"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[yellowclaw1030]

My Ex is deffinantly going through GIGS right now.

 

2-3 weeks ago she broke up with me through a text after spending the whole day together, her talking about what she is getting me for christmas then kissing say i love you good bye. After that i attempted to talk to her in person about it but she really didnt want to talk and said I Love you but im not in love with you. So that friday night i went out with friends and ran accross an old female friend who i ended up adding on facebook. My Ex got extremely mad at me for this, but then i found out two days later she met a guy (who was her server at a restaurant) and ended up hanging out with him two days later. This guy is 10 years older then her (she is 20 he is 30) and from being with her for 2 years i do not think this guy is her type at all. Through all of this she has wanted to stay friend but i finally told her last saturday that i cant be her friend because of the feelings i still have. Its only been a few days but i have been keeping NC since the breakup happened a little over 2 weeks ago.

[Thorshammer]

GIGS:

 

They arent attracted to you as much as before (or ever for some), and something else opened the door for them to leave. If its another guy, if its a friend telling her about other guys, if its a party life-style, it wont matter...this is all just in the pot, not the sole reason. Someone has to doubt the grass they stand on... to want to check the other persons yard to see if its greener.

[PJK]

Does anybody else feel sorry for their GIGS ex? My ex-gf left me about 3 weeks ago for a guy who is nothing more than a drunk idiot. She has since lost contact with many of our mutual friends and started drinking a lot. I have lost A LOT of respect for her since the breakup but I still do love her. I just can't help but pity her at times, I really hope she snaps out of it before something bad happens, for her own sake.

[AtherisAvidi]

Been reading through this thread and its been a huge help. I really think it applies to my situation just wanted to see if you guys also think it applies. Most of the story is another post "Need Help" and "Struggling With A Really Rough Patch in The Relationship" But there are a few other things to it as well, I was her first, she did write poems about me saying how much she loved me and we were talking about being together forever very early on in our relationship. She was looking at wedding brochures and things online. I really do think this is a case of Grass is Greener Syndrome only difference to the cases that people are mentioning on here is shes the one who has shut off all contact saying she never wants to see or hear from me again. Is this still G.I.G.S what do you guys think?

[Ivan Jung]

Also, at least in my situation, my partner didn't want to seem to acknowledge the fact that the "honeymoon stage" doesn't last forever. Some people with GIGS constantly have to be "in love"

[NANNYSTUDENT]

This is the best forum post I have stumbled upon on here. Allllll of the reasons MayDay first listed apply to my situation. It was like reading my last 2 mos. life story on the internet complete with how I feel as the dumpee. I have decided officially to bow out of his life and accept that what he is going through is something he has to handle on his own (he is 24) and that I know I gave what I gave to the relationship and can walk away with my head held high. It is amazing though to read how we as the dumpee's feel because I was starting to think no one could possibly understand how frustrating this situation is.... to deal with someone just leaving your life, claiming they don't see it as permanent, crying, saying i love you, becoming interested in someone 7 years younger than them, and all they can manage to sputter out is I'm confused and I got scared (we had been together for 4 years, lived together for 3, involved in eachother's lives for 9 years, did ring shopping, housing plans, trips together) and then I get the I'm not happy but I don't understand why line from him. And since he has starting partying, drinking, and hanging out with a much younger crowd. It is like looking at the person you love and the only thing you can say is Huh?

 

Anyways just wanted to say I loved stumbling accross this.... makes me feel "good" to know I am not the only one who has gone through this. Kudos on an amazing post!

[littlelamb]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for all the great posts on here, your stories and experiences have been really helpful.

I'd like to share my story with you, as I am still trying to figure out why my bf left me (to get some closure and move on, after nearly 4 months). I'm not sure if it is a case of GIGS or not, so I'd appreciate your feedback.

 

To keep it short, we're both 25, and we were together out for 18 months. Our relationship was great, we were very compatible, shared the same interests and activities, and had lots of great experiences together. I got along really well with his friends and family, even joining them for Christmas holidays.

 

In January, the ex (who's in the military) received his 1st posting, about 2 hours from me. We were used to not seeing each other, but this move was accompanied by a change in job, routine, and social group for him. There were lots of nights out on the town with his new colleagues, and pretty serious hangovers as a result.

 

We didn't see each other most of February, due to his work-related travel, and my academic commitments. We had a wee argument over my not coming to see him (I needed to finish an essay) but I went to see him the next weekend. He acted a bit grumpy, but I just attributed that to stress and lack of sleep. We were still physically close, (cuddling, kissing, sex) and he told me that he loved me, as usual.

 

Five days later he came home and announced he wanted to break up. We were both crying, and he was holding me as he listed the reasons why he wanted to end the relationship. "I always thought you were The One but now I've changed. I'm not excited about us anymore, I can't see where this is going. This is all getting too serious and we have to stop it now or it will just be worse." He told me he still loved me and cared for me, but he wasn't 'excited' anymore.

 

We didn't speak for 6 weeks, when he called to tell me that while he had been happy, he "wasn't excited about our relationship or our future," and he "just couldn't be in a relationship he wasn't excited about." After 3 months, he came to see me for coffee "just to touch base" and we didn't discuss the relationship at all. Ummmm???

 

I'm doing ok now, keeping busy and trying to move forward. I'd like to get some insight into this so I can close this chapter and continue healing.Sorry this is so long, any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Jmora50]

Mayday 11, do you think you can write something on how couples fight and the different stages of it? What's healthy and what's not? My two year relationship just ended cause the fighting couldn't stop.

[PJK]

I think the idea behind the GIGS concept is that these are otherwise healthy relationships ending for seemingly no reason other than the dumper gets bored or just believes there is something better out there.

 

If you and your ex were constantly fignting the that's would signify underlying problems such as incompatibility. I don't think GIGS would apply to your situation.

[ZhaoZilong5]

What about G.I.G.S. in a LDR? My ex didn't want to move, and instead of talking to me about it, this exact scenario happened. I'm willing to move by the way, but that was stated after the break-up. How likely will she come back if I gave her space for 5 days the first week, and then space for good after the 2nd week? I already feel like I've started to move on, but I'm just curious.

[Baha]

Damn, i did this to my ex-ex girlfriend after 2 years. I didn't even realize it myself.

And now a girl after 5 months is doing it to me! And I was so confused and so is she, but not anymore...

 

I guess I will just have to walk away

[Tallman]

Bumping this for others

[vesper]

It wasn't a matter of gigos it was hey I'm in the pool drowning, your the grass, Get me out of the pool !!

[dreamstate83]

Although the end result doesn't matter, I can't help but wonder if my current ex suffered from this. For 2 months after the breakup I got to hear all of the "if we don't get back together ill be single for a long time", "you are an amazing guy", "I hope we can work this out" speech. Yeah that all pretty much ended when she got in a relationship with another guy

[meanestone1]

Hi Folks

 

I, regrettably, appear to be going through the 'symptoms' you have outlined. I am 20 and my girlfriend is 21 and we have been going out for just over a year. Deep down I love her more than anything, though sometimes I doubt this for no reason. I have been feeling like I want to split up with her for about 4 months just because I want to experience single life. This is not helped by the fact we are at uni at the moment, I know every single one of her past sexual partners in too much detail and I was a virgin before I went out with her. She has had a slightly more colourful sexual history than me, something my OCD tendancies won't let me forget even though really it means nothing. Despite this I know life on the otherside won't be greener. Not long ago, I split up with her, missed her like crazy and we got back together a week later. She was desperate to get me back.

 

I feel like I haven't had my crazy youth like she has. I feel like I need this to move on but I don't want to lose her. Is it my immaturity and insecurity that is making me think this? As your article outlines, I am pretty confused about the situation. After we got back together, it has pretty much gone back to normal with my mind thinking im missing out on the 'uni experience' and keep thinking about her and other men. You could say I'm a pretty typical case for this.

 

We are so good for each other. When we split up, she pretty much said I was the best boyfriend she had (I know it's not fair to compare relationships, but it gave my ego a boost). We very rarely argue and always have an amazing time together. I know if I split up with her again, I will miss her like crazy, but if I stay with her I think I might always wonder. Someone tell me to stop being so stupid!!!!

[FreeFallFeelin]

The OP hit the nail on the head.

 

And of course, where there's smoke, there is fire (feels like cheating because it is IMHO). The minute a person is looking outward from the relationship is the minute they need to either end things, or get serious about working things out. Leap frogging is emotional murder.

[loobee]

Hey everyone,

 

I stumbled to this site by accident while trying to find good reading materials to help me cope. Well my story in short :

 

My ex and i were friends since i was 15 and him 17. We were close friends. He had a gf then that lasted for a year and when i turned 18 he broke it off with her and got together with me three days later. As we were together. For six months. His ex would call everyday and cry. I would be sitting next to him and listening. And finally she stopped and we moved on. My ex and i have been together for almost 7 years. We have survived two years of ldr. We are happy most of the time and sharing joke and sex is not a problem. And he came home two years ago and i felt that things werent the same but i thought it was natural. Anyway. Three weeks ago. He dumped me. We argued about something and it just escalated and he finally called it off. (it was about work, arguments about his sister) so i was devastated because he already bought a ring to propose and we have talked of marriage and kids and the future. I cried and pleaded for us to work it out. He just insisted no. I asked him if it was someone else and he promised me it wasnt. That he had no one in mind. And i packed my belongings from his house and left. He hasnt contacted me for the past three weeks but the surprise is that. Last sunday, he brought this girl to his family dinner and his cousin messaged me to ask me what happened and told me about the girl. I had no clue it was a girl. Im caught speechless. He broke it off with me and went with this girl few days after we broke up. The girl is a colleague. Has only been in office for the last 3 months. So when the cousin told me. I went and did a little research and true enough. There is a photo of them in instagram.

 

Im just here because i dont understand. How he has no care for my feelings or what we shared together for the past 7 years and he can be so cold to me. He knows i know about his new relationship but he hasnt contacted me yet so far. How can he be so cold hearted? I would have tried working it out till we both have had enough. I just feel like he let go of what we had too easily. He is my first boyfriend and i totally saw the finishing line with him. I cant believe that some one i knew for so long can be so cold hearted. I have spent the last three weeks trying to fix myself by going to the gym and knowing what went wrong on my part to try to acknowledge and fix it WITH the hope that we would get back together. And i felt like i made such good progress but this news about the new girl just blew me backwards 40% and im back to crying and not getting why. It pisses me off also that he did not say it to me and made me hope up till now. He would just have me believe that he's working it out on his side to try to get us back together but no. He has a new girl now. I also dislike the girl for being able to say yes to him because everyone in his office knew about me and what we had and she totally did not wait for a grace period before jumping into his arms. Total biatch.

 

Haha. Sorry its so long. Opinions?

 

I have also been on NC with im for the past three weeks

 

I wonder if he's on rebound.

[naddy33]

So i had my GIGS..I was the dumper...i learnt my lesson and try to get him back after 1 year we broke up...both of us are single and we didnt date anyone else after the break up..

 

So, the thing is he does not want to accept me back and even refuse to give me 2nd chances..im trully heartbroken...i've tried to win him back for the past 8 weeks but it didnt work out...

 

Help please?

[Throwaway999]

I haven't read this whole thread because it is too long, but as for the post that started it:

 

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

 

Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

...these sound like symptoms of just about any breakup, ever. I don't think it has much to do with a person's age.

[Bobtheman]

I'm really happy I found this thread. Although finding it was just an accident, the views and stories discussed here really help put my recent breakup into perspective. Now I'm convinced my ex-gf got a case of the GIGS and this is why she decided to leave me for another dude out of the blue, even though she had told me almost a week before she left me that she had no doubt in her mind that I was the right guy for her.

 

I’ve heard somewhere that a couple with partners where there is an age difference with someone who turns 21, it’s a good idea to prepare yourself for the partner who reaches the legal age to leave. That’s because they have more freedom to go out and drink, go out and party at bars or clubs with friends, and want to experience this without the restraint of a relationship.

 

I feared I would go through something like this because I started dating my ex when she was 20 and I was 25. So after being together for almost a year, she turned 21, and I thought, “well, I shouldn’t be too surprised if she leaves me soon.” To my surprise, we stayed together for almost a year after her 21st bday, so almost two years total. I thought that I was out of the woods. But it seems like the GIGS reared its ugly head 2 months after she went away to Navy boot camp.

 

That’s when she decided to leave me after I asked her how she felt about me accepting a DJ gig on the same day she came back from Navy basic training.

 

You can read the story here:

[naddy33]

I’ve heard somewhere that a couple with partners where there is an age difference with someone who turns 21, it’s a good idea to prepare yourself for the partner who reaches the legal age to leave. That’s because they have more freedom to go out and drink, go out and party at bars or clubs with friends, and want to experience this without the restraint of a relationship.

 

I somehow agree on that...i decided to dump my bf after 4 years of relationship..just because i feel i wanted to be single..and yup, i was 21 at that time...but now when i want to go back to him, he refused...i should have known that..2nd chances doesnt happen always right?

 

If only he knows that i just need some space at that time..just to know myself and outside world...but its too late...

 

Out of curiosity, would u accept her if she comes back to u?

[Bobtheman]

Naddy33,

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. Unfortunately for those attempting reconciliation after a GIGS breakup, the desire to get the dumpee back may be there but that doesn't mean that he or she will want to give the relationship another chance. I think most of it has to do with the fact that the shock of such a cold break will leave the dumpee probably lingering around to see if the relationship can be saved. When they realize that there's nothing in their power to make things right, they'll do everything in their power to heal, and lamentably, part of this healing process could mean that they leave the dumper behind for good (in their mind, that is). In the meantime, the dumper's enjoying the freedom they so desired to get by breaking off a good relationship. They may even start seeing new people before properly mourning the end of the relationship. In your case, 4 years sounds like a long time to recover from. So eventually, what may end up happening is that the dumper realizes they made a mistake and will start mourning the loss of the relationship they ended, and may even want the old person back. Of course, the problem with this is that this whole time, dumper and dumpee where in diametrically opposed trajectories, which is too bad, because when you think about it, this only means that the idea of successful reconciliation is an illusion. Do you understand what I mean? Now, I'm not saying all GIGS scenarios end in tragedy, but the likelihood of the train departing the station is always there.

 

Now, you bring up a good question. Would I take her back?...

 

WELL...considering the fact she dumped me on FB after being together for almost two years, and the fact someone else told me she started dating another guy less than a week after she broke up with me, at first I felt she no longer deserved my time or attention, and that the end of this relationship was a good thing. In short, I thought I was completely over her. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I am not over her. I still love her and miss her terribly. I've been through my ups and downs for the past three weeks since we broke up, and every day, I try to put what happened behind me.

 

So, to really answer your question my mind tells me I should not take her back, but my heart tells me to give her another chance. Since our breakup, my mind increasingly agrees with my heart to give her a second chance. But I do have to be VERY clear that I'm not going to take her back just like that. She needs to earn my trust again, and show heartfelt repentance for how she treated me. On her end, this may very well be part of a maturing process that could take months, if not years, to happen. By then, I may already be with someone else or perhaps, heartbreakingly, over her entirely. But yes, if there's an opportunity for genuine reconciliation, deep down, I think I would take it.

[Snow93]

The OP has basically described to me exactly what went down when I was dumpe by my girlfriend. Although throw a long distance relationship into the mix and you really have the perfect storm.

 

She pretty much gave me points which I could easily counter when she described reasons for the break up and could never quite give me a straight answer.

 

She definitely started to act out of character too, even a few months before the actual break up. Drinking heavily, hanging around with people I know she has nothing (usually) in common with, and going for a tattoo (this was a big deal to us).

 

She threw herself at some other guy right after our break up who promptly used her and threw her aside straight after. And yes, she's said maybe in the future after we've had "time to grow".

 

I have bowed out of her life but man it hurts. Being long distance too, it's almost like she's died with the complete lack of connection we have now. It hurts after all we shared. Reconciliation will be that much harder with us not being in the same country anyway. I'm not sure if I would want it anyway. Much like was described in the OP, I think even if we did get together again there would be major trust issues (she was already on her second chance after cheating on me).

 

It hurts because I love her deeply and was willing to leave my country just for her and suddenly we're not even part of the other's life now. Still, thanks for the post. It makes me realise I'm not alone on this.

[naddy33]

BobthemanThank you for sharing your experience. Unfortunately for those attempting reconciliation after a GIGS breakup, the desire to get the dumpee back may be there but that doesn't mean that he or she will want to give the relationship another chance. I think most of it has to do with the fact that the shock of such a cold break will leave the dumpee probably lingering around to see if the relationship can be saved. When they realize that there's nothing in their power to make things right, they'll do everything in their power to heal, and lamentably, part of this healing process could mean that they leave the dumper behind for good (in their mind, that is). In the meantime, the dumper's enjoying the freedom they so desired to get by breaking off a good relationship. They may even start seeing new people before properly mourning the end of the relationship. In your case, 4 years sounds like a long time to recover from. So eventually, what may end up happening is that the dumper realizes they made a mistake and will start mourning the loss of the relationship they ended, and may even want the old person back. Of course, the problem with this is that this whole time, dumper and dumpee where in diametrically opposed trajectories, which is too bad, because when you think about it, this only means that the idea of successful reconciliation is an illusion. Do you understand what I mean? Now, I'm not saying all GIGS scenarios end in tragedy, but the likelihood of the train departing the station is always there.

 

Yeah..in my case, it does not turn out ver well since he clearly does not want me back in life...he told me it was too late as in only discover that i love him 1 year after the break-up...so within that 1 year, he was heartbroken and healed...and suddenly i came along and asked for 2nd chances...nobody in his place will do so...

so i guess i deserve this...but he keeps telling me that i will be fine..just give myself some time...at least 1 year (WHAT? Its only been 2 months i am hertbroken..and i still have another 10 months to go?) but yup, i blew it...

 

But, on the bright side, i learnt a lot from my mistakes..it somehow makes me more matured...and i know..i will heal ONE DAY. The only thing that i fear the most is to watch him with someone else while im still loving him [although he is single now,i always prepare myself if one day he will get into relationship with someone else]

[naddy33]

Bobtheman,

 

WELL...considering the fact she dumped me on FB after being together for almost two years, and the fact someone else told me she started dating another guy less than a week after she broke up with me, at first I felt she no longer deserved my time or attention, and that the end of this relationship was a good thing. In short, I thought I was completely over her. But I couldn't have been more wrong. I am not over her. I still love her and miss her terribly. I've been through my ups and downs for the past three weeks since we broke up, and every day, I try to put what happened behind me.

 

So, to really answer your question my mind tells me I should not take her back, but my heart tells me to give her another chance. Since our breakup, my mind increasingly agrees with my heart to give her a second chance. But I do have to be VERY clear that I'm not going to take her back just like that. She needs to earn my trust again, and show heartfelt repentance for how she treated me. On her end, this may very well be part of a maturing process that could take months, if not years, to happen. By then, I may already be with someone else or perhaps, heartbreakingly, over her entirely. But yes, if there's an opportunity for genuine reconciliation, deep down, I think I would take it.

 

 

 

Its just been 3 weeks right? of course u still love her....but what if it takes years for her to realise her mistakes? will u still love her? cuz in case he totally let it go after 1 year waiting...