Our Actions Say We're Back Together, But I Want To Hear The Words

[blue_dahlia]

K broke up with me two years ago. I caused him a lot of pain. K is very careful with his heart, but when he gives it away he loves freely and wholeheartedly. When he gets hurt, it takes time to repair the damage.

 

So K and I have been seeing each other for the past three months. It's been a slow road that has required an immeasurable amount of patience from me. He's cautious and afraid of being hurt again.

 

Our relationship over the past three months has progessed substantially. With each passing month, he has come closer and closer. We now see each other three times per week, he's not seeing (nor will see) other women, we make advanced plans (initiated by both), we have had two weekend getaways, he has indirectly called me his girlfriend, he's affectionate, loving, and last night I went with him to his friend's 40th birthday party.

 

So I had some wine last night (mistake) and asked if we were back together. My question took him aback. His reaction (and the wine) made me emotional. I went to the bedroom for a few minutes, and when I came back I asked, "Why are you so afraid of commitment?" He replied, "I was wounded deeply" (from our break-up). He also said that our relationship had a taken a great stride tonight (us spending time with his friends), and that to him that was a big step. I just gave him a hug and let it go. The rest of the night was great, as well as the morning. However, I'm sure that there's some residual effect (good or bad) from our conversation.

 

Why, why, why do I need to hear the words? We all say actions count more than words, and his actions speak volumes. I hurt his feelings. Here he is giving as much as he's capable of giving to me right now, showing me (through actions) how much he cares about me, and I'm unsatisfied.

 

Even if he said, "yeah we're back together" - nothing really would have changed or be different. Why do I want to hear him say it?

 

I feel like he's thinking if you don't say aloud that you're back together then you can't break-up and you can't get hurt. But it would hurt the same? I mean, just because you can bury your head in the sand doesn't make something go away just because you can't see it.

 

All my friends said let it be, don't worry about it. You're together, why do you need to have it verbalized? I wish I could hit rewind and erase the conversation. I won't contact him. This situation needs to cool down a bit. I don't want him to feel any more pressure.

 

I don't even know the point of this thread except just to get my thoughts down on paper.

[DN]

How did the evening end after that conversation?

[diamond78]

Relax...

 

I know how much you want to hear that you are back together officially from his own mouth, but I say to continue going the way you two have been going.

 

After the breakup you guys had, the fact he brought you out to see his friends again speaks volumes in my eyes. He's re-introducing you back into his life which I'm sure was hard for him to do considering the circumstances.

 

I think he is taking his time with this because he wants to be sure you have changed and that he is making the right decision.

 

I'm telling you...enjoy the moments you two have been sharing together! You two have been having a great time and it's clear the love is still there...Just try to ride the wave out for now....

[annie24]

just because you are 'acting' like you are together, don't assume anything. i'd talk to him about where he stands about the relationship being exclusive.

[blue_dahlia]

It was a late night conversation, but afterward it went well. We were playful, affectionate and very loving toward one another. There wasn't any distance between us. This morning, it was great. At lunch, I some distance, but I just figured he was thinking about the rest of his day (he was going to his sisters house).

[Hope75]

I can understand why you are feeling frustrated and wondering what he's thinking, but I think if you want to be with him, you just have to give him this time and be patient. You say he's not seeing anyone else, and his actions are showing you he is getting closer to you and making the effort. If he weren't behaving this way I'd say force his hand, but he is and it sounds promising.

 

If I were you I'd give him a couple more months. If in a few months he is still not able to verbally and openly make that commitment to you, than you have to decide if what he can offer you is enough or if you need more.

 

 

Good luck! It's a hard spot to be in, I remember being in that limbo for a few months when my now husband and I were dating and had split up and later gotten back together.

 

I think based on what you said you patience and persistence will pay off.

 

((HUGS))

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Actually, you have a right to be concerned...because lots of people do this kind of thing with exs...they act like they are a couple but when asked about it, they deny it and say it is not serious. You have been seeing each other steadily for three months...you have a right to know if you are officially a couple...3 months is long enough. It is not enough to "look" like a couple and "act" like a couple. There has to be a clear statement of intent to make it perfectly clear and official. This "big stride" business is BS...that is to placate you so that he avoids giving you an answer. Yes, you hurt him badly...but he is making the choice to spend all this time with you and treat you like a girlfriend...so it doesn't wash that he is afraid of saying that you are officially together. Saying those words will not make him any more vulnerable than he has already made himself by spending all this time with you. He is using your history with him as a lame excuse. I would suggest you let it go for now and re-visit this question in a month. If you get the same kind of BS answer then I would seriously reconsider this relationship. When two people are reconciling, the person who was originally the injured party has to make the commitment to let go of the past and put him or herself out there to make things work. If he is still using the past as an excuse to not move this relationship into the realm of being official, then he can't let go of the past. Be careful that he is not stringing you along in order to exact revenge on you for your past wrongs.

[blue_dahlia]

just because you are 'acting' like you are together, don't assume anything. i'd talk to him about where he stands about the relationship being exclusive.

 

We have talked about it. He's not seeing nor will see anyone else. Me neither.

[DN]

I think he is just making sure that the same thing isn't going to happen again. If he was very hurt the last time I don't blame him .

 

If all else seems OK - then give him a reasonable amount of time.

 

If he were to ask you to marry him - what would be your answer?

[redhearts]

Maybe he is just trying to take things slow. Trying to slowly build the relationship up and is waiting for that right time.

[blue_dahlia]

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate all of them!!

 

Our relationship has grown incredibly over the past three months. He has substantially lowered his guard. I will continue to be patient, and give him time, understanding without pressure.

[blue_dahlia]

I think he is just making sure that the same thing isn't going to happen again. If he was very hurt the last time I don't blame him .

 

If all else seems OK - then give him a reasonable amount of time.

 

If he were to ask you to marry him - what would be your answer?

 

I would say yes.

[DN]

I would say yes.

Then try to subtly let him know that - not easy but doable.

[blue_dahlia]

Here's what I think...

 

In his head, when he verbalizes that yes, he wants us to get back together - that to him it will mean for life. I think he's truly trying to decide now if I'm someone he wants to marry. If this was a first-time relationship, he'd give it a shot. But it's not. It's a rekindled relationship, and there better be a point to starting it up again.

[blue_dahlia]

Then try to subtly let him know that - not easy but doable.

 

The first time we were together, we had talked about marriage. I asked him a while back if he truly loved me when we went out the first time, and he said that he loved me more than I would ever know. I know I destroyed him that first time. He's fairly unemotional, but he's very sensitive. I don't know if he's still in love with me.

 

I don't know how to do what you're suggesting. What would be the point? I think it would scare him even more? I honestly think that he already knows that I would marry him, but maybe not.

[Hope75]

I understand what CAD is saying, which is why I advised to give it a bit more time and see where things go and then ask him about it again. I don't get the feeling this guy is stringing you along, and I don't think all guys play games.

 

My guy and I had similar difficulty for a few months following a very difficult and traumatic break up and we struggled much like you are now. He wasn't jerking me around, and we did get back together, and a few years later we married. We are stronger now than we've ever been together. It's not unusual to need time and to work together, slowly at repairing the damage a break up can cause. My guy and I were both tentative and gun shy at first but we knew we loved one another and we were willing to give it some time, and it paid off.

 

Sure, there are probably some guys who are playing games, but I don't get the feeling this is one of them, and I think it's reasonable to give it a few more months and then talk to him about it again. I don't think it's reasonable to go on for year waiting for a verbalization of commitment, but a few more months is OK if you ask me, given his actions thus far.

[Hope75]

What happened when you broke up? How is this break 'all your fault'?

[atelis]

dahlia, he gave you his answer and he is being honest with you. i think all these conspiracy theories that others have posted here are way off the mark.

 

you asked him why he was afraid of commitment and he gave you a brutally honest answer. he clearly needs to rebuild his own confidence in you and the relationship again before he can make the kind of statement/commitment you want to hear. he is basically telling you that it's heading in the right direction, but he is still cautious.

[blue_dahlia]

Thank you for your post. You're right, he is not a game-playing man. Like your ex (and now husband, which is fabulous), I don't think that's he's jerking me around. I have seen considerable and steady growth of our relationship over the past ten weeks.

[Hope75]

Thank you for your post. You're right, he is not a game-playing man. Like your ex (and now husband, which is fabulous), I don't think that's he's jerking me around. I have seen considerable and steady growth of our relationship over the past ten weeks.

 

And honestly, you know him better than any of us do based on a few paragraphs, so you are in a better place to say whether or not you think his intentions are true or if he's just pulling you along to get a little more booty before he cuts you loose.

 

If you find yourself continuing to question the relationship and his intentions as the weeks and month progress, at any time you can talk to him about it and change your mind about being with him if you feel he isn't being honest or doesn't want the same things you do.

 

 

Good luck!

[blue_dahlia]

What happened when you broke up? How is this break 'all your fault'?

 

K is not an emotional man, but he's very sensitive. He had a rough childhood with an abusive father, and his mother passed away when he was 12.

 

This is embarrassing, but during our relationship I would get really angry over little things. I would yell, scream and sometimes call him names. This reminded him of his childhood. The final straw was when I got drunk at his cousin's wedding and became vocal and irrational. Although he loved me, he ended the relationship. He couldn’t tolerate it any longer.

 

Over the past two years, I have talked with a therapist, read, and learned how to effectively communicate. I have grown considerably. K has seen a change in my behavior, but I think he's still a little apprehensive. I think he's waiting for that other side of me to emerge.

[blue_dahlia]

dahlia, he gave you his answer and he is being honest with you. i think all these conspiracy theories that others have posted here are way off the mark.

 

you asked him why he was afraid of commitment and he gave you a brutally honest answer. he clearly needs to rebuild his own confidence in you and the relationship again before he can make the kind of statement/commitment you want to hear. he is basically telling you that it's heading in the right direction, but he is still cautious.

 

 

Thank you my friend!! (hug)

[Hope75]

K is not an emotional man, but he's very sensitive. He had a rough childhood with an abusive father, and his mother passed away when he was 12.

 

This is embarrassing, but during our relationship I would get really angry over little things. I would yell, scream and sometimes call him names. This reminded him of his childhood. The final straw was when I got drunk at his cousin's wedding and became vocal and irrational. Although he loved me, he ended the relationship. He couldn’t tolerate it any longer.

 

Over the past two years, I have talked with a therapist, read, and learned how to effectively communicate. I have grown considerably. K has seen a change in my behavior, but I think he's still a little apprehensive. I think he's waiting for that other side of me to emerge.

 

It's OK- you recognize what you did wrong, sought help to correct the problem, and have shown improvement, those are all things to be proud of.

 

Now you'll just have to see if he can get past the past and work with you towards a future together.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

dahlia, he gave you his answer and he is being honest with you. i think all these conspiracy theories that others have posted here are way off the mark.

 

you asked him why he was afraid of commitment and he gave you a brutally honest answer. he clearly needs to rebuild his own confidence in you and the relationship again before he can make the kind of statement/commitment you want to hear. he is basically telling you that it's heading in the right direction, but he is still cautious.

 

They are not conspiracy theories...this kind of thing happens all the time...I have seen many many posts like that. Sorry, I think it is also important to have the eyes open to other possibilities even if it is not what the OP wants to hear. Sure, everything may work out fine..but clearly she is upset and you need to look at all sides...not just the "everything is going to work out peachy, canned, feel good answer". People get blindsided when they don't look at all angles..both positive and negative...some may call the negatives "conspiracy theories"...I just call it being prepared for anything so that you are not blindsided. I did indeed tell her to wait another month and see what happens....but in the meantime she needs to figure out what she will do if, in another month he puts her off again. He is acting like a couple with her and not making it official..in fact, I assume they are sleeping together...if you are sleeping together and introducing to friends then why the hesitancy over talking about being an official couple...if he really wanted to take things slowly, he would have taken other things slowly...and the words "let's be in a relationship" would have come before "let's go to bed".

[atelis]

it's fine to look at all angles, but you should re-read your original post. dahlia knows the risks and she knows that nothing is guaranteed.

 

your post assumes far too much negative and very little positive and i really don't think you have any grounds to assume that from the info we have been given.

 

just keep balance in what you say. you can still pose your post in a way that points out the risks without the extreme cynism that came accross