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"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome


Mayday11

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Sounds like my gig ... My wife (12 Years) Dated for 8 before that has recently got in touch via email with her high school sweetheart who's a single father (never married) in NC... I've been working out of state M thru TH to support us... Suddenly she's confused and needs her space (What the he!! does she have during the week) and says she doesn't want to be with me any more... (we also have 6 & 8 yr old boys)

 

Respectfully, I'd say that this probably isn't G.I.G.S in your case.

 

In nearly all cases of it, the woman concerned will not have entered into such a serious relationship with marriage and children.

 

The point really is is that G.I.G.S tends to hit women with little or no experience of life and relationships. It's the immaturity that's the key. It sounds to me like your wife is a proper grown up adult and something else is going on.

 

I sympathise with you though, it must be even harder as you have kids and the relationship has been so long term and serious.

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To Mayday,

 

I was wondering if you thought that the grass is greener syndrome may apply to the situation with my ex?

 

Does it count if said ex finds the new partner before breaking up with you, or is that just simply a case of leaving you for someone else?

 

Her age: 24 (Just)

Relationship period: 4 Years 7 months.

 

While most of the syptoms that you described match the situation perfectly, some do not.

 

There was no major commitment or change in the relationship, infact if anything I was holding back on moving things to the next level because of her employment history or rather the lack of it. (which is something thats always bothered me somewhat)

 

 

 

 

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

  • Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

Well not exactly, she did give one very good reason, the above mentioned lack of commitment on my part.

 

I accepted the dumping and said that maybe we could still be friends in the future and I thought it was best if we didn't see eachother for a while. She did a total U-turn, started to cry and said perhaps we just needed some time alone together. The next day though, another U-turn.

 

 

  • Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

None Whatsoever

 

 

  • An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

Check, Although the person she was hanging around with was the new partner

 

 

  • Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

Pretty much word for word.

 

 

  • Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

Well yea, it was certainly quick and totally out of the blue but I guess the compatibility remains to be seen.

 

Thanks for your opinion.

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...

 

This happened to me, too. He left specifically to pursue a relationship with another woman. That is what hurt so badly. It would have felt different had he ended it to see what was out there (although he is too old for GIGS), but to leave specifically for someone else...there is no excuse I can create in my head for that to make me feel better.

 

There is no excuse for it at all. My ex did the same thing to me. Left me for someone else. Whether they find someone before or after, it's still Grass is Greener Syndrome to me. Don't worry, he'll be back in some way, shape or form. I can almost put money on it. By that time you probably won't want him back (if you don't already). When my ex left, I knew she would be back. And lo and behold she came back. Now she's playing games... but like they say, "the grass is almost never greener". If you know you treated your ex the best you could, you have nothing to worry about. You can hold your head up high and live with no regrets.

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There is no excuse for it at all. My ex did the same thing to me. Left me for someone else. Whether they find someone before or after, it's still Grass is Greener Syndrome to me. Don't worry, he'll be back in some way, shape or form. I can almost put money on it. By that time you probably won't want him back (if you don't already). When my ex left, I knew she would be back. And lo and behold she came back. Now she's playing games... but like they say, "the grass is almost never greener". If you know you treated your ex the best you could, you have nothing to worry about. You can hold your head up high and live with no regrets.

 

Just curious - how long before she came back? I told my ex to have a good life (in a nice way. We fought on and off for months, but I just got tired of the fighting and explained why I had been getting so angry, and then wished her the best).

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Just curious - how long before she came back? I told my ex to have a good life (in a nice way. We fought on and off for months, but I just got tired of the fighting and explained why I had been getting so angry, and then wished her the best).

 

Mine came back after 2 months... said she made the biggest mistake of her life by leaving me, said that she wanted another chance. BUT she still hasn't left the other guy. lol, this thing we call love is so strange. Wish I never fell in love

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Haha yea I know the feeling. I'd stop talking to her if I were you. Seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. My ex told me she left the rebound guy because she still had feelings for me, but when she broke it off with him still wanted to date other people. Kind of a paradox, huh? That's when I dropped it.

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looks like i was hit by the GIGS syndrome, she ticks all the boxes except the extreme change in lifestyle.

 

Made love in the morning , dumped in the evening

 

reasons for dumping were all over the place ILYBINILWY , contradicted herself over why we were breaking up, we would chat and be the best of friends together and then when apart not reply to messages or try to avoid me.

 

strung me along for 6 mths and then told me outside a pub that she wasnt coming back to me (5 1/2 years together and she tells me this outside a pub)

 

4 weeks later shes sleeping with another man, and comes by my place of work with him (that was hard) she would appear to have ditched all her interests/hobbies and goes with him and his interests.

 

her relationship with him has gone at breakneck speed, sleeping together quickly, bringing him home and sleeping with him there, holidays together and now living together less than a year together.

 

i offered the hand of friendship but it was spurned, met up twice and asked her if she wanted to be friends and she did but then doesnt reply to texts or never initiates contact, so i just let her drift away , i dont need friends like that.

 

im over her now but it hurt to go from hero to zero so quickly , and to be replaced within a month, it cheapen our 5+ years together.

 

she spent the six months apart building barriers between us, yet told me all along that i was not out of the running.

 

you live and learn, interesting to note that there are alot of similar breakups out there.

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Ah memories....

 

This was my first ex (male, of course). We started dating when he was 20, I was 28. By age 30 I was looking for a commitment and he suddenly realized what commitment meant and turned into a party animal. Sleeping around, drinking until all hours of the night with his buddies, kicking me out of the house we shared, but wanting booty calls at 0400... we broke up about 4 times in rapid succession, each of us taking turns kicking the other out. I finally moved out of state and never saw him again thankfully. Emotional ties died slowly, though, for whatever reason. Took about a year to get over him, although it was mostly anger on my part!!

 

Classic "grass is greener". I still hear from him periodically (every 4 years or so he pops up via email or something). He screwed up his life pretty good back then so his life is on a different course. I never ask about his personal life, don't really care to be honest. It was my first serious relationship so his behavior really confused the heck out of me at the time.

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Wow, didn't even realize that you responded haha. My problem with this is that, intially my ex was like "Well wasn't it obvious that we were having problems?" For me though, it wasn't. We had fights, yea. But it wasn't like it was anything that was threatening. At least not in my eyes. I mean, she went with me to a family gathering only a week before. And we had sex a week before the break up too. I only noticed a real strange shift in her demeanor a couple days before the actual break up, but I didn't want to ask her if anything bothered her. I dunno, maybe I was caught up in my own depression/drinking to realize this. (I was becoming an alcoholic since Feb., we broke up in June. I completely stopped drinking for a long time, now I only do it maybe once a week, and with friends. She knows this, but that didn't change anything. Guess it wasn't that. She even said it wasn't that.)

 

She said she initially did it because she was so angry at me, but as a week went by she said that maybe it was a good idea if we just dated other people for a while. She said she didn't believe in that "fate crap," but it kinda sounded to me like by trying to date other people it was, in fact, letting fate decide what happens later on. Or at least an excuse to be dating someone else, and trying to alleviate the guilt by having me date others as well.

 

I'm not really sure if my break up falls into the G.I.G.S. scenario after all. A lot of the things she said seemed to be contradictory towards her actions. For instance, she said she was breaking it off with the rebound guy because she still had feelings for me, but then hooks up with another guy two weeks afterward. To me, she was either lying to keep me in the picture or meant it in some weird way. Without me even asking her if she did still, she had told me she loved me. I guess she thought I was upset that she still wanted to date other people. Its weird...people say odd things sometimes.

 

The day we did hang out, I remember her asking me about how my dating was going. I think she wanted me to be happy, and was hoping I had found someone. God, thats more of a slap in the face I think. Sure, they want you to be happy, but I don't want them helping me find someone else to date. * * * is that all about? She even said she wanted to help the rebound guy find someone. I don't think she understands. She never actually said she wanted to help me find someone else, but she was always encouraging. It makes me feel like she considers me a lesser person - like she's so successful at finding other guys do date, and she wanted me to learn from her or something. Ugh.

 

And I remembered part of her response from the e-mail she sent to me after I sent my goodbye one too her. After she literally dissected it, (sounded angry at some parts, being defensive about things. I didn't care at the time, I was just fed up with things) she responded to the part about me knowing about the second guy she had hooked up with. She said she knew that I had found out about it thru a friend who works with the second guy (info just came to me, I didn't ask for it). I was bothered cuz they had hooked up the day before, the day of, and the day after we had decided to meet up and "see what happens." She claims that when we met up she didn't "feel anything" towards me, or something like that. Whatever. The point that got to me was, if she was LOOKING in the first place, she wouldn't have been hooking up with that guy.

 

Either way, after I had wished her the best in her love life and life in general, she said "hope the same for you, good luck ***" Didn't even have the word goodbye in the e-mail. I didn't say it to her either. And she didn't even sign it. I dunno if it was because she was angry or not, or didn't wanna say it. But either way...ugh I dunno. I'm over-analyzing something from a month ago, and I've told myself to stop doing that.

 

There are a lot of things she has said to me to keep me in the picture, yet she did the opposite. Now I'm wondering if its just a regular "left you for another guy, o well we're over" type of break up and not G.I.G.S. It's rather hard to tell what is what, really.

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Hey Puo,

 

I think its just simply put as your ex is sending you mixed signals that confusing you. She does this unintentionally to deflect her guilt.

 

Often times they pretend to care for you when they are actually being selfish and only caring about themselves by hoping that you date someone else while they do the same, so they feel less guilt. Simple.

 

My ex intentionally asked me whether I have met someone new just to bring on the topic that she started dating someone new.(seemed as though she felt so guilty inside that she had to let me know). I wished her the best and told her im happy for her. She started crying and told me that she knows i dont mean that from my heart because she knows she hurt me deeply. I ask myself, shouldn't I be the one thats crying?? after all im the one thats hurt....Its not logical how woman behave /think when they are in the G.I.G's....they cause hurt and pain on the dumpees yet they cry themselves. So in my opinion, those tears coming out of her eyes are fake............or its part of the confusion within being in the grass is greener phase.

 

Ultimately the best course of action is just to forget this psychological convoluted mess and focus on whats rational and logical. In the end, I think YOU will win by not getting yourself wrapped around this kind of mess. Whether or not she will be back, has to do with if her head getting back into gear cause right now she is fumbling around in neutral.

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Yea, thats pretty much what I've been doing. I haven't talked to her in uh...wow, four weeks. She hasn't made any attempts to contact me, and I haven't tried to contact her.

 

Its weird though, ya know? I remember in June/July, when her family invited me over to visit her sister's baby, her mom was extremely optimistic about things. She said "I think ultimately everything will work out." I told her that I thought she was seeing things a little too bright. And I was at a party last night (drinking with friends, don't really remember how the convo came up), but I remember someone telling me that she'll probably come back. * * * ? I appreciate everyone's support, but at the same time I don't really want them saying that. ](*,)

 

Either way, I've been staying away from her. And it's actually helped, too. I'm not freaking out over it anymore, really. I haven't dated yet, but I'm more focused on school and money (bigger problems going on in the family that are more pertinent.) Eh, we'll see what happens.

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There is a very thin line between GIG and regular break ups because we cannot really judge what goes on in the dumpers head. You may try to piece together reasons in your head but in the end, they know the entire picture in their heads.

 

That's the conclusion i've come to and realized that there is nothing you can do but to move on. So far (5 months+ of NC and self improvement) things have been going my way. Now I dont want to get ppl thinking that I dont think of her but it's safe to say that she doesnt occupy much of my time during the day.

My ex and i are of the same age, 21 and i can understand why she would want to explore her life at the moment because this is the time in your life where you enjoy yourself and grow as a person. You can only grow so much with one person before you realize that you need to move on.

BUT that doesnt mean that there isnt a reason to come back/reconcile.

Sometimes it's wonderful to realize through your heart that the person you left was truly incredible and did really appreciate every aspect of your life.

 

You have to keep your mind and heart open to anything that happens. You can always close the door but it's best to never lock it, especially when the one you care for starts knocking on the door.

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There is a very thin line between GIG and regular break ups because we cannot really judge what goes on in the dumpers head.

 

Very true. Nothing is for certain. But there are some things you can use to indicate whether G.I.G.S (and I love the fact everyone's using my acronym now happened to you or not. I mentioned a few of them earlier in the thread but here's a recap:

 

1. She will not have had much (or any) experience of an adult sexual relationship. There's a good chance you were her first or second at most (and the first would have been a one off).

 

2. She had a restrictive upbringing. Either it was too strict or she was too mollycoddled and pampered. Religious families suffer from this a great deal. Not having freedom to screw up and be your own person in the teenage years can have a hugely detrimental effect.

 

3. She idolised you - well at least to start with and through the first part of your relationship. Again, a sign of immaturity. She probably said things like she would always love you and always wanted to be with you - which smarts quite a bit when you get dumped down the line

 

4. Chances are you're older than she is by a few years (usually 5-10). Again, back to the immaturity and being in different mental places.

 

5. She suffers from a lack of self esteem, confidence and self worth. These things only come to us when we deal with the vagaries of life. No experience? no confidence. Part of the reason for G.I.G.S is that they know this and want to literally 'Go out and get it'.

 

...I'd say if your ex doesn't sound like that, it's not G.I.G.S, but a regular break-up.

 

Remember, G.I.G.S exists as a direct result of a person having a stunted emotional and mental maturity. You can't really blame them for that, but you also cannot blame yourself.

 

Trust me, it wouldn't have mattered how great a bf you were, you could have been PERFECT. It would still have happened.

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Very true. Nothing is for certain. But there are some things you can use to indicate whether G.I.G.S (and I love the fact everyone's using my acronym now happened to you or not. I mentioned a few of them earlier in the thread but here's a recap:

 

1. She will not have had much (or any) experience of an adult sexual relationship. There's a good chance you were her first or second at most (and the first would have been a one off).

 

I was her second. She was my first.

 

2. She had a restrictive upbringing. Either it was too strict or she was too mollycoddled and pampered. Religious families suffer from this a great deal. Not having freedom to screw up and be your own person in the teenage years can have a hugely detrimental effect.

 

She was pampered until her younger brother was born. Then she she felt that he was always spoiled, but she knows she was too. In a lot of ways, she acted immaturely, but thats what I liked about her - the fact that she could have fun and be serious.

 

She didn't have many friends in middle/high school. She was made fun of a lot. Her first relationship was with a guy who treated her like * * * * - dumped her about 4 times in a period of 4 months. Her parents finally made her stop seeing him because she was hurt so much. She actually became a cutter from it for a little bit, but stopped that. (I know, I bet people reading this are going 'RED FLAG, RED FLAG!' She stopped doing that a while ago. Plus, I was suicidal early in my life because I was overweight and made fun. Doesn't mean I'm a bad person from it, and neither does it make her one.)

 

I think she was continuously rebelling against her parents. She moved out of her parents house AT 18. Not because she needed to, but she wanted to. I even helped her pay for rent sometimes, like when she let me stay over her apartment and I gave her money from my stupid summer job. She never wanted me to help her with that, but I did it because I was a good boyfriend and wanted to.

 

And she is very impulsive. Extremely impulsive. Some things are fun to do, but deciding on a tattoo that will cost $1600? Went well against that, especially when she didn't have that much money as is. She didn't like that I advised against it, as if I was becoming one of her parents. Uh oh...did I just hit something here?

 

3. She idolised you - well at least to start with and through the first part of your relationship. Again, a sign of immaturity. She probably said things like she would always love you and always wanted to be with you - which smarts quite a bit when you get dumped down the line

 

This definitely happened. She even had me meet her parents within the first week of us dating. That came outta nowhere. Thankfully, her family was very nice and they took a great liking to me. In fact, they were stunned and very upset with her dumping me for some other dude they didn't like at all. I had talked to them after the break up, and they were trying to help me scheme to get her back lmao.

 

At least I know her family really liked me, so that boosts my self esteem.

 

4. Chances are you're older than she is by a few years (usually 5-10). Again, back to the immaturity and being in different mental places.

 

I'm older than her, but only by a year and a half. However, I went to college. She hates school, and has refused to go. She went out and got her own apartment at age 18 and works. I supported her in it, but told her that she should go to school. O well.

 

5. She suffers from a lack of self esteem, confidence and self worth. These things only come to us when we deal with the vagaries of life. No experience? no confidence. Part of the reason for G.I.G.S is that they know this and want to literally 'Go out and get it'.

 

Yep. This too. Aside from the cutting and whatnot, all her actions post-break up show a lack of self esteem if she keeps trying to get with other guys. Plus, she would dress really scantily in public, even when we dated. Seems like she really wants the attention to know her own worth. I always brought this up to her, but she never stopped doing it.

 

I know my ex is immature. I'm just afraid to date someone who is too uptight. lol

 

...I'd say if your ex doesn't sound like that, it's not G.I.G.S, but a regular break-up.

 

Remember, G.I.G.S exists as a direct result of a person having a stunted emotional and mental maturity. You can't really blame them for that, but you also cannot blame yourself.

 

Trust me, it wouldn't have mattered how great a bf you were, you could have been PERFECT. It would still have happened.

 

Guess she has it, unless there's something I missed.

 

In case you wanted to know, I'm 21 (22 in December). She is 20.

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Aside from the cutting and whatnot, all her actions post-break up show a lack of self esteem if she keeps trying to get with other guys.

 

This is seeking validation. Trying to boost self esteem through the obvious way possible, the attention of members of the opposite sex. This is what happened to me. She had me, the old comfortable shoes, and him, the new exciting high heels and went to him which I'm sure was an ego boost. She even made a point of telling me how wonderful he was - though the way she did this was to detail all the things she was doing with him - and they were all things we were planning on doing like getting a house, going on holiday's etc.

 

Yeah, the cutting thing. Mine was slightly prone to this as well and suffered from eating disorders. All massive red flags with hindsight!!

 

I'd bet that most who were dumped because of G.I.G.S will have ex's that fit this psychological profile.

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This is seeking validation. Trying to boost self esteem through the obvious way possible, the attention of members of the opposite sex. This is what happened to me. She had me, the old comfortable shoes, and him, the new exciting high heels and went to him which I'm sure was an ego boost. She even made a point of telling me how wonderful he was - though the way she did this was to detail all the things she was doing with him - and they were all things we were planning on doing like getting a house, going on holiday's etc.

 

Yeah, the cutting thing. Mine was slightly prone to this as well and suffered from eating disorders. All massive red flags with hindsight!!

 

I'd bet that most who were dumped because of G.I.G.S will have ex's that fit this psychological profile.

 

Well with my ex, she was telling me how the new guy was acting as if they had been going out as long as she and I had, except they were barely together for a month. And he was trying to get her to move with her to Pennsylvania in that time, but she was telling me how she wanted to move with me instead. I guess the guy pushed WAY too hard or something. I guess he made her decision to * * * * around even more logical to her, cuz I guess that's what she's doing now. She dumped him within a month to only hook up with another 2 weeks later. She told me she liked this new guy. Seriously, how do you suddenly like someone within only meeting them once or twice prior, only to screw around before even dating. God, I don't get that.

 

She had stopped cutting years ago. And I myself have had eating disorders (I fully admit to having very low self esteem, which came from my childhood. She always tried to help me with my disorders, and I with hers, but those things never worked out.)

 

Jeez, we're both pretty * * * * ed up.

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This is the exact same situation i am currently going through. I am not sure what to do at all.

 

 

I have been through all of my highschool years with this one guy.

we have grown together, and were bestfriends and then we fell in love.

 

we have been together for 3 years and he broke up with me about a week ago.

 

 

he said he wants space and that he loves me but he feels like we should break up now instead of when i go to college this summer.

 

i am a senior in highschool and i believe i was truley in love with this guy,

no, i know.

 

 

our relationship was rocky for about 2 months before the break up,

but this has happened before.

 

he has said the same things.

except this time he says its different.

 

after we broke up, we planned to have sex, but he stopped and said it felt wrong, and that he didnt love me anymore and that he was confused.

 

 

 

im failing my classes, and i love him so much,

 

i need advice please.

im starting to feel like there is nothing left in life for me.

 

i just want to be with him

 

but after he said that to me about how he didnt love me anymore,

i havnt talked to him and have been seeing another guy...

 

 

what should i do?

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Jeez, we're both pretty * * * * ed up

 

And this is why I'd say it's best for both of you that you've split up. Two people both suffering from these kind of problems are awful for each other.

 

Use this time alone to address what's holding you back and stop worrying about her now.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear right now, but this split will ultimately be of benefit to you.

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And this is why I'd say it's best for both of you that you've split up. Two people both suffering from these kind of problems are awful for each other.

 

Use this time alone to address what's holding you back and stop worrying about her now.

 

I know it's not what you want to hear right now, but this split will ultimately be of benefit to you.

 

O she stopped cutting years ago, and I no longer have the eating disorders. But I haven't been worrying about her, I've been focusing on me. I'm going to a job fair tomorrow, which should be interesting and fun.

 

I'm not thinking about the maybes or the what ifs anymore. She's still on my mind, but I'm not chasing after her. Its all about me first, and focusing on my issues and needs.

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Amazing i think i hit 9/10 of the criteria that mayday and andy set out for a GIGS.

 

in a way its comforting to know that it wasnt your fault and that it wasnt necessarly you that was rejected as opposed to the situation that she was in, it massages the bruised ego a bit.

 

Its funny to think that we were sitting on a time bomb all along and we didnt know that the fuse was lit on day 1.

 

Cheers lads cracking posts and insight.

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  • 3 weeks later...

yeah this fits my situation pretty well...2.5 years, gf dumps me, says "i love you but not in love with you", 2 weeks later is seeing some guy, already kissed him on first date... i was the love of her life and her longest relationship to date by A LOT!

 

 

-totally not her type at all...she hates really tall guys(she's only 5'3)...dude's 6'3

-is a year younger than her

-is dumb as a brick

-oh and here's a kicker...his name is brett...my name's brent lol

(i'm being pretty generous here too)

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I'm hoping someone can talk some sense into me, because I've just been all over the place lately. I've read through this post, and I guess I would be considered a potential dumper.

 

Let me explain my current situation. I'm 24. I've been been going out with my girlfriend for almost 2 years now, I proposed a few months ago, which I sort of regretted almost instantly...This was my first relationship ever though and I just rushed in I guess.

 

Recently, I've began to notice lots of little things with my girlfriend that I may have just overlooked before. They are now bothering me more than ever Other than this though, I don't see any issues with our relationship. We are almost perfect for each other, but it just feels like the relationship has lost its spark. I don't get that feeling you get when you are first dating. That feeling of anxiety and novelty that just feels so good. I don't feel that attracted to her anymore.

 

Just recently another woman I work with, whom I've always been attracted to, (even before my relationship began) let me know how she felt about me, and now I am finding it hard to avoid flirting with her, which is something I never do. My increasing interests in her have only doubled back her flirting with me. It's driving me crazy, because my logical side says I have a girlfriend I should not be doing this, but I just keep wanting to pursue things. I have not cheated in anyway beyond some flirting, and I will not let it go further in my current situation, but I see this woman every day.

 

I'm beginning wonder whether I can live the rest of my life with my current girlfriend. I've only ever been in one relationship, and I feel like I'm not taking advantage of my youth by not experimenting atleast a little. (ala grass is greener) Does this make me a bad person? I think I love my girlfriend but does anyone really know what that word means?

 

As bad as it sounds, I wish I could just go out with this woman at work just to convince myself that the grass isn't greener, without hurting my current girlfriend. I know this is not possible.

 

I don't know if my girlfriend could recover from a breakup, and honestly that is what has been keeping me from pursuing things. I don't know if I could deal with that guilt, but I don't want to spend my life thinking back on this opportunity and wondering "what if"?

 

Could use some advice. Thanks

 

Alan

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