Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal

[annie24]

Anyway... in my own dating news, I have a date on Wednesday with "Alexei." He recently moved to my area and is from Latvia. He's in his late 20s, photos are quite attractive and he seems pretty nice/funny. Very flirty and his english is decently good. He must have learned it well in school. Also been asking me to send "photos" to which I replied I don't do that with guys I don't know, and if he wants to see photos of me, to look at the ones on the website. ..... I also think of requests like these as a "test" to see what kind of woman they're dealing with (i.e., hookup material or girlfriend material). imho. I sent him a photo of my nails after a manicure. he said that was not the type of photo he wanted to see, but liked the color I chose.

[milly007]

Lol - good for you! Ugh, another dating pet peeve...when guys ask for more pics. You handled that well, annie. Good on you.

[notalady]

I lol'ed at the "have a nice shower" comment thanks for the laugh!

 

I didn't like when guys from online asked for photos, when I've already put up 6-8 photos on my profile (close ups, full body, in different settings). It comes across as paranoid / untrusting to me, or seems like they have some other motive that I'm unsure about. Luckily only one guy did this (and he turned out to be manipulative, we only went on 6 dates).

 

I think the guy carol slept with was just looking for an excuse to dump her after getting what he wanted, fully knowing/expecting she was seeing others as well and likely also slept with them since she slept with him within the first few dates. If she had responded she wasn't seeing others or that she didn't have sex with others, he would've said nothing about wanting something serious. Just one of the many reasons why it's a bad idea to sleep with someone before you know what's what.

[annie24]

Hm.... you know what I think it is - I think Carol just can't read between the lines with how guys act. I didn't used to either. If you've never had a guy who is really into you, then you don't know how an "interested" vs. a "lukewarm" love interest acts. I think this goes for men and women as well. Because she's dated these "lukewarm" men, she doesn't know that they're just mildly interested and not enthusiastically interested....I think she was right from the get-go with this guy (that he was just in it for a roll in the hay and to add another notch on his 400+ belt, not a long term relationship) and then instead of just ghosting her, he turns it around like it's her fault that she's got bad morals. She told him she would be interested in a relationship and not seeing other men. She said he didn't reply. I hope he still hasn't replied and is moving on so as to not torment her. Ugh.....

 

As for Alexei - while he didn't ask for "sexy" photos, I got the feeling that's what he wanted (and doesn't want!) at the same time. I said no to more photos because there is one full-body, bathing suit shot of me on my profile. I have that and a few face photos. So... basically, I think that's enough. So far, I have a positive feeling about him but that could all change, lol. I like his smile in his photos. He seems like a good-natured guy. I hate it when men don't smile in their online photos. They don't seem as warm or as fun or trustworthy. And it needs to be a real smile too. Not just a weird grimace with teeth showing.

 

I told Ewok what I told hot gym guy about having a good shower. Ewok told me if this interaction had gone down between 2 gay men, the next question would have been "Would you care to join me in the shower?!" If hot gym guy said that to me, i would have gone back with him and paid the $5 no show fee for my gym class, lol.

[annie24]

By the way, I had a guy say something along those lines to me as well a few years ago (back a few hundred pages in the journal). i.e., "things with us went too physically fast and that's a turn off." or something along those lines. I told this to my friend's husband, a Brazilian man, and his reaction was back when he was single and a woman would sleep with him quickly, his attitude would be, "wow, thank you for doing that with me!!!" not contempt. oh well.

[annie24]

Alexei has some beach shots of himself too and his body is pretty awesome.

[WithLove]

I told Ewok what I told hot gym guy about having a good shower. Ewok told me if this interaction had gone down between 2 gay men, the next question would have been "Would you care to join me in the shower?!" If hot gym guy said that to me, i would have gone back with him and paid the $5 no show fee for my gym class, lol.

 

AMEN to that, sister!!!

[Blue Spiral]

I told Ewok what I told hot gym guy about having a good shower. Ewok told me if this interaction had gone down between 2 gay men, the next question would have been "Would you care to join me in the shower?!" If hot gym guy said that to me, i would have gone back with him and paid the $5 no show fee for my gym class, lol.

 

The picture-wanting guy's test worked, then, even if he doesn't know it. You're more interested in gym guy than picture-wanting guy--because you'll make a sexual exception for the former, but not the latter--and your response indicated that. Gym guy gets a shower, picture-wanting guy doesn't even get a picture, and that pretty much tells the story. IMHO, if a woman is attracted to a man, that attraction will overcome her usual beliefs and rules, and she'll quickly throw them aside. Whereas if she shrugs and does what she always does, there isn't enough attraction there.

[annie24]

Hot gym guy did not invite me to his shower sadly. But I've know him in person for several months. Well, we'll see. Alexei seems pretty interesting and attractive. I just have to meet him first and see what he looks like, smells like, etc. I know what gym guy smells like, haha. before I rush into his shower, lol. But I get what you're saying. When I don't like a guy, I tell him I don't kiss on the first date. When I do like a guy, things are much more heated.

[Blue Spiral]

But I get what you're saying. When I don't like a guy, I tell him I don't kiss on the first date. When I do like a guy, things are much more heated.

 

I realize that women have to worry about safety more than men...but I'd encourage you to always be direct, as opposed to using code and/or trying to spare the guy's feelings. Yeah, the guy may get upset, but you'll save a lot of time for both of you. Also, it'll avoid the two main problems that come from that:

 

1. The guy will wonder what he's doing wrong, and become neurotic about it, as opposed to realizing that you just aren't attracted to him. Instead of moving on, he'll try to make a zillion changes to his approach. You'll both get worn down and stressed out. This happened to me when I was younger, and understood women even less than I do now.

 

2. Later, if the guy finds out that you broke your rules for another guy, he'll realize the truth, and become bitter. If a guy sees that happen dozens of times, well, he'll end up like me. When the woman that "needs an emotional connection" before she has sex hooks up with the gym instructor she just met (you may recall me telling that story years ago), when the girlfriend that really wants a sensitive guy leaves you for a neanderthal with the emotional range of a bowling ball, and this keeps happening for the next fifteen years...

[annie24]

Date with Alexei tonight. I will report back on how it goes.

 

D sent me a Linked In request today. I deleted it, blah!!

[LAYAAN]

Hm.... you know what I think it is - I think Carol just can't read between the lines with how guys act. I didn't used to either. If you've never had a guy who is really into you, then you don't know how an "interested" vs. a "lukewarm" love interest acts. I think this goes for men and women as well. Because she's dated these "lukewarm" men, she doesn't know that they're just mildly interested and not enthusiastically interested....I think she was right from the get-go with this guy (that he was just in it for a roll in the hay and to add another notch on his 400+ belt, not a long term relationship) and then instead of just ghosting her, he turns it around like it's her fault that she's got bad morals. She told him she would be interested in a relationship and not seeing other men. She said he didn't reply. I hope he still hasn't replied and is moving on so as to not torment her. Ugh.....

This is so true!!! No matter how painful and frustrating it is to get guys with lukewarm interest, I'm thankful to these guys. They taught me what a lukewarm interest looks and feels like. I learned to move on quickly after wasting my time with the on-off guy. How old is Carol? I hope she learns her lesson soon. These men no matter how rich or hot or educated, if they are not into you, they are simply not worth the pain.

[LAYAAN]

Anyway... in my own dating news, I have a date on Wednesday with "Alexei." He recently moved to my area and is from Latvia. He's in his late 20s, photos are quite attractive and he seems pretty nice/funny. Very flirty and his english is decently good. He must have learned it well in school. Also been asking me to send "photos" to which I replied I don't do that with guys I don't know, and if he wants to see photos of me, to look at the ones on the website. ..... I also think of requests like these as a "test" to see what kind of woman they're dealing with (i.e., hookup material or girlfriend material). imho. I sent him a photo of my nails after a manicure. he said that was not the type of photo he wanted to see, but liked the color I chose.

I had posted 3 photos of myself on the website. The men that asked for more didn't like me all that much in the 3 photos that were posted and wanted to confirm that I wasn't very attractive (to them) by looking at more photos of me. Initially, I used to provide photos, then I learned to tell them to F off. If they didn't like what they saw on the website, it wasn't going to get better.

[LAYAAN]

I wore my hair down at the gym yesterday (its usually in a pony-tail) and I saw him do a double-take. I needed to show him my long hair as a symbol of my health and fertility.

lol lol... I just love you Annie.

[LAYAAN]

Hey Annie, since you are into college educated men, have you considered Asian men?

(Not being disrespectful to other groups of people. Just trying to increase the chances of getting the one you want.)

[annie24]

Hey Annie, since you are into college educated men, have you considered Asian men?

(Not being disrespectful to other groups of people. Just trying to increase the chances of getting the one you want.)

 

I have - I'd say I have a preference for white men, but it's by no means exclusive and I'll write back to and go on dates with any guy I think I'd get along with.

[annie24]

This is so true!!! No matter how painful and frustrating it is to get guys with lukewarm interest, I'm thankful to these guys. They taught me what a lukewarm interest looks and feels like. I learned to move on quickly after wasting my time with the on-off guy. How old is Carol? I hope she learns her lesson soon. These men no matter how rich or hot or educated, if they are not into you, they are simply not worth the pain.

 

Carol is 33. I hope she does find a better match soon.

 

So my date with Alexei last night..... Hmmm.... He's good looking, very flirty and handsy with me the entire night. I told him at one point I didn't feel so comfortable with him playing with my hair, so he stopped. That was good at least. We don't have a lot in common as far as taste in music. He's also very homophobic (as I think a lot of slavic men are, especially one that came over so recently) - this came up when I mentioned that some of my closest friends are gay and he reacted very negatively to that. I told him now he's in America, he'd better get used to it. The yellow flag is that he's here on a tourist visa, not a work visa (so he's working here illegally) but is trying to come up with a legal way to stay here. He does have a higher degree, but I think he would have to return to his home country, then reapply. I suggested he can always go back to school, get a student visa. He said his lawyer said the same thing, just enroll in wherever, you don't even have to show up, just pay the tuition. He said he doesn't want to pay, plus he already has a high level degree. He's insistent he wants to stay in the US, so that makes me wonder if his strong interest in me has to do with getting a legal way to stay here. so..... Hm. I told him I'd see him again but he's supposed to go out of town this weekend (with his brother who is here legally for a long time, as far as I can glean). Soooooo...... hm. On the plus side, we had a few things in common, I guess I can see him again, but I'm feeling very cautious here.

 

Edited to add: I also noticed I didn't say very many nice things about him. The positive things were that he was otherwise gentlemanly (taking my heavy bag, opening the door for me). he wanted to have his Uber drop me off home, but I said no, because the restaurant we were at, there is a bus stop in front of it that literally goes straight to my door, so there's no point in taking a detour for him. He smelled very nice. Definitely was attentive. He seems to have a strong work ethic and does genuinely want to work (and is working under the table I guess!)

[notalady]

Homophobia, working illegally and looking for a way to stay would've been the red flags for me and that'd be enough for me to not see him again. The first, aside from the issue itself, points to possibly more cultural differences. The second, would make me think he is very likely just looking for a way to stay in the country especially when he admitted as much. If he was on student or working visa, I wouldn't be so concerned, but considering he came here on tourist visa with a specific purpose of finding a way to stay, and didn't think fondly of the student visa route, I would think he would favour the marriage visa route.

[Fudgie]

Yeah the working illegally and visa issues and stuff would have had me running, but it's just me. Do you really want to see him again?

[annie24]

Meh..... I don't really know. Maybe one more time? I'm Slavic too so I understand his culture decently well. I can also relate because I know a lot of people, also have family who have gone through these visa issues. So yeah, I realize I havr

t painted the most positive picture here.

[notalady]

I suppose at least he was honest about it.

 

Just personally speaking, I'm Chinese and wouldn't date someone who just came here from China unless they are super open minded about learning and integrating into western culture (does not mean you give up your own culture but be open minded and accepting) and adhering to its laws, because even though I totally get the common mentality / views / values some of them hold that is driven by society, and totally get sometimes being a bit dodgy is necessary and totally get that the law doesn't hold as much weight in some countries (like China), and it's normal/common behaviour, there are some major things that I disagree with so I consider it an issue of incompatible value. That's just me though, a lot of people are ok with that, and accepting of these differences like you are, even if they hold a different view, and that's totally fine! Just as long as you feel like you can accept him as he is.

 

Anyway I don't think another date would do any harm.

[Batya33]

Just consider how you'd feel introducing him to your friends who are gay. I don't see this as a gay issue at all -it would come up if he was hostile about any particular ethnic group or sexual orientation and you had good friends in one of those groups.

 

I don't think one more time hurts and I was impressed with how you also focused on the positive stuff - I can see you want to be as fair as possible.

[annie24]

Well.... so we're texting a bit - he was out of town this weekend. He came back in town now, asked I want to come over tonight, I said no, I have a dance class. Then we agreed on Saturday for getting together. But then he wanted his place and I said I'm not ready for that, would rather meet in public. He said "Sad. I just said I'm not ready to go to his place (for the 2nd date) and if he wants to move faster, then we're not a match. And then I haven't heard from him................. so.....

[notalady]

Seems like he wants to get in your pants more than anything else..

[annie24]

Yeah, doesn't sound like he's playing the long game here (citizenship by marriage to me, lol). I kind of wanted to tell him the last few guys I slept with on the 3rd date. But I don't want him to therefore think that means sex on the third date IS happening. I mean, we have to enjoy the dates too.