"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[Kehv]

@fleshandbone

 

They do get physical quickly so there's no way he will wait 6 months, I'm sorry. Part of why they get intimate fast is because he wants to forget about YOU and this is the way he thinks he can forget about you.

 

Another question: Did you fear losing him before you knew he dumped you?

[fleshandbone]

So, he calmed too about the fight, and I think we're "ok" now. At least I know he's not done with me because of it.

 

I know it sounds stupid, because I keep going back and forth. But, for some reason I just can't let go of the idea of an "us" in the future. It's like I pull away, and then I become even more determined to wait for him, while moving on as much as I can. It's like I refuse to let him let me down. The more I get broken, the more I fortify my heart and believe that he'll come back. It's feels like I'm going insane.

[fleshandbone]

Yeah, I think I was still in denial about that. I thought it would take longer before they did that.

 

I think from time to time I did fear losing him. A lot of that was based on his depression, I thought at some point he would become apathetic to me or our relationship. And when he left first before we relocated, since he would be gone for a month or so before I could join him, I did get insecure that this exact thing would happen. I was worried that he would meet someone while I wasn't there and cling to them for comfort since he was all alone.

 

Did you? Do you think that triggered something in him? I don't think I ever mentioned the insecurity, because I felt it was irrational at the time. Instead of focusing on that, I made sure to express how much I loved him, and how happy I was with him, and asked if he was happy with our decisions as well. To which he always replied yes.

[fleshandbone]

@mbgeezle

 

Kehv's right. And I'm going through the same exact thing at the moment. My break up is about a month in, but my x and I still live together, because I can't find an apartment/it was so unexpected that even my x didn't know it was gonna happen. So we weren't in a position for either of us to move out.

 

 

It sucks, but apparently it just has to run it's course.

[alc16]

I am 3 weeks in to a break up and we still live together. He is leaving at the end of January.. I'm not sure of your complete situation, but holy hell is it frustrating.

[Kehv]

Yeah, I think I was still in denial about that. I thought it would take longer before they did that.

 

I think from time to time I did fear losing him. A lot of that was based on his depression, I thought at some point he would become apathetic to me or our relationship. And when he left first before we relocated, since he would be gone for a month or so before I could join him, I did get insecure that this exact thing would happen. I was worried that he would meet someone while I wasn't there and cling to them for comfort since he was all alone.

 

Did you? Do you think that triggered something in him? I don't think I ever mentioned the insecurity, because I felt it was irrational at the time. Instead of focusing on that, I made sure to express how much I loved him, and how happy I was with him, and asked if he was happy with our decisions as well. To which he always replied yes.

 

The reason I asked is because some people believe negative thoughts (fear that he might find someone else) could eventually become reality, the same thing goes for the opposite: think about positive stuff and positive things will happen to you.

 

I was afraid my ex was too good for me, she was higher educated than I am, she looked good etc. so sometimes I thought this was too good to be true.

[Kehv]

I am 3 weeks in to a break up and we still live together. He is leaving at the end of January.. I'm not sure of your complete situation, but holy hell is it frustrating.

 

Good luck with that, care to share my of the story ?

[partyviolets]

Good luck with that, care to share my of the story ?

 

Hi Kehv, not to sound like a complete weirdo but are you the same user as on loveshack? Some of your posts really helped me through my break up on there! How are you getting on with your break up?

[Kehv]

Hi Kehv, not to sound like a complete weirdo but are you the same user as on loveshack? Some of your posts really helped me through my break up on there! How are you getting on with your break up?

 

Yeah I'm probably the same one. I was a complete mental wreck after my ex dumped me (6yr relationship) because she met someone at work and immediately decided to get into a relationship with him and have sex with him quickly and go on a holiday with him within 2 months after our breakup. I've searched through all over the internet to find answers or solutions but obviously there are none. At the end of this month it will be 6 months and I still think about her, especially with the holidays coming up.

Before the breakup I was stuck in a vicious circle which obviously continued after my ex dumped me, I was very negative about everything and it looked like I couldn't get out of that circle.

 

Recently I've discovered a new way which you guys should try and let me know if it works out for you. I don't know if it works immediately after you get dumped but it's worth a try.

What you should try is to block all the negative thoughts in your mind and replace them with good thoughts, don't think about what you DON'T want, think about what you want. If you think about positive things you start to feel better and you attract other positive things. At this point I even believe my ex will return to me and if not there's someone else waiting for me.

 

So if you are a positive person, you will attract other people who are positive. Other people (perhaps new partners) are more likely to talk to you if you look/feel positive. Just give it a try, It can't hurt and let me know if it works.

[partyviolets]

Yeah I'm probably the same one. I was a complete mental wreck after my ex dumped me (6yr relationship) because she met someone at work and immediately decided to get into a relationship with him and have sex with him quickly and go on a holiday with him within 2 months after our breakup. I've searched through all over the internet to find answers or solutions but obviously there are none. At the end of this month it will be 6 months and I still think about her, especially with the holidays coming up.

Before the breakup I was stuck in a vicious circle which obviously continued after my ex dumped me, I was very negative about everything and it looked like I couldn't get out of that circle.

 

Recently I've discovered a new way which you guys should try and let me know if it works out for you. I don't know if it works immediately after you get dumped but it's worth a try.

What you should try is to block all the negative thoughts in your mind and replace them with good thoughts, don't think about what you DON'T want, think about what you want. If you think about positive things you start to feel better and you attract other positive things. At this point I even believe my ex will return to me and if not there's someone else waiting for me.

 

So if you are a positive person, you will attract other people who are positive. Other people (perhaps new partners) are more likely to talk to you if you look/feel positive. Just give it a try, It can't hurt and let me know if it works.

 

Yeah you gave me some advice like that. My username is different on there but it was really helpful! So it's nice to find your posts

You seem to have made a lot of progress. What else do you think helped?

I'm doing a lot better than I was. I've been getting out, made some new friends, some charity work, learnt to knit, have a interview tomorrow for a summer internship in Greece over the summer, am considering applying for a masters.. so life is going well.

But I'm still struggling. Today was awful and full of tears! I just keep worrying that he's with someone else and is happy without me, even though I have been NC so I have no idea what is going on in his life. But like you say, I should start thinking of positive things that I want!

[fleshandbone]

@a1c16

 

Oh my god, it is a level of hell I was unaware of. . .

 

If you go back a couple pages, I kinda have my story up. We are cordial, and don't hate one another, but it's just agony all the time. I expect him to come home every day having had a change of heart, and the opposite seems to happen. He just keeps getting further and further involved with this rebound.

 

I was looking up how to do the reverse psychology thing and do NC, but when you live together still it's nearly impossible, and it stresses me out that I'm prolonging his ability to miss me.

 

How are you dealing with it? And are you hoping for a reconciliation? It's a mixed bag on some of the threads around here, some people are, some people aren't.

[fleshandbone]

The reason I asked is because some people believe negative thoughts (fear that he might find someone else) could eventually become reality, the same thing goes for the opposite: think about positive stuff and positive things will happen to you.

 

I was afraid my ex was too good for me, she was higher educated than I am, she looked good etc. so sometimes I thought this was too good to be true.

 

Yeah, I can see that. I did take those thoughts and turn them into positive actions. I would be more affectionate or talk to him more. I have been thinking today about what I would do to work on myself if we got a second chance, and one of the things is not being afraid to lose him ever and having more faith in that and just doing everything but more of it. Maybe I didn't kiss him goodbye before I left for work every day, if I got a second chance I would. Things like that.

[partyviolets]

The reason I asked is because some people believe negative thoughts (fear that he might find someone else) could eventually become reality, the same thing goes for the opposite: think about positive stuff and positive things will happen to you.

 

 

What are the odd things you have seen? If you don't mind me asking

[alc16]

@Kehv

 

Well, we had been together for 3 years with a large age gape between us me being the younger one. There quite a bit of abuse, emotional and a few physical altercations. (I'm not a victim, I probably did just as much damage). A year ago his "adult" daughter moved in with us, it has been hell, she is a pig (doesn't clean up after her self at all) among other things. Recently coming home and saying she was pregnant.. Well, I damn near had a mental breakdown because I'm 23 and she is 19. The age thing was hard enough to begin with but that sent me into "The grass is greener" mindset. Oh, and last year some crazy lunatic came out of the woodwork with a 3 year old daughter that was his..

 

As I continued to process all of these things I realized I could no longer do this. He as a jerk around his friends, he convinced them all I was the crazy one and I just kept my mouth shut about his behavior and laid down for him to wipe his feet. He never wanted to do anything unless it involved drinking, and when I came home from work and left the house again it was a huge issue because all he wanted to do was lay in bed after work and that is just not me.. I could go on forever about everything that was wrong, but basically we were two different people and I wasn't going to waste my time or his time any longer. He is leaving february 1st, and we get along for the most part..

[alc16]

I will definitely read it tonight! At work right now so have to keep it short. We don't hate each other either, but its definitely rough. I broke it off with him, though I still love him we are just not right for each other among all the other terrible things that have happened in the past 3 years. I have no hope for reconciliation, but I think he does. I don't think he is going to try, as he already asked if it was too late and I told him it was. Neither of us are involved with anyone, although he has been speaking to someone.. Considering he tells me he loves me still I'm pretty sure it isn't going to go far if he is pursuing her. I do still love him, but this is for the best.. Not just for me but for him too.

 

The first week I was a complete mess and cried when the wind blew my hair around lol. I had some regret, and questioned whether I just ruined our relationship but I quickly came to the realization that it was ruined a long time ago. I'm okay now, going out with friends and keeping myself occupied. Oh god how I missed it. He is leaving at the end of January and I think I will probably break down when that happens. I figure if I keep myself separated until he leaves there will be no last minute crazy change of heart and we can both move on. He wants to keep in contact, and I kinda do as well but I think initially we will need to do NC. It is definitely pretty hard when you live in the same tiny apartment, I tried it in the beginning.

[Kehv]

Yeah, I can see that. I did take those thoughts and turn them into positive actions. I would be more affectionate or talk to him more. I have been thinking today about what I would do to work on myself if we got a second chance, and one of the things is not being afraid to lose him ever and having more faith in that and just doing everything but more of it. Maybe I didn't kiss him goodbye before I left for work every day, if I got a second chance I would. Things like that.

 

Yeah in my opinion you should think about what you could've done better but don't let it get to your head like you were the main reason why he left. If you're not good enough for him then that's his loss, doesn't mean becoming a better, more attractive person is wrong but don't do it for him, do it for you! Show him what he lost. Remember he has to change (a lot) aswell if he does ever want to come back.

[Kehv]

Yeah you gave me some advice like that. My username is different on there but it was really helpful! So it's nice to find your posts

You seem to have made a lot of progress. What else do you think helped?

I'm doing a lot better than I was. I've been getting out, made some new friends, some charity work, learnt to knit, have a interview tomorrow for a summer internship in Greece over the summer, am considering applying for a masters.. so life is going well.

But I'm still struggling. Today was awful and full of tears! I just keep worrying that he's with someone else and is happy without me, even though I have been NC so I have no idea what is going on in his life. But like you say, I should start thinking of positive things that I want!

 

I don't know how long ago you broke up but it seems like you're doing well; you know what you want, you've got a goal in life and you kept yourself busy. The only things you could consider is making yourself look more attractive (not saying you aren't ), which boosts your self esteem, things like; new haircut, new clothes, go to the gym etc.

 

The thing that helped me most is what I described above; Try to block all the negative feelings/thoughts and think about thoughts that make you happy. I almost guarantee you will feel better soon if you do that. The other things I did was going to the gym, trying to be around women, meeting with friends and I've read a lot about positiveness. I'm a really sober guy but some of these spiritual things actually helped me.

[Kehv]

@Kehv

 

Well, we had been together for 3 years with a large age gape between us me being the younger one. There quite a bit of abuse, emotional and a few physical altercations. (I'm not a victim, I probably did just as much damage). A year ago his "adult" daughter moved in with us, it has been hell, she is a pig (doesn't clean up after her self at all) among other things. Recently coming home and saying she was pregnant.. Well, I damn near had a mental breakdown because I'm 23 and she is 19. The age thing was hard enough to begin with but that sent me into "The grass is greener" mindset. Oh, and last year some crazy lunatic came out of the woodwork with a 3 year old daughter that was his..

 

As I continued to process all of these things I realized I could no longer do this. He as a jerk around his friends, he convinced them all I was the crazy one and I just kept my mouth shut about his behavior and laid down for him to wipe his feet. He never wanted to do anything unless it involved drinking, and when I came home from work and left the house again it was a huge issue because all he wanted to do was lay in bed after work and that is just not me.. I could go on forever about everything that was wrong, but basically we were two different people and I wasn't going to waste my time or his time any longer. He is leaving february 1st, and we get along for the most part..

 

OK well it seems you loved him very much seeing as how much he put you through. I can't and will not judge you by your choices in life, if you prefer older men that's OK but it to me it sounds like there are too many things going on, I wouldn't be able to handle that anyways. It's not that odd you you went into the "Grass Is Greener" because to me it sounds like almost anything is greener. Again, I don't want to upset you, just the way I think. My ex dumped me (most likely) because this other dude has a better job... to make a comparison.

 

What I do not get is if you still want to make things work with him or not ?

[partyviolets]

I don't know how long ago you broke up but it seems like you're doing well; you know what you want, you've got a goal in life and you kept yourself busy. The only things you could consider is making yourself look more attractive (not saying you aren't ), which boosts your self esteem, things like; new haircut, new clothes, go to the gym etc.

 

The thing that helped me most is what I described above; Try to block all the negative feelings/thoughts and think about thoughts that make you happy. I almost guarantee you will feel better soon if you do that. The other things I did was going to the gym, trying to be around women, meeting with friends and I've read a lot about positiveness. I'm a really sober guy but some of these spiritual things actually helped me.

 

It will have been 3 months since the break up at the end of December, and we were together for 3 years. So not really that long yet. You read my mind - I got a new haircut today and have been sticking to the gym since the breakup! So I'm happy I seem to be doing the right kinds of things

 

I've just got to the stage where I don't think he will ever contact me.. it's good to reach this stage, but sad too that it feels over. It's hard having a breakup during the holidays. We both loved Christmas and I miss our traditions and the excitement.

 

Is there anything that you have read that you would recommend?

[Kehv]

OK well some of you will probably think I'm crazy but at this point I don't mind.

 

Well I've read a lot about positiveness on various sites but lately I've been reading more into the spiritual sides of things. I'm not a spiritual person by nature, I really am not but some things have happened lately that made me consider there is more than we might think.

 

I don't think i'm allowed to post links here but if you search google for: Feeling Is The Secret by Neville Goddard PDF , you will find one of the things I've been reading. At first I didn't believe anything of it but I'm still going to try it. I can't explain it that very well but what it means is basically if you visualise things that you want you can attract them in real life. I've also read a lot on the PowerfulIntentions forum/site. I'm not telling you guys you should believe in these spiritual things but I'm someone who didn't even believe in a god or something but there have been a few things that opened my eyes there could be something else.

 

One of those things is , when I first started checking out this website and started to learn more about it, I met a girl who I dated who really was into these spiritual things (coincidence?). I was searching for a book about positivity and one hour after , this girl sends me a photo of a book and asks me If I wanted to lend it (coincidence?).

 

So, believe what you will, call me crazy I don't care Maybe this stuff doesn't work but the thing is believing things will work out. Because of this I now feel confident I either get my ex back or I will find someone better.

[fleshandbone]

OK well some of you will probably think I'm crazy but at this point I don't mind.

 

Well I've read a lot about positiveness on various sites but lately I've been reading more into the spiritual sides of things. I'm not a spiritual person by nature, I really am not but some things have happened lately that made me consider there is more than we might think.

 

I don't think i'm allowed to post links here but if you search google for: Feeling Is The Secret by Neville Goddard PDF , you will find one of the things I've been reading. At first I didn't believe anything of it but I'm still going to try it. I can't explain it that very well but what it means is basically if you visualise things that you want you can attract them in real life. I've also read a lot on the PowerfulIntentions forum/site. I'm not telling you guys you should believe in these spiritual things but I'm someone who didn't even believe in a god or something but there have been a few things that opened my eyes there could be something else.

 

One of those things is , when I first started checking out this website and started to learn more about it, I met a girl who I dated who really was into these spiritual things (coincidence?). I was searching for a book about positivity and one hour after , this girl sends me a photo of a book and asks me If I wanted to lend it (coincidence?).

 

So, believe what you will, call me crazy I don't care Maybe this stuff doesn't work but the thing is believing things will work out. Because of this I now feel confident I either get my ex back or I will find someone better.

 

I get what you mean. I do believe that you have to visualize the things you want, I do it a lot with goals, which is how I ended up where I am now in my life, except it was supposed to be without a breakup. So, I definitely believe in that to a certain extent.

 

And doing positive things right now is EXACTLY what we should all be trying to do. Especially between all the negativity that we are carrying around with us, because of the hope we have our x's may return, while knowing deep in our hearts that they may and probably will not.

 

I think that's why I fluctuate some much with whether I want my x back or not, or if I think he'll come back or not. I think about going through the months or however long it takes for him to realize he made this huge mistake and took what we had for granted, but then I think about how much stronger our love will be because it has been tested and that "feels" like a positive thing. But, then I think about how stupid and selfish he was for taking such a great love for granted, and then it becomes a negative spiral of doubt. It's amazing what the human mind is capable of twisting when the heart desires something.

[alc16]

@kehv

 

Definitely don't want to work it out. I dont really prefer that much older, we met and he wasnt mature at all.. it was like dating someone my own age, and it helped he didnt look his age either. I realize now that is a reason to run away from someone pursuing you lol. There is nothing that can fix this.

 

No offense taken, as horrible as he has been I'm just not one to throw someone out when they have nothing.. even though he tried to do it to me. I have been living my life separately, going out with friends again and having fun. I sleep on the couch except when his daughter is here then I either spend the night at a friends or sleep in bed with him. No sex or anything just sleep. Just trying to be civil until he leaves.

[Kehv]

@fleshandbone

 

You don't know when or if he returns, it could be weeks, months , years ..... but one thing is for sure, IF he comes back you've got the power to make a choice and decide whether he's worth giving another shot. Untill that time you should not put your life on hold and I know it's hard but these questions are pretty much useless right now. I do think it might be better if he stayed away for a couple of months rather than if he would come back in a few weeks, chances are he would do it again.

[Kehv]

@kehv

 

Definitely don't want to work it out. I dont really prefer that much older, we met and he wasnt mature at all.. it was like dating someone my own age, and it helped he didnt look his age either. I realize now that is a reason to run away from someone pursuing you lol. There is nothing that can fix this.

 

No offense taken, as horrible as he has been I'm just not one to throw someone out when they have nothing.. even though he tried to do it to me. I have been living my life separately, going out with friends again and having fun. I sleep on the couch except when his daughter is here then I either spend the night at a friends or sleep in bed with him. No sex or anything just sleep. Just trying to be civil until he leaves.

 

Really wish my ex was like you we would have a good relationship lol. Surely you should not dump someone just because you think you can do better, you should dump someone if you're unhappy in my opinion. Just have a good thought of what you want with your future life. You're still very young and you should do whatever you want but dating a much older guy can get troublesome. Hell, you're as old as my ex, the ages were never a problem untill she dumped me, apparently it was also one of her hundred reasons to dump me that I was too old (7 years).

[alc16]

Really wish my ex was like you we would have a good relationship lol. Surely you should not dump someone just because you think you can do better, you should dump someone if you're unhappy in my opinion. Just have a good thought of what you want with your future life. You're still very young and you should do whatever you want but dating a much older guy can get troublesome. Hell, you're as old as my ex, the ages were never a problem untill she dumped me, apparently it was also one of her hundred reasons to dump me that I was too old (7 years).

 

Lol I have been starting to wonder about where all the rational people are.. Turns out you are one of them. Dumping someone because you think you can do better is a pretty ty thing to do.. And I feel like karma would prevent that lol. I currently am thinking about going back to school, but unsure. I'm going to give myself some time to heal a bit and get back into the routine of life and friends, get my finances situated and just live my life. On top of everything I realized I wasn't happy, and I needed to do what made me happy because life is short. I'm thankful I walked out of this still with friends, mind you they were friends with him first.. But they realized how ty of a person he was, and have always supported me. He still has his friends from his childhood who think hes perfect.. He'll be okay.

 

And wow.. 7 years? That's nothing! Try 19...