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Blondie176

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  1. Just updating... Its been a couple of weeks since i finished the 30 day challenge so i thought id pop in and give a little update for anyone that might be interested lol A few days ago i reactivated my facebook, i miss my facebook so thought wth.. within seconds he messaged me. Nothing substantial just Hi How are you ect with loads of xxxxx added in..WTH is that all about when you have a gf...anyway my heart did flutter a bit when i saw his message but i found myself rolling my eyes a lot during our fb private convo.. i just dont feel ''It'' what ever it is? He has changed his relationship status to ''In a relationship with -her name-' and it didnt really bother me. Of course i had a look at his wall, a place which was once full of me and him, is now full of her, not so much him though and he still has our pics up, pictures of us all lovey dovey together. I was surprised to see them. Anyway, he has initiated contact with me quite a few times now, i never start up contact with him and we have spoken a fair bit, nothing about us, or his new relationship, i dont want to know about it. Its all a bit odd talking to him now. He is not the same person he was but at moments he very much is the man i loved and its almost like nothing happened. I'm not sure where i go from here, i thought talking to him would be way too painful for me but i am finding quite the opposite, its been nice to speak with him but also nice to know that all his crap is no longer my problem. He still isnt working, which was a huge issue for me and now i dont have to nag lol ..it doesnt affect me anymore whether he lays in bed until midday or not and that is a such a relief for me. Same for his wasting what little money he has in the pub- not my problem. lol Good luck to her with trying to get him motivated! I have no intention of becoming his falll back girl and will limit my communication with him, for now i will leave him on my fb and just carry on carrying on with my life. The way i see it is if it causes me pain to be in contact then its time to get rid, if not then i dont see the harm. I feel a lot more content now, the pain has subsided, the tears no longer come, yeh sure i stil have moments of thinking about what could of been but i also know that in reality he just isnt the one for me. We had lots of fun in our 2 years and i wont ever forget that but we also had a lot of crap and it just wasnt going to work. I have accepted that now. I hope every one here doing the challenge and those who have done it are hanging on in there, know that time will move you on, it wont feel like it right now but it will happen. xxxx
  2. Thanks g3, its been a long 30 days lol... but it goes to show we can live without them, life does go on. xxx Aw thanks China, you too will post your 30 day entry and you will start to heal, 30 days isnt a magic number which takes all the pain away but it does give you enough time to step back and grieve, step back and look at what you want out of your life, a step back to gather some clarity and to make you much more emotionally stable. Hang on in there, we are all behind you 100% xxx
  3. Day 30 So here i am on day 30! I never thought i would get this far in the early days. I liken this challenge to climbing a mountain, a solo climb but with fellow climbers all around you. Some flying past, some struggling, some slow starters but all offering their support along the way. I started out on this challenge and failed miserably, twice! First time i got to day 12, second attempt to day 13, those early attempts were pure hell. I wasnt sleeping, eating, or taking any interest in anyone or anything. All i could think about was him and her. I felt like i was being haunted by them. I cried all the time, i had panic attacks, i couldnt breath, i felt uneasy about my life, my future and my whole world felt like it had collapsed around me. I felt like a part of me had died, my best friend for 2 years had deserted me, threw me to the curb like a piece of rubbish no longer required. Its a lonely feeling and one that i thought i would never ever recover from. Third attempt went a lot more smoothly, i think by then i was reluctantly starting to accept that he wasnt coming back, also questioning myself as to whether i would really want him back..that was a huge step for me. The days have been hard and slow, there have been moments of sadness, moments of despair and moments of needing him so badly but i resisted. I started to re-connect with the world, saying yes to every invite out that came my way. I started to enjoy life again, he was never far from my mind but i was finding i was going short amounts of time not thinking about him. I was starting to move on! I still think about him, i still wonder what he is doing, wonder if he is happy, wonder if he misses me at all? I still have moments of sadness that i lost my best friend and lover, i still believe we had a good thing going..but it just wasnt meant to be. I am accepting that, slowly. I cant say i am at peace with the whole thing yet, i think i need more than 30 days ( 2 months if i include the other 2 NC attempts) but i can say that i am on the road to recovery. My heart no longer feels heavy, i am learning to be alone again, maybe someday i will meet someone new and open my heart once again. But for now its ok that i am alone. I do want to thank everyone on this thread, you guys who post now and the ones who posted before has helped me more than you could know. For those who are in the early days of their journey, please do believe people when they tell you that time heals, it is true! What you feel today will not stay forever, you may not notice when that feeling lessons, but it will, even if by only a tiny bit each day. As each day passes you are moving forward, although it really doesnt feel like that at the time. But one day you will notcie that you slept better or you managed to watch something funny on the tv without him or her invading your mind. You will smile again, i promise. As for me now, i intend to stay in NC, i really dont think there is anything left to say to him. I played all my cards a long time ago and he made his decision to be with her and thats that. I have nothing let for him anymore. Just more time to move on completely. Take care everyone and thank you for the support and kind words... pretty sure i will pop in and out of this forum in the future so see you around. xxxxx
  4. Day 29 Been busy enjoying family and the lovely weather here today, i am very tired so an early night for me tonight. He is still invading my thoughts but i can discard of them more easily now. I am still dreading the day i see him again or hear about things that happen between him and his new gf, moving in together, kids ect but i will deal with that as and when it happens. I know that although hearing that might sting, it wont knock me to the ground in a heap like it would have done 29 days ago. I think i will need more than 30 days to get over him. I am not putting any time limit on my healing, it will take as long as it takes. I dont intend to record the days after tomorrow though because as much as this site has helped me, ( a massive thankyou to members present and past for posting such supportive messages and sharing their journeys xxx) i think it is time to move on. Pretty sure i will pop back to update and hopefully encourage others though. I am sort of enjoying the thought of a new road ahead for me, if i am honest with myself X and i would not have worked out in the long run, i wont go into the whys cause there is no point now. Both of us would need to work on things and i am not sure i could be bothered with the hassle lol I am not at a point where i sincerly wish him well, i obviously dont wish him any harm but wishing him all the best at this point would be false.... hopefully that changes with time. Just so i can be at peace with everything. Anyway i rambled on a bit hehe.. hoping you guys are hanging on in there xxx
  5. Day 27- 28 I am nearly there! I was out last night and can honestly say that he didnt cross my mind at all, when i got home though and was alone and quiet in bed, he crept into my thoughts. I can say though that when i think about him now it doesnt make me burst into tears like before. I still feel sad that we are done. But i can see now that time is my friend in this. I still miss him but i miss the him i knew, the us that we were..not the him he is now..does that make sense? I feel like i dont know him anymore, not even sure what i would say to him now anyway, after a few pleasantries,then what? For anyone on the early days, hang on in there. Let the feelings come, let the tears come, shout, scream, stay quiet, do what you have to do to get through. The anxiety will ease, the feeling lost and alone will ease, the not sleeping, the lack of appetite, the lack of interest in pretty much everything and everyone will ease. You will come through this. xxx
  6. Day 25-26 I got very confused regarding which day it was today LOL I guess thats a good sign! I have nothing new to add really, i am letting go, i am slowly starting to look forward instead of backwards. I am still glancing over my shoulder on occasions at what could have been but i think that will wear off with time. Or maybe i will look back periodically and wonder about him. I hope one day i can do it with peace and sincerely hope he is doing well. Not that i wish he was doing crap right now...well ok maybe a little xxx
  7. That must be hard, working together.. ouch! xxx
  8. Day 24 I cannot believe i have got this far to be honest, the early days were unbearable and i really thought i would cave and call him, message him or something but i havent. Yay! He also hasnt contacted me at all, says it all really doesnt it? We have become strangers in just a short time, gone from being each others everything to nothing. Its such a strange feeling to go from knowing someone inside and out to feeling like you dont know them at all, just someone you knew once. I find that rather sad really. I still wish he would call, but i am not sure why? I guess so i dont feel forgotten, being forgotten sucks balls. lol Anyway onward we go.. tomorrow is another day. xxx
  9. Excellent post Njoy Day 23 Its been glorious weather wise today so i took the dog out for a lovely walk in the countryside. I was alone, with the dog and i felt good. Spoke to a few other dog owners along the way who were also alone. Being alone isnt so bad. As for the ex, i have nothing new to say really, he is still in my mind but its less than before, i am seeing him in a different light now. I think at first i sugar coated all the issues, thinking that i would take him back in a heartbeat, flaws and all. But would i? Actually no i wouldnt! I just want to add for any people reading who are in the early days that even though i am at day 23, this is my third attempt at NC.. all in all its been nearly 8 weeks since the final break down. I just dont want to give false hope to people thinking that 23 days will be a healing point. Its been a long road and it isnt over yet for me. I am fully expecting that 30 days will not be enough for me to heal, but i can guarantee myself and anyone else starting out or already on the NC road that time will move you on and that there is no magic number when it comes to mending a broken heart, everyone takes their own road and travels along it at their own pace. xxx
  10. Aw i would still love to hear from him though, just a hi, hello, how are you? anything....more so i could feel like i was not forgotten, but i have heard nothing, i dont know whats worse really? Hearing nothing or having them keep contacting you? xxx
  11. Day 22 I am almost scared to say it but....i think i am finally letting go. I feel sort of at peace with things.....its a very odd feeling. I am very aware of how my feelings and thoughts can change from one day to the next so i might be here in a few days in tears again haha xxx
  12. Day 21 So this is what the home run feels like. \\ I have been so busy today with work that i havent really had the time to dwell too much on him. I lay in the bath just now and sort of felt some peace of mind, i feel calm tonight. Not sure if that feeling will last, if past experience is anything to go by then it wont lol but i am enjoying it while its here. I think i may be removing those rose tinted glasses that have made me view him as some sort of love god this past few weeks, he wasnt, yeh sure he was a good guy, good lover and all that jazz but i may of built him up into some sort of Adonis in my mind, through grief i think ( crazy town makes us think all sorts huh) he really wasnt ALL THAT and i have had better. I had a hot steamy dream last night and he wasnt in it ..dont ask me who the heck the guy was but Mannnn alive he was gooood... does this mean i am preparing myself for a new man or just that i am horny LOL..who knows.. Anyway, i am pretty tired so i think a hot drink and bed for me tonight ( rock n roll life i live..i know i know ) xxx
  13. Well done on getting past day 30!! Good for you! x Hang on in there sweetie, the early days are hell but it does does get easier with time. x
  14. Day 20 I slept better last night so i feel more human today. 20 days seems like 20 years to me right now I suppose it doesnt really matter how many days have passed, fact is he isnt interested in me anymore. Why would he be when he is almost 4 months in a new relationship, thats his priority now and i am just someone he knew once. I wish to god i could view him as just someone i knew once, he had a 2 month head start on this though, 2 months of seeing her but still staying very close to me, it annoys me that i held his hand as he stepped on to new ground with someone else, only i didnt know about it. I wonder every day if maybe he thinks about me, even if only in some small way, i want him to reach out to me, i just feel so much like a piece of crap thrown to the curb when its no longer needed. This really does suck balls Anyway on we plod toward day 21 Yippie xxx
  15. Day 19 I didnt sleep well last night at all, i lay there thinking about him and her and all those what ifs came back, what ifs that i really shouldnt be concerned with, but i am. Finally dropped off about 2-30 am ish and then when my alarm went off for work i felt like crap, struggled through work today because i am so tried. I am ok though, too tired to give a poop about him at the mo lol Only a quick stop here tonight to make my entry cause Britains Secret Treasures is on the TV Hope you guys are doing ok xxx
  16. Nah i think maybe you misunderstood my post, i dont think it has anything to do with how i look lol I was trying to say that even when other men show an interested it doesnt make me feel good. Blehhh xxx
  17. He isnt shallow, this new woman is rather large and very plain looking. Meee****ing owe LOL but its true. Actually her being large and not anything special makes it worse IMO. It means they have connected on a much deeper level.
  18. Thanks CE as usual your words are a comfort xxx I was told by a random guy that i was a very attractive lady when i was out the other weekend, i smiled back and said thanks but in my mind i was thinking, oh really? Then why did he **** off with someone else? His compliment didnt make me feel good, it made me feel worse. Also had another guy sniffing around but i am just not interested, no other man on this planet ( not including Bear Grylls though phoarrrr lol ) could possibly turn my head. The only man i want, doesnt want me. Its all so sad xxx
  19. Day 18 Not having a very good day today, i really hoped i would start feeling better by now but i seem to be in reverse. Each new day doesnt seem to be bringing me any peace, only fear of us being more and more like strangers. I just cannot get my head around how easily he has replaced me. I have been completely erased like i never existed. He wont be missing me or us because he has his gf to do all new and exciting things with. I am sort of pissed off that he could so easily forget me yet i cant forget him for even 1 minute. From best friends and lovers to strangers in such a short amount of time. I really dont know if id ever want another relationship after this, he was so not the type of guy to **** anyone over, and he has done exactly that. My faith in men is very low at the moment. ( Obviously girls **** people over too) it makes me feel angry that he is out there living his life without a care in the world after he stomped on my heart, then left me broken and in a total mess and he didnt even look back. I guess you could say tonight i feel pissed right off LOL xxx
  20. My sister is now married to her first love after being apart for 22 years.
  21. Australia is somewhere i would love to visit! Bondi beach
  22. Thanks CF xxx Crying releases bad toxins from the body, i could feel that cry coming on for a few days tbh, you know when you get that lump in the throat when you're upset or stressed? I had that for a few days, then i broke down last night and its gone. I think crying is therapeutic, although it doesnt feel like it at the time lol I did all i could do already regarding him, i totally embarrassed myself by losing complete control of myself the day he told me about her and then again when i broke NC the first time at day 12.... thankfully the second time i broke NC at day 13 i was ( on the outside) completely together , so at least his last memory of me is not of me crying like a lunatic I have found though that each time i broke NC ( well twice) its been easier going back into NC. I guess because time is passing by. Hang on in there xxx
  23. Cheers g3 xxx If i could pack up and leave i would bugger off to Texas Find me a cowboy and live on a beautiful ranch, spend evenings sitting on the porch, on a swinging chair watching the sunset...ahhhhhhh bliss. I love England but this constant grey sky and rain is pissing me off. Its supposed to be summertime! lol
  24. Day 17 HI guys and gurls Feeling a lot better today than yesterday, had a wee cry last night for the first time in a good few weeks and i think that made me feel a bit better. Still miss him but i am sort of just falling into this new life without him. What other choice do i really have huh? 17 days is not long really, but since he told me about her nearly 7 weeks ago, time has slowed down so for me 17 days is a long long time lol. I have to be proud of myself for getting this far i think. I dont know what else to add here for todays entry really, i feel like i am just repeating myself Hoping you are all hanging in there xxx
  25. lol You have become our leader ..you have a very helpful caring nature..i am grateful you are in this thread, although i wish it was under different circumstances for you xxx
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