THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Analog]

Day 3

 

Well today was not a good day. I haven't seen her in a week, and I know it is hurting us both not speaking to one another. I've been somewhat depressed and overall just tired today. I think I'll go out tonight to get my mind off things.

[ClarityCoast]

Transmit, I have to ask....how have you managed this terrain so smoothly?!

 

Was it a short relationship? End badly?

[tothecoast]

Day 20 since BU, Day 14 NC.

 

I must be in the worst of it - or at least I hope I am, because I can't imagine it getting any worse than this. It seems like the first week or two was way easier, probably because the truth hadn't sunk in yet. Now it's become real, and I feel totally destroyed. I get hit with waves of sadness more and more frequently. Mornings are awful. Work is the only relief - luckily, I love my job and it's very active/involved so it's the only time that I don't think of her. Wish I could work all the time, because it's when I leave work that the pain sets in.

 

Today I keep torturing myself by imagining her with someone else. How long will it be until she gets involved with a new person? How will I find out? How much will it hurt?

 

This is especially painful to me because we broke up very lovingly, and somewhat mutually, because she has mental health issues and was convinced that she was unable to be in a relationship. Throughout our breakup, she maintained that she hated herself for walking away from someone like me, and that if she could be in a relationship with anyone, it would be with me. When we went NC, I told her that one of the reasons it was necessary was that she might start dating someone else. She laughed (kind of darkly) and seemed to think it was very funny that I even thought that was possible...she said there was no way that was gonna happen.

 

But - on this board, we all know better than this. Sooner or later, EVERYONE dates again - even people who say/believe that they can't be in relationships. They meet someone, they change their mind, and they decide to give it a try. When will that happen with her? Is it already happening? Thinking about it absolutely tortures me...I can't imagine the pain I'll be in if/when I find out.

[litttlemisssun]

Day 5/6

So I had to talk to him about getting my snake and clothes leftover. I made it so I don't even have to see him when I get it and my bestfriend in the whole world is going with me so I'm not alone and vulnerable. He was trying to make it so he'd see me but I said no. Right now in all honesty. I feel like I'm getting weak again. I miss his handsome face. But then I remember what a compulsive liar he is and I know I can't miss him. I miss the idea of him, who I thought he was. I'm not going to show him that I miss him. Screw him. I'm going to have a good rest of the day today with my bestfriend and some grey goose. I deserve happiness, I won't show that I feel like I'm getting slightly weaker. I have too many options right now.

[transmit]

Transmit, I have to ask....how have you managed this terrain so smoothly?!

 

Was it a short relationship? End badly?

 

I would not say things have been smooth... just steady, I guess. My relationship lasted a year and the breakup in March was quite shocking and horrible for me - the worst I've ever had.

 

I've spent a lot of time since then working out, eating well, being EXTRA busy with work. I've been very social and have made room in my life for more friends (when I was with the ex, I didn't see the need). I've also learned to be happy by myself. I work from home and some days I don't see anyone, but I'm still able to feel happy in my routine, and I think that's just as important as being social. It's been helpful to push myself in new ways (I'm in better running shape than I've ever been, and still improving), to make myself look nice (even if I don't plan on going out, why not?), and to take small joys (park breaks during work hours, coffee with a favorite snack, playing with the dog, cooking a dinner I'm really looking forward to, etc.).

 

Don't get me wrong, I've had moments of weakness. I e-mailed my ex (neutrally asking how he was) about a month ago, sure that he'd want to reestablish some casual communication. He was polite but brief, which hurt - and I decided to leave him alone after that. I still love him and I've had my fair share of crying. There are days when I think about him more than others. But those urges to cry and contact have ebbed, to the point where they no longer overwhelm me. I can put them out of my mind with any number of new things I've brought into my life.

 

And of course, reading and trusting in the wisdom of ENA has helped. Each time I check the forum I feel like I've internalized more knowledge - I don't just read it and say "yeah, that's probably true" - I know and understand.

 

I hope describing this process will cheer up some people who feel hopeless. At the beginning of the breakup I would plead for the pain to be over. I could see no end. I never woke up and felt better. I barely even noticed that things had gotten easier -- it was so gradual.

[trishlove]

DAY 6 (or is it?)

 

Well anyway, it's just been day 6 and I'm not even counting the days anymore. I'm still experiencing the occasional lows, but as of this minute I'm currently in the high. Not feeling bad at all. A bit apathetic, not even thinking about the past. I've said too many c rap a month and a half after the break up that he probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore. None the less, I've still been smoking a lot more these days.

[ASHAN4U]

~ DAY 3

 

This morning was better than expected, woke up not thinking about him. In fact the only thing I thought of was wow I didn't wake up thinking about him...lol. So I guess that is a step in the right direction. It's been a smooth day so far even though the thought does cross my mind since it's a holiday weekend...what he might be doing. We spent this weekend together last year and had so much fun, and now he's prob with someone else...NOT thinking about me.

 

Yesterday we had a customer appreciation BBQ at work and thank goodness he did not show up (I pretty much knew he wouldn't)...but I did see one of his co-workers who talked to me for a bit about the situation and made me feel a little better. He said sometimes you need to give people time to miss you...so give it time! In that time you BOTH can figure out what you really want and if you REALLY want each other it will happen.

 

I will tell you this...from past experiences...they DO come back...at some point. I want to say about 75% of the time they do and I am living proof. It may not be 2 weeks or 2 months or even 2 years but they do...if you made a lasting impression on that person and then you broke up for some whatever reasons...they WILL remember you. So here you go...I went and had drinks with an ex from 2-1/2 years ago...I was in LOVE with him and when he broke my heart to go back to his wife, it was like I died. I prayed every night for him to just come back into my life, I missed touching and kissing him and laughing with him... well there you go and here he is. AND...it's kinda helping me move on from my heartache now with my most recent ex...but I still have a long way for that.

 

So all, let's keep our heads up and let the magic of karma and destiny work in it's mysterious ways!

 

Onto day 4...

[martyfarty]

day 10!

 

had some crazy dreams. mostly of me moving on and chatting w/ other girls. oh well. time to keep busy and to do me. got to get my business up and running! it's the only thing i have atm.

[tothecoast]

day 21 since BU, day 15 NC. i continue to feel terrible. think about her and our breakup constantly. feel like i'm barely getting by every day. her birthday is coming up, and that has me thinking about her even more. talked to a mutual friend, who said my ex is really depressed. sigh. this whole thing sucks. i'm hoping it won't get any worse than this. just keep reminding myself to put one foot in front of the other...

[spirit seeking]

Day 1? or whatever....I came to the realization that I am not going to be able to get over this. So, instead of avoiding my feelings, I'm just going to go with it. I want to love and communicate with her and everyone. I'm not going to do obsessively, but, like Bhudda would say...the middle. Just occasionally. Still love her, I always will. From afar. And I'll love life. The trees, the sun, the rain, the birds, the people, the fish, the deer... everything and everyone. I can live with that. But no contact is not working for me. I felt just as bad as day 1. So, day 1 of loving everyone and everything...and communicating with everyone and everything.

[trishlove]

Day 7

 

Yes. i realized that i am not permanently on the high. I've been experiencing almost a whole day of lows. But as of the moment at this hour I'm on the high. Not thinking about what I lost again (if I even lost anything). I had a dream a while ago. I was with another guy, dating actually. I know who he is, but people call him by a different full name. I forgot the full name. I'm not sure what this dream is trying to tell me.

 

Well anyway, I have a lot of plans next semester that will expose my name more to the university. I have all the connections, and my past relationship was the only thing that has been stopping me last semester. Too bad I still have to give it two months before I can engage in my plans. I shall post about it soon. He'll be soooo pathetic in the dust while I'll be having the time of my life. I have to wait atleast two more months for it to happen... I don't think any one of us would even give a * * * * about it by that time. Oh well.

[transmit]

day 21 since BU, day 15 NC. i continue to feel terrible. think about her and our breakup constantly. feel like i'm barely getting by every day. her birthday is coming up, and that has me thinking about her even more. talked to a mutual friend, who said my ex is really depressed. sigh. this whole thing sucks. i'm hoping it won't get any worse than this. just keep reminding myself to put one foot in front of the other...

 

you're doing fine. just get through these next few weeks.

[fuzzer]

I'm just curious ... do you guys tell your ex to not contact you? Or do you guys just continue to ignore phone calls/texts?? I've been trying NC, but I haven't explicitly stated it to my ex. I try to ignore her calls, but usually end up calling back the next day or in a few hours.

 

However, yesterday was a bit different. I disappear for a whole day and she spam calls me 3-4x. This was something she never did before. She didn't leave a message or send a text.. so I assumed it wasn't an emergency. When I returned her call the next morning, she told me she was worried about me not being online and she hasn't heard from me the whole day...

 

I guess, the reason she was "worried" was because I was originally going to go get dinner with her, but cancelled on her. I sneakily asked her after her saying she was worried... " Were you upset?" Lol, her response was, well I was worried too.

 

Trying not to read between the lines, but I do nonetheless... =(

[trishlove]

fuzzer:

 

I just told my ex that I'm not meeting up with him anymore (we had plans to, despite him being on a rebound). Then I told him to just put everything in the past and that it will be my last text to him. Just now at 1 am he texted all of a sudden saying he misses me. Wouldn't wanna disappoint the folks around here by replying.

 

The whole time I'm on NC I thought he doesn't think about me anymore. So it's quite a shock that he texted me. Maybe it's a drunk text since he sent it at 1 am.

[fuzzer]

fuzzer:

 

I just told my ex that I'm not meeting up with him anymore (we had plans to, despite him being on a rebound). Then I told him to just put everything in the past and that it will be my last text to him. Just now at 1 am he texted all of a sudden saying he misses me. Wouldn't wanna disappoint the folks around here by replying.

 

The whole time I'm on NC I thought he doesn't think about me anymore. So it's quite a shock that he texted me. Maybe it's a drunk text since he sent it at 1 am.

 

Trish,

 

Boy do I hate mixed/unclear signals like that. There's like ten thousand ways to interpret it >

 

Sounds like you have the strength to go through with the NC =)

[trishlove]

Yeah, it's not like it's gonna get better if I keep talking to him. So why not NOT talk to him? Atleast I have less chances of making myself look like a clown. I've been contacting my ex for a half and a month after break up and it always lead to meaningless, immature, bickering. I cringed when I thought of everything I said to him. NOT me at all. Well, despite thinking that he's probably turned off by what I've become, he still ended up texting days after I decided to shut up.

 

Trust me, at first during NC you'll be feeling like you're in deep sh it. As the days pass by you'll feel proud that you didn't give in.

[fuzzer]

My ex just tried to call me 2x... I ignored it both.

 

I hate the feeling that I am potentially driving her further away by doing this, but it needs to be done. My goal is to eventually get back with her, but people say that NC is not a game/trick to win your ex back. It's solely for you and your partner to get some time apart.

 

But I still feel like its a gamble because I worry that it'll drive her further away and make her start to hate me and all... And yeah, similar to you... when we do talk, I have the tendency to blabber and speak of the past and get all emo and stuff...

[Streetbob]

My ex just tried to call me 2x... I ignored it both.

 

I hate the feeling that I am potentially driving her further away by doing this, but it needs to be done. My goal is to eventually get back with her, but people say that NC is not a game/trick to win your ex back. It's solely for you and your partner to get some time apart.

 

But I still feel like its a gamble because I worry that it'll drive her further away and make her start to hate me and all... And yeah, similar to you... when we do talk, I have the tendency to blabber and speak of the past and get all emo and stuff...

 

 

I think as long as she knows your reasons for implementing NC - she will respect you for your strength in the long run.

It must be the hardest thing - not to accept a call. Embrace your strength and push on!

Good luck

 

SB

[trishlove]

fuzzer:

 

NC may or may not drive her away. I'm not sure if it's a good way to get your ex back. I have no intentions of reconciliation so I'm fine with it. If the person really does love you they won't forget you right away. If she does love you enough, she'll still want to be with you when you break NC someday. Just tell her that you're not doing it to be mean. You're doing it for both of you.

[fuzzer]

Thanks guys.

 

The best thing I've done so far was join this community. I've been able to get a lot of inspiration and strength.

 

=)

[Streetbob]

Thanks guys.

 

The best thing I've done so far was join this community. I've been able to get a lot of inspiration and strength.

 

=)

 

Yeah, wish I'd found this place years ago. Lot's of inspiration to be found here!!!

Try and use it to become a better person - whatever the outcome - that's what NC is really about.

 

SB

[trishlove]

Day 8

 

Nothing much to say here. Been through the occasional lows, but as of now I don't really care. He texted twice at 1 am. 1st text he called my name. 2nd text twenty minutes after he said he misses me. Feel sorry for his rebound. Good bye, losers. See you in your graves.

[tothecoast]

Day 23 since BU, Day 17 NC. Well, things continue to * * * * ing suck. This is her birthday weekend and I know she and all our mutual friends will be partying all weekend, having a great time without me...feel like I'm going through hell. Woke up this morning and, even though I tried to stop, I found myself reliving our first kiss, and then our first date, in my head. It was so ridiculously painful, and all my own fault...why do we torture ourselves in our heads like that??

 

Have a date tonight with someone I always sleep with between relationships. It's good...no feelings, no attachment, no complications...just two sexually compatible people having fun. Have to say I'm not feeling very up to it right now, but hoping that will change after I get moving, go to the gym, etc.

[tomato]

hmm, not sure I agree with having this thread on the getting back together subforum - NC is touted more along the hardcore healing after breakup line on here....but I felt I should try it once. Lets see if people attack and just push the that or realise I totally understand that "moving on" is the best thing you can do, I am seeing other people and doing plenty of stuff - but keeping an option open is a choice I simply decide to not totally close down I feel this sub forum should respect that.

 

day 22 - I'm realising that I cant send her anything since I have already come accross as "chasing/needy" after I texted her without a response ago... despite just wanting to hang out and have a good time (as we have the last few times we hung out) ....I keep thinking a month would be a good time to break it.......just because I dont see that as being needy - talking once a month is hardly very much right?

 

Dont friends keep in touch that often? I know I contact good friends that often...I dont see why this should be any different? I suppose you could make the argument that good friends dont ignore your texts either...but you would try and contact them again after a month right? -especially if it was them that broke NC the previous 2 times I think she might genuinely not want to break it because she has in the past and wants me to for once.

[transmit]

A month is not that long. And you're not "good friends" with your ex - maybe someday you will be, but not any time soon - so don't keep in touch as if you are. You don't have to contact her after a month to "keep the option open". All you'll do is drive her away.

 

Be patient and don't torture yourself. Keep going with NC until you stop having thoughts like this!