hockeyboy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Listen to yourself.... I now am overanalyzing things she is doing and I'm having these wacky trust issues. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Is it better these days to be unstable? Yes......and a loser... Link to comment
happyfrank Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 yeah.. its terrible. biggest insult ever.. why didnt she just insult his penis too? kick him while he's down. once i offended a man by saying he dressed well. too far? too far? lets also not jump to conclusions on what culture they are from. different cultures have pretty big social differences. I rather be loved for me. Link to comment
EQD Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I rather be loved for me. a guy once said i was everything he wanted in a woman but could never find... i was devestated that he should say such a thing. *sarcasm* Link to comment
smiles21 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 Is it better these days to be unstable? I dont know, maybe? Young ladies.. I have a nice house, yard/car would you care to come over? No it is not a big age gap. Where are these sudden insecurities coming from? No idea, I get them once in awhile. She is very attractive, and gets a LOT of attention. I need to focus on fixing me I think. Been working on that Alpha male thing. Link to comment
hers Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I dont know, maybe? Young ladies.. I have a nice house, yard/car would you care to come over? No idea, I get them once in awhile. She is very attractive, and gets a LOT of attention. I need to focus on fixing me I think. Been working on that Alpha male thing. After dating an alcoholic, a pathological liar, a guy with bipolar disorder, and an egomaniac, I'd be thrilled at this point for a guy who is laid back and stable. Just sayin. I think you shoudl stop worrying. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 No, it is not so much a gap..but her choice of words are interesting given her history: Been with me 2 years. Others were like a year and a half, and a 3 year one like 6-7 years ago. All of this at 21 years old..she certainly started going around the block many times at a very young age. Now, all her ex's were laborers, and construction types. Now presumably she was in high school during all of these other relationships..so how much older were these guys that they were laborers and construction types? I would also be concerned by her choice of words: "she said I was the "safe choice". When someone says it that way it makes it sound like they are settling for something they know is good for them but they are less than keen. Had she said "wow, you are so much better and more grounded than my previous partners..and I really love that about you" it would have shown more love and appreciation..but saying that you are the "safe choice" makes it sound like settling. Link to comment
metrogirl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I dont know, maybe? Young ladies.. I have a nice house, yard/car would you care to come over? No idea, I get them once in awhile. She is very attractive, and gets a LOT of attention. I need to focus on fixing me I think. Been working on that Alpha male thing. So...all if this because she's hot? Link to comment
testcase Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Wow that is what I was going to say but I didn't know how to word it. I don't know why people think it is fine to call someone a safe choice? I would definitely take offense to this also and it would raise questions with me. Link to comment
smiles21 Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 After dating an alcoholic, a pathological liar, a guy with bipolar disorder, and an egomaniac, I'd be thrilled at this point for a guy who is laid back and stable. Just sayin. I think you shoudl stop worrying. Your sweet, and im sorry for what you have went through. No, it is not so much a gap..but her choice of words are interesting given her history: All of this at 21 years old..she certainly started going around the block many times at a very young age. (I also was in serious relationships at 16, so I cant say much) Now presumably she was in high school during all of these other relationships..so how much older were these guys that they were laborers and construction types? (Correct, they were her age, maybe 1-2 years older) I would also be concerned by her choice of words: "she said I was the "safe choice". When someone says it that way it makes it sound like they are settling for something they know is good for them but they are less than keen. Had she said "wow, you are so much better and more grounded than my previous partners..and I really love that about you" it would have shown more love and appreciation..but saying that you are the "safe choice" makes it sound like settling.( I agree, can you reccomend how you would approach this?) So...all if this because she's hot? No, but it certainly doesn't help when your girl is stared at all the time. She is a part time model, that puts her pics on her myspace. (Not to keen on that, but whatever, she is with me right?) Link to comment
EQD Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 sounds like your relationship is already on the slippery slope downhill towards 'toxic relationship land' Link to comment
metrogirl Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Your sweet, and im sorry for what you have went through. No, but it certainly doesn't help when your girl is stared at all the time. She is a part time model, that puts her pics on her myspace. (Not to keen on that, but whatever, she is with me right?)[/QUOTE] Not if you keep acting like this. Link to comment
DN Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I think the fact that different people have very different opinions as to what she meant is the very reason why you should ask her. I too would be wondering what she meant because I don't see it as particularly complimentary either. It is not whiny to ask - it might be if you don't do it properly. Link to comment
Tethys Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I would drop her. Sorry to say this. She is only with you because you are "stable"? She is a mere 21! She will drop you for the next hot guy who appears to be stable. I am female and I would be offended if the guy told me he is with me only because I am "stable." I want him to be with me because he wants to be with ME. Link to comment
DN Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Well the problem is that it is capable of different interpretations. "Safe' could also mean that "I know you are a loving, trustworthy person who won't break my heart." It could mean "I love you and know you love me and that makes me feel safe in choosing you" It could mean "I am settling because you present a low-risk" Or something entirely different. Only she will know what she meant. Link to comment
Tethys Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 DN, in this case, I see "safe" as a negative. Doesn't sound right. Link to comment
DN Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 DN, in this case, I see "safe" as a negative. Doesn't sound right.So do I - but we could be wrong. Link to comment
Tethys Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I hope we are wrong, but it doesn't sound good. Link to comment
JenniferSNJ Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I don't think the word "safe" is a compliment, honestly. I would never say that to my bf. I agree that you aren't a "loser" and any girl would love to date a guy in your position. You sound like you have your life together and that's a total turn on. However, I have no idea what your gf meant by that. To me, it sounds like she's implying that she can stay with you because you're safe and predictable and secure, but not necessarily because you're awesome and passionate and she really wants to be with you. Ever hear the term, yeah that's my "safe" school? When people are applying to college, etc.? That's what it reminds me of. Just my opinion though. I could be completely wrong. I hope this works out for you because I can only imagine how stressful you find this. Link to comment
Dancergirl425 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I think it's a compliment. That she feels safe knowing you won't run out on her unexpectedly one day. However, if you want to make yourself less predictable maybe plan a surprise date for her or do something really romantic and show that your not always the same. Link to comment
perplunk Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Frankly I find the women here saying he has nothing to be worried about to come off as far too entitled. A "safe choice" isn't "I love the way you make me feel". And coming from a 21yo that's still in school? I'd find it hard to find that complimentary at all. This idea that any girl wants to be with a stable guy is also a load of B.S. You don't have to look far to see lots of people in unhealthy relationships with unstable people. There are lots of people with lots of insecurities that can hold them back from seeing their own self-worth. As for his insecurities... I love the double standard here. Men aren't allowed to have any, but women are allowed to be insecure even when encased in a protective cocoon from unicorn fairy tale land. Heaven forbid you answer the "does this dress make my butt look big" in any way that doesn't make her a goddess. If she had half a brain I'd expect her to understand that her modeling and her being constantly hit on doesn't always leave me feeling secure that she is around because she loves me. Rather I'm the "safe choice" while she finishes school, plays in pretty clothes, and enjoys the attention of every straight male out there. So I stick by my original advice, confront her about it head-on. I know I'd be wondering what the hell that means. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Tbh, I don't think we had enough context of the conversation, or what was going on in the gf's head when she used the dreaded S word. To me, I read it as a compliment. But then, I've dated some trash. Safe is underrated. (QOML -"Perhaps the price of comfort is that life passes more rapidly. But for anyone who has lived in uneasiness, even for a short, memorable duration, it's a trade-off that will gladly be made." -The *&%^ Up.) Been working on that Alpha male thing. I hope you mean that, and aren't using "Alpha" as shorthand for "git". Seriously, you need to ask her about it. Only she knows what she means. All you'll get here are a load of people who don't know either of you or your situation guessing. You don't have to look far to see lots of people in unhealthy relationships with unstable people. There are lots of people with lots of insecurities that can hold them back from seeing their own self-worth. So because she's young she has to keep falling in the same hole? Also, perplunk, I don't know what message board you read but I see plenty of female posters being told to get over themselves. Link to comment
Clarity Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 I would take this as a negative - not only for the word "safe", but the word "choice" troubles me more. It makes it sounds as if she has a bunch of equally viable options, but chooses you. If you're in love with someone, it's not a difficult decision to be with that person over someone else; it doesn't come down to a choice. I don't think anyone would be thrilled to hear those words from their SO - male or female. Link to comment
Circe Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 You said yourself that she didn't mean "safe choice" in a bad way. If anything its a compliment which reflects all you have achieved and built for yourself. She's not an idiot so she can't help but assess these things. Love is one thing but all these obvious pros and cons to a particular person you have feelings for are bound to pass your mind at one stage or another. She just made the mistake of speaking out loud when such a thought passed by. [And that's even IF she meant it in a purely financial stability way - as you have interpreted] Link to comment
Circe Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 Well the problem is that it is capable of different interpretations. "Safe' could also mean that "I know you are a loving, trustworthy person who won't break my heart." It could mean "I love you and know you love me and that makes me feel safe in choosing you" I initially thought my husband was a "safe choice" for the above reasons. I hope it goes without saying I've never loved anyone so much in my life or thought I could love anyone so much in my life. To me safe choice is NOT a bad thing. Definitely don't assume anything negative from those words. (These days I think nothing is safe - you have to watch over and protect the things you love with your life and enjoy every second of time with them) Link to comment
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