"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[Kehv]

Yes ofcourse we should not be ok with the things they have done however I still think they could have a second chance IF they come back and tell you they are sorry (and mean it!) and work for it. Still, you don't know when or if that will happen and if it happens you might have found someone else and moved on.

 

The reason why I think she could deserve another chance is because I have been in a similar situation 3 years ago. A colleague of mine told me she liked me and because she looked good I became interested in her and started to distance myself from my now ex. I became infatuated by this other girl and she kinda pressured me to break up with my gf, untill I found out this other girl was just playing with my emotions (she was a real manipulative one...) and I don't think she was actually interested in me but merely liked to toy with people.

So, the difference is I never physically cheated on my gf but I did emotionally cheat on her (having drinks with this other girl) and I never actually broke up with my gf. It did learn me that I really loved my now ex however I also wonder what would've happened if this other girl really was into me, I guess I might have dumped my gf and pursued this girl, even though my ex was way better.

 

Did that make me a bad guy? Personally, I don't think so. I've learned from the experience because after I came to my senses I realised my ex was the one I wanted and I never even looked at other girls anymore.

[fleshandbone]

Yeah. I've been trying to think really hard about what my x would have to say or do for me to feel I could trust him again. But, I do think I'd give him a chance, if he came back or if I hadn't moved on yet. But, like you said. He would have to admit he made a mistake, that he took our relationship for granted, and he'd have to let me know and show me that he really was committed to our relationship. No more cold feet, no more second guessing. But, there's just no telling if he'll ever come back, so I try not to think too much about it.

 

Since we live together, when he stays out (even though he tells me where he is), I always hope that maybe he'll come home and have changed his mind. But, even if that were to happen, he'd have to come home to an empty house first. And like you said, he'd have to be able to miss me.

 

I've never made myself available to another person or coworker, but I think everyone has thoughts about other people. Which I think is normal. We're just human, you can think someone is attractive and not act on it. But, that's the big difference. How you act on that thought. If you let it consume you and you open yourself up for something to happen, then you're heading down a slippery slope.

[fleshandbone]

And since writing that last reply many things have happened.

 

-My x came home and I confronted him about if he had been seeing that girl. He said they had lunch, and I said that if he is seeing her that he can not sleep in the bed with me. And then I asked why the girl would even be ok with him sleeping in the bed with his x, because that's just stupid. She's obviously dumb.

- He said that he made a mistake and apologized and said he would take the couch/floor in the living room. I have kinda claimed the bedroom for myself, but because I felt guilty (even though I shouldn't), I asked him if he wanted the bed and I would take the couch, because it's "his" apartment. Even though it's OUR apartment. I told him I didn't want him to think I was trying to be mean or difficult. And he said "No, you shouldn't feel guilty, it's fine, I'll take the couch" and then I gave him an extra pillow. I also told him that I wasn't trying to make him feel bad about living his life. Because I'm not, he just continues to give me new wounds.

- I also said that I understood that he said he didn't love me anymore, but that he continues to add more wounds by doing stuff like that. I specifically said as soon as he let me know he was interested in someone that if he was with her that he was NOT to sleep in the bed with me because it's incredibly disrespectful.

- I then asked if I had made him that unhappy in our relationship and he said no, and then I asked him if he was that unhappy in our relationship and he said no. But, the way he's acting so inconsiderate makes me question how he can even say "I still care about you". Because this is NOT what you do to people you say you care.

- And then I said that if I got the apartment I had applied for that I wouldn't be taking any of the dishes or housewares, only my own stuff. And he was like "I'm not worried about that, take everything if you want" and I just told him that I wasn't going to do that, and I was specifically trying to explain that to him. I don't want any of it. I want to start fresh. He can keep the memories. I don't want them. And I asked him what he was worried about and he said he didn't want to talk about it.

 

He really is turning into someone I just don't know, he was never this selfish or inconsiderate, EVER. This is the person that used to wrap my feet in the blanket, that told me he would find my soul if I got lost. The person who never let me down, who lifted me up and encouraged me. And it's like he doesn't realize he's doing all of this. Which just blows my mind. I don't even know why he's so determined to still be friends at this point. It's like he finds a way to hurt me even more deeply every time. And I know a lot of it has to do with our situation because we are still living together, but my god has he just become a total stranger.

 

At this point I'm so hurt, that I don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive him. But, this is all very fresh, it just happened like within the hour.

[fleshandbone]

I'm starting to think maybe he just flat out is just completely out of love with me. Even though a lot of what is happening lines up with a GIGS type scenario, he has a friend that is encouraging him by saying "life's too short", and indeed it is. . . I want him to be happy, and of course everyone deserves to find a love and relationship that makes them happy.

 

Which is why I just don't understand what he says. I ask if he was unhappy in the relationship, and he says "no", then what was the reason to break up? He said he had been talking to one of his friends when he started to feel unsure, and that he has been unsure for about a year now. We just moved 6 months ago, so if he was so unsure, he should have never agreed to move out here with me. We talked about it. So it just doesn't add up. Why would you move across the country with someone that you weren't even sure you wanted to be with. And yet he was still saying that he loved me just a week or so before the break up. He's not a liar, he wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it. Just nothing in my life is making sense right now.

 

Around that same time, about a year ago, is when we had casually ended up talking about marriage, but it just kind of popped up. No one said anything about actually getting married. I know around that time that his dad also called and asked if we were gonna have kids anytime to carry on the family name. We didn't want kids, but I know the conversation with his dad kinda freaked him out a little because it was the first time that he had been asked about it. I didn't put any thought into it until he started mentioning that he was unsure from around that time. So it kinda adds up.

 

If GIGS is caused by people getting cold-feet about commitment, then this could have started it. Which is so stupid. He willingly chose to look up houses on his own, he wanted to build us a container home. It was his own idea, not something I pushed. I constantly asked if what we were doing was what he wanted, and he always said yes. I always said I didn't want to make him feel like he was getting dragged along, and if it wasn't what he wanted to let me know. We were always so honest with each other that I had no reason to not take him at his word. He wanted to get a puppy. We moved across the country. . . we were still saying I love you. We were still being intimate, we were still holding hands, sitting close to one another, he'd shower me with affection when I was having a rough week at work. He was still kissing me goodnight, covering me with blankets, falling asleep in my arms.

 

And then like a lightening bolt. It all comes to a halt.

 

Maybe our breakup is just hard because we live together. Maybe I wouldn't be so hurt if I had been able to initiate NC immediately, because I wouldn't have to see him actively doing things. So maybe that's why everything seems so severe. Because I have to be a witness to the person I was ready to grow old with, actively unravel me from their life. As if I was never hear. "Life's too short" he said to his friend. . . . but, I never imagined a life without him. And now I have to watch him and hear him say these things to his friends. He speaks so fondly of what we have, but when you hear that if makes it seem like it was all a lie and he was miserable, to be so happy to break free and be with someone new that he doesn't even know.

 

I hate this. I have no hope now that we'll ever get back together. He's obviously much happier being free.

 

Life's too short. . . and all I can do is take one day at a time. . .

[Kehv]

Like I said in a previous post, You never know after a breakup whether they are telling the truth or not. Whenever he says he's doubting your relationship for over a year it's probably to make himself feel better. My ex also said she had the feeling of leaving me for months (but still mentioned marriage etc...). If it is true then they were too cowardly to get out when they started doubting but instead they waited untill they found someone else.

 

He's saying he still cares about you and he's probably not lying about that, he probably was happy in your relationship (otherwise you would've known) but he simply decides to chase this other girl which seems a lot more interesting at this point.

 

He being 'selfish' etc. is not because he doesn't care about you, it's because he knows he hurt you and doesn't want to talk about it.

 

A breakup is always hard whether you are with the person or not. My ex did not live with me but I still had all the furniture we both picked out, still lived in the appartment we both painted etc. The fact is, as long as you are seeing him you are still hoping he comes around and makes up and you still do not really miss him that much. I was instantly left alone (she was with me daily) so you constantly wonder what she's doing and you really start to miss her but I guess you get over the breakup a little quicker. If he's around the whole time you won't get over the breakup and it just drags you along.

 

He might be more happy NOW but eventually things will be the same if not worse and he comes crawling back. Let's be honest 22-year old girls are not ready for a commitment (most of the time) so she either cheats on him or dumps him later on. I kinda envy you because this is the power of women However I do hope to be in that situation aswell so I can either choose to if I take her back or not. As much as I believed our love was real she did dump me in a matter of days and still doesn't seem to regret it. This other guy is younger and has a better paying job... Still I've got faith everything will turn out for the best in the future.

[fleshandbone]

Yeah, the hardest part is just never knowing. And I never will really know. Unless he comes back. But, I do believe that if were unsure and they didn't break up at that time, then they were just cowards.

 

And yeah. . . I think I lash out from just the pain I'm feeling. But, I know he does care about what happens to me and that I am in pain. I know it bothers him to see me in so much pain and know that he's the cause.

 

And you're right, a breakup IS always hard. And it's exactly like you're saying, every time I see him come "home", even the smallest part of me expecting him to have had a change of heart, but instead I just get hurt again. Which isn't really his fault, it's my own expectations that are setting myself up.

 

And yeah, that's part of what I'm hoping for, even in the tiniest bit. I don't think this girl will be able to handle things once his depression kicks in, which it will. And it might scare her off. Because the other thing about this too, is that SHE hasn't seen his "bad" sides either. So I do believe you're right, eventually the "new happy" feeling will go away, and they'll be left with the very serious sides of each other. And my x's depression requires a lot of deep understanding, that you just won't be able to understand in only a few short months. I really don't see it lasting, even if I was over this.

 

I think we're both doing what we can to move on, while keeping the doors for our x's open. Which is really all we can do.

 

And even after all this, when I sit and just get it all out. I do still love him and care for him. And I do want to eventually make our way back to each other, some day. Time is such a hard thing to wait for, especially while holding onto hope.

 

I've been reading about reconciliation in other threads. That's kinda getting me by right now. The little bit of hope, but still taking steps to move forward.

[Kehv]

Yes I don't think we will know if they really thought about leaving for a long time. I guess it would be a lot easier if I saw it coming, if my ex was distancing herself from me, less sex, less happy to see me... to me it seemed like she had a sudden change of heart. I could've understood the whole situation if I was the one who started the marriage/kids talk and if I was the one forcing her to be with me or go buy things for my appartment but the fact is SHE was the one who initiated most of it; making a photo collage of our best photo's, buying plants, talk about marriage/kids... was she really just toying with me the whole time?

 

It all looks like she just found out a guy at work liked her and she thought he was a better guy for her. I know most people will deny this is possible because everyone says she simply was thinking about leaving for a long time, maybe it's true and the guy was there to make her cross that line... I don't know.

 

One thing I could tell you is that when I found out she had been 'dating' this other guy I freaked out, told her she shouldn't rush things and make rash decisions. Somehow it seemed this behaviour actually made her go rush things with this other guy. I was a mental wreck when she dumped me so what I think you should do is try to be as positive as you can, try to be happy and don't let him know you are hurt. Acting sad and desperate did not work for me so why not to the opposite ? I'd like to know how that works out for you.

[fleshandbone]

I feel like I could have written exactly what you did.

 

That is exactly how I feel. I know people say breakups are hard no matter what, but if we at least had some type of signal like you're saying; distancing themselves, less intimacy, less happy to see us. I feel the exact same way, just a straight up change of heart. Like the flip of a switch. And yes exactly! Never forced anything, we talked very openly about our decisions, which were all pretty big life changes like relocating. And yes - why did they want to go buy furniture!? And initiate it! My x was so excited to buy kitchen appliances, one item that really stands out is this breakfast sandwich maker: I was going to buy one that only made 1 sandwich, but he said "No, we should get the on that makes 2 for the weekends". I mean, why would he suggest that if he was secretly planning on breaking up, right? I don't think they were leading playing with our emotions. I really don't. But, we'll never know until they come back, if they come back.

 

I agree, it looks like they just fell into the dangers of falling for a coworker, and got an ego boost. I read somewhere that most people end up cheating with their coworkers, not that our x's were cheating "technically". Most of my friends deny it too, but from what we've said about our situations I think they definitely just got swept up in the idea of this new thing and feeling wanted or having extra attention (NOT that we weren't giving them enough attention at all, which is so frustrating). I think it's just comes down to how emotionally mature they are or aren't, and what they think a mature love is.

 

I don't know if your x struggled with feeling happy, but mine did because of his depression. So I think the extra boost of happiness he got from extra attention is also playing a huge role.

 

And I am a total wreck now that I know he is seeing this girl and spending time with her. I haven't asked him to reconsider or asked him to get back with me, but since we do live together he has had to hear me cry a few times (maybe 2-4 this entire time, I try to cry in my car on the way home or when he's not here) and he has also had to hear me when I get sick, 2 times. But, I know it makes him really sad to see me like this, but that he doesn't think I'm pathetic or anything. Which I guess is good. I also know that he tells the girl about me, and I think this could work to my advantage. If I was the girl and he constantly brought up how bad he felt about his x, especially if I was 22, I would start to get tired of him talking about her. So maybe this girl will eventually show she's not that great of a person (she might be, I don't know).

 

I'm going to work on not seeming so sad, since I have to be around him. It's really hard though. And I also stick to minimal contact when at home. I do not text, IM, or call him. He reaches out a lot to me to ask how I am and to see if I'm ok, but I think NC will be easy for me once I move out and that I'll be a lot happier. I just hope it happens soon. Because even though it's a wild hope at this point, I'm really hoping he starts to miss me, especially because I know he wants to stay friends really bad.

 

We did get into an argument today though, because I told him that when he asks if I'm ok that it only hurts us both. If I tell him I'm not, then he feels bad because he knows it's because of him, and if I tell him I am, he gets confused because he hears me cry. So I told him that it's ok if he doesn't ask, but then he got defensive and said he WANTED to ask because he wants to comfort me, but doesn't know how and that it feels strange to not be able to. So that was a little confusing. That also led to me asking if he had ever lied when he said he loved me and he said "No, but that you can say I love you to a friend", I told him yeah, but you don't whisper it in their ear. And he seemed really confused, like he didn't realize that he had just done that a couple days before we broke up. I think it might have made him question something, but for now it doesn't matter.

 

It's funny how similar our stories are hahaha, I'm interested to see how things progress on both our ends.

 

I'm glad to have someone that understands WHY I'm willing to hold out hope for my x and I to get back together. I just want to believe that our love is more than this, that it can get past it, and that it's worth this struggle. I still believe we are better together than apart, and I think he just got lost on our path together. But! I could be completely wrong hahaha

 

It's amazing the amount of emotions that just can continue to pour out of you. I pretty much read success stories to get me by. Not so much because I'm in denial, but because if I don't have any hope I'll just be depressed.

[fleshandbone]

So I found this article, I'm not sure if you've seen it, but my stomach started turning as soon as I read it because it is literally speaking to what probably could have saved my relationship. Had I known there was anything doubt in my x's mind.

 

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- Edit -

 

I've also set a 6 month goal for myself. I'm really into literature, so I've chosen to read an entire collection by an author that I've been reading since the breakup. I decided to visit the author's grave in 6 months as a "prize" for moving on and letting go. So, it's kind of giving myself a sense of direction and a timeline to get over this. It's also something that I can focus on and it feels really positive in all this negative space I have.

[Kehv]

I never know if my ex cheated on me physically however she did tell me over and over again she dumped me first so I'm taking comfort in that thought. My ex sure wasn't emotionally mature, in fact I was her first and I'm quite a bit older than she is (she's 24 now).

 

My ex did struggle sometimes to be happy sometimes yes but so was I, for the most part we were happy but I guess she simply thought she would be more happy with someone else.

Yes I don't think the other girl likes it when he talks about you or perhaps she sees it as a challenge, I don't know. It sure doesn't seem like he's over you, I don't know if my ex talks about me anymore, I guess not.

 

Yes, I'm someone who pretty much read every website, article, forum out there. I was/am so desperate because I really believe(d) this was the woman for me. I can tell you you will not find any answers on these websites but I suppose you could get some hope or understanding some of them.

I've even went so far to get into the spiritual side, being positive etc. It's about visualising the things you want.

 

My goal also was 6 months which I will hit the end of this month, I can hardly believe it's already been almost 6 months.

[fleshandbone]

Yeah, I think that's probably a safe thought to have, I don't think she'd have any reason to hide that from you.

 

And yeah. . . same. I'll never understand how this can happen to even the best of couples, with minimal problems. It's hard to not feel like he's over me when I know he's spending time with someone else (I know they had lunch together and that they were at her place cuddling or whatever.) And I saw a text that said "I really like you too" and another that said "Just a lot of heavy stuff on my mind" that he sent to her. I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up that he's already starting to change his mind, but to see that there is something that is on his mind that he wasn't willing to share with her, made me wonder if it was about me and whether he was already considering if he made the wrong choice. But, I can't let that stop me from staying strong and do LC or NC as much as I can.

 

This morning I stopped asking him if he wanted a ride to work (we work about 5 minutes away from one another). And last night I kinda just stayed in the room and had the door half-shut, so it wasn't like I was avoiding him, but I wasn't able to see him either. So, I'm doing the not being mean/rude thing, but also not initiating any type of discussion. I'm going to focus on not being sad in front of him this week or bringing up anything about our relationship. And hopefully that shows him I am starting to move on.

 

Seeing the text kinda made me anxious, but I guess no matter what I have no choice but to let him do his thing and hope that there is something still there in his heart that really does love me still, that just somehow got buried. It's hard. I only hope I can make it through the next 6 months like you have.

 

And I get the desperation. I believe with all of me that this isn't the end of our story, and pray that it's just a plot twist. Like, you I'm not too religious, but I was raised to have faith and believe in God, so I've been going down that path as well. And I believe that there is bond/energy/something that people have when they really connect. I don't think all couples have it, but I do believe that we are able to bond with certain people on a completely different wavelength than others. That's what I'm putting all my faith in. I'm praying that our bond is stronger than this and can withstand it. Because that bond isn't formed for no reason. So it has to mean something.

[Kehv]

He does love you no doubt about that and he will for a long time, whatever he chooses to do from now on.

 

Like I said, when I had a crush on that colleague I knew what I was doing was wrong but I did go and have a few drinks with her and this lasted for a few months. She wasn't really into but just manipulative and acted like she liked me and she pushed me to dump my gf but what if she really was into me... I don't know what I would've done.. looking back on that period I'm glad she wasn't really into me.

 

The 'heavy stuff' most likely has to do with you and I'm sure he is doubting his decision. My ex was doubting her decision aswell but because of my neediness her choice was easy and she picked him over me.

 

The first 2 months after the breakup were the hardest, after 4 months I started to accept it a little. Now, after almost 6 months I have my ups and downs ranging from really good to really bad. It may be 'feminine' but today I suddenly had to cry a little again,... it happens. It seems to me you are a lot tougher than I am so you'll be alright. Whatever you do don't be a doormat to him, don't have sex with him etc.

 

Like you I don't think this is the end of our story but isn't that the thought of all couples breaking up? I've read a few story's about people who suddenly start to miss their ex months after the breakup, even though they were the one who initiated it but you can't put faith in that really.

 

The bond is a connection between people but I'm also wondering if perhaps I'm the only one feeling this 'bond'...

Anyways, right now I try to have faith everything will be alright but at the same time try to move on with my life. I will be decorating my Xmas tree today (yes a little late) and yes I will be doing that alone. Even though it was something my ex really liked doing and I will probably get some feelings out of it Im still going to do it. Xmas days will be hard but I'll manage.

[fleshandbone]

Thank you, I can't forget that in the end, no matter what, the love that me and him had/have was/is real. And mattered very much to both of us.

 

I don't think it's "feminine" to cry, we're humans, and we have emotions. It's necessary to cry to get out that emotion, everyone does it. And I know what you mean, sometimes it just kinda hits me too during work or something. And yes, I think I finally stopped being a doormat, for awhile I was still cooking food for him or sharing dinner, and letting him sleep in the bed, but no more! I made my own space and let him know that I wouldn't be disrespected by him sleeping in the bed with me (even though we never did anything) when he had been spending time with her.

 

And good point. I'm positive everyone who has been broken up or left, believes that this can't be how it ends. And right, as much as we want to believe, we really have no choice in the matter. There's nothing you can do or not do, to choose the outcome you want. It has to be what both people want, and they have to come together to make it work.

 

I think you'd know if she didn't feel the bond with you, because I think you both have to feel it to even understand that there is something like that. And even if neither of them come back, it doesn't mean that the bond was real.

 

I'm in the same boat. Trying to have faith, but not being in denial, and trying to move along.

 

And I completely understand about the xmas tree. Last year we bought our first one and have all these decorations for it, but I can't even look at it right now. I want to throw it all out, or donate it, honestly. But, I won't. Looking at it all gives me so many emotions because we have ornaments that represent our relationship throughout the years. So I won't be opening those boxes.

 

His birthday is next week, and I'm not really sure what to do. I don't think he told this girl, but that might change by the time it gets here. I was trying to figure out if I should get him a small, but meaningful gift, or at least a card or something. I'm not sure. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I don't want to just not do anything because I don't want him to think I don't care. I guess it depends how this week goes too. I'll see if I can manage to not cry at home while he's there, and seem ok, and try to keep us from having any tension, as much as I can from my end.

[fleshandbone]

I'm having a particularly hard time today focusing on anything. I'm lucky I have a light work schedule in the morning because I just haven't been able to get anything done.

 

I'm completely torn up and can't stop feeling anxious about what he's thinking. Or what will happen between us. I want to find other threads that have a more people going through this type of situation. But, I haven't come across any that are active.

[Kehv]

If you want to find more topics you could check Loveshack or Relationshiptalk (I don't think i'm allowed to put links here).

 

Not sure what's the best thing to do at a birthday. My birthday was early October and she send me "Congratulations!", hers was in late October and I also just send "Congratulations!" but she asked a couple of questions after that like "how are you?" "I haven't seen you around" (I live in her neighbourhood) and she said I could ask her for help if I wanted to (related to studies), this was the last time we had contact.

Personally, I think you should not buy him anything, I don't think it makes any difference but you should do what you think is right.

 

I understand the work situation, I was fired because of it (just started working there but still...) but it was also hard because now I wanted to be as 'great' as this other guy and have a better paying job...

[fleshandbone]

Yeah, he asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with him. But, I don't know if I should go or not. One of the things he used to say to me is how much he enjoyed going to the movies with me. It was like are go to date, it's something we really enjoyed doing together. But, I don't know if he's asking because he knows I won't go alone, or what. And I wonder if he would pay or we would pay separately. We haven't paid separately for a movie since before we were dating. I feel like it would be too difficult to go through all that. And then have to sit next to him. Do we share a soda or the popcorn? I think I would be too stressed out.

 

Especially knowing that he's doing whatever with this other girl. We wouldn't hold hands, or sit arm to arm, I don't know if I could handle seeing the difference in our relationship.

[Kehv]

Well to be honest I wouldn't do go. You are not his girlfriend anymore and you don't want to be friendzoned by him either, as long as he's seeing some other girl you should not give in.

 

After my ex dumped me I did hang out with her quite a few times for almost 2 months. It often ended up being awkward because my goal was to win her back somehow or show her what she was missing out on. We went to have drinks together and shared tortillas, she came over to my place and we cooked dinner or she brought some beers for us and more things like that. One time I even had sex with her even though she was with the other guy... (I know wrong, but it was because she told me I was way better in bed...). Then after almost 2 months I couldn't take it anymore and I had to draw the line somewhere, my ex was going on a holiday with this new guy the week after. So I told her I couldn't see her because I did not and could not become friends with her so I told her I couldn't see her anymore. At this point my ex started chasing me a bit; calling me, e-mailing me, messaging me and even visiting my appartment because she so desperately wanted to stay friends with me and she was mad at me for not doing what she wanted.

 

So she went on that holiday with him the next week and it seems like she had a great time, haven't heard much from her after that except a few check-ups.

 

Point is, take what you want from this information. My suggestion is do the opposite of me and don't give him an inch, he choose someone else over you. I don't know things for sure but I took this approach and failed.

[fleshandbone]

That's a good point. I didn't think that we could fall back into the friendzone. I think I got caught up in the fact that it was something special to us.

 

I'll take your advice and stay in a minimal contact/NC mode. I've been told by some friends to ignore him as well.

 

My friends think that he'll come back, but in a bad way. They think he's evil and is cruel. But, I don't believe that. They're just worried about this becoming a cycle if he did. But, it depends on his reason for coming back and his actions when he does.

 

I ended up getting him a birthday card when I was out today. I don't think I'll write anything in it. . . but I at least wanted to show some sort of gesture. I'd rather leave a card then text or something.

[fleshandbone]

So, today I had ignored him in the morning. Not in a rude way, but just kinda did my own thing. No contact through anything else. I kept the door kinda closed to the room, but open enough in case he needed to get anything from the closet.

 

But, he comes in and like starts talking to me. It's like he seeks me out in the apartment, even when I'm trying to avoid him. He came in and started talking to me about something that happened at work, but I just let him talk and didn't talk about my own day or anything because I don't want it to seem like we can just talk like this (I have the friendzone scare in my head now). So I just listened to what he said, and tried to not look sad, I think I did ok.

 

And then a little bit later he came in again and was like "Do you want any dinner, I'm cooking some stuff" and I just politely declined and kept doing what I was doing, pretending to look busy on the computer.

 

I don't get why he seeks me out, I know you mentioned your x did that too. It's so freaking confusing, even though it shouldn't be. I have to constantly tell myself, he's just trying to be friendly, or he's just checking to see how I am. And then I remind myself that he's probably in the living room texting his rebound.

 

Today was really rough. I did though end up renewing my resolve. It's super cliche' to say this, but I started thinking about that one scripture that everyone says as their wedding vows, about how "love is patient". So, I looked it up and another part of it says that "it keeps no records of wrongs" and something about it always persevering and always trusting. It kinda made me think about why I want my x to come back. I feel so helpless though in the situation because we literally have NO idea if they will or won't, or what's going in their head.

 

I don't know what makes me hold out hope, when I literally see him pursuing someone else. And I see texts that say that he likes his rebound. It doesn't make any sense to just not give up. And then I feel stupid.

 

But, somehow I decided that I was going to try to let go of him having to experience whatever is he's doing and work himself out. While I continue to do what I need to do to move out. I haven't heard back from the apartment people yet, but hopefully I hear I good news. Because I need to get out here.

 

It's like I feel bad so I read success stories, but then I see the his texts and I lose all hope. It's exhausting.

[fleshandbone]

And just like that the feeling is gone. All of what I wrote is gone and I'm just disgusted.

 

How do you do it? I just found out that I think they are sleeping together or will be. How did you deal with this pain and more than anything I just feel disgusted. Disgusted that he can do that with this stranger and then come home and talk to me. Like why does he even need to talk to me? Why? How can he even look at me?

 

I'm starting to think he won't ever come back and I should stop waiting. I know I can say that now because I'm so upset and angry, and maybe this should have been my reaction all along?

 

Maybe we shouldn't be here hoping they come back? All this makes me want to do now is barricade my heart. And never let him back in. I feel stupid for ever thinking I could forgive him or that he'd come back.

 

If our love and bond was so great, this wouldn't have happened. He would have fought to stay with me. Isn't that the point of the love? All I can think now is that he didn't think after everything I have done for him and everything we've been through that this was worth fighting for. Worth holding onto.

 

So what if he comes back, if he ever comes back, after realizing that what we had was better and worth holding onto? So what? He thought sleeping with someone new was worth the cost of my heart. That all this pain I'm in right now was worth his new shiny rebound.

 

Why do we do this to ourselves. . . We're worth more than this. . .

[mbgeezle]

hi all. I frequented these forums a lot during a previous break up. helped me so much. I'm her first love. she's not mine. Im back with the same gut wrenching pain again and looking for help and advice on my situation

 

Everything seemingly great. I'm 26, her 18 (a very mature, or what I thought 18 yr old). Madly in love. up until the day she did this. Nothing had changed. The love and stupid names and way we acted with each other was still there. That deep connection. All of a sudden after a night out with friends she decides she hasn't been feeling 100% content in our relationship. She needs time to go be 18. to an extent I get. but nothing I felt had changed between us. still as close as ever. The hugs. The I love yous. genuine stuff.

 

Obviously to begin with I go into backlash mode. can't believe what is happening. I want answers. she can't give me them. Just said she loves me with every part of her but she needs to do this for our later life. I agree. we part. She can't give me a guarantee she isn't going to explore other males. said she would never sleep with one but like I believe that anyway. She then turns up at my house last night drunk as a skunk. said she's done nothing but party since she broke up with us. She said sometimes you need it. I had to take her in as her so called friends just dumped her at my door. she could barely stand. I took her in put her in bed and held her hair back why she was sick into a bowl. We had passionate sex and she cuddled in my arms like she always had.

 

We had a talk and she said she just couldn't do this right now. Turns out she has become infatuated with a Co worker. Hes new, exciting. has a girlfriend, oh the irony! I asked her if it was him she wanted she said no she just lusted him. She loved me. She loved me so much but it just wasn't the right time. She needed to be free. we shared a passionate embrace told each other we loved each other and she left. I contacted her not long after citing I understand to a degree that this day would come at a some point and I was going to use this time to grow myself. I needed my driving licence so asked her to leave it under my bin and I'd put her stuff in a bag somewhere for her to collect. I said I was letting her go and moving on. I couldn't wait for someone who wasn't 100% committed to me. She said she understood. she said that we need this. and it was for the greater good. For her did she mean? She said she loved me and I've blocked her. no contact. I said time would be only factor on if we ever even saw each other again.

 

What are people's opinions? gigs? will she come running when the lifestyle she think she wants isn't what it is made out to be? She isn't a party girl. She said in one breath it wasn't her and she wanted to come home last night. She paused at the home part but she was just about to say it. It's like she is intentionally trying to block me and everything we shared out. She wants to explore. And there is nothing I can do. I went straight to the gym the same day. I'm going to get myself back and become a better version of me. There was no major issues in our relationship. I gave 100%. loved her and cherished her. When I love someone I give everything of myself. It may leave me open but it's who I am. I can't be wishy washy like she has been. Over a year our relationship lasted by the way.

 

she said she has kissed the Co worker Friday. When breaking up with me Thursday. She didn't regret it. but she knew nothing could happen and she just lusted him. She couldn't guarantee she wasn't going to pursue it in the same breath. just rubbish in my belief. The thing I can't get my head round is that her actions and feelings toward's me hadn't waned. The way she looked at me, she always called me pretty. always wanted to be held. up until the day she left. How can someone cut you out so abruptly? It has left my dumbfounded

 

We are best friends not just lovers. We literally are like 2 peas in a pod. We act like 2 babies when we are together. It's like she just doesn't want any of that all of a sudden. A complete bolt from the blue. Is this just a phase that will die out. In my heart of hearts I think it is but I'm not going to sit around waiting for that to happen. I'm a grown man and I still have a life to forge ahead with. I was extremely content in our relationship and my life before this break up. I finally have the job I craved and the girl to go with it. The girl is now gone. It's time to rebuild. I'd just appreciate anyone's opinions on how or why she did this so abruptly? What are the chances of her coming running? We both ended it with I love yous. We have parted on good terms. I've wished her well and said I'm gonna add value to my own life now. Still so confused.

[Kehv]

Well... he could want you in the friendzone to keep you around untill he is well established with that new girl as a backup, whatever his reasons are I don't think you should go hang around with him.

 

I don't know if he will do the same things if he returns to you. He's not a serial cheater, so it's not in his nature and I guess he's been faithful to you for 4 years. So, unless he changed completely into a a guy who likes to bang as many women as he can I don't think he will do the same when he gets back. I would not advice you to take him back too soon. He might also figure out you are the best thing in his life and he will never leave again...

 

He wants to talk to you because you are familiar and you are his emotional support. So whenever he has trouble at work he comes to you while the other girl gets all the fun parts.

 

There are succes story's but most of them are months and months apart. The ones who get back together too soon often break up again soon after.

 

How I handled the breakup is not how you should handle it. 3 days after I got dumped I found out there was someone else and I tried to keep her from doing any more damage. This made her rush things and not even 2 weeks after I got dumped she had sex with him. I was broken and for weeks I couldn't handle the fact she actually did this while a few months before she told me I was the only one for her. If you start acting like you are depressed it's like an ego-boost for them and I admit I felt the same like you.

You will go through different stages, right now you are absolutely mad at him like I was. If you can just barricade your heart from him like that I respect you for that and you probably should do that. I don't know why I'm still holding on, perhaps I should let it go aswell. I never said what they did was right but I know I was in a similiar position 3 years ago, that's why I didnt close that door yet.

[Kehv]

Oh yeah, one question: Have you been a negative person lately? (before getting dumped)

[fleshandbone]

Yeah, we ended up in an argument because my emotions got the best of me. But, all of this would have been avoided if we just didn't have to live in the same house. Maybe I wouldn't feel so upset because I wouldn't have to literally see him carrying on with his life.

 

And you're right. He's not a cheater, and even though he's rebounding or whatever, it's still not technically cheating. But, to not see the person you were in love with mourn the relationship that you thought both held so dearly is just a pain that know one should have to go through. This is absolutely the worst type of breakup, it's like being told you're not good enough even though you know if your x was looking at this rationally they would come to their senses. It's like you just want to shake them until they snap out of it. And there's nothing you can do except let it run it's course.

 

I keep falling back on that hope. That he'll somehow come to that realization that I was the best thing in his life and that he took everything for granted. That's what I want to hear most of all. I want him to know that. But, I'm also afraid that he won't. It's this constant back and forth, and it's made double by living with him and having to see him. I wish I could just move out already. Because like you mentioned before, I just keep re-opening the wound and he'll never get a chance to figure out if he misses me.

 

And you're right. The stories do have like 6 months to a year before proper reconciliation can happen, which makes sense. I was just really hoping he would realize it before things got physical between them. Even though I had already imagined that it was happening, to really know that it is just completely set me back on everything I was hoping for.

 

I haven't moped around, we argued and I apologized and said that my emotions just got the best of me and stuff. I don't want him to start replacing all of our good memories with us fighting. We haven't fought much, maybe 2 times since the breakup, but then I just feel terrible and like it's going to push him away even farther. But, it happened and hopefully the amount of good memories we have is better.

 

I understand what you mean. I'm not sure if I will or not, this morning I apologized about the argument, so I'm obviously not completely shutting him out and trying to retain something between us. Whether it's enough or not I don't know. I just wish there was some type of middle ground, or that I could just feel nothing. It's like I either want him back with every part of my me, or I'm so mad at him and hurt that I don't think he has any care left in him for me.

 

Hmm, before we broke up, I wasn't negative really. I was stressed out a little because I was looking for a job when I moved out here, but I wouldn't say I was a downer or anything.

[Kehv]

@mbeezle sorry I didn't read your post before.

 

You are going through the same thing I went through almost 6 months ago. I know it's hard but there isn't anything you can do at this moment, if she wants to go she will go. A lot has to do with their ages I guess. I know it's hard to understand someone could just leave you for someone else in a matter of days, it all happened to me aswell. Stay strong and be positive, it's not your fault she wants to explore other areas.