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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


Mayday11

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Wow. I'm glad I came accross this. Some of this sounds like my ex, some of it doesn't so much. Could I get opinions on whether y'all think my ex has the "Grass is Greener" Syndrome? Here is the story...

 

He broke up with me on Saturday, March 14th (about 6 weeks ago). It was out of the blue! He spent the night with me Friday night, and it was fine--we had a little bit of "bickering" because I wanted him to stay up an hour later with me and watch a movie, but he wouldn't. It was all good though.

 

We woke up on Saturday, and he was all lovey dovey. We were sitting in the room with my family, and he was talking to me about how he was looking forward to having an apartment with me someday, getting married, etc.

 

2-3 hours later, we were out having lunch. I was in a bad mood due to something a family member had said earlier that day (plus, it was that time of the month. Sorry-TMI! ). Anyways, we were eating lunch, and out of nowhere he just says, "Since that last argument we had last month, I've had doubts as to whether I see a future with us or not" ...That upset me. I didn't say much at all, because I was too shocked. I didn't yell at him or anything, I just sat there in confusion and hurt. He drove me back to my house, and in the car he said, "Nothing I ever do for you is good enough" ...I didn't want to argue anymore, so I jumped out of the car and handed him $10 for gas. I went and sat on my porch. He walked up to me, threw the $10 in my face, and told me it was over. He then stormed off to his car and left.

 

 

That night, we had a long talk over the phone, and he said we'd work things out and that it'd all be okay. The next morning (Sunday), he calls me and says that it just isn't going to work--he's completely done.

 

Anyways...he told me that it was never about love, that he always loved me. He said that he didn't want to believe that we were done forever, but it was for good for now. He said that he and I could be friends, but he would not be FWB (I wouldn't do that anyways, jerk).

 

I tried begging, pleading, and reasoning with him for two weeks. No luck, obviously. He told me that it's "unhealthy for me to be expecting him to come back" and that I "just need to move on". He said he wanted his freedom, he was sick of all those little arguments, he didn't see a future with us, he wanted a life of solitude, and he wanted to be able to do whatever and whoever he wanted, when he wanted.

 

For the first 3-4 weeks after the breakup, he was drinking quite a bit. He also began smoking cigars after classes with friends. He started hanging out with friends more, and I know he's tried talking to girls. The thing about it--he's not really a "ladies man" so he doesn't get dates easily. Now, the past couple of weeks, he's just been spending all of his time studying apparently.

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  • 1 month later...
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here is my situation.. is this GIGS? I really need someone to talk to im so heartbroken over here

 

Me and my girlfriend of 6 years have broken up. Just last year, we had broken up because she had doubts about us and after 6-7 months I finally got her back. This past year it was going really well. Literally 8 days ago our relationship was the best it had been in forever. Then, she went to beach week with friends and things changed. My girlfriend is a nursing major so she has had no time to party and be with friends. While she was at the beach, she just let loose and had a great time with friends. when she came back she said that being there made her realize that she hasn't"lived up college yet" and that if i were to ask her to marry me right now she would have doubts. She said she doesn't really know if this is the right thing to do to break up, but if she has doubts then it is the best. What should I do? I just went through this last year with her and it killed me inside. its so heartbreaking and its so hard to just forget about the girl you love. The last time, we continually broke NC and it wasn't until I didn't break it that she came back. What should I do? I feel lost again and I hate this feeling.

 

Couldn't this just be that she was living in the moment and the initial luster of her week will wear off and shell realize it was a mistake? This happened so sudden it just feels like right now shes living in the moment

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She said that while she was at the beach, it "opened her eyes to a new world" and it made her feel like she hadnt lived the college life yet. She said that this is a real hard decision for her and shes not even sure that shes making the right decision which kills her. She also told me that there was no guy and I trust her because the last time we broke up and went through this she was completely honest with me the entire time. When there was a guy, she told me. And she had the opportunities in our conversation to be honest so many times and she continuously said NO to any guys. It was more of the I opened my eyes to a new life, I liked being in my own little world without any worries type of ordeal. She said she would really miss me and think about me a lot. She even asked if we could still talk and I said no because I couldnt be a friend. Also at the end she asked me twice if She realizes she made a mistake if she could tell me. And if I hated her for this and that me saying that were not meant to be together sounded really weird to her. Does this sound like a girl who is done with me? Or just needs time to realize she is just liiving in the moment and is making a big mistake

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I think we need more posts from dumpers...

 

I've been seeing my current girlfriend for well over a year. I genuinely think I love her but I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with her. Perhaps it has something to do with the lack of excitement in the relationship now. When we first started out I couldn't keep my hands off her and I was crazy about her. Now, it's just a relationship. I like spending time with her but if I don't, it's not that much of a big deal.

 

I think I fall into the category of "Grass is Greener" syndrome but I'm afraid to break up with my girlfriend because I don't think I'll find someone as devoted and loyal as her again. I'm also afraid of what she might do if I break up with her. She has said on several occasions that she doesn't know if she could live without me! I guess you could say that the grass I'm currently on is fantastic, what if the grass on the other side is patchy and full of black widow spiders?!

 

In addition, my feelings change from day to day. I always show plenty of affection so she will have no idea what is on my mind. If I do decide to dump her it will be completely out of the blue and I believe it would follow a very similar pattern to that outlined by MayDay11 in the first post.

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Hi, I happened to run into this thread only recently. I am currently going through a breakup and was clueless about why it happened in the first place. After reading this thread, it all became clear. She is a classic victim for the Grass is Greener Syndrome. In fact, she dumped me after the new guy had been there in her life for barely a week! Imagine that! Everything is going about alright. No major fights. Then new guy enters. A week later he asks her out and she dumps me. The usual showdown happens. Where she tells me she is sorry and I ask for another chance and assure her of fixing whatever it was that was wrong. Blah Blah. In the end, she goes ahead with this guy. Today, a month later, she is still apparently happy with him. However, I have completely backed out of her life now. She, in fact, is trying to get me to be friends with her, so we can hang around each other and have fun and do all the stuff that friends do (movies and coffee n all). Now, I have made it completely clear that that aint happening. I have to be her guy or I cant get myself to hang around with her. She says its too bad if thats what I am going to be stubborn about. And so there is a stalemate. Now my question is this: If I let her in on what this Grass is Green Syndrome is, will it make any difference? Because she is clearly missing me in her life and has told me so a lot of times. Yet, she is also apparently happy with the new guy. If I let her in on this GIGS thing, will it help her rationalise whatever feelings she is having for this new guy and help her come to terms with the fact that her decision to end things was a bit hasty? Will this give me a chance to reconcile things with her? Or am I better off just staying put and letting things take their own course, hoping that one day she will arrive at what is/was right herself? I have a feeling that if I tell her exactly how this GIGS thing happens, she may see things in a different light and probably consider getting back sooner rather than later. Please advise.

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  • 1 month later...

Moonbug - I'm not sure any of us are in a position to tell our ex's that they are going through a phase!!! It absolutely sucks, but having just read this thread it made me realise that in a GIGS situation - me and you in the same boat - there ain't much we can do, or say. If you do have a conversation about it, then by all means don't actually mention GIGS. I doubt our ex's realise what they are doing half the time, and that many of them are pursuing greener pastures that will soon wilt in the sun. But sadly, they still might not come back.

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I am a dumper, as well. I have hurt my ex so much, and it has been a difficult road for me accepting that. I have had pretty severe depression for a while - so much that this summer I have upped my counseling sessions, started taking antidepressants, and am in a partial hospitalization program for 5 1/2 hours two times per week.

 

I will never know what the dumpees feel like, but I know it is awful. I understand not having any sympathy for the dumpers - I am sure I would not if I were a dumpee either. It is awful for the dumpers as well, though. Believe it or not! I had been with my boyfriend since I was 17, entered college and wanted to live that "crazy" life. Though I looked at my ex and still do as my ideal partner. He is not perfect, but I love him despite that. That's how I know he was wonderful for me. I could not, for the life of me, understand why I no longer wanted the relationship and I have spent countless hours crying and beating myself up about it. I did the whole thing - stringing him along because I was afraid to let go. I didn't have a good reason for any of it. Like others have said, I didn't think I would find anyone better. It killed me that I felt this way. I hate myself for it all, but realize how much I have learned. I am 20 years old now, and am still dealing with the pain I've caused him and myself. He has forgiven me for everything and said he would not be opposed to trying again in the future, but that I would have to take of all of the issues I have. We've tried being friends, and he seems to be doing great. It's ME who breaks down when we're together. I have since gone NC, so that I can heal myself and be around my ex and have a healthy friendship/relationship. He is a wonderful man and I have been so blessed just to have known him. Self-esteem/respect, mostly. I am working on myself and becoming a better person. Looking back, I realize I wasn't fully capable of giving and receiving love in a healthy way. I am working on getting to that point.

 

I realize my ex may not come back around to me, but I will always adore him. I will always be grateful for everything I learned from him and our relationship, and I know I will be a much, much better, stronger, and loving person for it all. The grass is not always greener, but sometimes you have to experience that other side to realize that. I wish I hadn't.

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This is ... unbelievable insight to me. My girlfriend and I broke up for THIS EXACT CAUSE.

1. We are both 21.

2. We have been together about 2 years and were considering marriage.

3. She began to hang out with people that she usually didn't because I was working more.

4. She is now with someone who is a complete * * * * * * * .

5. I am sadly the dumpee that is not so sure what to think.

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Interesting hearing this from the otherside. My ex and I are apart now because she wants what you wanted; a crazy college life. I am now joining the Air Force (something I have been planning for years, not an impulse) and we have taken complete silence to one another. She told me that I was her best boyfriend, her best lover, and the best person that she had ever met... Yet she left me and is now with some JERK!!! I can't understand it. I love her so much, and she loves me. Ugh... Thoughts of a dumpee suck.

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I think it would interesting to learn more about how this affects the dumpees. Right now, I feel no sense of control on the split or the relationship. Knowing the other person is with other people make you feel helpless, useless, and crazy.

 

It truly does feel like your life is flipped. You want to do things you would never dream of doing before... good or bad... just like the dumper. Like hating clubbing before, but now you love it. I think this has to do with control too.

 

Such a dramatic change in your life permanently changes who you were and what you believed in.

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I have the ultimate GIGs story to tell all of you... I was just recently devastated after my fiance (of whom I've been with for 8.5 years, will be 9 this October, we cohabitated most of that time), moved out and dumped me out of nowhere.. She is 27 and I'm 29. I found her when she was 18 and she moved away from her hometown to live with her aunt and go to college. I helped her through this GROWTH phase and get her through school, we both have our bachelors...

 

I should've known in the beginning that this girl had severe emotional issues. This is how my story goes. It does involve some jealousy and mistrust that she caused in the beginning as well and now I don't even think I can trust ever again if she comes back. I should've taken the first incident as a sign of what was to come in the future..

 

When we first met, we instantly clicked and started dating right away... we weren't officially yet but we were highly affectionate and to me and close to being intimate, it seemed like we sparked a new found love for each other and we did everything but did not get intimate yet because she told me she was a virgin and i respected that and was willing to wait till she was ready... however, she seemed to have lead me on.. I dropped her off to the airport to go back to her hometown a month or two after we already had started this honeymoon phase... Then she comes back..and we continue what we left off.. a month or so later, we finally get intimate.. and in the heat of the moment (im not sure if i can remember that far but either she told me or I asked her about her virginity) and she told me that she gave it up when she went off that weekend to a high school fling she was never ever going to see again! That wasn't even her ex boyfriend.

 

I was devastated... but since I was already in the heat of the moment and in love wiht this girl, I continued... fast forward several months later, I told her to drop contact with some other dude she had a fling with on her AOL instant messenger, she took the guys name off in front of me.. I logged back on her account a few weeks later to find him back on! Her excuse was "he's just a friend." I was so pissed because she obviously did not understand how much she broke my trust from the initial mini-affair that she had.. by this time we were already officially together...

 

 

Fast forward 8 years later, I've been tormented with a green eye jealous monster no matter how much she tried to earn back my trust (or maybe she didn't, maybe she was just good at hiding resentment.. more on this later).. I was never really possessive or controlling but if we get into arguments or whenever I saw signs of a lack of loyalty from her, I could easily bring up the past as ammunition and hurt her back.. She was able to deal with this and swept it under the rug.. We would have these arguments maybe 2-3x a year but she would never bring it up as if it bothered her when we werent' arguing..

 

Last January, I proposed to her, she had shopped for her dream ring and also was all excited to plan her dream wedding.. the week that we were about to set the date with the church and put a deposit on our venue, we got into our FIRST argument (4 months after engagement).. I had just recently lost a job the week before so I was depressed and needed to vent out to her.. however, she was on the phone with a cousin (who she considers her little sister) who I never liked her associating with because that girl cheated on my friend and told her the bad news that she's marrying her new baby daddy (after 6 months) and she was with my friend for 3 years and aborted his child.. that was another sign that my fiance had issues.. she associates with other insecure unstable women!!

 

So anyways, everything I wanted to vent out became an argument about why does she seem to always accept her cousins behavior.. I immediately clumped her with her cousin and made her an enemy.. saying "i don't understand why stupid girls do stupid things to guys" and so I brought up how she did something stupid to me in the beginning... she was fedup...

 

The next morning she went to work and never came back home... she slept at a friends house and emailed me saying she wanted me gone while she packed her stuff.. she said she was going on a 2 month BREAK (not a breakup)...we did no contact (well, she would initiate short emails on transferring the bills over to me because she had found herself her own apartment already)...

 

while on this 2 month break, she was partying and starting to associate wiht a bunch of other single ladies.. her sphere of influence (sex-in-the-city type of girls) were all girls who had their own share of commitment issues. Her best friend called off her wedding, her other friend divorced her man after 1 year in marriage and strayed at the end and then she got dumped by her rebound, her other cousin and best friend all had multiple boyfriends (they can never hang on to 1 guy.. we've seen them with 4-5 guys the whole time we've been together)..

 

so she's been having tons of fun, PARTYING, DRINKING, changing her lifestyle.. smoking, buying new clothes, really dressing alot different.. she was conservative and not much of a party girl when she was with me!!

 

the 2 months was up and she emailed me to meet a dinner and ive been put with false hope that she wanted to start slow.. boy was I wrong!! The day MJ died was the day she dropped the bomb on me.. I noticed the ring was not on her hand and she gave it back to me saying she COULDN'T FIND HERSELF knowing she was still engaged to me!! I died a slow 2 month miserable breakup only for her to reinflict the pain again.. (first her moving out was a drastic change, we were practically married already)..

 

Now she's continuing her usual lifestyle.. She went to vegas 4x in 2.5 months which is a world record for her! Each time with different single girls.. She doesn't realize that these miserable girls are trying to get it into her head that "single life ain't all that bad"..but deep down inside they are all miserable im sure!! we probably had the most respectable and longest relationship out of all them...

 

That new song by DAVID COOK "Come back to me" really describes what alot of dumpees are going thru with these types of women... people have told me that I'm glad I did not marry this girl because she obviously wasn't that into me in the beginning and she proved herself confused again in the end...Im her first love and her first boyfriend so all she knew was me..but she hurt me at both ends of our relationship.. my jealousy/mistrust was a partial factor and add that to her GIGs syndrome and it was a recipe for disaster... Almost a 3rd of my life is gone and all that I've planned for is gone.. I turn 30 in 6 months and now I wonder what will happen.. I don't know if she'll coem back but as many others have said, how will I know she won't walk out on me again?? She better come back with full remorse and a sincere explanation.. In my final words when she broke our engagement, I told her "why aren't we forth fighting for and seeing a 3rd party counselor.. how are you coming up to this decision, you're getting your advice from your girlfriends who cna't relate!"..

 

So yeah, the damage has been done.. Its not even about me forgetting about the beginning of our relationship, she did it all over again and wants to be selfish and have her cake and eat it too.. if we get back, i'll be insecure that she'll build all this resentment and run off on me without any notice.. I Was blindsided... no warnings whatsoever.. we were a happy couple ready to talk to the priest just the night before..

 

this girl left me at the lowest possible time of my life.. i was there throughout her growing stages but she wasn't there to help me thru mine.. she's had a stable career and was starting to spend more time outside of the relationship so im sure she feels like this relationship isn't that important to her anymore...

 

i have no choice but to move on and run as far away as I can.. I don't know if I can get hurt a 3rd time from this lady.. I lvoe her to death and I take part of the blame for my jealousy pushing her to make this decision.. but a part of me wonders if she was really happy being a settled down women with me or whether she was tryign to hard and losing her true desire in being in this relationship... people were telling me "the girl you see now is who she chooses to be, do you want to marry that?".. i don't know if she'll come back and realize what really makes her happy and i don't know what my feelings will be like for her by then..

 

I didn't chase her or anything and I've been holding on to NO CONTACT for as long as I can... She did realize how devastated I was at the restaurant when she handed me back the ring.. she planned it that way so I couldn't get any more emotional in public.. i never knew she had the strength to pull something like this off.. I guess my final closure will be once I start seeing her rebound right away... I don't want to be the first to rebound because my heart is not ready.. but seeing her with another person would give me a reason to start dating others... and just make me hate her even more since she wants to test the waters after breaking a promise to marry me...

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Your situation is very very close to mine. I was with my ex fiance for 6 years, friends for 8. We met in college. We got engaged 2.5 years after we started dating. Then he decides to further his education, 2,000 miles away. I went with him but could not find a job so I had to move back. During that time he found new friends, single friends and a best friend who is 8 years older and divorced (very negative towards marriage.) Did i mention the best friend does not like me. Well he has only known this guy for 2 years, nothing compared to how long i knew him. As you can I tell i blame the friend for some of it. Anyways, he comes back after finishing and two weeks after coming home he tells me he doesnt love me anymore. I come to find out a few weeks after breaking up with me he is out partying, staying out all night. He is 3 years younger and must feel as though I was holding him back. That was 2 months ago and I havent talked to him since, not a single word. He hasnt spoken to me either. I am devastated as you are.

 

I wish I could tell you that things will be peachy in a couple months but it is HARD. there are moments when it feels better but he took away everything (it feels like that.) Its sounds like your ex and mine are being VERY selfish people at the moment.

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I don't know how long that feeling will last! I am over the initial pain and grief, but there is still that part of me that almost hates my ex for doing this to me too. He promised to marry me and then he spilt. He said I was holding him back. Why the heck couldn't he tell me that A LONG TIME AGO? I feel extremely used. Yes, I'm getting over it...doing other things and whatnot...but when it comes down to it, I just can't really rid myself of the feelings of injustice.

 

All along, he never struck me as the time to pull this crap. He was so serious about me...and then he bailed to "find himself." It IS extremely selfish. He is not a baby boy anymore...he should have figured that out when he was young. Now that he's almost 30, he wants to pull the mid-life crisis bull?

 

I do feel like it is an injustice. We trusted these fools' words: that they were going to marry us. We already felt almost married anyhow. Then while we're at the crux of starting a family, and usually after something happens to us like we get laid off, they up and leave us high and dry!

 

We're left feeling hopeless about our futures and although we try to build new ones (believe me, I'm trying), it's not the same one bit. Sure, I can get a new job eventually. I can take up new hobbies and get in shape (already working on those), but where the hell does that leave my dream of getting married and starting a family with the man I LOVE who claimed to LOVE ME AND WANT A FAMILY WITH ME?!

 

yeah, sure, we can listen to those annoying people who say that a family is not everything. Relationships are not everything. But I'm not going to deny it. I've always wanted a family. Sure I can live without it, but it sucks when I see people with their beloved partners and children enjoying family activities in the community and I know that it's what I always dreamed of too but can't have it.

 

It sucks. You can't just pretend couples and families don't exist or make yourself not want that. And it's not like I just want to marry ANY person. I'm picky and I want someone I'm in love with who loves me. So this is a major setback IMO. It's hard to deal with. I'm trying, trust me, but it's hard.

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"yeah, sure, we can listen to those annoying people who say that a family is not everything. Relationships are not everything. But I'm not going to deny it. I've always wanted a family. Sure I can live without it, but it sucks when I see people with their beloved partners and children enjoying family activities in the community and I know that it's what I always dreamed of too but can't have it."

 

i definitely agree with this. i'm 19, but so what. i LiKED having my best friend/boyfriend around. i didn't care what else was out there because i was happy. and guess what? i wouldn't mind having that best friend and more relationship in my life again. you support each other and enjoy being together. why is being "tied down" viewed as the end and not an adventure?? I would much rather experience new things with someone I care about than a stranger. You can learn new things/experience them with other people WITHOUT dating them. I'm a journalist and have met so many different people through interviews.. not because we went on a date!

 

i think GIGS is just stupid. it's all about the excitement of new relationships and attention from the opposite sex. they take for granted someone who thinks the world of them to get an adrenaline rush for awhile. idiots.

 

i hope your situation improves womanwriter. you didn't deserve that crap. not sure why it happens to ppl who don't deserve it?

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With a reconciliation being more likely if the dumpee completely exits the dumpers life, does a reconciliation start when the dumper asks the dumpee to be friends after 8 months of the break up, with no contact before then??

 

Ive been split for 8 months and still haven really gotten over my ex. I still miss her, and pictures of her with her new guy have upset me. But recently, she has tried to initiate contact via facebook. What is she playing at?? We hadnt spoken since october. Im confused and very p***ed off. Does she wanna initiate contact because she misses me?? Or because our friends 21st is coming up soon. Shes still gorgeous. But im not sure what it means!! Help is appreciated

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Early twenty-itis.....brilliant!

 

This post is really good, i know some might disagree, but in a strange way its kinda helped me put my problem with my ex into perspective.

 

We were about to move in together (we're both 20), going really well, both looking forward to doing it. Then all of a sudden she developed worries and became distant, eventually breaking up with me.

 

I know everyone says it, but we had very few problems before this. I truly do think age has a lot to do with breakup. Pity it happens though!

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Great post. This is exactly what happened to me. Though unlike some people who have contributed to this thread, my girlfriend broke up with me after just a month, giving no reasons. I never asked. Now I understand. She thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. I have made what is possibly a mistake though. We are still friends.

 

I don't want to cut her out of my life completely. Firstly, because I don't have many close friends, especially not female. Secondly, because she is amazing. So what's the best thing I can do? Stay friends with her, but keep contact to a minimum?

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This is probably a bit diffrent to the usual gigs question. But when someone is depressed and they cant deal with a relationship even though they have been told that i would walk every step with her and try to work through her issues. They decide to break up , if the relationship was good and it was all there and not the reason for the depression, do they often come back when they are out of that hole?

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lighthouse, she has no healing process planned , she just wants to carry on as she is, cant see a way out, i mentioned anti depressants or therapy, at one point she was almost open to the idea but then she says i have tried tablets in the past and a councilor wont have lived my life so they wont be able to help. It`s like ](*,).

She drinks every night and cant see that , that adds to the depression, she says she doesn't know how i can love her when she doesn't love herself. I think she does believe i love her and that seems to scare her again. Its like she cant do with having someone else`s feelings to deal with.

Thats why i played it cool with lc, but she mentioned future thing`s which i tried to wash over, as not to panic her, but after her mentioning maybe i should ask to marry her i had to say some thing. Thats when i asked her if she wanted a relationship again , and she paniced and said we are just friends.

It is very hard and confusing.

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Yeah dont put the relationship on the table , they cant seem to deal with that at all. I just had to in the end because i thought she was going distant because i was blanking over what she was saying to me.

The weekend before we stoped talking we went out with her kids, she said on phone after , did you think i was happy then, because i wasnt i never am, its not to do with you just me, i put on a face. She will admit she is more happy with me than without me.

Im sure she is letting me go for my own good. All through the l/c she was saying we are just friends and im scared i am holding you back from meeting the one. In our last few txt exchanges were she was saying , you want more than me and this friend thing is`nt working out, i said well what was i meant to say when you were txting me saying that i looked good that day and you wished you were good enough for me, and the phone chat were you said perhaps i should ask to marry you, and buying a house as "friends" but shareing a bed. She said yes but through it all you seem to be forgetting that i said i wanted you to go with someone else. I think all the rest out weighs that. I replied i know what you said, but through it all the under lyeing thing was that you wanted it all but were scared stiff. She didnt deny that.

I left it with i hope if you ever want it you wont be afraid to get in touch.

Like you say they are not normal breakups, there are to many issues involved. To know that on the whole you work with some oneand if they would just open up and work through it with you. But as everyone says you cant help some one who doesnt want to be helped, or is afraid to face there issues.

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Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

 

Yeah I just found this thread and sure enough, all so familiar. (above quote) Is so amazingly on target. How can they all come up with that same line, thought process?! It's almost scary. Like they are hedging their bet and making sure you pine away for them, while they live it up. Bleh.

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