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John Bendix

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  1. On this day of maternal recognition, what happened to the woman that was the mother of my children?
  2. Welcome to this thread. You are right. The familiarity of the stories here are eerie. My X also came from a emotionally dysfunctional family. Love was only given in material items. I have longed suspected that she was molested as a teen. Depression and alcohol problems were rampant. The part of your story, "therapist says right now she is just incapable of marriage and is not willing to accept marital responsibilities. He says it is not that she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t like what I represent (husband, responsibilities, accountability, make decisions together).", hits home. the raising of children is added in my case. I would take the advice that Lost has given you and run with it. He knows of what he speaks. please let us know how things are going with you. We have been through very similar situations.
  3. Lost, Thank you for your insight my old friend. I feel for my boys. I have nothing to live for but three to die for.
  4. To all those who have followed this thread, thank you and I hope it has helped. My saga continues without me being in contact with my X. My children still suffer with her irrational and destructive ways. they are all adults but miss the compassion of a mother. when I left Tx, my middle son moved in with her for economic reasons. She has used him as she has needed him. she recently threw him out for no apparent reason. "I want my house back", is all she could say. He left but still works with her. He called me last night crying that his co-workers told him that his mother was dishing him to all of them. When he left she called him to ask why he left. She started crying and yelling at him that her kids do not want to see her, and never came to see her after she left our house and more of being the victim non-sense. My other too sons are really upset. They have tried to over look her rants of irrationality, selfishness and lack of compassion but I think they have reached their limit. The surreal nature of her actions continues-----
  5. Scorn, Good to hear from you my old friend-
  6. lost, I went through the same exact thing. My X never paid one dime of the 50%. Lawyer said taking her to court was a economic bad move. As for Benga's point taking to her rationally, I hope that you can. in my case it is still not possible.
  7. Thank you for making my point to the poster since my experiences were discounted with a roll of the eyes.
  8. I am the original poster of this thread and thanks for letting us all now that this thread is long and takes many turns.? For what it is worth, my X had many underlying issues as you call them and still does. It makes it hard to have a "Relationship with the X" and thus the thread. What ever your situation was , most of these mentioned here may very well be different. Citing empirical data such 99% of the men you have spoke to does not seem to hold much credence. Explaining your situation does not diminish the overwhelming evidence for such spouses to exist in large numbers. And yes, contrary to what you believe because it might appear be an attack against your actions, these heartless, selfish, and emotional distressed spouses are out there in numbers. Roll your eyes all you care to. Does not change what is.
  9. I could write on this subject for a while and have on this thread. My kids were 12, 17, and 19 when the X moved out. They all begged me, before she wanted out, to take them with me when I left. Fortunately, the court awarded me to be custodial parent. The two minors signed affidavits that they wanted to live with me. The youngest refused to go to his mother's place for the court determined visitation. She would come over and plead with him but he refused. She would wait outside our house for days on end and call them but they would not even answer her calls. She would come to their games and they would hardly talk to her afterwards if at all. This did not do my heart any good. I was accused, to the kids and our mutual friends, of turning the kids against her for many years (It could not her doing in her mind. It had to be me poisoning them against her) without me being aware of it. The thought never crossed my mind to use and hurt my kids. I do not think in this type of devious way. My interest was them and remains so. In the past years, they deal with her in a strange sort of way. They now that she is extremely selfish, lies a lot and has a huge phoney side but they accept it because they want a mother in their lives. They will not or say do anything that will hurt her but that is a one way street. She refuses to see she has caused. She has told me that she has done nothing wrong. Who tried to calm them when they cried themselves to hysterics over their mother and her bizarre and surreal behavior? Who took them to therapists when they got clinically depressed, had (and still do) anxiety attacks, and got drunk as adults screaming, "Why did my mother leave me?". Let those here tell me how it was all about the left behind spouse not meeting the "needs" of the other until it was too late and they had no choice but to move on and that's alright. Talk to my children and let them feel the pain I witnessed in my children and had to get past in regards to the activities of the spouse that lost themselves and tried to take everyone around them with them without regard or compassion. It has been explained to me by many therapists that it is better for the children to be raised by one rational parent than two when one is emotionally incapable. When that other parent is so diminished that they in survival mode, emotionally, and do not have any thing left for anyone else. Hence the drastic self involved demeanor. The children are whats important. They are in a developmental stage of their lives. Give them guidance, love, and compassion. Compassion is identifying the connection that we all share with one another. It is the key to dealing with other beings. I have compassion for my X and what she has put herself through. I have expressed this to my children and I believe that they have this for their mother, unrealized by her but the truth never the less. They saw me upset many times, not over my situation, but by being unable to help their mother through her emotional and mental turmoil. Compassion-
  10. Brotherhood- I do agree with your assessment. It is this egoic search to obtain what one wants things to be even if that want is that of another person's actions. An impossible task to obtain. That dysfunctional drive manifests itself in unacceptable behaviour when that desire cannot be realized. As for believing that they are "worthy of this", I think it is more that they feel that they are somehow "entitled to this".
  11. "At that point, what the husband sees is what's called "putting up walls" and "mean, selfish, irrational, non-compassionate" behavior by the wife in the post above." is way past dysfunctional. If indeed someone's feeling have died "a natural death" then communicate that and move on. Do not treat the other partner with this type of unacceptable behaviour. It is not acceptable to treat anyone in these ways even if you have reached a frustrated level with getting your needs met. It is certain that when someone's emotional "needs" are met, the ego will also find more. If someone's determines that their emotional needs outweigh the connection the couple has attained, then indeed walkaway but in a civilized manner. The term Walkaway Wife or Spouse has been explained in this and other threads over and over again. It is a term denoting someone demonstrating this type of maladaptive behaviour.
  12. I have been reviewing this discussion for a while now. There is a difference between noting common events in these relationship breakdowns and searching for justifications for our actions. If we simply note the events that rationalize our behaviour and discount all others, we are not being objective. "Of course. One of the most common things ever. Usually how it happens, in my experience, is the marital partner (almost always the wife) identifies things wrong in the marriage (from her perspective, of course) and she's either not clear about what she's unhappy about or chooses not to tell him because "he should have the common sense to know how to conduct himself in a relationship", or the husband just doesn't get it when he's told, or perhaps chooses not to get it. After a while the wife stops nagging (that's how a husband often interprets these "talks", as nagging) and he thinks, great! All is well. The nagging has finally stopped. He continues on happily with the status quo while she has given up hope and is planning her exit strategy." This is almost word for word from Michelle Weiner-Davis and it has a huge amount of merit is describing the Walkaway Wife's perspective. There is an obvious breakdown in communication from both sides. That does not mean the communication cannot be re-established with effort on both sides. To quit on attempting to reconnect the strong connection appears to be, in these cases, from one side only. That one side is capable to do or say anything to destroy that connection in order to seek refuge from the perceived source of all its purported emotional misery, the partner. Even if it is to act in a manner that is mean, selfish, irrational, non-compassionate, and devoid of civilized interaction processes. To put up a wall to any attempt to meaningful communication from the outside is simply dysfunctional and psychologically detrimental to even the wall creator. To say it is simply a matter of how the end of the marriage is approached is the end justifying the means. That I cannot condone.
  13. Jeff, I would take the advice you are being given by Benga and use it. On a higher level it would be less painful you to realize that what she is doing is not causing you the pain that you you feel. It your reaction to her actions that brings your suffering. T he pain that you feel is your reaction, yours and yours alone. By simply recognizing this fact, your suffering will be greatly reduced. Easily said and only by accepting what is will your pain subside.
  14. My boys saw through my X for a long time. They were 13,18 and 20 at the time she left. They do not trust her. They see her having some emotional problems and huge swings in attitude for no apparent reason. My youngest never stayed with her in all the years he was a minor and dictated by the court to stay with her. She has always blamed me for "poisoning" them against her. They are intelligent children and I let them make up their own minds. I, too, did not act phoney around them or their mother. I did not want them to hate their mother. They began to realize that it hurt me when they spoke ill of their mother to me. Being honest with yourself and the world around you is the beginning of acceptance of what is.
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