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tothecoast

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Everything posted by tothecoast

  1. well, it's been 30 days NC, and 36 days since the breakup. seems like i literally feel worse and worse every day. i think this is normal...at a certain point, i'll start to feel better again, i guess. but right now every moment feels like torture. i know i've been in this much pain in past breakups, but that knowledge is barely a comfort to me. i miss her and our relationship so much that i physically feel it in my chest. typical heartbreak crap, and i'm in the worst of it. still have her stuff. want to return it but afraid that a) she'll contact me or b) it'll really be over for good. she has a TON of my stuff, too. somehow it makes me hopeful that this means it isn't over for good, though of course i know that's a load of crap. i told her we could talk after 2 months, and it's been 1 month so far. i'm starting to wonder what will happen next month...we'll see.
  2. 31 days since BU, 25 days NC. It's been exactly a month since we broke up. Feeling some relief after the weekend from hell a week ago, when it was her birthday...but still feeling pretty terrible and knowing I have a long road ahead of me. F-buddy keeps flaking, so I decided I'm over it...even though I don't have a meaningful relationship with her, I'm just not in a good place to feel rejected by anyone, even if it's by a flakey hookup who I only contact every few years. Sometimes I think about her - a happy moment from our recent past, or wondering what she's doing now - and the pain feels like a sharp knife under my ribs. That's gonna keep happening for a long time, but the good news is that I know from past breakups that it won't happen forever. Just have to get through now, and let time do its job...
  3. Do you have ANY idea how lucky you were?! You were so lucky!!! You had it so good!!! You're the one who told me I'm the best lover you've ever had...told me I make you feel like no one else has ever made you feel...told me you loved me like you've never loved anybody, and I loved you like you'd never been loved. Don't you realized how good you had it?! I'm a CATCH. When I met you, I had already gone through my crazy relationship - you know, the one where you act totally f***ed up and learn from your mistakes? I already went through that. When I met you, I was healthy. Stable. Centered. I was ready to be a good partner to someone, and you got lucky. I'm the guy everyone wishes for. I'm warm, kind, open, smart, funny, sexy. All of your friends and family swoon over me, always. I've never smothered you or made you feel suffocated, because I have a busy, active, independent life. I go to counseling, handle my s*** on my own, communicate openly and compassionately, and take care of my business. I was always there for you, ALWAYS. You trusted me, leaned on me, cried on my shoulder SO F***ING MUCH. And I listened and made you feel safe. Always. I was an amazing partner, and you told me that all the time - even as we were breaking up. What you don't know, because you've never had a serious partner, is how rare that is. You have no idea how much of the dating pool is unhealthy, selfish, un-self-aware idiots. You have no idea how long it is going to take you to find someone else like me. You have no idea how much you are going to miss me. You have no idea how much you gave up when you let me go. I know you're going to regret this - maybe you already do - and the sad part is, by the time you come to that realization, it will be too late.
  4. Day 29 since BU, Day 23 NC. * * * * sucks but at least I haven't cried for a few days. Been flirting with a new crush, and definitely have no interest in dating her, but it's nice to be noticed. Found out that my ex is out of town this weekend and I feel really relieved knowing I won't run into her...wish she would just stay there! Not much else to report...still feel awful but at least I don't feel like I'm at rock bottom at the moment, and I guess that's the best I can hope for.
  5. 25 days since BU, 20 days NC. Felt awful today, but at least a tiny bit better than yesterday...so I guess that's all I can hope for. Starting to worry about what will happen to our many mutual friendships, as I'm realizing that any contact with someone who's in contact with her sends me reeling. Am I crazy? Weak? Is this normal? I feel so stupid for being unable to deal...but literally, spending any time with people who are also spending time with her sets me back so bad...
  6. my good friend broke up with her boyfriend a few years ago, and he went totally nuts - freaking out, drama, begging, the whole deal. then he went strict NC for like 2 years straight...until they ran into each other at a bar. they have been happily back together ever since.
  7. 25 days since BU, 19 days NC. This weekend was the worst I've had yet. I'm a mess these days. Feel like the road ahead is so long and hard. F-buddy cancelled on me, so that was an added blow to my ego. I just feel like crap. I don't dare to hope that it will get easier soon...but I do hope that some good things will come along in my life to counterbalance this incredible pain, because I feel like I'm crumbling. Dreading next weekend already.
  8. wow, transmit, i'm jealous of you. i feel like summer is lovers' season, and i suddenly don't have one. you're 12 days ahead of me...share some wisdom?
  9. Day 23 since BU, Day 17 NC. Well, things continue to * * * * ing suck. This is her birthday weekend and I know she and all our mutual friends will be partying all weekend, having a great time without me...feel like I'm going through hell. Woke up this morning and, even though I tried to stop, I found myself reliving our first kiss, and then our first date, in my head. It was so ridiculously painful, and all my own fault...why do we torture ourselves in our heads like that?? Have a date tonight with someone I always sleep with between relationships. It's good...no feelings, no attachment, no complications...just two sexually compatible people having fun. Have to say I'm not feeling very up to it right now, but hoping that will change after I get moving, go to the gym, etc.
  10. day 21 since BU, day 15 NC. i continue to feel terrible. think about her and our breakup constantly. feel like i'm barely getting by every day. her birthday is coming up, and that has me thinking about her even more. talked to a mutual friend, who said my ex is really depressed. sigh. this whole thing sucks. i'm hoping it won't get any worse than this. just keep reminding myself to put one foot in front of the other...
  11. Day 20 since BU, Day 14 NC. I must be in the worst of it - or at least I hope I am, because I can't imagine it getting any worse than this. It seems like the first week or two was way easier, probably because the truth hadn't sunk in yet. Now it's become real, and I feel totally destroyed. I get hit with waves of sadness more and more frequently. Mornings are awful. Work is the only relief - luckily, I love my job and it's very active/involved so it's the only time that I don't think of her. Wish I could work all the time, because it's when I leave work that the pain sets in. Today I keep torturing myself by imagining her with someone else. How long will it be until she gets involved with a new person? How will I find out? How much will it hurt? This is especially painful to me because we broke up very lovingly, and somewhat mutually, because she has mental health issues and was convinced that she was unable to be in a relationship. Throughout our breakup, she maintained that she hated herself for walking away from someone like me, and that if she could be in a relationship with anyone, it would be with me. When we went NC, I told her that one of the reasons it was necessary was that she might start dating someone else. She laughed (kind of darkly) and seemed to think it was very funny that I even thought that was possible...she said there was no way that was gonna happen. But - on this board, we all know better than this. Sooner or later, EVERYONE dates again - even people who say/believe that they can't be in relationships. They meet someone, they change their mind, and they decide to give it a try. When will that happen with her? Is it already happening? Thinking about it absolutely tortures me...I can't imagine the pain I'll be in if/when I find out.
  12. Day 12 NC, Day 18 since BU. Went out of town for a much-needed vacation with friends. It was good, but I came back and reality smacked me in the face...some days I feel like I'm back at Day 1. Just got an invite for a mutual friend's birthday party (as I think I've noted here, we unfortunately have a TON of the same friends), and feeling really sad because I know I can't go - she'll almost certainly be there. Just feels so unfair to be constantly missing out on social events that I want to go to, because I know she'll be there. Also feeling conflicted about her stuff. I have a bunch of her stuff that I was planning on giving back through a mutual friend, but now I'm not sure. Given the circumstances of our NC (she didn't want NC, and begged me not to do it), I'm afraid she'll take this opportunity to send me an email - something along the lines of, "I know you don't want to hear from me, but I just wanted to say hi, and thank you for sending my stuff over. I want you to know that I love you so much, and miss you in my life..." etc etc etc. I know her SO well, and I can almost guarantee that she would send that exact email. I'm sure she would mean well by it, because in her eyes, this breakup was a mutually painful, mutually devastating event. But no matter how well she means, I know that hearing from her would just totally mess me up, and it would set me back so bad. Not hearing from her is the only thread I'm hanging onto right now. So I think I'm going to throw her stuff in a box in my closet and give it a couple months...it's nothing urgent (mostly clothes), and I'd rather be a jerk and hold onto her stuff than risk her breaking the NC that's keeping me sane.
  13. day 6 NC, day 12 since BU. today started out good but then got even worse than day 5. i feel so angry today. this is probably a good emotion for me to feel in the long run, but right now it sucks. i'm angry that she took me and my support for granted - angry that she gave up on us, and let something so good go - angry that our friends who are having issues are still together, but because she's a commitment-phobe and is afraid of intimacy and thinks she can only be alone, she threw in the towel. my friends all think i deserve better - someone without mental health problems, someone without deep family issues - and i know they're right. i'm a pretty healthy, happy person and i've done a lot of work on myself...i deserve someone who's on my level! but what sucks is, i'm in love with her. and that's not gonna fade for a long time...
  14. day 5 NC, day 11 since BU. today was one of the worst yet. i think i'm in the stage where it gets worse before it gets better...every day seems to hurt more than the day before. i guess it's sinking in that we're over. everyone keeps reminding me that she is not (mentally) well, that i did everything i could, that she needs professional help, that this wasn't about me. but that doesn't help, because i know SOMEDAY she'll date someone again, and when that day comes, i'll wonder, why couldn't it have been me?
  15. Day 4 NC, Day 10 since BU. Was feeling okay today until I saw a mutual friend mention her name on Facebook. Totally innocent and meaningless (literally just mentioned her name in passing), but even that just sent me reeling. It was like a huge epiphany: oh yeah, it's not just my life that is going on without her, now that I'm doing NC...her life is going on without me too. Sent a wave of pain over me...now I'm trying to recover. This stuff is so hard.
  16. Day 3 NC (day 9 since breakup) - woke up feeling sad, as is my pattern. Mornings seem to be the worst - every morning, I wake up and remember that we're not together anymore, and it's like a fresh wound for the first half hour of my day. Wonder when that will stop happening. Hate that I still have so much of her stuff at my house. I'm going to give it back through a mutual friend, but I'm afraid she'll try to contact me to thank me, and that will mess me up. Mutual friend says the ex is a mess, and told her that she's never cried so much in her life. That makes me sad, and also confirms for me that this breakup sucks for both of us, and also gives me hope, probably stupid, that maybe someday when she's healthier we'll get back together. I know from past breakups that she probably will come around at some point - they always do - but by then, I'll have finally, painfully moved on, and won't be able to go back. That thought feels so tragic.
  17. adding myself to the NC challenge...i've been reading along for awhile but not posting, but today i decided i just really need the support. i'm on day 8 since the breakup, day 2 of NC. my ex and i broke up because she is going through some intense personal struggles and decided that she can't take care of someone else's needs right now, and has to be alone in order to take care of herself. i think she's right, so it's somewhat mutual, but i'm still totally broken-hearted and in love with her and hoping that someday, when she's in a better place, we'll be able to try again. we were together for 2 years and our relationship was honest, loving, fun, connected, and strong, so i think we have a good foundation if we ever try again. but for now, i need to try to take care of myself and move on, so i told her i can't talk to her for 60 days. she was really sad (she had been hoping we could stay close even if we're not together) and told me if i change my mind, she'll be right there. i'm not going to, though...i know from previous breakups that i need this...and i think the space will help her to take care of herself right now, too, which is ultimately better for me if i ever want us to be able to be together again. so here we go...
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