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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


Mayday11
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No contact is the way to go. I wish I would've listened to a lot of people before I pushed her further away from chasing. Chasing just made my ex go from "we'll be together again someday" to "I don't think we'll ever get back together". I had all those things two after she broke up with me, all the kissing saying we'll be okay. Just do the No Contact. I never had this world of hurt before, you did, so hopefully your experience will be better than mine.

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@Mrbrightside

 

Your woman currently has some issues she needs to solve, I can't tell you what issues but I'm sure there's something. What I learned from reading all over the Internet and my own experience is that trying to change her mind won't work and even if it works and she comes back it's only temporary. These women/girls never really told us what was wrong in our relationships and then they suddenly dump us out of the blue.

 

I don't want to make you feel bad but I keep telling people this: People will most likely lie to you after you've been dumped. If they tell you they don't love you it's most likely BS but the same thing goes for all other questions like "Is there someone else", "Do you want to get back together in the future?" etc. you cannot really trust anything they say even if you trusted them 100% before.

 

It's your decision whether to try and find out why she left you but the truth might not be something you want to hear. Ignorance is bliss. I was determined to find out why my ex dumped me and found out she wanted to date a colleague, maybe your ex wants to be single for a while I don't know.

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Kehv brings a very good point. Mine also told me she wanted the life of being single and free. Found out two weeks after that she already had her sights set on someone else. So who's to say that wasn't her agenda from the beginning but didn't want to hurt me. Or maybe she was afraid to what I would do or say. Who knows, only they know what's really going on and we'll never really know the 100% truth.

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So as you know I decided to ignore my ex's message on Whatsapp. She still had this picture of herself and I was just thinking to myself "Would she change that picture to a picture with him?" (I've blocked her on facebook so I never saw any picture of them together). Sooo you've guessed it, that's exactly what she has done now. I must say it hurts.... I knew I should've had blocked her there aswell... but the timing is pretty odd again, don't you think ?

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  • 4 months later...

I know this is an old thread, but maybe someone can tell me if they think my scenario was GIGS. I was dumped by my boyfriend of a year, thought everything was going great until one day he said he thought we should stop seeing each other 3 weeks after moving in together. He said he needed to work on some things in his life on his own and told me not to lose hope. He also said he wasn't going to be dating anyone else. Days later he told me I should try to move on in case he doesn't come back. We talked about the breakup several times and each time I got a different answer as to why he felt like we couldn't work. Ranging from I don't want to go out enough, I didn't open up enough, and the lovely "I love you, I'm just not in love with you" line. A week after the breakup I overheard him talking to a girl on the phone, typical getting to know each other stuff. After a couple weeks (still living together) he told me he wanted to fall back in love with me and we spent 3 days together before he totally went cold. Realized a week later he was still talking to this other girl. He continued to tell me he didn't want to date anyone and said the door for us wasn't fully closed in the future. A month after the breakup I found out that he was then in a relationship with this other girl, which then I told him to get his stuff and move out. When I asked why we couldn't have worked things out he said 'Maybe there's something better out there for me." My issue in the relationship was that I'm not really an affectionate girl and he's very affection driven. He may have thought I didn't care as much with my lack of affection towards him and I also gained weight and had issues with him seeing and touching my body. Anyway, he's been with this other girl for 3 months now and I believe they're still happy. They were saying I love you on facebook within 3 weeks together, to which I unfollowed him because I didn't want to see it. She's very needy, clingy, and affectionate so he's probably eating it up. Does anyone think this is a GIGS scenario & think maybe he'll come around someday? I'd be open to working it out, but I'm not sitting around waiting either. I'm doing me, fixing myself, improving myself and trying to be better for the next guy or him if he comes back.

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  • 7 months later...

I feel this is exactly what I have.

 

- Relationship 3 years was so good perfect we planned so many things, went travelling and was in love

- She went to uni and broke up with me a few months in early Novemeber.

- Told me she loved me but wanted space she kept saying she knew we would get back togther in the future.

- She cried and kept kissing me on the break up

- We met up just once, this was a Month after just before Xmas and she said he would like to be friends I said no but if you want to work things out let me know (Havent spoke since)

- We have rarey spoke since break up maybe 5 texts in total

 

- I have recently found out by mutural freind that she has been sleeping with her flat mate at her uni halls, looks like they are about to go into a relationship (If they already havent)

 

I was doing so well untill I heard the above news yesterday. I can imagine its been going on for a while and its really set me back I have been working on myself gone gym and now have a new job. I have got to stage where I dont even want to get back with here, just want to be over it.

 

Any ideas it hurts when someone you have been with for 3 years and they was so nice and honest be so cold and different as she is a girl who you would think would never do this !

I know flat mate relationships at uni are known not to last, being with her I know this new guy will get sick of being around 24/7.

 

Just any advice I feel like Im fresh out of the break up again !

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I feel this is exactly what I have.

 

- Relationship 3 years was so good perfect we planned so many things, went travelling and was in love

- She went to uni and broke up with me a few months in early Novemeber.

- Told me she loved me but wanted space she kept saying she knew we would get back togther in the future.

- She cried and kept kissing me on the break up

- We met up just once, this was a Month after just before Xmas and she said he would like to be friends I said no but if you want to work things out let me know (Havent spoke since)

- We have rarey spoke since break up maybe 5 texts in total

 

- I have recently found out by mutural freind that she has been sleeping with her flat mate at her uni halls, looks like they are about to go into a relationship (If they already havent)

 

I was doing so well untill I heard the above news yesterday. I can imagine its been going on for a while and its really set me back I have been working on myself gone gym and now have a new job. I have got to stage where I dont even want to get back with here, just want to be over it.

 

Any ideas it hurts when someone you have been with for 3 years and they was so nice and honest be so cold and different as she is a girl who you would think would never do this !

I know flat mate relationships at uni are known not to last, being with her I know this new guy will get sick of being around 24/7.

 

Just any advice I feel like Im fresh out of the break up again !

 

Wow, it has been over a year since I last replied here..

 

Anyways, I feel sorry for you. It's what happened to me (1,5 years ago). I know it's hard and I know you want her back otherwise you wouldn't be here.

 

In my case my ex never came back to me, she seems happy with the guy she left me for. The thing is, you just don't know what will happen in the future, she might come crawling back or she might stay with him for a while and then move on to someone else, you never know but even if she decides she wants you back you simply don't want/need a girl like that who could just leave you any minute, it's not worth the trouble. Ofcourse, right now you will think she is worth it, believe me she is not.

 

Whatever happens in the future you should realise this relationship is over.

 

The best way to get over her (looking back on my situation) is to try to go on with your life. The happier you are as a person, the easier it is to get over her. Go do some hobby's/sports or other activities to get your mind off, go try and date other (better than your ex) women if you feel like is. Use this time to make her show you are the better choice and hopefully she wants you back someday so you can laugh in her face.

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  • 3 months later...

I'm so glad I found this/this thread is still active! It sounds just like you're talking about my relationship (except we're a bit older, he's 30, I'm 27).

 

- We were together for 3.5 years and broke up over after a small argument, he said it would have happened anyways but all the usual- I love you but not in love with you, I just feel like I can't make you happy anymore, I'm just not happy

- It was completely out of no where, literally a few hours after telling me he loved me - he gave no signs

- As of now he can't see us being together, he doesn't want to get my hopes up, but who can predict the future

- Entered a new relationship a week later (he said when we broke up that he maybe had a crush on another girl - who's 6 years younger than him - but that he didn't know)

 

The thing is, he went right from high school to undergrad to masters and to PhD. So he's never had a break. He started going out until 5 in the morning to clubs since he's been there, etc.

 

We broke up 7 weeks ago and since he's taken a leave of absence from school (he was finishing up his PhD) and has decided to stay in Europe for another year (he has been there for the last 6 months for school) to figure out what he wants to do and be with this girl.

 

I stayed in contact for the first 6 weeks, doing all the wrong things you had mentioned but have been complete NC for the last week. I hope not too late.

 

It's a terrible place to be in. I feel heartbroken and sad, but also so angry at him for doing this to me, hate for this new girl, hope that he will realize that the grass isn't greener and that he misses me and wants to come back. I want him to be happy and figure out what he wants but also I want him to come back to me which won't happen if he's happy with her. There's so many complicated emotions I don't know what I'm doing.

 

I know everyone says just focus on yourself, get over it, if it's meant to be it will be etc. But it's not as easy as that is it? It's not like I've never thought of just 'getting over it.' I deleted him off Facebook weeks ago, I've deleted him number, but I still miss him and hope that he'll wake up and realize that the grass isn't greener - though lets be honest how can I compete with Europe and younger girl - the grass probably is greener when you live by the Mediterranean and are with a younger European girl.

 

Anyways I'm just rambling now. I just don't know what I'm doing. Do you think there's a chance we could get back together?

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  • 11 months later...

This page has helped me a lot I’m 32 and he’s 37 I was in a long term relationship for 5 years and engaged got a house togther last Feb and even a dog last June we’ve never gone through any rough patches just always got on. He would often tell me how much he loves me and looking forward to our future togther. Even told his mum how lucky he was to have found me. He was the one who was keen to get engagement as he was even the main wedding organiser. Our friends (2 couples) wanted to go skiing earlier this year but I opted out due to saving for the wedding and looking after the dog plus not massive fan anyway. One of our friends decided to bring their recently divorced best friend along to the holiday instead. I wasn’t thrilled but 100% trusted him as had no reason not to he wasn’t a ladies man and after all we’d just bought a car togther and planning a wedding and super happy. We were in contact through the holiday and telling me he loved me etc but when I picked him up from the airport he was fine but a bit grumpy. I put this down to travelling. It was valentines and he cooked my favourite meal bought me flowers but was a bit distracted I asked him if he was okay and he said fine but continued to be a bit distracted. 7 days passed and I had a feeling in my stomach so I asked him honestly what was wrong then a admitted he fancied this person and “couldn’t stop thinking about her as she was hot” I was heartbroken - friends told me they flirted on holiday and warned him it wouldnt be happening if I was there etc (she threw herself at him) he assured me nothing happened and even said he wished it had as these feelings were not logical in his head. I moved out to stay with friends but since found out he’s went up to see her 2 weeks later (she lives 3hrs away!) 4 weeks later he took her to a wedding we were supposed to be to be going to. His/our friends and family are completely shocked and no one saw this coming as we were the perfect couple! It’s been 2.5 months now and doing my best to move on she’s just a direct replacement of me! And completely opposite to what he likes - it’s gut wrenching. He’s thrown everything away for a holiday romance he is desperately trying to make work - surely it can’t last once honeymoon period is over?!

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's just amazing how much I needed this. I just got dumped from what I thought was an amazing relationship after 4.5 years and I'm almost certain it was this type of situation. Thankfully it's only been a month and I'm realizing I'm better off now. Of course it still hurts like hell but I'm very optimistic.

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  • 6 months later...

Thank you all for telling your stories, they've helped me quite a bit. At the same time they've given me hope we'd get back together, but at the same time despair that we won't, and oddly enough, I really don't want anymore hope. I want to move on, but at the same time I guess I want to move on so that she'd come back. It's a really bad place to be and it's not easy to let go. Gut wrenching really. I hope sharing my story helps me move forward.

 

I'm 31, she's 29 soon. We were together for bit over 5 years (seems to be very common number here), engaged for about 10 months. I'm pretty sure we both were very happy, and she said many times this is the best relationship she's ever been in. We hadn't had any big problems in our relationship (again, common), fights were rare, problems were that I have low career drive, I took the relationship slow and that we didn't agree on an apartment she fell in love with (dissapointed her greatly, but still theres other places). I don't see these as unfixable. The whole mess started when I got back from a week long trip, she told me that she didn't miss me at all during this time. I didn't find it so odd cause I didn't really miss her either when she was away month before, I loved her and I knew she'd come back so I was enjoying my own time. But then she told me she had a crush for a coworker she doesn't even really know(it's almost always the coworker) and that she feels SHE HAS A CHANCE WITH HIM. I couldn't quite understand how you could tell your significant other that you think have a chance to pursue another relationship as if you were talking to your best friend. We talked things out but the whole thing kept eating me inside, and the next day I told her I feel I'm a backup. This inturn angered her, and a 2 week long hot n' cold began.

 

On good days we talked, laughed, were affectionate, she even send me a meme "when you find someone as weird as you" with two old people sitting in a dryer, talked about christmas presents. On bad days she stared at walls, didn't talk, jumped if I tried to touch. The hot and cold days pretty much followed each other. After 1 week she tried to break up with me, but 2 hours later took that back, stating that she felt she was running out of time with the coworker, and saying those words hurt alot, but wants to give me a real chance and that I have the better odds, but she can't promise anything. She says she's starting to get old, her breasts are starting to sack, she has wringles and cellulite, where as I look handsome and over time will even more, I found this very odd and that it seems as if she's in a hurry to find the perfect relationship, but why compliment me? Few days later she gives her engagement ring back cause it started to feel heavy, and few days after that she breaks up for good. She said that she had made her mind long before (yeah right) but couldn't commit to it (cause she has commitment issues), by her words she has been having to choose me over breaking up for about 6 months now, at the same time talking about marriage, maybe a baby somewhere along the way. I agree to the break up, and unfortunately agreed to be friends (which I'm going to rectify if and when she gets too chummy). I moved out back to my hometown cause I didn't have anyone back where we lived and didn't want to go thru this alone cause that might have turned out really bad. She cried her eyes out saying she can't handle this as I was leaving. She cried on days before moving, and almost to point of hyperventilating when she broke the engagement. Seemed that it was something really important to her and was horrible to lose it, but why toss it away then? She said she wanted a comfortable everyday life out of relationship, which she had, why toss it away? I believe she mistakes matured love as friendship and infatuation as love.

 

We agreed on 35 day no contact (currently day 25) and that I'd get in touch on her birthday, but I've decided to just keep going, let her reach out first, and if she's remorseful and understands what's going on, I might give her a chance as long as she's willing to talk things thru and gets help for her issue, be it gigs, age crisis or commitment problem. Unlike some others, I didn't beg and plead, I left as soon as I could, so I feel theres a sliver of hope. I did cry, and asked her to inform me if she changes her mind, which might work against me.

 

This seems like a pattern, she was with her ex a number of years but after engagement started to think about greener pastures, tho that time breaking up with her ex took couple of years, claiming she didn't really want to be in the relationship in the first place (should have seen this as a red flag), afterwards going crazy (her words) and embarking on string of one night stands and trying to steal someone elses boyfriend (maybe her gigs crush back then?). So seems engagement triggers this huge anxiety in her which is weird since she herself really pushed towards it, could be from her parents breaking up before getting married. For possible reconciling, I sure hope she doesn't go for another crazy phase.

 

I've spend my days trying to figure out what happened. She seems to live her life normally, and has added her crush as FB friend, so they seem to be getting closer. I'm going to start working on myself and getting my life back together soon. I gotta move on. I will either get her back all better or find someone who's better to begin with.

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  • kamurj changed the title to "The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

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