poem??? Has anyone here written a poem about not having a girlfriend that they are willing to share with us? Here it is.

 

Name: "Rescue Me"

Whenever I see you, you are not there

In lovers, in sisters, do I stare

Will you ever appear to me?

Its your angelic body I long to see

My heart is hurt, my spirit is broken

In thirst of you, my spirit has spoken

In darkness and despair I have been inprisoned

With borrowed hope its you I've envisioned

Come to me and set me free

Come now and let my soul allow

You to fly with me.

 

-Richard

[Lily04]

Wow Richard, that's a really good poem! I have never written one about not having a boyfriend, although I have written numerous journal entries about it In any case, I'm sure you guys will get girlfriends soon, you seem intelligent & sweet, and I'm sure reasonably good-looking, so it's not like you have a bad attitude that would turn off girls. It may just take some time to get your self-confidence up, but there's no desperate rush..it's not like you have a terminal disease or anything (hopefully) so you still have, like one poster said, another 20 yrs to go if necessary.

 

To chadyls I can completely relate to what you're saying except on a more micro scale. Those were most of the reasons why I didn't date all through high school (among others, like I wasn't really interesting in dating), but I was so studious and focused on academic success, it really deterred me from even thinking about it. Even my first yr in university was somewhat like that. But now that it's summer and I've had a chance to reflect on my years, I realize that it's not the best way to go, and at some point I'll have to change if I want to be happy & more fulfilled. I think it's good that you've realized this, and I'm sure you have many qualities (like the ones you've mentioned) that are attractive to many girls. Just look in the right places..if you're attracted to professional women, try striking up a conversation at a business conference dinner or something. I'm sure they can share many of the same interests as well.

 

Take care,

 

lily04

[Caldus]

That's part of my problem too. I was way too focused on school and was always a goody-two-shoes type of person or however you say that. I have never smoked, drinked, have sex, no piercings, no tattoos... I always had to make sure that I got all of the work done and that I did the work as best as I possibly could. So last year in college I got straight A's but why does that matter? I have D, if not, an F when it comes to dating.

 

Anyway, I mean I have met a lot more people recently and I'm getting better at trying to loosen up and be social around other people, but it's pretty much who I am. I am not the kind of person who just completely loosens up, you know? I always have to do something, whether it's work or studying or doing things around the house. I realize that if I sit here and do nothing then all that happens is that I get depressed and start whining about not ever having a girlfriend before. Maybe there are other girls like that at my college, but I'm not sure. It will be really hard for me to find the right girl but it could happen I guess.

[wlfpack81]

chadyls

 

if you're making 20k a month (200k a year) you can get any girl you want basically (well at least 99% of them despite what they say). Just flash your $$$ man and the girls will flock to you despite what you look like or how you act. Man if I had that kind of dough I'd definitely by a very expensive car to attract the females.

[piscesprincess]

ake a chance, guys...step outside of you're heads. Unless you think you are ugly, it seems that most people that date later in life just think too much, probably b/c you are intelligent (I'm assumung).

 

Step outside of yourselves (your minds)...femlaes like it when men are confident, funny (good conversation)...there is that "je ne sais quoi" quality to them which attracts- it's an essense, I suppose it can't really be taught > you're born with it or not.

 

As for money (material wealth) yes, that works too, but that doesn't necessarily make you satisfied. I find men with cash are less ready to commit b/c they know (or think) all women want is what they can buy them. Whenever I see an older, balding man in a mercedes, lexus, bmw, etc...and they are speeding with the window down blasting music from 5 years ago: all people know- midlife crisis....

[1899]

But be carefull about flashing money, you dont want someone that likes you just for your money!

[wlfpack81]

But be carefull about flashing money, you dont want someone that likes you just for your money!

 

Hell at this point I don't care if a girl were to like me for money. I'm 23 and inexperienced and if a girl is going to let me get intimate with her just b/c I'm rich, well hell I don't care. Better than looking at porns and dating "betty and her 4 friends" every freaking Fri/Sat nite.