"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[jenna-is-here]

Its just been 3 weeks right? of course u still love her....but what if it takes years for her to realise her mistakes? will u still love her? cuz in case he totally let it go after 1 year waiting...

 

I know I posted on this thread before but my ex ex (lived together 4 yrs, booted him out b/c he would not get married)...came back after THREE years saying he made the biggest mistake of his life. He keeps trying to woo me even though I have told him repeatedly there is no chance.

[Bobtheman]

Naddy33,

 

Coulda, woulda, shoulda…these are the mind games we play with ourselves to make ourselves miserable. Your ex-bf may come back, or he may not. The point of this discussion is to suggest that although room for reconciliation is certainly possible, it does not necessarily mean it WILL happen. I think it would take two emotionally mature people to turn a genuine GIGS reconciliation into a successful relationship. Maybe it would take more emotional maturity on your ex’s part to give the relationship another chance; perhaps, more than he possesses at the moment, or in the foreseeable future.

 

I know the pain from a broken heart is horrible. But think of it this way: if your ex comes back and you work through this situation, I think you’ll both be very happy. But if he doesn’t come around, it will only be a matter of time before you meet someone who you’ll love as much, if not more. I know it’s really difficult to believe this now, but anyone who’s been around the block knows it’s true! And with your newfound wisdom, you’ll know how to hold on to a good thing when you find it. As someone once said, “True love is hard to find, but even harder to hold on to.” Either way, I think what you’ve learned from all of this will only be a benefit to you in your new relationship, regardless if it’s one with your ex or not.

 

I cannot tell you to wait for your ex to change his mind, to have a change of heart. I know this is just a cliché, but I believe that if it’s meant to be between you and him, it will be. Perhaps your paths will indeed cross someday. But you can’t live your life as though they will.

 

To answer your question, it’s going to take her as long as it’s going to take to realize that perhaps she made a mistake. She may even conclude she didn’t make a mistake at all. If she eventually believes she made a mistake, no matter how long it takes, and if we cross paths again someday, then I think I’ll know what to do when she and I both get to that bridge.

[naddy33]

Bobtheman,

Good to see you in full spirit man...hope she will realise that one day..and if its not, i guess u already know what to do..

Yup, heartbroken sucks..but it teaches valuable lessons...we just dont know what it is yet...but it will always makes u stronger once u get thru it, i bet!

 

As for me, i dont think reconciliation will ever happens...cuz now i can see that he's flirting around like there's no tomorrow..it is just not like him..he used to be such a loyal person..and just watching from far doing that is enough to kill me emotionally..maybe he knows that i am still watching over him..as a revenge i guess..but enough is enough..the way he treated me now [maybe i deserve it] really makes me hurt..although he keeps saying he still care about me and even wants to help me to move on...

 

I think the best thing to do now is just go away from his life completely..maybe that is what he wants right...

[tiger1644]

I was wondering if this sounds like GIGS to anyone:

 

Me and my ex dated for three years from the ages of 17-20 - first loves. A month before the breakup, we were arguing more than usual. He had just lost his job (again), was moving out of his apartment to go back to his parents who originally kicked him out but now wanted him back (even when I offered to help financially), I was encouraging him to go back to school even though he assured me he's not the school type, etc. Anyway, we ended up having an argument over his family's beliefs (alien gods, psychics, etc) and it got really blown out of proportion. I left and he ended up sobbing to his grandparents saying "I hurt her really bad - I can tell." He told them everything I said about their beliefs and, understandably, they all got upset.

 

For the next two weeks, my ex went through two phases of really wanting to be with me / ignoring me / getting angry / breaking up with me. When he got back with me, I told him I didn't want him to be with me if he didn't want to be. He said he did want to be with me and it had nothing to do with that. He said it would take time, though, because his family was upset at me - but we were still considered a couple. I apologized to his family, at his request, and they were really nice and didn't seem upset with me, though. They said he probably blamed the breakup on them because it was easier for him that way. During the breakups, these are the reasons my ex gave me (always over the phone): you're not affectionate enough, you leave when you're mad, my family doesn't like you now, I'm too hurt, we're incompatible, etc. I even asked him if the affectionate thing and me leaving when I'm upset were the only problems he had with me, and he said yes. After the last breakup, he completely ignored me.

 

A week later, I went over to his house because I was upset he broke up with me over the phone. I said nothing while he yelled - called me crazy, get out of my life, there's nothing to talk about, even threatened to punch me and call the police on me. I left after a few minutes. After six weeks of no contact, I sent him an email where I talked about our memories and eventually said "I would rather get through the bad times with you, but I respect your decision and I'm letting you go." That was definitely a mistake because his reply wasn't what I expected and I wasn't ready for it.

 

His email said the breakup was really hard on him and not what he truly wanted - but it was the only way so I could be safe and protected. He said we hit a fork in the road and that he feels and misses me wherever he goes. A piece of him died and was left with me - so take good care of it. He also vaguely told me to move on by saying "I hope you can find a man who can protect you better than I could." He said he knew I wouldn't understand in the beginning, but the breakup is for the best. He ended the letter saying he'll never forget me and that he loves me more. Now I have no idea what any of this means or how it applies to our situation - he won't give me any clarification, unfortunately. He completely ignores me.

 

Is this GIGS? I feel like all of this is so over dramatic and the fact he doesn't specify any of his reasons for this pisses me off. He's with his friends every day trying to "forget about me" and "cut his losses." He also started wearing contacts again and styling his hair (which he hasn't done since he was 16). As far as I know (from his friends' facebooks and his family), there isn't another girl involved. He just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now.

 

He's probably considering going active duty, volunteering to deploy, or tech school - so I don't know if that has anything to do with this or not. It was literally only a few months ago when he told his entire family and army buddies that he was buying me an engagement ring! Even when we had a pregnancy scare over the summer, he held my hand and said "No matter what happens, I couldn't think of a better woman to be the mother of my child." He even cried over me when he was gone for four months at basic and ait - I wrote him letters every day.

 

Any opinions? This is such a difficult situation because my ex never clarified anything or talked to me about his concerns. It's now been two and a half months since the breakup and, the only thing I've heard from him since then, is that email. Thanks for any replies.

[Trick1004]

Wow, this thread is great and I think it is exactly the reason my ex broke up with me. Despite the strong language I tend to agree with the sentiment of the above post by Mr_Abandoned.

 

It's been about 5 1/2 weeks now since our 3 year relationship ended. I started writing down each instance where she did things that I found disrespectful to our relationship or just just annoyed me in general. There were only a couple of entries initially (when I was in the most pain post-breakup) but it has gotten larger as time continues passing.

 

I guess for me, when I start getting down it helps to have this list around to read and it usually helps a lot. I started realizing that I was dealing with someone with the emotional maturity of a child and she always needed to be the constant center of attention. She was an incredibly energy draining person and towards the end I was just feeling drained out and started distancing myself from her. I think she recognized that I didn't have a whole lot more to give so she jumped ship to find her next energy source.

 

It was the worst pain I've ever had the first couple of weeks and still hurt periodically, but at this point can feel myself more energized and happy every day. I'm angry that I spent so much time trying to make this relationship work when there were so many obvious red flags (that I recognize now) from the get-go. Oh well, live and learn. Definitely won't happen again.

[WatsNext]

Agreed!!!!

[Skullkid]

Also, at least in my situation, my partner didn't want to seem to acknowledge the fact that the "honeymoon stage" doesn't last forever. Some people with GIGS constantly have to be "in love"

 

This isn't so much a symptom of GIGS as it is a sign of emotional immaturity. The people who believe this nonsense about having that heady, giddy, butterflies in the tummy "in love" feeling all the time are "serial monogamists". They never stick in a relationship long enough to see what comes after the initial spark of attraction fades - they don't understand that those feelings of infatuation/lust/attraction have peaks and valleys in mature longterm relationships. They are addicted to the euphoria of "new love"...and to them, that feeling is LOVE, anything else is "just friends".

 

And let me tell you, more and more people are having their hearts broken because of people like this. Our hierarchy of needs and views on romantic love are almost completely screwed up as a culture. Serial monogamists care about how they feel NOW, not how they felt or how they could feel...and they certainly don't care enough about the bonds they've formed. They need to feel the heights of sexual chemistry 24/7 when the switch flips in their head, which is why many begin to act out or seek toxic relationships...because the more challenging the relationship, the more fear and anxiety it causes, the longer that "in love" feeling will last. Some even get married due to this rush because they "just know" or it "just feels right".

 

Funny. Most that "just know" or "just felt IT" end up divorced when the feeling inevitably fades and they're forced to face reality

 

They are addicts, plain and simple. Some can go longer without a hit than others, but they start jonsing for it eventually.

 

Biology and unrealistic expectations of love are big players in people sabotaging great things because they feel there's always something better. Settling down is settling for, amirite?

[Juha]

Holy crap! It looks like what my gf is going through, well ex now. We were friends first, great friends. She is 20 and away on her own for the first time in her life at college. We were together a year and 9 months. It got serious, more serious than I expected. She led the way to getting more serious. We were great together! Always joking, having fun, being sarcastic on each other. We were great friends, best friends. Did lots of things together, great sex, she never had an orgasm before me. I am her first love. We would know what each other were thinking and would say the same thing at the same time, finish each others sentences. Was quite ridiculous.

Also she was saying for months that she did not like how she felt about me and was not sure how to handle it. Meaning she did not know what to do with the strong feelings of love for me

 

She broke up with me October 2. She started to change last spring, could see it and she was saying that she wanted to go party with her friends more. I never stopped her from doing what she wanted. She became inconsistent. I in the meantime was having family problems. Two family members were sick and almost died. I had to focus on taking care of things at home and for them. Also because I focused on them so much I stopped focusing on myself and anxiety. It started to come back and I slowly was changing, did not realize it. My brain started to spin and I lost focus and became very needy and weak. 2 things I am not. I started to smother my girl some.

 

During the summer my girl was having woman issues and sex was not really happening as she was bleeding and hurting. Also dealing with her mother having cancer and not doing well. Also she comes from a family where she has no good memories of her parents together. No love between them just turmoil and divorce. No wonder she has problems with emotions and love. She never had a good example of it growing up. So as time was nearing for her to go away to school, only 2 hours away. We both were letting it bother us. We talked and wanted space to adjust there but did want me in her life and wanted me to come visit when she was settled in. First two weeks were pretty much normal. We were talking pretty normal. She text she missed me and wanted me to come visit the next day. I answered the next day and she wanted me to but did not think it was a good idea, yet. Sunday she called me and we talked. Monday she sent me a funny picture and joked a little. After that she dropped off the map. She called the next weekend, did not leave a message, never called back, never texted. I called back she did not answer nor call me back.

 

So couple more weeks go by I call a couple times she does not answer. I text joking around or asking what's up and she either does not answer or gives short one sentence or a couple of word answers. till one day I text that I am getting my anxiety in order with help form a therapist I know from before. That I am gong to be myself again and no more freak outs. When I see her next I will be me again. Said I loved her. She called me instantly and started going of on me telling me were through running down all excuses/reasons for it. She was being really cold and hurtful also. I could rebut all of them but did not try. I was trying to talk with her but every time I tried to speak she would repeat over and over that "you're not going to change my mind". Told me that "I love you but am not in love with you" She never thought of me, did not miss me, did not need me, etc... Said that when she came home on break she was not seeing me except to exchange our things. Asked if we could be friends as I was so important to her and she needed/wanted me in her life forever. I was stunned.

 

I went nc and left her alone. Month later on a Friday about 2 a.m. was out with a friend drinking and came home. She called and I answered, probably should not have.

I answer and she is quiet. I say hi and she says hi in the quietest voice I have ever heard from her. I could tell she had been drinking. Since she went to school she has been partying a lot. Going to frat party's, etc.. She then says she has been thinking and she decided were never getting back together, does not know why she called and does not want to confuse me. I say ok, then she says I don't want a relationship with you and are not getting back together. I say ok, was not thinking about getting back together. then she goes quiet and I ask why she called. She says she misses me and the boys at college are not as good as you. That she wants me right there, right now.. it's 2 a.m. she is 2 hours away and I've been drinking lol. Said that's not going to happen.

 

She then asks how I am and we talk some. I ask her if she remembers about us talking before she went away about she is away at school and has to live her life and I am here and have to live my life. She does not. then tell her I'm giving her as much space as she needs and she gets hostile and says good that's what I want. She ten runs off the phone.

 

2 weeks go by and I get sick and end up in the hospital. she gets in touch a few days later asking how I am and what happened. I joke around ans she ignores it. She has never done that, we always joke around. She was cold, distant, and cordial. After I tell her what happened and she was concerned for me. I told her it would be great to see her when she was home. She said she was not sure that was a good idea. So night before Thanksgiving she comes home and I'm out at a friends party. She text me late night asking how I am doing. i answer the next morning. She asks if I am going to be ok. I say yes as far as I know. then she wished me a happy thanksgiving and to enjoy my day. I then asked if she wanted to go out and do something fun. She proceeded to go off on me. She does not love me. There is no reason for us to spend any time together. She was only concerned and cared that I was healthy and that's it. Told me she and her life has completely changed. Had nothing to do with me and I had nothing to explain or apologize for. This was when I said my anxiety is much much better.She was sorry for not handling the break up better and could talk a little when we exchange things as she can see I am confused. I am not confused. That she never wants to be with me. She never wants us to go back to how our relationship was. etc etc etc. One day she hoped we could be friends.

 

We were gong to meet today for the exchange but she wanted to meet earlier than said and I changed my plans and went out with a friend instead. so no meeting or exchange.. Here I am. Going to exchange our things, wish her the best and disappear. She can keep partying and hooking up with the college boys who obviously do not make her happy...

 

If you have a comment throw it out there... Thanks for reading.... Sorry for such a long message....

[Juha]

Forgot to add one thing. When she was breaking up with me on the phone she made a statement that I took as she wants to be with me but can't at this time. Seems she knows what or even why she is doing it, possibly.

 

She said that if she were 2 or 3 years older things would be different.

 

Also told me she is holding me back. anyway forgot about those things...

[GreySkyEyes]

Sigh, i've been 'battling' GIGS for about a year now. Its not so much that I think the grass is greener but that I start feeling trapped. I recognize that my relationship is excellent, the stuff that makes a great long term relationship, but every few months the feeling that I need to find myself and be free before I settle down will pop up and throw a wrench in the relationship. Usually the feeling comes on and I start fixating on it for weeks until I finally decide that I'm actually going to break up and 'find myself', but then I realize that means losing a man I love and end up changing my mind and having warm fuzzy extra lovey feelings towards him for the next few months. So far this cycle has repeated twice, most recently about a week ago and now I feel like I fell in love with him all over again. I want to stop this nonsense but don't know how, does anyone have advice??? I don't want to cause my kind and loving boyfriend to be leaving posts like all of these other GIGS victims.

[firefly2613]

Seems to me that you need to research fear of commitment. I don't know how old you are. But speaking from the perspective of a guy who was dumped, it would be nice if we knew what the hell was going on. "Finding yourself", while it sounds all fine and dandy, doesn't really make any sense when you think about it.

 

It's either fear of commitment or maybe you are confusing love and infatuation.

 

Try to appreciate what you have.

[cryingalways]

I did that when I was younger. Then I wanted him back. He took me back a few times then he left me for good....ah to be young...

[lea2503]

Reading this thread has been so helpful the past couple of months, never used any site like this before

 

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago after 2 and a half years together, we had the perfect relationship, our parents met and loved one another, we were best of friends spending a lot of time together and being there for each other during family issues the past year. We were planning on moving into our own place in the new year. We had our fair share of arguments always over silly things but always made up, until about 3 months ago, we had an argument over something silly and he used this to say we needed a couple of days apart to cool off. I gave him this but once a few days had passed he decided that the relationship was no longer what he wanted, that I was the 'best girlfriend' but he just wanted to spend some time on himself, his new job and his family. I was absolutely devastated, did the usual begging and pleading and then realised it was not helping. I then proceeded to do NC, this lasted 2 weeks until he broke it and messaged me saying he wasn't happy and he made the wrong choice, but still wasn't saying he wanted to get back together, so for the next 2 weeks we talked a little here and there until suddenly out of the blue on Facebook I see he's in a relationship with a girl I had never even heard of in the 2 years we were together, she's in university and lives 4/5 hours away from us so a LDR relationship (he doesn't drive either) this crushed me, and now months later I still can't get my head around it, I have a good job, a car which I drove him round everywhere in, and he's left me for a student who lives hundreds of miles away. We spoke recently after he found out I was talking to a boy and he completely flipped out, we are now back in NC. I am trying so hard to focus on myself and just hoping with a bit more time I will start to feel better

[youngatheart88]

This thread is right on what I have been through, though my story is a bit different.

You see, I am married with children and i am in my mid 40's. I am financially well off and this happen to my girlfriend.

I had met a girl half my junior 4 years back, she was 20 and I was 40. Even with the age difference we had perfect chemistry. We quickly fell in love and I spent all my free time with her. We had planned and worked on a future. I had brought her a car, paid for her university, set up a company and gotten her a well paid job and a nice place to live in a trendy part of town.

Recently after over 3 years of a good relationship, she started not coming back at night. I caught her cheating on me with one night stands. After many long talks and trying to resolve things, I finally asked her to leave the apartment. I had discovered she had spent the night with some guy, it was too much. She moved in with this guy the next day. All along the last half year, we still constantly see each other due to work. She always tell me she loves and misses me one moment and next, tell me not to wait. She says she suddenly felt, 6 months ago, that she needed to see what is out there. Even I can give her a good life, she wanted to know if she could find someone for her life. I am her first LTR and she has given me her 20-24 years.

This is 6 months ago, even I am middle age, I felt devastated. I am of good physical condition and look 10 years my junior. I recently went out with another young girl for lunch and she blew a gasket when she knew. What did she expect? she left me 6 months ago and tell me not to wait, but when I do have lunch with another, she goes nuts?

She had asked me recently that she is still unsure about the new lived-in boyfriend as they fight often. She had suggested she will return.

Should I wait? I do have time and I don't want to look for another but the wait is really bearing down on me mentally.

And please, don't give me this sugar daddy line...I could have jumped to the next waiting young girl, but I have stuck by her the last 6 months of struggle.

[sharky988]

Dude, you might have better luck if you stop dating women young enough to be your daughter!!!

 

Seriously -- what do you expect? You're in your 40's, find someone who isn't just out of college, who's experienced enough life on her own to be ready to settle down.

[Mesemene]

Should I wait? I do have time and I don't want to look for another but the wait is really bearing down on me mentally.

And please, don't give me this sugar daddy line...I could have jumped to the next waiting young girl, but I have stuck by her the last 6 months of struggle.

 

She's still at an age wanting to experience life without strings.

 

How many people end up staying with the ones they're with at 20? Not many. That's barely out of high school, and most guys and girls are still trying to figure out what they want for themselves.

 

You see, I am married with children and i am in my mid 40's. I am financially well off and this happen to my girlfriend.

I had met a girl half my junior 4 years back, she was 20 and I was 40. Even with the age difference we had perfect chemistry. We quickly fell in love and I spent all my free time with her. We had planned and worked on a future. I had brought her a car, paid for her university, set up a company and gotten her a well paid job and a nice place to live in a trendy part of town.

 

Also not understanding this - is it her you're married to? Or are you no longer married? Or still married but had a relationship with this girl?

[youngatheart88]

She's still at an age wanting to experience life without strings.

 

How many people end up staying with the ones they're with at 20? Not many. That's barely out of high school, and most guys and girls are still trying to figure out what they want for themselves.

 

 

 

Also not understanding this - is it her you're married to? Or are you no longer married? Or still married but had a relationship with this girl?

 

I'm still married but my wife and I are both high position business exec. We hardly have time to see each other. I'm treating this extra relationship more like a second wife and a life long partner and best friend.

[Mesemene]

I'm still married but my wife and I are both high position business exec. We hardly have time to see each other. I'm treating this extra relationship more like a second wife and a life long partner and best friend.

 

*blinks* so you want to know why your mistress left - because no matter how shiny the wrapper is, that, to you, was the best she could hope for.

 

Look at it from her point of view. It was probably fun for a while. There were definite benefits, including a mature supporting partner while she went to school. But what's in it for her to STAY?

 

No woman with a healthy self esteem wants to be a mistress for "life". She will eventually want "her own" family, kids and social circle WITH her family. You can't offer that when you're married to someone else.

 

And is your wife aware of your attitude, that you're seeking a second "wife" or lifemate because you "don't have enough time together?"

 

Honestly - your response left me gaping. There isn't even any indication of it being a marriage of convenience, just that since you're both so busy in a business sense, why not have another mate on the side for when wife isn't available?

 

Mind boggling.

[youngatheart88]

Thanks for your reply. She did finally said like you said after 6 months, which was last week. I would have to accept and move on. My wife is aware of what's going on. She also have her buddies while she travels and work. I just want someone more on the emotional aspect.

There are many open relationships but with one so young, I have to wonder if it's GIGS or it's like you said, it will expire sooner than later.

[mhowe]

With one so young, the relationship will run as long as the checks do...and she will be looking for an age appropriate mate to settle down with simultaneously.

Its not that complicated!!

[youngatheart88]

Thanks for all the reply. At any age and in any circumstance, it's hard to lose someone whom you have given your heart to.

I know I going to show my age, but I can't help but keep singing the Cat Steven songs, Wild World.

"Now that I've lost everything to you

You say you wanna start something new

And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'

Baby, I'm grievin'

But if you wanna leave, take good care

I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear

But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

 

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world

It's hard to get by just upon a smile

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world

I'll always remember you like a child, girl"

[sharky988]

Thanks for all the reply. At any age and in any circumstance, it's hard to lose someone whom you have given your heart to.

 

You reap what you sow. If you cheat on your wife with a girl young enough to be your daughter, you'd have to be an idiot to expect a happy ending.

[youngatheart88]

You reap what you sow. If you cheat on your wife with a girl young enough to be your daughter, you'd have to be an idiot to expect a happy ending.

 

Good one. You are right. Brain know this but the heart stills long for something, regardless the age.

Maybe I should start a new thread with this mid life crisis thing?

[lea2503]

I think this in ways applies to my situation, me and my ex were planning on taking the next step and start looking for our first place together (he suggested it). We are both in our early 20's.

He ends it out of no where and 2 weeks later is in a ldr with some girl.

I've come to accept that we got stuck in a rut with the same routine, work every day and seeing each other everyday, not going on dates and not doing things together as a couple except for seeing each other after work.

All we can do is focus on ourselves, grow as an individual and become the best self you can be. In these types of situations time can only tell what will happen.

[sharky988]

Good one. You are right. Brain know this but the heart stills long for something, regardless the age.

Maybe I should start a new thread with this mid life crisis thing?

 

Perhaps it would be better suited for the "Infidelity" section of this forum.