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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


Mayday11

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brazilgal

i did read the whole story here but i guess you were the dumper in this case???

i just want to no what were you thinking when you dump him did he become unatractive comepare to some one you like one??

 

how do you know he dumped the other? (gal to your quetion)

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I was single for about 5-6 months! Been 1 year now. We "thought" about getting back together and were semi-together for these remaining 6 months. At one point, he was certain it was me and dumped the girl, now he's back with the girl. He's been with the other girl only 1-2 months all the while talking/being with me. I wonder why he chose to try with her instead of me, who he was with for 3 years. I guess it's his "GIGS" time. It just really messed with my head to a point where I'm so depressed/anxious that I don't even care about them. I just want to get better.

 

I expect he is enjoying all this female attention after being dumped. He's suddenly thinking he's not such a bad guy afterall.

 

All the time you are feeding his ego - he will not take any of this seriously so you're best off leaving it and letting him come round to you if that's what he really wants.

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When I read this thread again makes me think more and more. Being a dumpee, I honestly have little sympathy for the dumper's in this thread. I don't see you guys/gals as less of a person nor do I have less respect for you. Its just kinda annoys me to see you guys/gals posting and telling the dumpee's in this thread to give their dumpers another chance, when they need to heal and move on with their lives.

 

It's life. In life there are choices, those choices come with consequences. I say that A LOT! What the dumpers need to realize is that what what happened hurts the dumpee more that you could possible know. At the time you dont care because you think your getting what you want. Then expect us to give you another chance when you realize how good your ex's where to you? Whats to say that you wont up and leave again if they take you back? You see, the trust gets ruined. With out trust, a relationship has no foundation.

 

I understand that you didn't know what you wanted and you wanted to know if there was something better out there. But ur ex didn't, They knew what they wanted, YOU! They believed in there hearts that you where best person alive, there was no one better, hands down......then you left for someone else without any reason what so ever.

 

Do you see know way it leaves the dumpee so bitter? Do see why if they do take you back the relationship fails? Any hopes of having a good relationship is ruined when you leave due to G.I.G.S. Maybe now you'll learn to love and appreciate what you have, instead throwing it away in search of something "better", then missing them and regretting ditching them years down the road. You live your learn.

 

Dumpee's: Move on, your ex is unsure of themselves therefore unsure if they want you. Time to find someone that appreciates who you and what they have. It hurts I know but life gets better. Trust me

 

Dumper's: Everyone makes mistakes, that is true, but your doing more harm the good trying to contact your ex's to rekindle a relationship. Leave them alone and move with your lives, because by the time you realize what you have done, they have already healed and moved on. Don't pick at their scars please, They wont come back if you keep hurting them over and over. If its truly meant to be leave them be and and they'll come back to you. Just as I told the dumpee's realize your mistakes learn from them and start a new with your new knowledge and respect for your new/old boyfriend/girlfriend

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I am a dumper with GIGS. I quickly realized I had made a huge mistake. It's been a little over two months, and the whole time I've been a wreck. I'm having feelings as if I'm the one who was dumped! Within a month after the break-up she entered into a new, exclusive relationship. We talked last night, and she said that she still loves and cares for me, and her new relationship is not closure, but actually a distraction. I told her I wanted to be with her, but she said absolutely not, at least not in the short-term, because I have absolutely dissolved all trust.

 

Our relationship was extremely healthy and loving, and instead of working out any feelings I was having with her, I broke up with her on a whim, which was a huge mistake. I see the rebuilding of trust as the crucial step in reconciliation. Are there any ENA-ers out there that have had trust rebuilt at some future point after the break-up? Is it even possible?

 

Thanks.

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very well put... i feel better about my situation. i know my ex and i have a strong bond and i hope that will help us but i'm trying , as much as possible, to not hold by breathe. its real heard right now though because i can't just leave and be independent. i sold my car along with a lot of other things to make her happy (so currently carless), and i have no place to stay, and we have a child together. i really wish i could just be out of her life completely, it would be better for me and her. working on it though, looking for a car and looking for places (unfortunelty we have a lease we can't afford to break).

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I have found myself becoming a commitmentphobe. And like commented when reading about the topic, the ironic thing is a commitmentphobe wants what their scared of.

 

As i have posted on this site before. I dated a great girl for a bit over a year. She was attractive, funny & kind. She had a great balance between being silly and being mature. She was amazing in the bedroom. On top of this she had a decent paid job and nice apartment so she was financially secure. She looked after me and made me feel special. I knew she would make a great wife. I knew she would make an excellent mum. She was everything I could want...

 

Well, I had issues. She was nearly 8 years older and this worried me. Going through a quarter life crisis in which one of my sympthoms is suddenly feeling "older" it didnt help being involved with someone so much older. That lovely phrase "your only as old as the women you feel", great! This really pressured me and thoughts of earlier than planned marriage and kids popped into my head. Was I ready?

 

And so that great thought as the title of the thread suggests was playing on my mind. I hadent had many girlfriends. I hadent really experience many relationships. In fact this girl was the first proper relationship (something that lasted more than couple of months). I wanted to experience more relationships, wanted to get bit more life experience. How can i know im with the right person if i have nothing to base it against? Who is to say if i get with her I wont meet someone else who is even more perfect for me tomorrow, next week, next year?

 

She had already had 6 long term boyfriends, she had had experience, she had other long term boyfriends to judge me against and she was content and "loved" me. She was at a perfect age to settle to, early 30's, secure home, secure job, finicially sound, a good load of life experience and relationship experience behind her. She found me physically attractive and enjoyed my personailty. We were VERY compatitable in the bedroom. And despite me not being totally financially secure she didnt have to worry about that because she was. And she got to have a younger man in her life that suited her. Without sounding arrogant I was perfect for her. And vice versa if i was in her position and I came accross her in her early 20's she would of been perfect for me to, I truly think this.

 

For months I was going almost insane trying to decide what to do, to commit myself or bail out. 24/7 thats all i could pretty much think of chaning my mind every 2 mins. It was killing me. I gave up in the end and called it a day. I couldnt seem to make up my mind and I didnt want to keep dragging her along unless I was more certain. These are impoirtant years of her life, I had to back off if i couldnt commit.

 

Luckily we have remaind friends (as much as you can after ending a relationship). I think the fact she knows I care about her loads and made it quite obvious it was me with the issues and she didnt do anything wrong helped her to still give me the time of day. Its now a year on. She is dating others and im happy for her.

 

The problem for me now is that even now I still think about her all the time and question if i made the right choice. I still feel there's a chance that if i asked for her back she would take me as I know she has feelings for me but I cant. Im still unsure what i want. I've been playing the field having fun but feel unsatisfied. Im trying to start new relationships but it isnt going great yet and I dont think its helped by me thinking of my ex loads. I still feel I can find someone else though and this keeps me going, however what happens if the same problem happens with the new girl?

 

So if its any consolation to the dumpees, irionically in my life the hardest break up ultimately has been when I have been the dumper. My two previous girlfriends (not that i went out with them long) had called it a day with me because I was too young for them. When they dumped me it hurt like hell! The first one more than the second one. But that was it! Very painful for a few months. But then I realised there was nothing I could do about it so i learnt to live with it and moved on. But now i have been the dumper to a girl I cared about a lot. I live with the guilt of hurting her, and with the ever pondering question "Did I do the right thing?", which I just cannot answer and im always feeling im running out of time if the answer was ultimately "no!"

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I still feel I can find someone else though and this keeps me going, however what happens if the same problem happens with the new girl?

 

"

 

if you are early 20's with limited relationships under your belt, it's way too young to label yourself a commitmephobe. If you have a pattern of being in and out of relationships and sabotaging relationships over a period of time, then yes, you need to start asking questions about your own fears of intimacy/commitment. But it's natural to question an 8 year age gap with a woman who is in her 30's who will naturally want to have kids sooner rather than later.

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The gigs syndrome is what I've been through twice already with my on/off gf of two years. This is the third time -- and it's easier to deal with now, though it still hurts like hell. Anxiety levels through the roof!

 

Difference is we're both 34. However, this has been her pattern since her early 20s. I guess I'm the only guy to have stuck around to reconcile with her.

 

Yes, she's commitmentphobic, yet she wants to marry. But I think she's addicted to the newness of relationships; the first flush. As soon as it settles down and becomes "real" she gets itchy feet. When we've gotten back together the freshness returns.

 

She expects too much. The silly arguments natural to an establshed relationship rile her, even though in hindsight, if I feel I was wrong, I make it a point to apologize

 

I'm due to take her to my home town for my brothers wedding in two weeks. Now she wants space -- again!

 

Any chance that she/we can break this pattern?

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I screwed up... I broke NC yesterday.. well I have been... and he calls me and wants to come over...

 

I say ok.. well i think he just wanted sex.. we had a good time though...he said he wasn't using me... and that he missed me and that he has been depressed... but i am feeling used....

right now... he wont answer his phone now... I should of known since the only time he has called ME was when his phone broke and then now when he wanted to get laid.

 

its so weird cause weve been doing this for months before he broke up with me.... not till after hes broken up with me have I felt used after he left.... Welll... these last few months though I have noticed he has put less and less and less effort into this... and I can tell by his mannerisms... that he just is not as invested in it anymore... i think that is were I feel the difference...

 

I know i should just stop.. this is only hurting me. more and more...

 

 

 

what does he care about hurting me??? after all that though..

o i feel like I am going in circles and circles..

 

any progress I had made with NC thus far I think I have ruined..

 

OK start over... Day one of NC/LC

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SO he texted me today and said that he left his phone at home last night... and I called him this afternoon and we talked... for a sec he was hanging out at his looser friends house. I asked him if he was using me and he was like no, quite sincerely. He has been depressed... about us... I think it was sinking in this week hence probably what promoted him to hang out with me this week.

But now that I have hung out with him .. I am sure he no longer misses me.. and hence... I have pushed him away farther...

 

 

I dont know what too do.. I dont know how to go forward....

 

Move closer .. move farther away.. I dont know.. I dont know what tactic...

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  • 2 weeks later...

What about when an ex says they detached themselves from you while ago?

 

Less than two months after the break up she is already with someone else, although I knew he was waiting in the wings since the beginning of our break up, if not before.

 

We are both 22 years old and had a six year relationship. I started drinking a lot the last several months of our relationship making it quite rocky. However, I have been sober since the breakup and she knows this (over 3 months).

 

She was still saying I love you up until the breakup. When break up she gave me the whole I love you and care about you but I'm not in love with you.

 

She hasn't been single for over two months in almost 8 years.

 

Mixed signals as well. She initially said she needed to be alone and that she was working on herself. Then she said she is not planning on dating or anything but is working on friendships. She continues on to say that she hopes I am doing the same and that she would like to be friends. I refuse to stay friends so that I can move on. Down the road I asked her if she was seeing anyone and she says yes and told me how this new guy treats her "unbelievably well" and that she doesn't see us being together in the near future. A month earlier her exact words were, "It's not that I don't want to give us another chance, it's just that I'm not ready to do that yet?"

 

What do you think? GIGS or genuine?

 

I am NOT taking her back. And if I did consider it, there are some conditions that must be met in order to try again. Thanks

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this does sound like my ex too. But then again, he's a guy. He didn't really know why he was breaking up with me and came up with all kinds of excuses to say that it can't work out. Totally seemed like that he was trying to convince himself that this was the right thing to do but didn't exactly know why. We loved eachother very much. I can kind of see it that he wanted out because he wanted to play the field as we are both 22 and he felt like he hasn't gotten enough a ss yet. I asked if theres a chance that well be together in the future and he said maybe but we have to get over this one first...

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Wow. That explains it all.

Wish I had found this thread sooner.

I'm laughing at this line: They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

 

I've gone NC/LC.

I think in most scenarios they'll realize that the grass is uglier on the other side...an ugly burnt brown, but by then we would have moved on/not enough trust to feel like it's worth another shot.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I've gone NC/LC.

I think in most scenarios they'll realize that the grass is uglier on the other side...an ugly burnt brown, but by then we would have moved on/not enough trust to feel like it's worth another shot.

 

You'e absolutely right. The irony is the day you let go and feel next to nothing for your ex, they usually come back.

 

We've just been unfortunate to meet someone that really isn't ready for a full relationship.

 

However, this is a great learning opportunity for the dumpee as it creates a strong catalyst for growth, and as for the dumper they too learn about letting go of something they love for the sake of greener grass. A good lesson in growing up.

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My situation is kind of interesting. My ex ended things last weekend...yet she was NOT the one who had the "GIG" syndrome. I did. Like you describe in your thread, it came out of nowhere....6 months after we were engaged. It caused me to have cold feet about the marriage and I expressed these feelings to my fiance. It pushed her away. My actions kept pushing her away to the point where she called off the wedding.

 

These GIG feelings subsided rather quickly and I realized that I really did want to make this committment to her and be with her, but she was still so hurt and couldn't let the past go. I never once told her I wasn't in love with her and didn't want to be with her. All I told her was things like "I am nervous about the wedding".."Maybe we should postpone", "I feel stressed living together", "I felt kind of pressured in getting married". But I wanted to stay in the relationship and work things out.

 

We started going to therapy and I thought things seemed fine, but then she calls things off this past weekend and says she doesn't love me the way she used to and that things don't feel right anymore. So maybe it is now her who has the "GIGS"?

 

I keep blaming myself for the breakup, so my question is...did the my GIG feelings cause this breakup? I am constantly blaming myself. Other women out there, how would you have handled this? If your ex and you were engaged and he got cold feet and started acting distant, but still wanted things to work out, still loved you, and wanted to be with you, how would you react?

 

I wish my fiance could of let go of my past feelings and trusted me when I said I didn't have cold feet anymore and wanted to work it out. I feel like if she really wanted to be with me, she would have wanted to work it out like I wanted to.

 

She has a hard time letting go of the past, so maybe she was scared I would do the same thing again.

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Brilliant!

 

Originated critical debate as intended.

 

NC, NC and more NC for most situations, unless you are AT LEAST 40 and have experienced AT LEAST 10 relationships, progressively and with a will (and ego) strong enough to strike out by yourself and understand you are REALLY worth much more than the failed dumpers/dumpees believe.

 

Happy Friday nights my friends xx

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I was going out with a girl when she was 18 and i was 25,going out for 4 and a half years.

 

 

 

im 30 now and she is 23 we moved to the city 5 months ago and she hit me with it last month i want to break up..gutted i was

 

she said she feels she has missed out on somethings and she has changed.partying and drinking everyweekend she is now.

 

i read the op and it sounds exactly like it gigs.im in NC at the moment just to see if she will contact me but im getting on with my own life

 

its so horrible when you love the person and they just ignore you like your dead to them

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wow, i just read this post and I feel like I am in this very situation. Though luckily she is not out dating new people, she definitely is exhibiting many of these signs and has not only given me very little reason as to why our relationship ended (which was a great one and was approaching 2 years) but her friends all seem to say the same things - that she is confused/doesnt know what she wants, and that she didn't give us a fair chance.

 

I have decided recently to completely switch 'tactics' and rather than wanting to talk to her often to figure out why and what was going on, I have decided I am going to completely disappear from her life, including talking to her friends so she has no updates on me whatsoever. I've made my feelings very clear to her, and have re-iterated them to her friends so they know I still love her and that I am not mad since she seems to be so confused about everything in her life right now. I also know she cannot imagine her life without me, and I her .. so it seems like just a matter of time that she will contact me. I hope.

 

Thanks for your post, it's just nice to know that other people have experienced this to.

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great post Cen think ill do the same as you,i have been in contact now and again with her but now im going to do NC from now on,see if she contacts me im going to stop running around after her now

 

thanks sfits. Sorry you've found yourself in the same situation. I've heard a few stories of couples that have gone through this (who are now married & have kids actually), and the common theme I've noticed is that all the talking and communication seemed to do more damage - or at least lengthen the process, but once the dumpee pulled away and stopped communication the other person slowly came back around. Plus if nothing else it helps to give yourself back that control by stepping away and focusing on yourself in the meantime... as hard as it can be at times.

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