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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


Mayday11
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When they close down on you like that then that just means their thoughts are "elsewhere". That's exactly what happened to me - they start playing different music and off in a world of their own. Lala land. I'm afraid you've lost them by then. They become a victim of temptation in other areas - fresh green pastures you could say. Ultimately once the honeymoon period is over, that lovely grass suddenly needs mowing and maybe a few weeds in there too.

 

Sounds like she had quite a lot of control too so you're best off, moving on and showing yourself what you're capable of. When you get another woman (and you will) you'll look back and chuckle to yourself.

 

What got me is that she just shut down 3 times, but every time we got back she would always push it forward.She is a very down person, doesnt like her looks etc, not confident, moans about things and panics about thing`s you should just take in your stride. Another weird thing she was saying how she was happy before on her own, but when i met her she was very down, crying etc Perhaps in time she will see that the grass isnt greener, but why would i want to go through the pain of the last couple of months again, where i cant trust her feelings

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What got me is that she just shut down 3 times, but every time we got back she would always push it forward.She is a very down person, doesnt like her looks etc, not confident, moans about things and panics about thing`s you should just take in your stride. Another weird thing she was saying how she was happy before on her own, but when i met her she was very down, crying etc Perhaps in time she will see that the grass isnt greener, but why would i want to go through the pain of the last couple of months again, where i cant trust her feelings

 

She doesn't sound like relationship material I'm sorry to say. An old cliche but you've got to love yourself before anybody can love you. If she is just bringing insecurities to the table, then as a loving partner you can help her, but if that doesn't work then she needs time alone to work through them.

 

It just appears to be lots of negatives flying in your face from her and how can you really be happy like that?

 

Like I said before, you deserve better than that. Let her become the person she has to be first and maybe you'll meet her at a more appropriate time in life.

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I have wondered the same thing. It is one thing when two people have their problems and decide to move forward and work on them to better their marriage. But it seemed once it was pretty much confirmed that there were three of us in this marriage my whole attitude towards "working" on things had gone out the window. Everything sort of seemed to spiral down hill once I found out there was someone else.

 

I think in your situation, your wife is young, confused, and maybe settling down to some people means you have to give up a part of you (as to become one). I think for some people, like my husband it is like a death of sorts and people think that their independence is being taken away. Even though I always encouraged him to do things that made him happy.

 

She may and probably will see that the grass is not greener on the other side because she is going to the other side completely. There are a lot of things that men and women have in a relationship that two women just cannot have. And you know how many problems one woman has, can you just imagine two women with problems?

 

Try to be strong and know just like in my situation, you were not the cause of this situation and if you did contribute to any problems the two of you were having, she should have put them on the table for discussion. However it sounds like she was the one having thoughts and was to embarrassed to put those on the table.

 

Good luck!

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I'm very sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very similar to mine.

 

My husband just decided after 7 years together and being married only 4 months that we made a mistake and shouldn't have gotten married. He now says things about our relationship and I wonder if I'm talking to the same person. The only thing I could think of when this all started was who was the other woman. I just couldn't wrap my arms around the idea that this was a sudden realization for him and that someone else was making him question his commitment and marriage.

 

We do not have joint accounts but do have a home that will need to be sold. Going through a divorce is no fun and I wonder what was the point of all of this? He has already been married once and now is getting divorced for the second time, with each marriage not lasting a year.

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WOW. I broke up with my ex because of EXACTLY all the reasons above. It was a CLASSIC, CLASSIC case of GIGS. 6 months after the breakup, when I realized how perfect we were for eachother and how he was REALLY finally moving on, I got doomed. I lost him, for now.

 

One thing I learned: be careful with GIGS. It might sound harmless and that you are "living life" and not in love anymore, but you can risk losing the love of your life.

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WOW. I broke up with my ex because of EXACTLY all the reasons above. It was a CLASSIC, CLASSIC case of GIGS. 6 months after the breakup, when I realized how perfect we were for eachother and how he was REALLY finally moving on, I got doomed. I lost him, for now.

 

One thing I learned: be careful with GIGS. It might sound harmless and that you are "living life" and not in love anymore, but you can risk losing the love of your life.

 

I keep thinking my ex will think that, as she always said i was all she ever wanted, and i cant think of 1 thing i did wrong. I know she was very down and just wanted to be on her own. Saying how she was hapy before meeeting me. She wasnt she was crying twice when i bumped into her as mates. I dont know what the hell has happened to her.

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My one managed 5 yrs together and hit the eject button with the wedding 6 months away. Her longest relationship before me was 6mths - these kind of losers aren't worth our time. I feel cheated out of a good future and now I'm gonna rebuild it from scratch and make something real.

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She doesn't sound like relationship material I'm sorry to say. An old cliche but you've got to love yourself before anybody can love you. If she is just bringing insecurities to the table, then as a loving partner you can help her, but if that doesn't work then she needs time alone to work through them.

 

It just appears to be lots of negatives flying in your face from her and how can you really be happy like that?

 

Like I said before, you deserve better than that. Let her become the person she has to be first and maybe you'll meet her at a more appropriate time in life.

 

I know she had a lot of problems, a couple of people told me she had issues. She drinks half a bottle of vodka a night, cant take any form of critisisum i found out. Me and her little lad diagreed with her one night and she started crying, i didnt know where to put my self as it was over nothing. The problem is you think if you love eachother enough you can fix it. She said to her sister on our last break, that if she couldnt work it with me , she couldnt work it with anyone. Who knows what she thinks now after so many days nc.

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I do feel at times that I have been cheated. But I'm not so sure we've been cheated out of a good future. What started all of this with my husband was my trying to open up to him and tell him that I thought we needed to work on things. I was trying to reach out to him in order to better our marriage.

 

He took that as he could never make me happy, maybe it was a mistake to get married, etc.

 

All I can think of is what if I told him I had some horrible disease or something that was very bad. Would he have stuck around for the real challenges that we will face in marriage?

 

I don't know about you but my heart hurts terribly but my mind tells me there is something better waiting for you out there.

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OMFG! This is EXACTLY WHAT I DID! Hit the nail on the head. I am female and 27 and it was a four year relationship! Ran after some guy that was totally not compatible with me and dumped me after a few weeks. Did the Mixed message thing with my Ex. Lets just wait.. Not sure yet.. etc. etc. And (like you said in your post) I am finally figuring it out almost exactly a year later. I have ruined my love life completely. Hurt the person I love most in my life... And it just is all hitting my in the face now.. Like I'm realizing what a mistake I have made.... Like the fog is clearing. i don't know know what to do... I basically destroyed my and my ex's life... And As the situation stands I don't know if he will ever forgive me.

 

he decided to give it another try 4 weeks ago... and a week ago he dumped me.. saying he couldnt do it. He can never feel the same about me again... Which I can't blame him ...

 

I am devastated. This has been the longest, hardest, most painful week of

my life. I am going to seek counseling and am considering anti-depressants.

IT is so much harder to deal with knowing that IT WAS ME that did this TO ME. It's something else when it happened TO you .. but when you do it to yourself... F****!

 

This post does make me feel a bit better as I know that it's not just me.. I am not alone.. that this is something human in nature....

 

 

I don't know what to do.. I want to go to him.. and try again... or SOMETHING.... BEG and BEG for forgiveness.. BUt I am scared. I dont know if this is just futile and I am just setting myself to be hurt again. I dont know if he will ever take me back... GOD this is soo hard...

 

 

***Why do you think girls are more dispositioned to do this??

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That's tough to hear. Hopefully you have learned something from this experience. Don't beat yourself up. I am in the dumpee position and you simply did what you thought would make you happy at that point in time, nobody at fault. You're only human. What are you doing to move on?

 

Regarding why girls more "dispositioned" to do this. I don't think it's just girls that do this, it's either or. I think people simply get tired and start to question what they got accustomed to, sometimes they leave for better or for worse, it's just different. Maybe you were too young to get into a serious relationship and didn't know what you wanted out of life, so you wanted to date around. Now that you see that there isn't much better, you realize that it was a mistake. You've learned something, at the expense of a relationship. Regret will teach you how to make any hard decision.

 

You did hurt your ex, but you didn't do anything outside of your God given rights. What do you mean you destroyed your life and your ex's? Maybe the pain is blowing things out of proportion.

 

Has your ex moved on since then? I'm curious to see if he got over it, since I'm in shoes.

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I do feel at times that I have been cheated. But I'm not so sure we've been cheated out of a good future. What started all of this with my husband was my trying to open up to him and tell him that I thought we needed to work on things. I was trying to reach out to him in order to better our marriage.

 

He took that as he could never make me happy, maybe it was a mistake to get married, etc.

 

All I can think of is what if I told him I had some horrible disease or something that was very bad. Would he have stuck around for the real challenges that we will face in marriage?

 

I don't know about you but my heart hurts terribly but my mind tells me there is something better waiting for you out there.

 

 

Don't beat yourself up over this. You did the right thing approaching him first by letting him know how you feel. His reaction to this is at worst, feeble and immature. As much as they may convince you early on, some people are just not cut out for the long haul.

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I know she had a lot of problems, a couple of people told me she had issues. She drinks half a bottle of vodka a night, cant take any form of critisisum i found out. Me and her little lad diagreed with her one night and she started crying, i didnt know where to put my self as it was over nothing. The problem is you think if you love eachother enough you can fix it. She said to her sister on our last break, that if she couldnt work it with me , she couldnt work it with anyone. Who knows what she thinks now after so many days nc.

 

She needs some counselling - her drinking is just a cover up for other issues. Get her head sorted out and the rest will follow.

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Well, it's interesting to see this from the other side. Thank you for offering up your honesty.

 

You know, everyone deserves a 2nd chance but you seriously have a mountain to climb. If you were lucky enough to win your ex back then the relationship dynamic would be different. Perhaps you had too much control before and now this would go back to him and so on.

 

These changes could be for the better so start climbing gradually if that's what you feel you need to do.

 

Show him you love him.

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To be brutally honest - Women can't turn off the greener grass syndrome.

 

Only experience can turn it off.

 

its tough to turn it off because its something that will continue to grow stronger the longer they hold back.

 

you did what you had to do, its no one's fault. it may happen again it may not, just take this time to use your freedom and to keep exploring. keep yourself busy and experience new things.

 

im in almost the same position as you .. im taking a huge risk but i understand the consequences.

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He hasn't moved on I don't think... He just has put me on a much lower priority in his life. If anyone else in his life wants his time .. they come first even if we have made plans... Basically he doesn't go out of his way for me. It's on his terms.

 

BUT, He still wants to hang out with me as 'friends', spending time, watching movies, going hiking, making love...

 

But he won't commit and he wont spend his time freely with me. Keeps a distance.

 

I am sure its to protect himself... As long as he's not my bf I can't dump him..

So it keeps him safe.

 

It is hard for me... As long as we hang out I have an inkling of hope that we could be together. I don't know if I should keep trying, go along, as we are, as friends and use this time to prove myself to him and hope to win him over eventually.... ???

 

But at the same time I run the risk of investing alot of emotional energy and risk being rejected again and again and never having a full relationship, and not being able to fully move on from him if it truly doesn't work out....

 

I am SO SCARED OF EITHER DECISION!

 

I am inking towards the first option..because My true realization of what I have been doing has ONLY started to DAWN on me literally 4-5 weeks ago, before that I was all wishy-washy with him... So I haven't had much time with him in my new state to prove to him I care...

I think I have alot of making up to do...

 

I guess i have to judge for myself weather the risk is worth the reward...

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Well, it's interesting to see this from the other side. Thank you for offering up your honesty.

 

You know, everyone deserves a 2nd chance but you seriously have a mountain to climb. If you were lucky enough to win your ex back then the relationship dynamic would be different. Perhaps you had too much control before and now this would go back to him and so on.

These changes could be for the better so start climbing gradually if that's what you feel you need to do.

 

Show him you love him.

 

 

Yup I sure do have a mountain to climb...

 

I think thats the mistake I made when we got together a few weeks ago.. I was demanding for it to be back to the way it was before all this... I wasnt giving him his space and time to adjust and got to needy to fast... and I didnt really prove to him anything either...

 

 

I think I will take a slow and steady route this time and try to prove to him that I love him...

 

Again taking the risk, that I Could waste ALOT of time and emotional energy... if it doesnt work..

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its tough to turn it off because its something that will continue to grow stronger the longer they hold back.

 

you did what you had to do, its no one's fault. it may happen again it may not, just take this time to use your freedom and to keep exploring. keep yourself busy and experience new things.

 

im in almost the same position as you .. im taking a huge risk but i understand the consequences.

 

 

True True.. fate had weaved it's web....

 

 

IF you are in the beginning phase of grass is greener and are in a healthy relationship right now... take my advice ..

 

THINK VERY VERY VERY HARD ABOUT IT!!! You don't want to be in my position.. this is the most devastating thing I have ever gone through in my life... especially thinking about how much I hurt someone I love...It kills me..

 

PLEASE... I wish I had seen this post 9 months ago and had someone smack me out of my delirium...

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Yup I sure do have a mountain to climb...

 

I think thats the mistake I made when we got together a few weeks ago.. I was demanding for it to be back to the way it was before all this... I wasnt giving him his space and time to adjust and got to needy to fast... and I didnt really prove to him anything either...

 

 

I think I will take a slow and steady route this time and try to prove to him that I love him...

 

Again taking the risk, that I Could waste ALOT of time and emotional energy... if it doesnt work..

 

Things should be different when you get back together. These differences are for the best though. Things you've learnt from your time apart that you can give each other instead of giving to your next lover.

 

Take it as slow as you possibly can. Mend his broken heart gently and in time his trust will be renewed. It must be one of the hardest things to do but prove you mean it and DO NOT WORRY HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE IF YOU LOVE HIM!!

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Wow, this thread really fit into my situation. Her answers to why she broke up with me are all over the board. She told me she isn't sure she is in love with me, but that time apart may tell her. It happened very very suddenly. One day things were great. 3 days later I get a call after she had some time to think while driving and broke things off there and then over the phone. I don't know about her lifestyle because we have been doing a long distance relationship. The same goes for not knowing if she started seeing someone else, but I think she has. Our relationship was 4-1/2 years. We both recently turned 27. I was planning to propose to her soon and was planning to move close to her soon, b/c I'm currently a graduate student and will be finishing up. I think this may have caused a panic, and she told me that she was fearful of me living close and was "afraid of that fear". We were also each other's first serious boyfriend/girlfriend. This seems to fit pretty well with the thought process of the GIGS.

 

I actually felt the same syndrome 6 months before the breakup. I was very close to breaking things, but then decided to keep it going to see if my mind changed, which it did. I was literally one word away from saying let's take some time apart. I even met a girl that showed extreme interest in me, making it all the more appealing to try being single again. I didn't know if I was in love with her, etc... I very much realized that I loved her later on (before the breakup).

 

That is great to hear that there are decent odds of getting back together. I've worked on changing myself. It doesn't matter how much time it would take her to come back to me, because I know I love her and realized that just before the breakup (bad timing). Right now I'm trying NC to give her some space. Does anyone have any suggestions for reconcilliation when a girl has the GIGS? Should I just wait for her to contact me again some day? We had a LDR, and I'm going to be visiting her city for business in a couple of months and was considering trying reconcilliation there, by seeing if she would go for a cup of coffee, or something simple and then I was planning to just slowly work my way back into her life, but I am very open to suggestions.

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Things should be different when you get back together. These differences are for the best though. Things you've learnt from your time apart that you can give each other instead of giving to your next lover.

 

Take it as slow as you possibly can. Mend his broken heart gently and in time his trust will be renewed. It must be one of the hardest things to do but prove you mean it and DO NOT WORRY HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE IF YOU LOVE HIM!!

 

I think I screwed up already...

 

I thought it would be a nice jester to buy him a gift and a flower for valentines day and surprise him with it. To show him I cared. He took it and then I asked if he wanted to hang out for the night. (he had mentioned hanging out the day before over the phone). And he said no he wanted to hang out with his parents. And then I got upset... and then he starts going off that im invading his space and that i need to leave... i think im just making it worse...

 

oh... i dont know... he just keeps rejecting me over and over.... i dont know..

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I think I screwed up already...

 

I thought it would be a nice jester to buy him a gift and a flower for valentines day and surprise him with it. To show him I cared. He took it and then I asked if he wanted to hang out for the night. (he had mentioned hanging out the day before over the phone). And he said no he wanted to hang out with his parents. And then I got upset... and then he starts going off that im invading his space and that i need to leave... i think im just making it worse...

 

oh... i dont know... he just keeps rejecting me over and over.... i dont know..

 

 

Well, he has every right to gain back his pride that you took from him. This could take some time, but if he really does want you back, then he might come round.

 

In the meantime for both of your sakes be patient. I'd recommend leaving him alone and let him miss you. It's hard but it will unlock his true feelings. He knows how you feel, so give him space and let him call you.

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