No contact with ex for 2 1/2 months and yesterday I find a letter at my door...what should I do?

[Sparkie]

Hey Mariposa,

 

Sorry things are getting a bit complicated

 

What was the exact timeline for this. What I'm getting at is were you broken up, he missed you (felt lonely etc), promised you the world, got you back, and then met all his new mates. ie, he was driven by loneliness rather than the relationship.

 

Because maybe there was an element of him needing more in his life which is why he came back to you, but then he met these other guys. Now if he gets to go out, get drunk all the time, and be with his mates, it will give him confidence and feel fun. If he then meets with you one on one, and it is less fun, (dinner-discussions, lists, etc etc), he is less and less likely to want to do it.

 

I don't know. But what I do know is that you deserve to be happy. And at the moment, you are not particularly happy. You have the right to ask for what you need in life. And I guess, he has the right not to want to provide it.

 

Hope things get better for you.

[mariposa81]

Hi Sparkie,

 

Thanks so much. He actually met these guys while we were broken up at the beginning of July, so it was about 2 months before we starting communicating again. I often wonder if it was just because he missed me too but apparently he wasn't hanging out with these guys pretty hard before we started talking again. He said he had even started seeing someone briefly but still in his heart wanted to be with me.

 

You're right about not wanting to do time alone if it has negative connotation. I don't want us to begin associating negative things with dinners together so today I suggested this time he meet at my house or me his (he's always suggesting that we meet over dinner to discuss things etc). So this time, he came over my place.

 

I've decided to maybe try a different approach, to only focus on the positive things he does and maybe not bring up what he doesn't do. Maybe negativity is breeding negativity. We also agreed on spending one to two nights alone together each week and I would come out when he invites me on occasion with his friends. We're going to try to take turns planning things and taking turns coming to one another's places. He made the suggestion to see a therapist together and even if we see we're not compatible and can't get past our differences, at least we will have learned from it.

 

We're both very clear on what we both need and want in relationships after talking today, so now it's just a matter of seeing how things plan out now that all the cards have been laid on the table.

[homeagain]

did you meet with him after making those lists? how did talking to him today go?

[mariposa81]

did you meet with him after making those lists? how did talking to him today go?

 

Well he ended up cancelling on his friend's birthday dinner so we could meet and talk. It was really emotional for me because he really made me feel like it's really all my fault because I mentioned things that he WASN'T doing on occasion instead of focusing all my attention on the things that he WAS doing and never mentioning things he needed to improve.

 

He said that he's sure he can do better, but because he's felt like he can't do anything right, he's really not motivated to even try and he doesn't have the desire to do the things he knows would make me happy. I apologized for being negative and told him that maybe I should have only focused on the positive, but he had told me to let him know when something bothered me. That's what I thought I was doing.

 

He really made me feel like he doesn't even know if we should be together anymore. That he wants to be with me, but doesn't know if we CAN work. It was really frustrating. He then suggested that we go over our lists together. So we did and compromised on everything (spending time together, etc). Agreed to take turns coming to each other's houses, compromising on spending one or two nights together alone each week, and me coming out with his friends as well. Also taking turns planning what we're going to do during our alone time. He also suggested going to counseling together which we both feel may help.

 

So we spent all day yesterday together. It was good. I just feel really bad about the entire thing, like I need to prove myself to him, that I can be more positive. He hasn't invited me to spend New Year's with him this year (I went the previous 2 years). When it was mentioned, he just kept saying he doesn't know what he's doing yet. We discussed it later that night and he said that we just had our discussion the day before and we've had problems lately so he's not sure. I just told him that that was understandable and that we could just cross that bridge when we get to it (as much as I was hurt about it). I'm trying not to let everything get to me, but I'm really just so down about everything.

 

Thank you guys for listening...

[GoldenHillGuy]

Hey Mariposa.........let us know how it goes. Good luck.

[mariposa81]

I'm sooooooooooo upset right now.

 

He called last night and asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow night (friday night) and go to dinner. He suggested a restaurant I mentioned a while back. That restaurant only caters now so I told him I would figure out somewhere. So today, I looked into several restaurants and try to think of ways to make it more special.

 

This evening, he calls me twice at around 6:30pm. I was shopping so when I saw his missed calls, I called him back. He says, "So, I was thinking about going snowboarding this weekend and I called the guys to see if we could get a group together to go. They can't, do you know any other couples?" I said that I didn't but we could just go together him and I. He then said, "Well, I found out the guys are going to Atlanta to see the #1 and #2 college teams play football. Three of them have tickets and the other 3 are going to watch the game at a bar. Hotels are packed and the guys are already staying 5 to a room."

 

I told him that I can't go because of this continuing education course I'm required to go to that I can't miss. He said he remembered. He said the guys are driving down at 8am in the morning and suggested that I drive the 5 hours down later but then said it wouldn't make since for me to drive all that way for less than 48 hours in Atlanta. He said if he went, he could just leave with them tomorrow morning.

 

He then said, "Would you hate me if I went anyway?"

 

This is the last weekend he will be here because he leaves to go home for Los Angeles next Friday night. I told him that I would be disappointed because we had planned to spend time together and this is the last weekend before he goes home for almost a month. He never invited me to go to LA for New Year's so I wouldn't see him the whole time.

 

He then said, "why can't we just hang out tonight and Sunday night?" It's 8:30pm and I just got home. I have to get up early to go to my course and I'm really tired. Plus Sunday, he's not going to get back until about 9pm.

 

I feel like he just wants to cram in time with me to "satisfy" me so I won't feel like he flaked out on me to go to Atlanta with his friends. He said, "You know how much I've wanted to go to Atlanta so it's the only time I can do this." I suggested that we could go to Atlanta anytime he wants. He said, "But the guys are there and it's going to be busy because of the game...What's the difference between hanging out tonight versus over the weekend?"

 

He then says, "so the only reason you don't want me to go is because YOU can't go??" I was just shocked by the situation..after the talk we had and how I thought we understood each other. I said, "it's not that, it's just..." and I couldn't say anything else. It's just the principle. Him canceling on me at the last minute to do something with his friends...something he's done before. He just kept saying, "I'm not gonna lie, I really wanna go."

 

I felt like giving up and said, "you'll resent me if you stay, and I'm disappointed that you're canceling on me at the last minute, so I'm at a loss either way."

 

He said he'd call later. I don't know what he's going to do, but it looks like he'll likely go.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? I'm so hurt and don't even know how to handle this. Someone PLEASE help.

 

Mari

[Batya33]

I would be upset if my SO canceled on me at the last minute to hang out with the guys to watch a sporting event especially since this is your last weekend together. It would be different if it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm sorry but it sounds like he hasn't changed since the last time you dated him. I'm really sorry to hear this.

[einsteins_girl]

So, wait, he's going to Atlanta to watch a game in a bar? Paying for a hotel and driving there to watch the game... in... a... bar?!? I'm sorry; I just don't get that.

 

But, that aside, I think what he is doing is inconsiderate. No question. And I think it's really unfair that he was trying to make you decide for him. Ultimately, he needs to be a big boy and make a choice, and he needs to accept that, if he goes, it's a crappy thing to do, and you have a right to feel hurt.

 

Argh. He just annoys me, this boy. I don't even know what to tell you.

 

I mean, it sounds like he only wanted to do the Atlanta thing because the snowboarding thing wasn't going to work out, so it's not like Atlanta was this huge, unmissable opportunity for him.

 

What I've learned the hard way though is that I only want my bf to spend time with me if he wants to spend time with me. If he'd rather be somewhere else, he should be. I deserve to know that I'm the choice he made - and if he'd rather be doing something else, then so would I.

 

I think your guy should just go and be a dunce about it. -chuckle-

 

This post is no help at all, I'm sure.

[JadedStar]

Wow, what a dilemma. I went back and looked at some of your old threads. I completely understand your hesitation, because he was incredibly selfish while you were together. And being selfish like that isn't something you can change with a few therapy sessions.

 

The one thing I don't think you should do is just fall back into his arms. You probably aren't sure if you can forgive him for some of the stuff he pulled.

 

The thing is, to a lesser extent, he has pulled this before. Writing a long letter and making all sorts of apologies & promises, only to fall back into familiar patterns once you two got back together.

 

I really don't know.

 

I guess this is my stance too. I know that he WANTS to change right now, no doubt. But how successful he can turn around is an unknown, we know that much.

 

I can't advise you to go for it or not, that has to come from you. All i can say is the trepidation you feel is not for naught.

[JadedStar]

AFter reading thru more posts, more recent ones, i fear that the reason i wasn't feeling as gun ho about this as others might have been for a good reason. I don't know, he just doesn't sound like he is really as adamant about the changes now that you two are talking and seeing each other.

[mariposa81]

I mean, it sounds like he only wanted to do the Atlanta thing because the snowboarding thing wasn't going to work out, so it's not like Atlanta was this huge, unmissable opportunity for him.

 

What I've learned the hard way though is that I only want my bf to spend time with me if he wants to spend time with me. If he'd rather be somewhere else, he should be. I deserve to know that I'm the choice he made

 

 

His "friends" didn't even invite him to Atlanta to begin with. Had he not called them to ask about snowboarding, he never would have even known about it. Some "friends."

 

I feel the same way about him wanting to be somewhere else. I guess that's the issue I have, I hate feeling like he plans something with me, and then he flakes out because there's something that he'd rather do MORE and cancels on me. I wish I could feel like more often than not that I was the choice he made, but so often I feel like what we do together is pending on what his friends will be doing.

 

He just texted me a bit ago saying, "I'm not going to go. Do you want to go snowboarding me and you?" As much as I'm trying not to, I'm soooo feeling like I'm the backup plan, the Atlanta-alternative, right now. I haven't responded yet. I know I need to tell him something though. I'm just so upset I don't even want to correspond with him right this second.

[mariposa81]

He called my house to speak to me. He asked if I got his text. He told me that he's decided to stay because when he thought about it, it really is the last weekend we have before he goes home for almost an entire month.

 

He also said that it would be a good time for us to really spend some time together; he could teach me how to snowboard better, that he could snowboard WITH me this time (after teaching us on the last trip in January, he left me with a couple of his friends last year because he's an expert snowboarder and we were beginners) and since they're supposed to go snowboarding over the holidays after New Year's, maybe I could come to LA to make the snowboarding trip and and I would better know how.

 

He asked me if I could look into some places to stay on the mountain. I guess he noticed hurt in my voice because he said, "Aren't you happy that I'm staying babe?" I told him yeah, that I would get back to him about places to stay. He said even if we don't go to the mountain, we would still hang out this weekend regardless.

 

*sigh* If only he had left me out of the decision making process to begin with. It's just exhausting.

[FreedomRing]

Mari,

 

I think I posted sometime ago...sorry to see things haven't panned out as you expected. However, something about the bolded comment above coupled with the earlier conversation today, come off very patronizing and actually kinda condescending to me....particularly the bolded comment. Really rubs me the wrong way, and he's not even MY bf..he's yours. I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything here..No questions asked, I would def feel like second fiddle, plan b, the back up, you name it, and I think that comment above, would be the final straw for me, IMO. Personally at this point, I would back WAY off until he is capable of actually backing up his words with REAL, CLEAR, DIRECT actions.

[mariposa81]

I couldn't agree with you more about him backing up his previous promises with concise, clear action and my backing off until he does so. When I've tried to tell him that he doesn't seem to be living up to his promises (or at least attempting to live up to his promises because I know no one's perfect by any means), he recently told me that he feels "verbally abused" because of all the negativity towards him, my "throwing the letter in his face"; constantly reminding him of what he's NOT doing instead of appreciating what he IS doing; that he feels so bad that he has no desire to try anymore. After our discussion last weekend, I thought we had finally begun to see eye to eye and understand where each other was coming from with evaluating our needs, wants, and diswants. But even after doing so, today, he does the very thing that I mentioned hurts me.

 

My thing this whole time is that I just want to know that I'm just as important to him as the other important people in his life as well as the other important things in his life. We've been together over 2 years (minus our almost 3 month breakup, even though we're not officially back together in name, but have agreed to be exclusive so we can work on us...exclusivity was his idea), I don't see why he doesn't understand where I'm coming from, unless of course he's with me for the wrong reasons.

 

But like a previous poster said, I want and deserve to know that if he's with me or does something with me, it's because he WANTS to, not because something else he wanted to do fell through. He made this seem like he gave up Atlanta because he really wants to spend time together, but I'm skeptical about that. I feel so pessimistic and negative when what I really want is to be more optimistic, I really do. But when someone has been disappointed as much as I have, it's sooo hard.

[diamond78]

Ok, he wanted to snowboarding with a group and when that fell through for himself, then he asked you about other couples joining....then somehow he brought up going to Atlanta with guys who didn't even invite him....

 

What the heck??? I would feel like I belonged on the bottom of the totem pole after all of that.

 

and NOW he is being reactive to the situation. He is choosing to spend time with you now because he knows you're going to be upset and it really does look bad that he was coming up with everything to do this weekend, but spend quality time with just you.

 

The fact that he even thought to suggest to you to drive 5 hours down to Atlanta by yourself while he's already there just screams that he is not really thinking about spending time with you....

 

He's going away for a month...that's a great time for you to think over this whole situation and see if it's worth it.

 

 

All i know is that he's giving me a headache....so I know you're frustrated beyond belief!

[einsteins_girl]

It's too bad no guys have chimed in with thoughts on these recent developments; I'd be interested to hear if they think this is a big deal or if they think you (and the rest of us) are overreacting. I know, in the past, in this kind of situation, my bf has viewed me as being overly sensitive and reading into things that aren't there... I wonder if this might partly be a matter of gender perspective.

 

Basically, I'd like to hear what a guy thinks...

[Zeitgeist]

I'm a guy, so here's my point of view on what he *might* be thinking. First off, I will say that I think your concern *is* valid because of the past issues in your relationship. That said, I think you need to cut him a little slack. I get the sense that he may be fearful of spending time alone with you because he may be afraid of screwing up. He seems to know that he did a lot of things wrong before, but he may not know the specific things and so he's just "afraid" in the general sense of the word. So he may "choose" his friends over you because he figures the less time he spends with you, the less chance there is of him screwing up.

 

Here's the other problem with the situation. He may have first screwed up by asking to go away with his friends, and not realized this was the last free weekend you had together. But then he figured it out later on. At this point though, he's already screwed either way. If he goes with the guys, he's hurt you by leaving you. But he didn't. He chose to go with you, but you're still hurt because now you feel like he didn't really want to. It's a no-win situation for him. After he already told you about REALLY wanting to go to Atlanta, would there have been an answer that would have made you 100% happy? I suspect not. And the reason is because his first request to go to Atlanta without you was already a mistake. And even though he may have realized the mistake, and changed, you've already judged him on it. Thus, there was no redeeming himself afterwards.

 

I think the problem here is the difference between his intention and your interpretation. When you're talking to him, be careful not to impose your interpretation onto his intention. For example, when he states that he wants to go to Atlanta, I doubt very much it was because he doesn't care about you. But your interpretation of it may have turned into an accusation that he doesn't care about you. When you tell him that, then he feels he has to defend himself because he probably feels that he very much cares about you, but that going snowboarding alone wasn't that big a deal. But now you're already in the frame of mind that he doesn't care (eg you've imposed your interpretation upon his intentions), and thus, you get into an argument from which neither of you can win.

 

I think your relationship dynamic has gotten to a very unstable point in that he's always walking on eggshells because of his past mistakes. But the more carefully he tries to step, the more insecure you get. The more insecure you get, the more gingerly he steps. And it becomes this vicious cycle.

 

I understand fully that he made some big mistakes in the past, but you need to find a way to put that behind you and forgive him. At the same time, you need recognize your own part in this. The vast majority of relationship issues have contributions from both people, but often times, both people think it's only because of the other person. For just one moment, imagine the possibility that your BF really truly does love you. It's not fun for him to be in love with someone who seems to only see bad things about him and seems to be unhappy - it kinda hurts the ego a bit. And so naturally, there's pressure and there's guilt. Everyone tries to escape pressure and guilt. I know you're not intentionally trying to apply it to him, but nonetheless, you are. After all, you dumped him. Without a doubt, he's feeling pressure.

 

I don't know the specifics here, but you may also want to consider *how* you guys communicate. When you voice your concerns to him, be careful not to talk about the issues in a way that pins the blame on him. Try to say things in a way such that you're stating your perspective as an opinion and why, rather than just making a statement that he's doing something hurtful. I think it's also ALWAYS helpful to admit your own insecurity when doing so. That way the issue isn't ALL on him.

 

I am in no way suggesting that the problems are with you. I'm only asking you to consider another angle because all the women here seem to all be seeing it only from your point of view. I think the more you can remove blame from the issue, the more helpful it will be in resolving it.

[DN]

People in a relationship almost always do things that upset their partner. It's what they do once they realise they have that is important because that shows whether they can negotiate and compromise or not.

 

So the bottom line is - did you get what you wanted in the end?

[Batya33]

He chose to write the letter, and now you're entitled to see if his actions are consistent with the letter. I too would feel like second fiddle and ask yourself if you really want to live this way - wondering whether you're going to have this back and forth any time the guys or whoever want to do something that sounds like more fun, even if it's last minute. I've ended or severely limited friendships over this - I don't think I could tolerate it in a relationship. But, as DN noted it's all about whether now you got what you want (and to me what you wanted was not just the weekend but also a level of enthusiasm on his part about the weekend.)

[mariposa81]

He chose to write the letter, and now you're entitled to see if his actions are consistent with the letter. I too would feel like second fiddle and ask yourself if you really want to live this way - wondering whether you're going to have this back and forth any time the guys or whoever want to do something that sounds like more fun, even if it's last minute. I've ended or severely limited friendships over this - I don't think I could tolerate it in a relationship. But, as DN noted it's all about whether now you got what you want (and to me what you wanted was not just the weekend but also a level of enthusiasm on his part about the weekend.)

 

 

Exactly. From a simplistic viewpoint, I did get what I wanted from him in the end...a weekend with us spending quality time. But it would be nice for him to be just as enthusiastic about time alone with me doing something out of the ordinary than what we usually do as he is doing this with his friends. It's that way for me, I really wish it seemed like it was that way for him too.

 

DN makes a great point. I do recognize my fault in all this (during our last discussion, I felt him not trying etc was ALL my fault). I feel that I have emphasized more of what he's not doing. He did that a lot to me when we were together the first time and I would've given him the world (for example...I would make him/us breakfast in the mornings before we left for work etc; if I was tired and didn't do it, he would later mention, "you didn't even make me breakfast..." He didn't do it often, but it would happen). It didn't ever cause me to entirely stop trying to do things that I knew made him smile. But I guess people have different thresholds for things like that.

 

I can see how he may be afraid he'll screw up when we spend time alone, but the truth is, it's when we're NOT spending time alone that he's felt like he "screws up." That's really all I ever want is to spend quality time alone with him, without the guys everytime and with him WANTING to do it. When we do so, I'm enjoying it to the fullest and never mention anything negative. When he asked me Wednesday night if I wanted to do something together Friday night, I was so excited about it. So it was a slap in the face when he called me yesterday expressing how excited he was about possibly going to Atlanta with the guys; thus flaking on me.

 

One thing I need you guys' advice on is this: How do I stop feeling hurt that he doesn't want me to come to Los Angeles to spend New Year's with him? He's invited me the last 2 years, but this year, he's pretty much all but flat out said that he doesn't want me there. I'm really trying to see it from all angles and not let it bother me, but it's something we've done for the past 2 years and we always have a great time together during the entire trip. I haven't voiced this hurt to him and am holding it inside, but it really does hurt.

 

Any advice on how to stop feeling this way?

[nutbrownhare]

You can't stop yourself feeling hurt; that's the way you feel. What you decide to do with the hurt is another matter ...

 

If you hadn't got back with him, what would you be doing over New Year? I realise that in an ideal world you'd be spending it with him, but my guess is that there are other opportunities out there, friends you could be with.

 

You haven't said much in your posts about what YOU like to do with your time. This guy is letting you down right, left and centre. He may be trying to blame you for this, you may be approaching him in a way which 'justifies' his withdrawal. But it's going to be that way until you are in a place where you don't need him to be attentive to you, or at least not asking for something he can't seem to give.

 

When he's taken off for the weekend with his friends, are you able to get out and enjoy yourself without him? If you can, you're much more likely to be pleased to see him and better company than if you've been waiting around feeling sad. Don't get me wrong, I think that him blowing you off like that at the last minute was just plain RUDE. But if you're going to stay in this relationship you need to find a way of getting it to work for you - without him changing his behaviour.

 

You can never nag/love/cajole/whatever another person into changing. He's shown you who he is. Can you live with that? It sounds as though you're in a great deal of pain at the moment, and have been through this many times before. If you continue to deal with it in the same way as in the past, you're going to keep getting the same result.

 

The only thing you can do is change your attitude to the time you do have on your own. The prospect of this sucks, I know, when you want to be with him, but in time can get to be very rewarding ... you can use this really to get in touch with you, your interests, developing yourself independently of what he does or doesn't do.

 

If you can't do this, you have the choice of staying in a relationship which is causing you a lot of pain, or parting company again. But if you really work on yourself, which you're clearly doing in therapy, the question of whether to leave or stay will take care of itself.

[Pandaman211]

No, thats some bs on his part. He made plans, yeah I haven't really read the 18 pages between your first post starting the thread and now, so what I may say may not be as legit, but he's being an @$$, you were telling him that you guys could go to atl whenever, SO im pretty sure its not about atl, its just that he wants to go on the trip with his friends really bad. 2nd, you guys made plans, so what the heck is he doing randomly like hey lets go to ATL to watch the game! You're completely valid in feeling the way you did, take it from a guy, he's being emotionally immature, b/c he can't own up to the fact that he already made plans with you, but because he really wants to go to atl with his friends, he's trying to reverse it to make it look like its bc YOU can't go, and ultimately guilt trip you into not being upset if he goes.

 

Its ridiculous, but unfortunately, most of us are guilty of it, it's just natural that people don't want to admit their wrong, and more times than not subconsciously find another way to legitimize it.

 

Does he actually have tickets to go, or is he just going to go watch it at a bar? Because I'd understand a lot more if he had tickets, even though he already made plans (not saying hes right even if he does at all, hes still not) BUT i really doubt he has tickets, I live in atlanta and tickets are through the roof expensive.

 

GO GATORS!!

[mariposa81]

He actually didn't have tickets, so had he went, he would have ended up watching the game in a bar with the other 3 guys who also didn't have tickets. My last few posts revealed that he decided to stay. We're supposed to be going to the mountains together this weekend.

 

To nutbrownhare, you're right by saying that if I'm going to stay in this relationship, I need to find a way to be happy regardless of what he does or doesn't do. It's hard for me lately though to motivate to do other things because this situation has honestly made me feel so depressed lately. I sometimes wish I hadn't put myself back in this situation because I was in such a GOOD place this summer. I was confident, feeling good about myself and was truly happy by myself. Not to mentioned, I had learned a lot about myself because I had worked on myself sooooo hard after the breakup. I even feel stagnant in my weekly therapy sessions.

 

With regard to New Year's, to be honest, I think it's not just New Year's per se, but a little deeper than that. This is the last year of his residency and being that he's from LA, when we first made the decision to start dating again, he had said repeatedly that he would sacrifice living here in North Carolina for a few years so we could be together because he realized how much I meant to him, etc etc. He took the board exam right before we broke up, didn't pass a part of it, so he has to take that part over again sometime in the next couple of months in order to be able to practice his trade here in this state. I honestly don't know if he's even really going to take it because he hasn't been preparing for it.

 

He's just always making comments like, "This is the last chance I'll have to do such-and-such here since I'm almost done with my program...." He's always talking like he's going to move away after he's done (when we were together before, we had discussed me moving out to where he lives for good after a few more years here where I'm from). We've been together for over 2 years and I guess I feel like he's just going to leave when he's finished (and he's broken up with someone in the past because he can't do long distance relationships). If that's the case, why are we putting all this effort into this just so when he's done, he can be like, "Okay that was fun. Thanks for everything. take care." If he just has plans to leave when he's completed his program, why continue on a road that will most definitely lead to hurt in the end by him just picking up and disappearing from my life?

 

The New Year's issue is just an example of me feeling like it's ending a little bit everyday, even though he hasn't said specifically what his intentions are. But his random statements here and there just lead me to believe he has no intentions of continuing to live here or no intentions of being with me when he's done. I hope that clarifies where my sadness about New Year's really stems from.

[einsteins_girl]

I am of the opinion that a relationship should (for the most part) enhance your life, bring good things to it, and bring you added happiness.

 

This:

 

It's hard for me lately though to motivate to do other things because this situation has honestly made me feel so depressed lately. I sometimes wish I hadn't put myself back in this situation because I was in such a GOOD place this summer. I was confident, feeling good about myself and was truly happy by myself. Not to mentioned, I had learned a lot about myself because I had worked on myself sooooo hard after the breakup. I even feel stagnant in my weekly therapy sessions.

 

is really worrisome. No relationship should make you feel this way so thoroughly and consistently. Based on what you wrote, you were actually HAPPIER before you got back together with him. Knowing that, I'm not sure why you're trying so hard to get it to work. I mean, I know you love him, and I know it's hard to let go... but I think you acknowledge that it just isn't making you happy and that you know (or can relearn) how to be happy without this relationship... it just seems like a waste of time to keep trying at something that makes you miserable.

 

I know that's easier said than done, but I don't want you to waste time being miserable if there's something better and more fulfilling out there for you.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Nice! This is exactly how my last relationship went. I just didn't know how to 'quantify' what was going on. I felt like I couldn't do anything right, she felt like I didn't care about her. This post explains a lot.