Our Actions Say We're Back Together, But I Want To Hear The Words

[yeahwhatever]

Why do words matter? I would rather someone show me than tell me. I learned my lesson the hard way about words I hear. From now on it is actions only and if they throw words in, fine.

[JadedStar]

I don't blame you for wanting to hear the words. In a situation like this it is too easy to fall into complacency and give yourself to someone who is not on the same page as you. I suggest that yes, you find out for sure if you are on the same page because even tho he might be afriad to 'give his heart away' you are a human being too and i am sure you want to give your heart to someone who feels the same way. Nothing wrong with that.

[JadedStar]

it's fine to look at all angles, but you should re-read your original post. dahlia knows the risks and she knows that nothing is guaranteed.

 

your post assumes far too much negative and very little positive and i really don't think you have any grounds to assume that from the info we have been given.

 

just keep balance in what you say. you can still pose your post in a way that points out the risks without the extreme cynism that came accross

 

I agree with CAD. If they are walking the walk of a couple him validating that in words should be just as easy or easier than saying let's go to bed. That is not a conspiracy theory. That is the OP taking her own heart as seriously as the man in question is supposedly taking his own heart.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

it's fine to look at all angles, but you should re-read your original post. dahlia knows the risks and she knows that nothing is guaranteed.

 

your post assumes far too much negative and very little positive and i really don't think you have any grounds to assume that from the info we have been given.

 

just keep balance in what you say. you can still pose your post in a way that points out the risks without the extreme cynism that came accross

 

Well, Jaded expressed it very well in response to your post. I will just reiterate that I have seen this kind of scenario far too often on this forum and causes way more pain for the one being strung along. True, I don't know the OPs situation...maybe everything will indeed come up roses...that is why I also said that she should wait a month and then re-visit the discussion. If my post was all doom and gloom and unbalanced, I would have told her there was no hope and to dump the guy. That is NOT what I said...I encouraged her to wait a month and then see. So there was indeed balance...but it was also very cautionary..something that is very important for others to tell her as well. The purpose of this forum is to tell it like it is...not just simply be a rose-colured glasses cheering section.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The thing Blue D needs to take away from this is that regardless of her willingness to marry him right now, he's just not at a point mentally where he's even considering them a couple. He's just dating her now, and enjoying that, but making no promises and hopes she doesn't get too carried away until if and when he decides he wants to move forward.

 

So it could be fine if he just needs more time to determine whether he's willing to commit, but it also could mean that he has serious enough doubts that he's not ready to be anything more than they are right now, until those doubts are satisfied (if they ever are).

 

So she can't ignore this because it has given her an indication that he is not yet into the relationship as much as she is, but it is a good thing from the standpoint that she now knows she needs to guard her heart a bit and not be planning the wedding in her head just yet.

 

I agree that she should wait another month or two, but if at 6 months he's still waffling over this, perhaps he doesn't have the confidence to ever trust the relationship, and is just biding time til he decides what to do (or meets someone else, whichever comes first). If he commits before then, then good for her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why do words matter? I would rather someone show me than tell me. I learned my lesson the hard way about words I hear. From now on it is actions only and if they throw words in, fine.

 

It is not a matter of grand "I love you" comments during the relationship. That is a completely separate issue. I agree that during the relationship actions speak louder than words. However, in the OPs case there is ambiguity in the relationship itself. His actions may be there...but in the end, he is balking at making it official by his words. Imagine going to a store to make a purchase, handing over your credit card but then refusing to sign the receipt to make it official. So the actions were that the credit card was given...assuming the person is willing to pay for the item...but the final follow through to make the payment official is not forthcoming. So what good is it if there is big show without the "official" stamp of approval. Lots of people can fake it with actions but deep in their hearts it means nothing. You need a balance of both actions and words.

[JadedStar]

Why do words matter? I would rather someone show me than tell me. I learned my lesson the hard way about words I hear. From now on it is actions only and if they throw words in, fine.

 

In a situation like this the words matter A LOT because she is trying to ascertain where she stands and he doesn't want to say...that can be construed as an ambiguous ACTION just as well as you call it "only mere words". I am a big fan of actions as well but in this case the guys actions only show that he likes having sex with her and being around her but no real declaration of anything beyond that. I am not even talking marriage - i am talking about something as simple as even exclusively dating. As a person myself who does not casually date I would not be comfortable with a guy who could not verbalize to me where we stood when I asked him.

 

I sure wouldn't want to be trapsing around with a guy who walked the walk and then choked when he needed to talk the talk.

[blue_dahlia]

I appreciate all the comments and thoughts.

 

He's not playing games, he's not stringing me along. He has strong feelings for me. I believe he wants to move forward, but he's afraid. Agree or disagree, but this is what I believe.

 

The relationship has greatly progressed over the past two and half months. It's taken a lot of time and patience. I'm not discontent; I don't feel like I need a make a decision now. I will give it another month or so, maybe shorter, maybe longer. I won't know the acutal time until my feelings tell me.

[annie24]

i guess just give it some time. i can understand that he is cautious with his feelings. but of course, you deserve to know where you stand. especially if you two are going as a couple to friends' bday celebration, i don't see why he is so reluctant to say, 'yes, we are in a relationship.'

 

a totally different situation, but i have a friend who was dating an american guy for over a year. she assumed they were exclusive, but then he brought up that he was dating other women all along, but that she was #1. she flipped! they are married now, but long story short, i think it goes to show that you shouldn't assume anything, and that having clear and direct communication is extremely important.

[DN]

I think that people are forgetting - or at least discounting - the fact that he broke up with you because he was badly hurt.

K broke up with me two years ago. I caused him a lot of pain. K is very careful with his heart, but when he gives it away he loves freely and wholeheartedly. When he gets hurt, it takes time to repair the damage.

It seems from this statement that he loved you very much and that is why he was hurt by whatever it was that you did and, as you say - it takes time to repair the damage. That break was a long time ago - and in that time the hurt may have subsided but repairing the damage means that he has to learn to trust that you won't do it again - and two or three months isn't very long under those circumstances. only he can decide when he has reached that point - and it is his right to take as much time as he needs.

 

You have the right to decide that he is taking too long of course. You are not just a supplicant in this scenario, you have a measure of control as well. But I would give him the credit of understanding his position and not just assuming that he is stringing you along or indulging in some sort of payback. That would be cruel and from what you have said of him, he isn't like that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not saying he is definitely stringing her along and trying to be cruel..I am just opening up that possibility. Yes, he may have gotten hurt from her...yet how come going slowly means not making an official declaration of being a couple..but making damn sure that the bedroom action is happening and that they are having "couple" vacations. If you are acting like a couple then you should be putting that intention into words. He can still get plenty hurt from her considering he is acting like a couple with her and has opened himself up to spending lots of time with her. Also making the declaration of being a couple is not binding...if he sees her suddenly reverting to old ways he can end the relationship. Right now he is half in/half out but making sure to get HIS needs met without making anything official. She is in limboland.

[JadedStar]

I agree. I do not discount at all the fact that maybe his caution is due to being hurt. But like CAD i am saying that if he is this afraid and still hurting then why is he so quick to act like a couple in the bedroom and jaunting off on vacations?

 

If that were me i'd have more respect for my own self to not let him have the sex and other stuff without knowing where i stand but i am not here to judge, just giving my take on why i do not think it wrong of her to want to know if they are indeed a couple or not. His hurt is understandable but beside the point I am making.

 

I doubt he is doing anything out of cruelty, but his reasoning for this IMO is not what I am talking about. I am talking about whether or not the OP should want more declaration of their status before sleeping with him and doing little couple things. I would hold off on all of that if he is hurt and afraid and making up his mind. There is NOTHING wrong with the OP holding off on those things while he takes his time to figure out what he wants. And if he takes too long she is free to move on. I understand she hurt him but there comes a time when she will have to decide is this smoething she wants to wait on or not.

[DN]

Well, it is a possibility that he is cruel and heartless and deliberately setting out to hurt her in an act of revenge. There are people like that in the world. I guess the OP is in the best position to decide if her man is one of them. From what she has said so far it seems unlikely but I suppose it is wise to be on the alert for the worst case scenario.

[JadedStar]

Well, it is a possibility that he is cruel and heartless and deliberately setting out to hurt her in an act of revenge. There are people like that in the world. I guess the OP is in the best position to decide if her man is one of them. From what she has said so far it seems unlikely but I suppose it is wise to be on the alert for the worst case scenario.

 

And if he is all the more reason for her to stop allowing him to have this "halfbaked" relationship with her. Witholding the sex and stuff can only work to the OP's advantage at this point - if he is being cruel or just hurt and cautious her not sleeping wtih him will be advantageous in the end.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, it is a possibility that he is cruel and heartless and deliberately setting out to hurt her in an act of revenge. There are people like that in the world. I guess the OP is in the best position to decide if her man is one of them. From what she has said so far it seems unlikely but I suppose it is wise to be on the alert for the worst case scenario.

 

 

Sadly there are...I remember reading one or two threads on this forum where that was the case. Certainly this may not be the case in this situation...but it is always better to understand all possibilities of what is going on so that the situation can be evaluated from all angles and you can protect your heart.

[DN]

My advice is to keep doing what she has been doing, which seems to be working, and put her trust in the man. There has been good progression since they first got back together as she says herself, and to either rush the fences or start witholding to exert pressure would, in my view, be a fatal mistake. The last thing that she needs to do is to give him an idea that she is going to hurt him again. I think withholding sex would be a huge mistake because he would see that as a very retrograde and manipulative thing to do. .

[JadedStar]

It's not about witholding sex as a punishment. To say "i am not comfortable sleeping with you when i don't even know if we are in a relationship" shows she respects herself. If he takes offense to that, sorry to say but at that point its his bad.

 

The fact that she created this thread is proof that while it might be working for him as is, it isn't working for her and she is bothered by a possible half baked relationship.

[DN]

It's not about witholding sex as a punishment. To say "i am not comfortable sleeping with you when i don't even know if we are in a relationship" shows she respects herself. If he takes offense to that, sorry to say but at that point its his bad.

The problem with that is that it is too late - she already has had sex with him if I understand correctly. To suddenly say that now, after the recent conversation, could only be seen as being manipulative or bringing pressure - because if she really felt that way she should have said so from the beginning.

[annie24]

i think something that is missing here is how did the OP hurt her guy the first time around? if she hurt him by cheating, i can see why he would be so reluctant to jump head first into a relationship again.

[DN]

[Crazyaboutdogs]

i think something that is missing here is how did the OP hurt her guy the first time around? if she hurt him by cheating, i can see why he would be so reluctant to jump head first into a relationship again.

 

Yes, but the thing is he has jumped head first into a relationship with her...he is acting the part of being in a full fledged relationship but is witholding the status.

 

I agree with DN that at this stage it is too late to backtrack on the sex etc because it has already been part of this relationship despite the non-official status. At this point the only thing she can do is to give it another month or so and then revisit the question...if he is still unsure as to whether she is official relationship material, then she needs to decide whether or not to accept continuing to live in limbo land for an indefinite period or walk away saying that she has given it enough time and if he is still not sure then it is unfair for her to continue like this.

[annie24]

ok, they have different fighting styles but i still don't see what the 3 big fights were about - besides her getting sloppy drunk and acting like a fool at a wedding. i'm just curious what she has done to him to make him so apprehensive....

[JadedStar]

She might not be able to withold sex but she can back off of this relationship and just tell him she needs some space to decide what she wants to do if he really can't give her any indication of how he wants to move forward.

 

I can't say i could stay happy in a situation like this that is half baked.i sorta did this years ago wtih an ex and broke it off.

[DN]

It just seems unwise to me when things seem to be progressing so well to try and force or pressure him to do something he appears to be heading towards anyway. What's the point? If he was backtracking, pulling away, becoming remote and distant then that would be cause for concern. But the only problem seems to be that he isn't moving along fast enough for people's taste - but that doesn't mean he isn't moving in the right direction. Applying pressure might make him decide differently.

[JadedStar]

It all depends in what the OP Feels is a progressive rate. We don't know them so i can't really say if it is moving along at a healthy rate or not. But it is all up to the OP to decide. AFter reading her backstory, he had problems really defining the realtionship even before the first split. He might be a guy with commitment issues regardless of any past hurt. And while her yelling at him and getting angry was undoubtedly hurtful and exasporating, unless i missed it she didn't do anything like cheat on him to betray his trust so his caution seems more like his style not just from what she has done.

 

And she will have to decide if she can handle someone who might very well stay cautious frmo now on. IT is a possibility given the history she told us about with him and his past.