Our Actions Say We're Back Together, But I Want To Hear The Words

[Sparkie]

I say just relax a bit. Things have been going how you wanted them to go, and to all intents and purposes, you are in a relationship.

 

If he knows how you feel (looking for long term, life partner, marriage?) and he cares about you, he may just be feeling reticent to tell you he's back in, because he knows what that involves. Maybe he wants to make 100% sure he wants that and feels safe with that emotionally.

 

Because, if he tells you that he's in, when he's not quite ready to, he puts huge pressure onto himself to not let you down, for the relationship not to fail, to feel locked in, rather than just going with the flow and letting it develop.

 

He may just be unsure of admitting it to himself because of past hurt, so can't yet tell you.

 

It doesn't mean he's stringing you along. Like you, he is entitled to live as he chooses and do what he feels is right for him. Doesn't make you both incompatible. Doesn't make him evil. Just do what you've been doing and let it unfold. Pressure at this point is bad IMO

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, I just read through that older thread and some of her other posts...it really sounds like he turned on the charm the first day he bumped into her which resulted in sex on their first date. He has the relationship right where he wants it...throwing out little crumbs to keep her there..throwing out words like "girlfriend" and going through so-called milestones...yet he stops short of making the relationship official. This has been going on since August..he has been wishy washy. I would be very careful with this.

[DN]

blue_dahlia, all I can advise you to do is look on the positive side (and you describe quite a lot of positive) unless and until you are quite certain there is a negative. From all you describe you have a good man - many men would not have come back at all and it says quite a lot that he did. I think it worth while taking time and having patience.

[GoldenHillGuy]

This 'Negative Nancy' crap is getting out of hand.

 

My opinion is that the OP has been kind of 'on edge' during this whole reconciliation process. I know exactly how she feels. I say just relax and roll with it. The facts are the guy isn't dating anyone but you, you hadn't seen each other for a few years until August. Be patient.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This 'Negative Nancy' crap is getting out of hand.

 

My opinion is that the OP has been kind of 'on edge' during this whole reconciliation process. I know exactly how she feels. I say just relax and roll with it. The facts are the guy isn't dating anyone but you, you hadn't seen each other for a few years until August. Be patient.

 

 

I prefer to look at the big picture based on all the other posts...if that makes me a "negative nancy"...I am proud to wear that badge...I see red flags from her previous posts...maybe this will all work out in the end...but there seems to be a lot of stalling going on...and sometimes in order to keep hope alive we overlook what is really going on and only look at the "great strides". At what point, however, do great strides become official. Why is it that he can say the word "girlfriend" in passing...but when nailed down to it, he can't say that they are official. There seems to be some contradictions in what he says. But hey, I guess that's just me being a "negative nancy"...perhaps you can explain to me why it is a really positive thing that he can say the word girlfriend in passing but when asked if they are officially a couple he is wishy washy.

[atelis]

with respect CAD, you see red flags in almost every post you make.

 

I have no problem with healthy scepticism and a bit of cynism, but i really think you are assuming way too much with little or no grounds to make those assumptions.

 

at the end of the day, dahlia is taking a chance on reconciliation with someone who she hurt previously. if him being cautious with his own heart is being wishy washy, then really, how do you expect the guy to act? Do you really think that after 12 months of NC he will simply open his arms again and declare his unconditional love when they have only been dating for 3 months? i think you need to get real here.

 

like all of us, she is taking a chance, but just ease up on the brutal cynism, because i don't think it helps someone's frame of mind.

[Hope75]

Yeah, I just read through that older thread and some of her other posts...it really sounds like he turned on the charm the first day he bumped into her which resulted in sex on their first date. He has the relationship right where he wants it...throwing out little crumbs to keep her there..throwing out words like "girlfriend" and going through so-called milestones...yet he stops short of making the relationship official. This has been going on since August..he has been wishy washy. I would be very careful with this.

 

Breakup sex is more common than you might think, and she was not a hapless victim, she consented to sex with him. When you see someone you have a history with and chemistry with, and have been separated from, those feelings come rushing back and it's easy to get carried away. I know I have done it, I'm sure others have too. That doesn't mean he has some evil plan to seduce her and throw her away.

 

He isn't seeing other people and is being honest with her about taking his time- it isn't like he's telling her he wants to still see other people or doing it anyway and being ambiguous about it.

 

I still stand by my advice to give this a bit more time (if you are comfortable with that bd) and re-evaluate in a few more months if things don't continue to progress. I just don't get the feeling he's screwing with you, I think his feelings and his fears are genuine and he is being honest with you and giving what he can at this point, and things are progressing.

[JadedStar]

This 'Negative Nancy' crap is getting out of hand.

 

My opinion is that the OP has been kind of 'on edge' during this whole reconciliation process. I know exactly how she feels. I say just relax and roll with it. The facts are the guy isn't dating anyone but you, you hadn't seen each other for a few years until August. Be patient.

 

What you call negative some very much call looking at the ENTIRE picture. I cannot advise anyone to go thru life looking thru a rosey lens. Fact is there have been issues here far before the break up with his not wanting to solidify relationship status. maybe that is ok for you, but the OP obviously has some issues with it, hence her writing this thread.

 

It might be more helpful to give your views to the OP vs calling advice you disagree with "negative nelly" posts. I am not degrading your advice, I am only giving my take on it, and that is all one can do, please do the same in return. Whether I am right, or you or any other poster is irrelevant. At the end of the day the common goal we should all share is that she gets enough varied advice from which to draw some type of assistance from - I have no stake in her staying or leaving, only giving my stance based on the information I have been privvy to.

[annie24]

well, my observations are that most women want to get married - yesterday! i think men want to make committments too, but don't want to feel pressured into it. they want to feel as if they've done it of their own volition.

 

i think DN makes a good point about if things are going well, then relax and let it go with the flow. i know a lot of men who proposed once they felt that their gf wasn't 'putting the pressure on them' anymore. i think people just want to feel like they are making the decision of their own accord, and not being pressured into it.

 

i agree that if things are going well, and in a positive direction, and she hasn't, for example, found his link removed profile up or something - if he is taking her as his date to parties, and acting in a bf like way - then chances are that he might make it official if she kind of hangs back. maybe he just needs a bit of time, i think that's understandable?

[DN]

I think Hope75 has some experience here: i.e. - break-up, slow getting back together - dating - boyfriend/girlfriend again - fiance - wife. Read her story in her threads. Not that it means the OP will follow the same path but it does happen.

[annie24]

I think Hope75 has some experience here: i.e. - break-up, slow getting back together - dating - boyfriend/girlfriend again - fiance - wife. Read her story in her threads. Not that it means the OP will follow the same path but it does happen.

 

yeah, i was thinking the same thing!!!! hope was definitely patient and there she is in her wedding dress - things turned out quite well. just because a guy is cautious doesn't mean he's reluctant!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

with respect CAD, you see red flags in almost every post you make.

 

I have no problem with healthy scepticism and a bit of cynism, but i really think you are assuming way too much with little or no grounds to make those assumptions.

 

at the end of the day, dahlia is taking a chance on reconciliation with someone who she hurt previously. if him being cautious with his own heart is being wishy washy, then really, how do you expect the guy to act? Do you really think that after 12 months of NC he will simply open his arms again and declare his unconditional love when they have only been dating for 3 months? i think you need to get real here.

 

like all of us, she is taking a chance, but just ease up on the brutal cynism, because i don't think it helps someone's frame of mind.

 

I read between the lines...and I often hit right on the mark. I see too many posts where people give advice based on a surface reading of the situation and they don't bother to dig deeper into the issues. I often have positive posts as well but I will not sugar coat situations...I have seen plenty and read plenty on here and you often have to dig a lot deeper than what people actually post. I have been accused before on this forum by other posters in a thread who say I am too negative...and yet the OP realizes that I hit the nail on the head. Sometimes the OP won't realize it until they end up getting burned. I prefer to show the red flags rather than be the blind cheering section...because that is how you really help people...by pointing out what you see that they might not see.

[atelis]

only giving my stance based on the information I have been privvy to.

 

as i said earlier, i really don't know how you can give that advice on the information that has been posted. to me, it just seems like you and CAD are taking a cynically negative stance, irrespective of the info that has been posted. From what i've read, we are simply dealing with a guy who is being cautious because he has been hurt previously. if you can read something more than that, then i will bow to your greater insight.

[GoldenHillGuy]

The ENTIRE picture is that she hurt him before and that caused the breakup.

 

They don't see each other for over a year.

 

They start dating.

 

She has been wanting to go faster than this guy the whole time. Nothing wrong with that.

 

3 months is NOTHING. Cut the guy some slack. He had his heart broken the first time. He's taking it slow.

 

This GBT forum is so quick to jump on the 'he's using you', 'he's stringing you along', 'he's a commitment phobe', etc.

 

If it bothers her that he's taking his time, then maybe that's the issue. But to assume these negative things about the guy is just ridiculous.

 

In my opinion, he sounds like a hell of a guy. Give him time. That's all I and a few other rational people are saying.

[Batya33]

I would give it a bit more time but, without putting pressure, I would explain to him that until he figures stuff out, you intend to keep your options open too as far as dating others. Because if he went on a date right now, he wouldn't be cheating and whether he is dating others now is irrelevant - that could change tomorrow and at least part of his mindset is to keep his options open.

 

I agree actions speak louder than words but not when it comes to whether you're exclusive or not, or where you stand in general - then, the words are essential.

 

Good luck.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The ENTIRE picture is that she hurt him before and that caused the breakup.

 

They don't see each other for over a year.

 

They start dating.

 

She has been wanting to go faster than this guy the whole time. Nothing wrong with that.

 

3 months is NOTHING. Cut the guy some slack. He had his heart broken the first time. He's taking it slow.

 

This GBT forum is so quick to jump on the 'he's using you', 'he's stringing you along', 'he's a commitment phobe', etc.

 

If it bothers her that he's taking his time, then maybe that's the issue. But to assume these negative things about the guy is just ridiculous.

 

In my opinion, he sounds like a hell of a guy. Give him time. That's all I and a few other rational people are saying.

 

 

He turned on the charm to bed her on the first date! Is that taking things slow! Is that a guy who is cautious! Is that a guy who looks like he is afraid of getting hurt! Is that a guy who was so hurt by her previous actions that he is so incredibly cautious. He is taking her on vacations..yet he can't make the relationship official! Sorry, I think we will have to agree to disagree on which camp is the rational camp. Negative Nancy...yeah right...more like Nancy Drew who looks at the big picture and interprets clues.

[atelis]

I prefer to show the red flags rather than be the blind cheering section...because that is how you really help people...by pointing out what you see that they might not see.

 

and the red flag is a guy who has taken all of 3 months to decide whether he wants reconciliation after he was very hurt?......gimme a break

[Batya33]

and the red flag is a guy who has taken all of 3 months to decide whether he wants reconciliation after he was very hurt?......gimme a break

 

I think it's fine to take the time - but to expect that during that time he can play boyfriend-girlfriend when it suits him isn't fair to the OP.He should take the time and the risk that while he is taking his time, he could lose her to someone else.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

and the red flag is a guy who has taken all of 3 months to decide whether he wants reconciliation after he was very hurt?......gimme a break

 

He did reconcile...he is sleeping with her, he is taking her on vacations...he is simply not making it official..there is the red flag..he is having his cake and eating it too. He is acting like he is in a relationship but when she asks him if they are official he blows her off. . People who are so hurt by someone that they want to take things slowly, usually do not go on vacations with that person...the vacations come AFTER they make a decision that they are comfortable enough to make it official. He has put the cart before the horse.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I am going to take a different tack her... reading her original thread, she says their own problems were they fought 3 times, she has a temper and said some nasty things, and attended one wedding where she made a fool of herself.

 

Now everyone has done that in a relationship at some point, and i don't see how 'bad' and deeply hurting that is to him. he's the one who labelled her 'bad' and dumped her (and she bought the 'it's all your fault' story from him, as are other posters here).

 

I just don't see 3 fights and a drunken embarrassment as 'badness' or something an ordinary (good) relationshiop couldn't survive, if the guy was really in love with her and wanted commitment.

 

And another important fact, the guy is 41 and never married. so i'm thinking there's a chance the real issue is he's someone who doesn't want to commit to marriage to begin with, and is looking for excuses not to make a commitment, or when it gets too close, he looks for excuses to break it off.

 

So unless the OP was tee-totally evil (which she obviously isn't), i don't get the sense she was all that bad, or worse than most people and the fights they have. He sounds a bit oversensitive, or else he's someone who doesn't really want to commit to begin with, and looks for reasons not to do so. Most men have married at least once by age 41, unless they are confirmed bachelors or commitment phobes.

 

So i don't think she needs to spend all her time blaming herself and nurturing him like a sensitive baby bird she's injured. She's needs to evaluate this as if he's a grown up who needs to be able to deal with anger, fights, and occasional embarrassments like a drunken wedding without heading for the hills. And she needs to make sure he is someone who really does want to get more serious and marry. His pattern seems to be that he DOESN'T want to get serious, and is happy just with non-committal dating. That could be the real issue, and the original problem that led to the original breakup, not her 'badness' which was just an excuse for him to avoid marriage yet again.

[blue_dahlia]

He did reconcile...he is sleeping with her, he is taking her on vacations...he is simply not making it official..there is the red flag..he is having his cake and eating it too. He is acting like he is in a relationship but when she asks him if they are official he blows her off. . People who are so hurt by someone that they want to take things slowly, usually do not go on vacations with that person...the vacations come AFTER they make a decision that they are comfortable enough to make it official. He has put the cart before the horse.

 

I haven't had time to read all the threads, but I just want to say that there are a lot of generalizations in this post.

 

I *chose* to sleep with him (who says he charmed me? maybe I seduced to him?) and the vacation costs were equally divided.

 

And who says a weekend getaway has to come after reconciliation? K and I love to travel. We went on many short trips when we were together. It's fun and a good bonding experience.

[blue_dahlia]

P.S. This is an interesting thread!!

 

Positive and negative, thank you for all your insight!

[DN]

I think that getting drunk and making a scene at a family wedding would embarrass most people more than people on here are acknowledging. It may be easy to overlook it if you weren't there and it wasn't your family, or your relatives wedding that was affected but don't forget it was the culmination of a pattern of behaviour that obviously caused major issues to the point of a break-up.

 

But it doesn't matter if I would be hurt and embarrassed by such behaviour or if anyone else would not be - it embarrassed and hurt him and he has the right to those feelings. To minimise what she did and make him the bad guy in all of this seems to me to be entirely unfair.

[DN]

blue_dahlia - good luck with your relationship. I hope that you give him some more time and understanding and that you both end up happy with each other.

[Hope75]

He turned on the charm to bed her on the first date! Is that taking things slow! Is that a guy who is cautious! Is that a guy who looks like he is afraid of getting hurt! Is that a guy who was so hurt by her previous actions that he is so incredibly cautious. He is taking her on vacations..yet he can't make the relationship official! Sorry, I think we will have to agree to disagree on which camp is the rational camp. Negative Nancy...yeah right...more like Nancy Drew who looks at the big picture and interprets clues.

 

Again, read what I posted above. She was a willing partner, and it's not at all villianous that they saw one another and those feelings came rushing back and they found themselves in bed together. It happens, more than you might think. She is a consenting adult, and they obviously care about each other. Why do you automatically assume he's using her? I don't see evidence of that in her posts.