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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


Mayday11
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Hi Alan- that is normal for the initial high to wear off. It doesn't mean something is wrong, only that you are entering a new and deeper stage. If you were to pursue this other woman, you may get a new high, but that would wear off again as well eventually. It really depends on what you are looking for in a relationship, whether you want to be in a long term one right now. That can be trickier than it sounds, because sometimes we aren't aware of the real reasons we feel like pulling away. There may be more to it for you than the feeling that things are getting boring. The truth is, only we can fulfill ourselves. When we look to someone else to fill a void inside, we will always be disappointed in the end. It's a hard truth to learn. Real happiness is here in the present and comes from within us. But many times a part of us doesn't want to believe that - it looks to an imagined future in a different situation and fantasizes about possibilities. That happens because this part of us is not quite ready to accept that happiness is something we need to work for from within and not something that comes from what another person can do for us.

 

That's what I know. What do do about it, only you can decide.

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  • 5 weeks later...
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I've been coming on this site of 9 months since my girlfriend broke up with me and i've honestly never seen another post which fits what i've gone thru as much as this! She was 23, we'd been toghether well over 3 years and had not long moved in together when she left. I still think about it all after all this time.

 

I definitely agree with the sentiment of this post. "gig" break-ups are terribly difficult to get over and comprehend. Great post and i'm sure this has been helpful to many.

 

Bumping this back to the top!

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Al Turtle, I think it is, refers to this situation as 'romantic love' vs 'mature love'.

 

All relationships may/do begin with 'romantic love' but settle into 'mature love'. Does it then become a question of how much effort a couple put in while being in the stage of 'mature love' to ensure a spark always remains?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Here's my question. How can one decypher whether or not it's a case of the GIGS or if someone has deeper routed issues with committment and relationships alltogether?

 

My ex falls into the GIGS perfectly:

-Together 1.5 years.

-She's 24.

-Left me to be 'alone', so she claimed. Later, I found out that she had been sleeping with her boss (female) and her boss's boyfriend. Her boss is a raging alcoholic and adultress!

-Now, I find out that she's with another woman who is the complete opposite of what my ex is 'supposedly' attracted to.. Huh??

-Told me that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me anymore, blah blah.

-Wanted me to be in her life as her friend, etc.

-LIED to me about all of this and had I not been confronted by a friend, I would have never known any of this..

-She told me that the relationship got 'boring'..

 

I was in contact with her the entire 6 months we've been broken up b/c I believed she really was alone and was trying to be there for her as a friend. Now that I know the truth? I want NOTHING TO DO WITH HER..

 

I just have a hard time applying any rationale to this situation and that's where my original question stems from..

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Unbelievable. So similar!!

 

- Together 2.5 yrs

- We're both 20

- I was ready to settle down with her

- She was hanging with her work friends a lot and rarely texted or made an effort with me towards the end

- We were best friends and she told me all the time how much she loved me

- She actually says she likes someone else when she broke up with me. The guy she likes is 28 (8yrs older) and is her boss. Hes a bar manager. Dont drive, dont have any career prospects

- She said our relationship was too comfortable

- I find out shes seeing this guy a week after she broke up with me

 

All of the first post makes sense. But hopefully she will see the grass isnt greener. Because i didnt do anything to deserve this sort of breakup. We were best friends before we got together, so its strange how she can move on so quick. its been a month now since i last saw and spoke to her. I do want her back tbh!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Its been just over a month and a half since my ex broke with me for her boss and i dunno now if i want her back. Well at least i dont want the person she has turned into back! I do however want the old girlfriend back!! The one that told me she loved me everyday. Showed she cared and smiled everytime she saw me. But something i dont understand, is that leading upto the end, i did nothing wrong, always cuddled her, kissed her, and we hadnt argued for at least a month before we split. Hard for me to understand how she wanted to finish with me for her boss when all i did for her was love her and care for her. Yes i hope we get back together sometime down the line, but only because i believe we were meant to be together and i still love her!

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i have broken up with my gf of 3 years who i thought i would marry already knowing she is as compatible as i can ever get. i knew that we may be together someday when im ready for marriage and debated whether or not to give her hope. i decided not to because it isn't fair to her.

 

anyways ive been dating other people and im right, theres no one close to being as compatible but i am enjoying every minute of doing new things and just meeting new people. im only 25 now so i still have time before i finally settle down for the person i love for life.

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I broke up with my girlfriend on 1.5 years a week ago, although she had many qualities that I love, she was a very materliastic/egotistical/ and selfish woman who put herself above all. The clinching factor that broke us up, is that even though we are young (me - 25) - (her - 23), she never wants kids.

 

Even though there were hard times, there were many good times with long lasting memories. Its been 5 days but I miss her terribly, but know that this is good for my long-term happyness.

 

The other day she wrote a text message to my best friend "I hope he's ok, he's a great guy.. just not for me"... every since that message, i've been feeling angry as if she is trying to manipulate me for her vindication.

 

How do I move past this? I miss her and am trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel with my decision.

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Wow...I finally feel like I have some answers as to what happened with my relationship with my ex-boyfriend after reading the orginal post.

 

But what I am curious about....why do most of the people who break up due to this "syndrome" quickly turn to someone who they are not very compatible with? My ex did this, about a month after we broke up, he started "dating" one of my friends....and they seem like such an odd couple. Wouldn't they want to date someone that they atleast have something in common with?

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Wow...I finally feel like I have some answers as to what happened with my relationship with my ex-boyfriend after reading the orginal post.

 

But what I am curious about....why do most of the people who break up due to this "syndrome" quickly turn to someone who they are not very compatible with? My ex did this, about a month after we broke up, he started "dating" one of my friends....and they seem like such an odd couple. Wouldn't they want to date someone that they atleast have something in common with?

 

I have no idea. My ex-gf was dating another guy a week later and he is....ehhh. It's not really something we can rationally think about because there isn't anything rational about what they did *shrugs shoulders*

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Wow...I finally feel like I have some answers as to what happened with my relationship with my ex-boyfriend after reading the orginal post.

 

But what I am curious about....why do most of the people who break up due to this "syndrome" quickly turn to someone who they are not very compatible with? My ex did this, about a month after we broke up, he started "dating" one of my friends....and they seem like such an odd couple. Wouldn't they want to date someone that they atleast have something in common with?

 

as someone with GIGS its simply because they want to experience new things even if the relationship is worse. i have 1 life to experience as much as i can, and i won't be satisfying myself staying with the same person. however i also know that my ex in the end will be the most compatible which is why i was sending mixed signals about being together forever in the end..

 

i have started dating other people who i have no future with but at the same time am having a lot of fun. the difference is i once looked at relationships as more of a courtship, now i view them as experiencing new things.

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as someone with GIGS its simply because they want to experience new things even if the relationship is worse. i have 1 life to experience as much as i can, and i won't be satisfying myself staying with the same person. however i also know that my ex in the end will be the most compatible which is why i was sending mixed signals about being together forever in the end..

 

i have started dating other people who i have no future with but at the same time am having a lot of fun. the difference is i once looked at relationships as more of a courtship, now i view them as experiencing new things.

 

e-x-a-c-t-l-y.

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Wow...I finally feel like I have some answers as to what happened with my relationship with my ex-boyfriend after reading the orginal post.

 

But what I am curious about....why do most of the people who break up due to this "syndrome" quickly turn to someone who they are not very compatible with? My ex did this, about a month after we broke up, he started "dating" one of my friends....and they seem like such an odd couple. Wouldn't they want to date someone that they atleast have something in common with?

 

Just think of it this way...if your ex is willing to settle for second rate, then he is not a good match for you.

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hahaha, i'm reading some posts from guys on here that are saying how they left girls that are the most compatible they've had/will have but having fun dating before they settle down. i think its not a decision to take so lightly. i had a guy break up with me for the same reason 4 years ago [we were together almost 3 years]... guess who's still emailing?? its been 4 years, i moved on completely and want less than nothing to do with him.

i got an email about 3 months ago telling me that it was the biggest mistake of his life and that he thinks about me all the time. i was pretty shocked to get it, i almost felt bad for him because he's no spring chicken anymore...he's probably 31 now. so... for all you guys that think being single and hooking up with randoms is so great - sure its fun for a year or two. but having 'lots of time to settle' isn't necessarily how things work out, sometimes you don't find that awesome replacement and then you're stuck with regret and/or settling for something less than what you had. i don't have time for gigs, and obviously its not as glamorous being single as he thought it would be.

of course you have to follow your heart and make yourself happy first, i'm just saying that be really careful when you walk away from love - it isn't always so easy to come by. i find that people don't always realize how much they care about someone till that person is out of the lives for a time. just my experience.

hope everyone is doing well over the holidays!

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hahaha! you're right 31 isn't very old... what i meant was more like when he broke up with me he was in his mid/late 20s thinking the world was full of easy super models who would all adore him. i think when you get into your 30s your needs change. i think maybe he thought he would have found someone by now and what i meant was i thought he would have found someone else by 31 too. thats a long time to sow wild oats and then end up with nothing to show for it.

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wow just wow..............

 

So some of you dumped the person you were most compatible with, a person that you said I love you to, a person you said you wanted to spend the right of your life with just so you can go and test waters?! You obvious have no clue what love is and lied right their face time and time again! I hope you don't expect them to come back to you after your done being selfish and immature. Do you even care that you probably broke there heart while you go out and "have fun" When you try to settle down and grow up I really hope you find a good partner............

 

Some people only care about themselves. To the people on this forum who actually have hearts. You know what to watch out for.

 

I'm sorry if I came off crude but you people have no clue how much this hurts the dumper, but then again you don't care so *shrug*

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You are absolutely right. People who dump wonderful partners because they want to test drive others often find out over time that the others are not nearly as special.

 

By the way, if 31 is considered no spring chicken, at my age I must be ready for slaughter! LOL.

 

wow just wow..............

 

So some of you dumped the person you were most compatible with, a person that you said I love you to, a person you said you wanted to spend the right of your life with just so you can go and test waters?! You obvious have no clue what love is and lied right their face time and time again! I hope you don't expect them to come back to you after your done being selfish and immature. Do you even care that you probably broke there heart while you go out and "have fun" When you try to settle down and grow up I really hope you find a good partner............

 

Some people only care about themselves. To the people on this forum who actually have hearts. You know what to watch out for.

 

I'm sorry if I came off crude but you people have no clue how much this hurts the dumper, but then again you don't care so *shrug*

 

okok first off you are mixing up what GIGS really is. it isn't your run of the mill 'dumping someone for someone better' thing.

 

keep in mind i said that people who dump the person they are most compatible with KNOW that they are doing so and do not expect to find anyone better. i dumped my gf not to 'test waters' but to simply experience different things. i believe this is why the OP said that the dumpers are just as confused as the dumpees and have no real answers to the reason for the breakup as there is simply nothing wrong with the relationship.

 

i had the perfect relationship but didn't want to stay in it and im happy that im out of it. GIGS does NOT apply to most situations, do not confuse a normal breakup or someone dumping someone for someone better because that is not the case. i never had anyone in mind and actually preferred to be alone.

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.............ok, I'll bow out on that note.

 

thats why the OP says the dumper and dumpee are both confused and no one is to blame. if i dumped my gf for another girl i would never deserve my ex back ever.

 

its really hard to explain. i really wish i didn't think this way, its depressing to be with the person you think is the one and still not be happy. i can't force myself to be happy.

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thats why the OP says the dumper and dumpee are both confused and no one is to blame. if i dumped my gf for another girl i would never deserve my ex back ever.

 

its really hard to explain. i really wish i didn't think this way, its depressing to be with the person you think is the one and still not be happy. i can't force myself to be happy.

 

Being happy is not a state of mind. It is an emotional reaction to what you perceive your life situation to be at that time. Like any other emotion (including unhappiness), it dissipates almost as soon as you experience it. You can keep creating it over and over again. Repetition does create pathways in the brain to make this process easier each time.

 

The same with unpleasant emotions. To me, it is a cognitive decison. It is a choice. You choose how to view your life as it is right now. You can always re-train yourself to react differently to the stimilus you receive.

 

If we believe that other people "create" our emotions and are not produced in reaction to our mind's interpretation of our situation, then we may never be take responsibility for our thoughts, actions, and emotional reactions.

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thats why the OP says the dumper and dumpee are both confused and no one is to blame. if i dumped my gf for another girl i would never deserve my ex back ever.

 

its really hard to explain. i really wish i didn't think this way, its depressing to be with the person you think is the one and still not be happy. i can't force myself to be happy.

 

That must really hurt. I hear you.

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  • kamurj changed the title to "The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

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