THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Streetbob]

it's a roller coaster!!

 

Be careful with illogical thoughts during and after sleep. I still get them now and they seem so real....but in reality I have no evidence for any of the thoughts.

[rockmyboat]

day 5

well apparently it's your "bestfriend's" birthday. snuck a peak on his fb wall to see what you said. pretty "tame". not gonna speculate on it. but i do feel like i cheated on this NC thing. should i start over again?

[HopefulNessie]

Broke NC after 57 days because I found out that he was in te emergency room with a broken arm and that's he's going to have to have surgery

I just wrote him a simple message on FB telling him good luck with surgery and I hope he feels better soon. He liked it.

 

Do I regret it? No. I'm human. I'd rather honestly wish him a good recovery than keep up my NC challenge.

[trishlove]

Day 2

 

My time with the new guy is going well. To be honest, he has a lot of things that my ex lacked. I don't know much about him yet, and I'm well aware of the honeymoon phase. I'm just planning on enjoying the moment without thinking about the future of it. The new guy hasn't mentioned any future plans as well. Maybe we're both in the same boat.

 

One thing's for sure, he's a very good distraction. I've almost completely forgotten my ex.

[tallydoo]

Day 22

 

I'm having a rough day with NC today (I started it before finding this thread, and until now it had been been going really well!) It's been almost a week since I talked to him--I had to, we were both in a wedding party and, unbeknownst to both of us, ended up sitting together at the rehearsal dinner (I tried to keep the conversation short and light, and focused more on the other people at the table than on him). But today I started journaling, thinking it might be better to get my thoughts down on paper to see through them, and writing through the break-up from three months ago made me really, really want to call him/meet up with him and talk more about it. He broke up with me out of the blue and saying that he just didn't think he was as in love with me as he should be, and he started getting really worried when he wasn't with me that we weren't going to work out, and then he just didn't want to do it anymore. Then he started dating another girl who's been hanging around him since before we were dating and waiting for him 3 weeks after we broke up. He started trying to push friendship on me--pulling me into private conversations at parties and checking up on me, etc--and I just ended up resenting him, so I started NC; we haven't talked since, with the exception of wedding-related things. But AGH, I just want some closure. And I do want a second chance with him, not right now or in the near future, but someday.

[discouraged]

Day 3

 

Today was very productive. Picked up a 3rd person for my business venture, now i just gotta buy my plane tickets for boston and chicago. However, the times i thought about my ex, tons of anger and sadness rushed through me. why was i getting angry thinking about my ex? because i started to realize just how much of a hypocrite she was. She didn't have the drive and determination to find a successful job, she was jumping from job to job trying to find something she liked. her current "success" is an illusion that she believes because she didn't earn it, she just got super lucky. it can be taken away if she messes up once, and it'll be downhill from there. A part of me wishes it so she can be taken off of her high horse and realize her flaws, hopefully. After her current "success" she has no plans for the future. so what the eff? she said i had an idea of what i wanted to be, but didn't know how to get there. she herself is in the same damn boat... she has an idea of opening up a factory for shoes in the future, but has no idea on how to do it... I DONT GET IT!!!

 

Ive had lots of anger today, sorry to rant...

[martyfarty]

day 24

 

i've been drinking more then normal lately. i guess its my way of healing ( use to bartend at a night club ). I'm not talking to any females, nor am i looking. i've been using my time to focus on my business and my future. I guess I can say the cliche sentence: " i'm just doing me "

 

I refuse to find a rebound. My goal is to face my fears and end up better.

[Streetbob]

day 24

 

i've been drinking more then normal lately. i guess its my way of healing ( use to bartend at a night club ). I'm not talking to any females, nor am i looking. i've been using my time to focus on my business and my future. I guess I can say the cliche sentence: " i'm just doing me "

 

I refuse to find a rebound. My goal is to face my fears and end up better.

 

Marty:

 

Why are you not talking or dating females?

I took the opposite approach and dated quite a few girls. I found it a big help and for the first time in my life I've developed some real friendships with girls. No plans to dive into relationships and I'm completely honest and up front about my situation. Find women way more supportive than my male friends.

 

SB

[ClarityCoast]

Day 46

 

This sucks.

I thought by now I'd feel indifference.

Instead, all the anger that was protecting me is gone...and now I just miss him.

[trishlove]

Day 3 (2 months after BU)

 

I don't feel bad at all. The new guy is a very good distraction. Honestly, I'm beginning NOT to see him as a distraction. I really like him, and I hope he likes me the same way. The whole day it was him I was thinking of, not my ex.

 

I didn't experience a single urge to text my ex, but I'll keep posting in this thread til I reach day 30. I'm almost on my way to indifference, and I'm spending more energy on the new guy. I genuinely like him.

[ClarityCoast]

...and we have contact....

 

After 46 days, just a few hours from my last post...I get a facebook message that says "Very beautiful"...no doubt a comment made about my new profile picture, a landscape of a park setting.

 

While I was thrilled to hear from him...now that I've been missing him...

 

Its certainly a breadcrumb. Sigh.

 

I just wrote back "What?"...and I wouldn't be surprised if he never responded...in an effort to screw with my mind! Well...I'd have to LET him do that and the 46 days of healing wont allow it

 

In short...keep your dignity...let THEM come to YOU.

[martyfarty]

Marty:

 

Why are you not talking or dating females?

I took the opposite approach and dated quite a few girls. I found it a big help and for the first time in my life I've developed some real friendships with girls. No plans to dive into relationships and I'm completely honest and up front about my situation. Find women way more supportive than my male friends.

 

SB

 

oh, i have a lot of homegirls. They tell me that crap all the time. dating and seeing people makes me feel sick to my stomach still. It feels that i'm lying for some reason. I can't give the 'date' my full attention. I guess i'm the type that hides in a hole until i'm ready to do something.

[patterned]

day 24

 

i've been drinking more then normal lately. i guess its my way of healing

I refuse to find a rebound. My goal is to face my fears and end up better.

 

I'm not sure if you see the irony in this or not.

[patterned]

So I've done it again!

 

After all the progress of the last 3 months NC (1 slip up)

 

I read a thread on here about speaking to the ex, and I was swayed to test the water.

Sent her a mail saying that I was ok and hoped she was too - she replied and now I feel like * * * * * again - back to square 1.

 

I thought I was stronger than this!

 

I just wish I could get her out of my mind. I've followed all of the advice: Did NC, hit the gym, got out and about more, met new people but still not through it.

 

Will somebody say something positive to me....I really need to hear something right now!

 

What an idiot I am!

 

You've done 90 days NC. Congratulations. I'd stop the challenge. Stop focusing on it. Get on with your life.

[martyfarty]

I'm not sure if you see the irony in this or not.

 

yeh, we're human. wish i was perfect.

[rockmyboat]

about to break NC after 6 days in. my ex texted, context is a little private (concerning a dead relative). but long story short, i broke up with her, she NC'd, i chased got rejected, i NC'd, she texted. anyway, need a tip to keep it short and sweet? i'm worried it would make me relapse, but i'm not completely heartless.

[rockmyboat]

still haven't replied...don't know what to say. here's what she said, "hi! i'm missing my (relative) and there's no one else i can talk to about it

i can't help but feel like i'm just an emotional buffer for her, but then again, i'm not a tool who just dismisses other people's feelings..i dunno...

[rockmyboat]

day 1

so i texted her. i feel good. no negative feelings at all. will continue NC again.

[Streetbob]

...and we have contact....

 

After 46 days, just a few hours from my last post...I get a facebook message that says "Very beautiful"...no doubt a comment made about my new profile picture, a landscape of a park setting.

 

While I was thrilled to hear from him...now that I've been missing him...

 

Its certainly a breadcrumb. Sigh.

 

I just wrote back "What?"...and I wouldn't be surprised if he never responded...in an effort to screw with my mind! Well...I'd have to LET him do that and the 46 days of healing wont allow it

 

In short...keep your dignity...let THEM come to YOU.

 

Great news! Well done!

 

I've been thinking quite a bit about what goes through the mind of the dumper....what makes them randomly contact out of the blue.

Or what does it say about a dumper that after quite a few years together, "doesn't" instigate contact

 

Anyways, hope all works out

 

SB

[ClarityCoast]

Thanks Streetbob...

 

So far, the banter has been friendly...like we just picked up were we left off (in better times).

 

And I feel comfortable with that. However, I've thought about a few boundaries that I'll need to keep, should this go forward.

 

Including: No "visits" until we SUSTAIN healthy communication for several weeks.

 

This was my biggest mistake in the past. Contact is made...and we rush right back into the same vortex as before.

Not this time.

If we can go 46 days and return...he can endure a few weeks of email before I agree to a visit.

 

Time will tell.

[trishlove]

checking in for DAY 4.

 

Nothing much to do. My new guy is out of town.

[Blondie176]

Can i join in?

 

I am already 8 days in NC and today i have felt sad and down most of the day. I feel strongly that i wont contact him and i feel equally strong that he wont contact me ( he is with another woman) but 8 days in i dont really feel like i have made much progress. I must have though because day 1-2-3 i was listening to people talking but i wasnt hearing, i was seeing things around me but i wasnt watching, eating but not tasting and so on.. i dont feel like the zombie i was then. Maybe i shouldnt judge my progress day by day? xxx

[discouraged]

Day 7, i broke it just right now.

 

I messaged her on Facebook and said

 

"Im sorry for the way I acted during the break up. I should not have tried to convince you otherwise if you felt it was the best thing to do. I now know there are many things I need to take care of at the moment, so I agree with you that it was for the best for both of us. I wish things would have been different, but I know that will never happen as I am currently. I’m sure you have some hostility towards me after the split, so I will respect that and give you ample amount of space.

 

You’ve always been the exception to every rule I’ve ever followed, and it still is true. I know I’ve told you that once I break up with someone, that’s it, but you’re different. I will always care for you and if you ever need anything from me, please don’t hesitate to reach me. Maybe one day down the line, after we’ve both grown, we could catch up. However, until that day comes, I will be focusing on my self-improvement to become a man and not the boy I’ve been in recent years.

 

You’re an amazing girlfriend and woman; I was a fool to lose you. I know you’ll find an amazing guy that can meet all of your expectations and provide for you in the way that I couldn’t. I wish you luck and true happiness.

 

-(My name)

 

 

I messaged her because it was eating me up inside. Im not expecting a response ever, but i felt that i needed to message her. I feel 10 times better, like weight has been lifted off my shoulders. if somehow, she unfriends me, so be it. I feel like it was part of my closure because i believe, that if you truly love someone, you must let them know how you feel and fight for them to the best of your abilities.

 

Im glad i messaged her, i think i can finally start letting go

[tothecoast]

well, it's been 30 days NC, and 36 days since the breakup. seems like i literally feel worse and worse every day. i think this is normal...at a certain point, i'll start to feel better again, i guess. but right now every moment feels like torture. i know i've been in this much pain in past breakups, but that knowledge is barely a comfort to me. i miss her and our relationship so much that i physically feel it in my chest. typical heartbreak crap, and i'm in the worst of it.

 

still have her stuff. want to return it but afraid that a) she'll contact me or b) it'll really be over for good. she has a TON of my stuff, too. somehow it makes me hopeful that this means it isn't over for good, though of course i know that's a load of crap. i told her we could talk after 2 months, and it's been 1 month so far. i'm starting to wonder what will happen next month...we'll see.

[Nolia]

Hey Everyone,

 

I have read every page of this entire thread and after seeing how many people are truly struggling to get over their ex I felt I should throw in my 2 cents on my situation and how I have been able to succeed using NO-Contact.

 

I am not an expert on break-ups by any means but I can honestly say that I know exactly all the feelings and thoughts that each of you have gone through during your breakup and I want to give you guys some Do's and Dont's that have worked for me.

 

My 10 Keys to getting over your Ex!

 

10. Take everything that reminds you of your EX in anyway and remove it from your life. Put it in a box and store it in the garage somewhere until you have healed, then and only then you can look back. Some people say to burn anything that reminds you of your EX. I think it's better to just store it in the garage because in time when you've moved on you will want to cherish the good times and the memories you had and shared with that person.

 

9. DO NOT sit at home and sleep. Trust me, this is one of the worst things you can do. I know it's hard because minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days. All you are doing is delaying your healing process by doing this. The first 2 Weeks of my Break-Up all I did was sleep. It was 2 weeks that I wasted where I could have been improving. I lost 15 lbs from not eating. Although sleeping might seem like a good idea because it gets you through the day and keeps your mind off your EX it does you no good. The only way to get through this is to take it HEAD ON! If you just try to put a band-aid on it by sleeping you will not heal. Your mind needs to go through all the emotions that comes with your heart being broken. Eventually your heart will heal and you will move on with your life.

 

8. DO NOT try to CONTROL/ANALYZE things that you have no control over. For example, STOP wondering and asking yourself "Does he/she miss me"? "Is he/she thinking about me"? "Does he/she still love me"? "I wonder what he/she is doing right now"? I wonder if he/she has met someone else"? None of this will help you heal. All you are doing is driving yourself insane by constantly trying to analyze things that you have absolutely no say or control in. Focus on yourself and things that you can control.

 

7. GO OUT! SOCIALIZE! Hang out with your friends/family. Company is a great way to help you heal. Socializing with friends is a great way to get through those first couple weeks of no contact. Think of it this way, your ex isn't sitting around in his/her room crying and feeling bad thinking about what your doing so you need to not do that. It's crazy how GOD works. Believe in his plan that he has for you and live your life for you and don't not live your life because of someone else. One thing that was extremely successful for me was hanging out with the opposite sex as friends. For whatever reason this gave me confidence and helped me heal.

 

6. TRY SOMETHING NEW! I can't tell you how much this step really helped me. I added a few new hobbies to my life and this really boosted my self esteem and brought new excitement into my life. I started going out to new restaurants with friends that I have been wanting to check out. I joined a young adult group down at my church where I met a ton of great new people that I have become friends with. I joined a Men's Rec Basketball League every Thursday Night. This really helped me because when your playing a sport it really keeps your mind off of things because you have to concentrate on the game as opposed to just running at the gym where your mind can wander. Bottom Line is incorporate some new things in your life that weren't there when you were with your ex, it will bring intrigue and excitement into your life.

 

5. READ the book "Taming Your Gremlin" by Rick Carson. This book is all about being able to control the "Gremlin" inside your head that is constantly trying to ruin your day by putting negative thoughts in your head about your current situation. This worked wonders for me, everytime your Gremlin starts making you think of your ex you simply tell yourself to think about something else through techniques outlined in the book. It's amazing how it goes away. Each day the Gremlin enters the picture less and less until you have the situation completely in your control.

 

4. DO NOT expect Reconciliation. Holding out Hope will never ever let you move on... TRUST ME on this! I held out hope for way to long and only when I stopped holding onto hope did I begin to heal. Once you accept that getting back with your ex at this current time in your life is not an option you will immediately make tremendous progress. Why do you want to be with someone who dosen't want you? Your better than that and you know it. At the end of the day, you gave it your best shot, you have no regrets about the time you spent together and it's their loss. If you gave it your all and they still don't want you then it's their loss and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing you can do to change their mind. If it's meant to be then it will happen, if it's not then it won't. If they are dumb enough to walk away you have to be smart enough to let them go!

 

3. EXERCISE - This is a Two Pronged Attack. Any type of exercise will help you out tremendously. Exercise decreases the stress hormones and increases endorphins. Endorphins are the body’s natural feel good chemicals, and when they are released through exercise, your mood is boosted naturally. The Second thing exercise will do for you is improve your physique which will naturally increase your confidence and help you feel good about yourself and will make you attractive to new potential flames.

 

2. DO NOT Look at His/Her FACEBOOK. I cannot stress this enough, looking at his/her facebook is like jumping into a pool of lava. DO NOT DO IT. Do whatever you have to do to not look at this. Please! I promise you if can stay strong and get accustomed to not checking it it will do wonders for your recovery. You are absolutely destroying yourself if you look at it. TRUST ME!

 

1. DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX. Of course this is #1. I'm telling you as hard as this Challenge may seem, it really is the solution to a broken heart. I went a month of begging/pleading/chasing my EX and all it did was push her away. The only way you will heal from this breakup is initiating NO CONTACT. Alot of you on here start the NO CONTACT challenge as a way to get your ex back just like I did. But let me tell you, this can not be your approach. I promise it will not work if you go into it as a way to get your ex back. NC is for you and you only. Once you accept the challenge of NC as a way to heal and get over him/her then and only then will you begin to see results. Sitting there each and every day hoping that he/she emails or texts or calls is not going to help you move on. If you initiate NC for you and only you time will heal you. I PROMISE! You will become numb to the thought of your ex and what he/she is up to. At some point your ex will contact you! I promise it will happen and if you accept the challenge the right way and do it for you you will know exactly what to say/do when they do contact you. There isn't a timetable as to how long it takes to heal using NC, it's different for each person. For me Day 35 was the day that I had the breakthrough moment and realized that I needed to do NC for me and not to try and get her back. Once you accept that it's over and your moving on you will heal quickly. STAY STRONG! YOU CAN DO IT!

 

If anyone wants to PM me or chat I am here for all of you. I know how painful this process is and will do my best to help anyone who needs advice.

 

Thanks!