joed

I agree Eyes. Especially when the contact is all negative, from the dumpee's perspective anyway. I've read a couple of theories, Blase Harris and loving 100% and an ebook, which both say don't give up even when the chips appear to be down. Then there's quotes aplenty as inspiration, one or two on this site. Anything which can not be a complete push should be tried. Of course this advice clashes with nc/lc in some ways. I even read one guy who said stop when there's a restraining order out, by then it's way too late though I figure. It's all so........well you know!

Here’s where it’s at. My gf split up with me 4 months ago now. She at first refused to discuss anything about the relationship because it hurt her. I think we’ve got to the point now where the issue for her is that she never felt good enough for me and she said last week, we talked about the relationship for the first time really, even if we were together it would still be in her head(the feeling she’s not good enough). I have been very undeserving of her love in the past but we’d got to a point where, by her own admission, things were ‘better’. We’ve been together 17 years BTW. Without going into too much detail I could sum my ‘crime’ up as completely taking her love for granted coupled with not putting as much into the relationship as she did, I can see that now and I’ve addressed those issues. The talk is of us remaining friends, suggested by us both, but from my perspective my ulterior motive is as friends we maintain contact, foot in the door, who knows. At each stage I feel I get more ‘clues’, or opportunities to try a different approach. If I can convince her I could make her feel she is good enough for me. If I can get her to understand that feelings come from thoughts and we are capable of controlling our thoughts and so feelings too. At the same time I have to remain mindful that she’s told me she feels she has to move on and she still feels she's made the right decision and although she’d “really like to be friends, it needs to be baby steps”. All I’m trying to do at the moment is get her to come out for a ‘date’, but she keeps refusing, as she’s still hurting, the split was hard on her too. I always believe I can change the outcome positively through talk, last week was a revelation in that I was finally able to grasp the issue. There are so many things I’d like to ask her e.g. we split up in 1993, my doing, and she welcomed me back with open arms after 6 months, yet she must’ve felt much more insecure then. She said last week it was “somebody else’s turn”, she’d had hers. How do I get this back? I tried NC back in November for a month, and although I felt she ‘fished’ as to what I was up to when I re-established contact to collect things from her house, she was adamant that she didn’t see me in her future. No discussion of the relationship at that point. I find it so hard because I know where I’ve gone wrong, or should I say where I could’ve gone more right and I know we could have the best thing ever. We had so much good in the relationship and it was the best it’d ever been in many respects. You learn a lot about each other in 17 years. Yesterday I thought of an analogy, which I wouldn’t tell her, there was her, me and our relationship(the baby). She did most of the carrying of the relationship for most of the time but I had been making more and more input and it was thriving. Then she decided she didn’t want the relationship anymore when it was finally really blooming. Now I feel I’m doing the carrying on my own and ‘the baby’ is becoming weaker and weaker and asking why. Why no more effort. And I feel that if I can just say something to change things, just one word, it’ll start to perk up and thrive once more. Hurt, confused and slightly further forward in understanding that 4 months ago regarding the real issue but what do I do? Still try to reason while we stay in contact, try the ‘one word’ theory. Try to forget her completely and tell her I can’t be her friend. Try longer NC, 6 months, a year. My mantra…. There has to be a way! I’ve done so much research into relationship theory/psychology, everything from ‘loving 100%’ to complete NC to always maintain some contact if possible. My heart goes out to you all......