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Mayday11 last won the day on September 15 2008

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  1. The best way to get an ex back is to move on with your life and be happy with yourself. Really, that's it. While I haven't read any of these books, I'm sure they all boil down to that one simple sentence. People fretting over whether they should acknowledge the ex's birthday or not, whether they should call an ex back or not, whether they acted correctly around their ex when they saw them at the bar, whether they went NC quick enough, whether they begged and pleaded too much, whether they said the right things, etc., are focusing too much on rather minor details. Move on, be happy and enjoy your life and the chances of your ex wanting to be a part of it again are improved significantly.
  2. Fantastic insight, I understand what you're getting at now. That's the wonderful thing about this site, you and I have different experiences with these sorts of breakups, but when we put those experiences together we can really cover all the bases of this type of breakup. I think you've accurately described the reasons behind many people's onset of 'grass is greener syndrome'. It certainly makes sense. As I've said, from my experience with it (having been dumped by it more than once and seeing it happen to others from both sides), what you've mentioned isn't always the case. I've seen it strike people who did have the period of rebellion and partying already and then grow out of that phase and get into a steady, mature relationship. Then, I think they're struck by the syndrome not because they've never had the phase (as in your examples), but because they realize they're getting older and soon enough it will be impossible to have that sort of phase again. As if they're just not ready to fully jump into adulthood, so they live it up and party while they're still at a point in their lives where it's 'acceptable' to behave that way. It's not that they never got this partying and 'dating around' part in their life, it's that they're not completely and 100% ready to let go of it.
  3. I agree and disagree. I agree that accepting that there is a very real chance your ex will never be in your life romantically is very important. Nobody should wait around for an ex because you could very well be waiting forever. This goes for any breakup. Sometimes they go out and find out the grass is greener and they're happier in different company and with a different significant other. It surely does happen. I disagree with the "maturing and changing part". In my opinion, you would have a case if this sort of syndrome made a slacker suddenly start paying bills on time and landing a steady job. Or started doing their laundry and making sure they had gas in their car before spending their money on beer. These sorts of things are "maturing" and making positive changes in ones life that yield positive results. And when changes yield positive results, they tend to make those changes permanent. With the grass is greener syndrome, it usually seems to do the opposite. It usually tends to make rather well rounded and stable people regress in their maturity. Instead of making sure they get enough sleep for work the next day, they're out partying with friends. Instead of building up a foundation for a long lasting relationship, they jump from person to person for the fun of the honeymoon period. These are also not positive changes and because these changes will ultimately cause more strife in one's life, they're often eventually discarded. It's almost as if they realize that they're fast approaching the point in their lives where they need to grow up, so they decide to have one last 'hurrah' of young debauchery before doing so. Just my thoughts and thanks for your input. I was hoping this thread could be a sort of repository for all people's opinions on this sort of breakup and I'm pleased to see that's what it's become.
  4. That's not necessarily true. Remember, since all relationships are very unique, it's only possible to speak in generalities here. There are gray areas everywhere. And I'm sure they think of you.
  5. What's the use in worrying about it, though? You'll never know the answer just by thinking about it. Your time and mental energy can be better invested elsewhere, as hard as it may be.
  6. I'd hazard a guess and say that her sadness and guilty didn't magically disappear, but was simply swept under the rug of her new relationship.
  7. Not at all, that's actually the most mature and respectful way to handle the situation. Sure, the dumper might get angry or sad that you're not going to stick around as your friend. But, once they start to settle down after this phase and gain a bit of maturity themselves, they'll look back and realize just how much strength and maturity it took for you to do what you did. The reasons they'll often want you to hang around as a friend is because they still love you very much, still care for you and still want you to be a big part of their lives. Since the relationship itself was just fine, they see no reason why you guys can't just remain best of friends...while they go off and go crazy and hook up with other people. The problem with this route for the dumpee is, of course, the fact that it will emotionally drain you and turn you into a pathetic wet blanket in your ex's eyes. Being friends and sticking around will ultimately hurt your chances of reconciliation in the long run. Stepping back and giving them the time and space to do what they need to do and using this time very wisely to work on your own faults (even if they didn't effect the end of the relationship, everyone has faults!) is the right course of action.
  8. Thanks for your insight, roxy1234. My good friend dumped his girlfriend for these exact reasons years ago. After about a year, they did get back together and are now happily married. To this very day, he has difficulty verbalizing his reasons for the breakup. He says he was young, loved his girlfriend very much, but wasn't sure if he was supposed to be so committed and that he felt a yearning to see what else was out there. He almost sounds embarrassed talking about it, since today he's a very well rounded and level headed guy. It's a very confusing and painful type of breakup for everyone involved. While it hurts a lot for the dumpee, it also hurts a lot for the dumper and everyone needs to keep that in mind. After all, the relationship isn't ending due to it necessarily being a bad relationship, it's ending because of a reason the dumper can't quite put their finger on. A lot of the time, the dumper will almost think there is something wrong with them because there should be no reason for them to want to end a perfectly good relationship. But, there isn't anything wrong with them, this is simply a phase that some people go through. It's a phase that needs to be gone through, because if one just keeps putting it off and putting off, it'll eventually catch up to them. Another phrase I've heard from dumpers in these sorts of situations is "I guess it's better that it happened now instead of years from now" (which was a phrase that always confused me, because it implies that they could still see themselves still with you years from now. But, it's completely at home with the rest of this confusing breakup). Just hang in there, roxy1234. You do what you need to do to figure out who you are and who you want to be with. It will make your next relationship that much more complete, whether it's with someone new or your ex-fiancee. Good luck.
  9. I completely agree. While I personally have a more optimistic view on reconciliations that a lot of people around here, I'd also hate to feed people false hope. There are a lot of hurting people around here that will naturally tend to latch onto what they want to hear, rather than what they need to hear. Let me reiterate, as said above, that no one knows if an ex is going to come back in just about any situation. Sometimes they really are just gone forever. But, I did want to add that part in the opening post to make my experience (and the experience with others) on these types of relationships complete as possible for everyone. Compared to breakups due to incompatibilities, cheating, abuse, constant fighting, etc., these sorts of breakups tend to reconcile more often (not all the time). Most likely because these sorts of breakups often happen to couples that really do go well together and are compatible, the only reason for the breakup was one of the people wasn't quite mature enough to handle things getting serious. Once they reach the point where they're comfortable with that(which will naturally happen over time), they may realize that there's no real reason not to be together. But by that point, the damage is often already done, the trust has disintegrated and the dumpee has moved onto other things themselves.
  10. Yes, I remember your situation. It's one of the toughest ones I've seen around here. What I listed above is intended to be a general outline of things I've noticed about this sort of breakup. Because of this, there will always be plenty of exceptions here and there, due to the uniqueness of each relationship and the people involved within them. But, no matter what, the hurt and confusion remains the same.
  11. Yea, the majority of breakups I've had, I've been able to say "Yea, she was a great girl, but...(fill in reasons for never being able to really be a good match)." It's a tough pill to swallow, but once you reach a point where you can actually review the relationship with a clear head and realize that it wouldn't ever have worked out, the healing process kicks into overdrive. But, then there's the rare breakup where even after a period of reflection and review, you're still left scratching your head. Yea, I'm always a proponent of a period of NC at first and this is no different. This "I'm young and don't know what I want" thing can last months or years. No use in waiting around for a reconciliation. You just have to let things play out naturally for them while you get on with your life. After they start to settle down, they may come back to what they let go (you) if you gave them the space and time they needed. But, it's necessary to deal with the trust issues if reconciliation is going to happen. Being dumped out of the blue from a mostly good and loving relationship can do quite a bit to turn a level headed person into a paranoid partner.
  12. Hey, poloace, Thanks for your addition to the thread. I do respectfully disagree with what you've said, although your opinion on the matter is no less valid than anyone else's. The things I've listed have not been common things in the breakups that have happened to me and people I know. Let me explain. Well, sure, but there are usually identifiable reasons for the incompatibility and loss of love. Too much arguing brought about by personality conflicts or different goals in life, for example. In the majority of breakups, the dumper will usually tend to give off plenty of red flags and warning signs leading up to the breakup. These include not spending much time with you, not being available, not saying "I love you", a complete lack of intimacy, increased irritability with you, etc. My point here is that the warning signs don't exist at all, or they only show up a day or so before the breakup. If you're in a relationship with someone for years or have known someone for even longer, you'll have a pretty good idea of what sort of friends they have and what sort of social circles they tend to gravitate towards. So, yes, if you know someone well, you'll surely notice when they're keeping company with people that they normally wouldn't. In the majority of my breakups, after I had been dumped, the dumper would continue to live life as normal, hanging out with the same friends they had before. In these particular types of breakups, it's not uncommon to see the dumper go off and almost completely re-invent their social circle. ...which is usually what they'll actually say, in my experience. As much as it hurts, the breakups where the dumper actually says "It's not going to work out between us and that's that" have been more common to me and ultimately easier to come to terms with. Like I said, if you've been in a long term relationship with someone, you'll know them quite well. It's not too difficult to figure out what sort of person would be compatible with them and which ones would not. And yes, I've had exs move onto boyfriends that are much better for them than I was. In fact, just this weekend I was hanging out with an ex from years ago and her boyfriend. He's an awesome guy and they have a much better relationship than she and I did. The majority of breakups I've seen do not fit the description that I outlined. The majority of breakups on this site don't fit the description that I outlined. As I mentioned already, my opening post was put together from my personal experience and the experience of people I've known, so I'm certainly no authority on the matter. However, I have no reason to believe that this is not a unique type of breakup. Once again, thanks for the rebuttal.
  13. You really can't put a percentage on these sorts of things and I'd be misleading you if I did. But, in comparison to breakups that happen due to solid, identifiable incompatibilities, breakups that occur due to 'the grass is greener' syndrome seem to have a better chance of reconciliation from what I've seen. I imagine this is because once the 'phase' is over, the dumper realizes what the dumpee has known all along: that the relationship was actually a pretty good one and any problems with it could easily be dealt with. On top of that, since these sorts of breakups happen in long term relationships, there is already a pretty solid bond between the dumper and dumpee. Of course, I should remind everyone that this doesn't mean it will happen. I would feel terrible to give people false hope.
  14. That could be a part of it, but I think that sort of situation is almost a different type of breakup. I have a good friend who always seems to end a relationship once the 'honey moon' period ends (which is usually around a year for her). I wouldn't say she leaves them due to thinking the grass is greener, but rather because she has a strange outlook on love, in my opinion.
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