ClarityCoast

No woman is worth medication Streetbob! I can say that! I'm a woman!!! Invite that anxiety in for coffee...feel it...understand it...and then....let it leave. Trying to resist the ups and downs of all this is only going to keep bringing it back....

Thanks Streetbob... So far, the banter has been friendly...like we just picked up were we left off (in better times). And I feel comfortable with that. However, I've thought about a few boundaries that I'll need to keep, should this go forward. Including: No "visits" until we SUSTAIN healthy communication for several weeks. This was my biggest mistake in the past. Contact is made...and we rush right back into the same vortex as before. Not this time. If we can go 46 days and return...he can endure a few weeks of email before I agree to a visit. Time will tell.

...and we have contact.... After 46 days, just a few hours from my last post...I get a facebook message that says "Very beautiful"...no doubt a comment made about my new profile picture, a landscape of a park setting. While I was thrilled to hear from him...now that I've been missing him... Its certainly a breadcrumb. Sigh. I just wrote back "What?"...and I wouldn't be surprised if he never responded...in an effort to screw with my mind! Well...I'd have to LET him do that and the 46 days of healing wont allow it In short...keep your dignity...let THEM come to YOU.

Day 46 This sucks. I thought by now I'd feel indifference. Instead, all the anger that was protecting me is gone...and now I just miss him.

Yes and no. My case is a little different...because there was/is alcoholism involved. If we *both* do not stay in recovery (him in AA, me in Al Anon)...we will only make eachother crazy...and I don't want to live that way. The last time we spoke...he had relapsed. If we both proceed with recovery...there is a chance. Although, I'm losing hope by the day...

I don't think its going "back to start"... I think its like climbing up the side of a mountain. You will probably loose your footing multiple times...but that doesn't mean you tumble all the way back to the bottom and end up inside the car you drove in on... My ex and I have cut the communication line MULTIPLE times. The first few times...it was a day or two. Then it was a week. Then it was two weeks. Today...its been 42 days...

Streetbob...you're not an idiot! You are a human being! If all of us were capable of managing these waters without a care..we wouldn't be here! Its a process...there is nothing to be ashamed of. (now if I could just take my own advice! )

Day 41 At this point, I don't expect I'll ever hear from him again. Although, he's certainly making himself "known" via social media...something he used to make fun of and brag about never using. At least my tears have stopped. While I have zero intention of reaching out, when I see people posting about their ex contacting them months later...I often wonder, "What would I even SAY?" I have no idea but it would be rather jarring to hear from him. Perhaps slightly relieved, and slightly upset.

I had an interesting "event" in my NC journey that I wanted to share...largely to get it off my chest... 30 Days came and went...and the anger intensified....how he just "discarded" me, invalidated our past, etc.... So on the morning of Day 32, last Friday, I commit with every fiber of my body that *I'M* going to block and erase every modality of contact because I know consciously and subconsciously I am keeping them open in hopes of his return...and it is only hindering my letting go. Mobile, email, all... I decide to start with Facebook. Block him. I get to his page to block, fuming mad and determined...and I decide that for "one last time" I will scan through his page (we are not Friends, so its minimal information).... And that's when I see that just 20 minutes earlier he had made a "public" post of a very little-known song/band that I had introduced him to months ago. The song is called "Home" and I must have played it for him a dozen times when we were together. Its my favorite. And there it was. On his page. Intentionally made public. And then...all my defenses caved. I couldn't do it. I lost all my anger and determination. Crumbled. A few hours later it was gone...replaced by another public post...this time a picture of the dog we got together as a last-ditch effort to "save" our relationship. It was a picture of the dog's "birthday party" and presents. Which meant it marked a year since we broke up. The "public" nature and subject of the post...to me...was obvious. And my defenses crumbled further. Largely, I'm very frustrated with myself for checking at all. I'm frustrated that my "determination" was so quickly defeated!! I have NOT broken NC nor do I EVER intend to. If he has something to say, he will have to be the first to say it. I'm not getting on that rollercoaster again and even 35 days is not long enough to heal... However, if his motive was to get my head spinning...boy did it work.....

Transmit, I have to ask....how have you managed this terrain so smoothly?! Was it a short relationship? End badly?

Day 31 The feeling of invalidation and resentment for letting "this" be "the way it all ends"...is nearly overwhelming. Truly, I am so envious of you that reach one month and are able to shrug your shoulders and move forward freely.

I update mine regularly...I've lived all over the country so its the only way I can keep up with all my friends accross the globe. We've been separated for a year but have gone back and forth. This is the longest we've not spoken...and as each day passes I'm finding myself clinging more to the ONLY line into his life I have...which unfortunately...is on Facebook. When I realized how much time I spent checking in on HIM (partially relieved to not see a 'couples' photo...partially wishing I had)...I knew I was missing out on time I could spend healing ME. That's why I took it down. I don't know about you...but at 30 days...I'd still be leveled to see some big, smiley lovey-dovey photo of him and a new person. On another note...I'm really happy you are here. Most people seem to be in the first week of NC. I'm so relieved that we are on the same time span...

Day 29 Spirit, conversely, today I took DOWN my Facebook page. I realized that while we weren't SPEAKING...I was still "checking in" on him DAILY. We were not friends...but we had many MANY mutual friends. It hit me that at the one month mark...it may only be a matter of time before pictures and posts of him and my future replacement hit the web. I am not strong enough right now to handle that. So I took away the weapon. I'll be interested to see how long I keep it down. I hope...at least another month. I will miss interacting with my friends.

Spirit I hear you... I'm hoping AND fearing the news that he's in another relationship. On one hand, it would be the final motivation I need to block EVERYTHING and give up hope. On the other hand...I'd be giving up hope. And I'm not ready to feel that way yet, despite having ZERO desire to contact. The limbo is brutal.

Day 27 I never thought I'd get this far, however, it doesn't feel as 'liberating' as I was hoping for. It feels more like invalidation. Oh well...onward!