Desperate girl seeks sensible advice :)

[Laymisse]

Ok i'm going to summarise everything as briefly as i can

 

- He dumped me in six months ago indirectly for another girl

- She's gorgeous

- They're still together, in a long-distance relationship. They see each other only during university holidays, but i'm at uni with him all the rest of the time

- I've never met her

- When me and him see each other, we ignore each other. We don't have each other on facebook now either, and i dont have his number

 

That's pretty much all the background you need. Apart from i still miss him. SO much. I've done all the socialising, dating, studying you're supposed to do to 'distract' yourself and he's still in my head constantly. I want him back - and i know my chances are slim to none but i need some serious help, and i'm prepared for posts saying "get over him, forget him" but i'm hoping posters in this forum might understand that it really isn't that easy.

 

The 2 points i want help on is

a) How to get in contact with him again without sounding like a desperate ex (we have no mutual friends). I think right now i might settle even for accquaintance

b) If possible, advice on how to get him to want me again It's summer vacation now so he'll be back with her, and we're living in different countries. I'm using the summer to slim down, and try and look a fraction as good as she does so that maybe in september, i might have more of a chance.

 

PLEASE help me. I'm so desperate here

[Caterina]

The sensible advice is to get over him. But, ifyou're desperate. Go seek him out and say, "I at least deserve to know why."

[ladyspirit]

Yeah, the sensible advice is to move on...I know it's hard, but you'll be better off in the long run. Good luck.

[penelope13]

You wanted sensible advice: the sensible thing is to keep away from him. He had the opportunity to chose between you and her, and he still chose her despite the additional challenge of the long distance - I think this is a clear sign that he is really into her and not into you!

 

Do NOT settle for being an aquaintance or a friend, if you have romantic feelings for him - you will hurt more than you are hurting now. Nothing good will come of this. There are only very, very few people who are able to pull this off.

 

The longer you allow yourself to have hopes, the longer it will take you to move on. I understand that you have a lot of feelings for him. You do not have to let go of these feelings, if you are not ready to do so, but you have to let go of the hope to be a couple again.

 

There is no way you can contact him given the circumstances without appearing like a desperate ex!

 

b) He already knows you, yet he chose to be with someone else. Someone else who lives far away. Do you seriously believe that he is only with her because of her looks? - Changing your looks for him won't matter. And if this would change his decision, then he truly would be a superficial person. Is that the kind of guy you would want to be with?

 

If you want to work on your fitness - go for it. But do it for yourself, not because you want to impress someone who is in a relationship with someone else.

 

Your believe that he is with the other girl solely due to her looks, seems to indicate that you have issues with your self esteem. Do not fall into the pit that you need to have a certain figure to attract someone. This sounds quite dangerous to me, since I would be afraid that every single time your partner would not be happy with you, you would think it's because of your appearance -that is not a way to live.

 

Sorry that I cannot give you the advice that you were seeking, but I hope I can help you to see how unhealthy it is for you to continue with your train of thought

[yumicecream]

I say have some pride woman!

[lavenderdove]

Here's a very simple but true thing: if he's really into someone else rather than you, it won't matter what you do because he's in love with her and wants to be with her and not you.

 

The only chance you might have is IF he decides to break up with her and IF he genuinely misses you and realizes he made a mistake breaking up with you.

 

But it's really not appropriate to try to go after someone who is an ex, has a girlfriend, and isn't even really a friend at this point. You may still have feelings for him, but if he's into someone else, he will see your attempts to lure him away from her as needy, desperate, and potentially as stalking him.

 

So you need to accept that he is gone and you need to start living your own life in the present rather than hanging onto the past. You need to get out there, meet new people, and stop obsessing about someone who already has a partner. He's taken and not available to you.

 

Keep in mind that if he wanted to be with you, he would be, and he sees you around and could contact you, but he's choosing to ignore you and be with someone else. So you need to do the same. You just can't make someone come back when they've moved on, unless they want to and initiate it.

[ResonanceTheory]

It's not what you want to hear, but what the above posters have said is absolutely correct. We have all been there, and know how hard it is. The longer you cling to the idea of trying to get him back (particularly when he has not tried to contact you and shows no interest in you at all), the longer it will take you to get over him.

[Rosee]

I have to agree with the other posters comments, he's made his choice. But even though you don't feel it now, you will get over him, just give it some more time. I remember wanting my last ex back very badly and I felt like that for many months then those feelings just stopped, it's just a matter of time - I actually still think of him but there's no sadness or yearning there anymore, it will happen for you too, but actively trying to keep the hope alive might slow down the process.

[JuneBug]

Laymisse

 

I'm almost in the same situation as you are. My ex also dumped me about a little over 4 months ago and now he's sort of with another girl long distance. However, this long distance thing is probably tougher to keep since she's in a different country and he only sees her when he returns to his country, which won't be the case since we both graduated and he's starting work soon here after he goes home this summer. However, the point is, he is still with her and I have to accept that (even though in the back of my mind, I have no doubt they will break up since long distance never works). I think you should also first accept that he has chosen someone else to be with over you. But, like you, I also miss him. So how I deal with it is have the following mentality:

 

1. Let their relationship run its course--if you interrupt, you'll risk losing him completely.

2. Meanwhile, do exactly as you said--improve yourself. If you truly felt like there are flaws about you (mentally or physically), I would take the time apart to improve those aspects. Although it may be for him initially, it would ultimately be for you in the long run.

3. There are many relationships where people get back together AFTER they take some time growing without each other. So just have the mentality that if you were truly meant to be, it will (probably) happen. You may be NC for a long time, then slowly start talking again, then maybe realize that the connection is still there, etc etc. It just takes time if it happens.

4. IF the relationship does start again, it is going to be entirely new. Chances are, nobody wants to remember the old relationship if that relationship had reasons to end. You have to learn to try to be happy and independent without him so that the relationship can truly be "new"

5. Also be open to the possibility that while all this is happening, someone better may come along in the middle, ruin your plans, and make you happier than you ever thought you could be. =)

 

No matter what, you cannot make him think you're desperate. That is the most unattractive quality. Even if you're dying inside. If he loved you once, there's no way he will ever forget about you. Also, the longer you've been together, the bigger the chance of getting him back (so I've read). So I say, just try to be happy without him, establish limited contact when you're ready (as in you won't cry, or break down, or feel horrible for the next week if you see him again), move slow, be the fun self he fell in love with in the first place, expect the worst, pray for the best.

 

Good luck =)

[annie24]

you know what hun - i think there's a better guy out there for you. things with this guy sound dead and over. and that's ok. that's happened to me too. i bet if you think about it really hard, you'll see he wasn't all that great. he had his flaws. i'd work on improving yourself, slimming down, whatever it takes for you to be confident, and i bet you'll meet an even better guy soon enough!

[loulee]

The best thing you can do is work on yourself and your own happiness. look good feel good and live well..get yourself happy...happy people, confident and self assured draw people like a magnet...Indifference to him and his life is where you need to be..if fate intervenes and the chance arise for a reconciliation it will be because you have turned yourself into this happy confident new girl and are projecting it to others..but it has to be real not pretentious thats the part that you control, so any thoughts of him will certianly hinder your future chances this needs to be just about you for the time being..

[nimisaj]

You shouldn't feel desperate... you're still young and in uni so you have the opportunity to meet lots of guys your age... don't let one guy that seems extraordinary and very attractive sidetrack you from other guys.

 

There might be guys offering you attention and you may be ignorant of their efforts... maybe not, but in either case, you could be missing out on fun just because of your unhealthy obsession. And as much I'd rather not say it, it is what it is. An unhealthy obsession with a guy that is already in a relationship.