No contact with ex for 2 1/2 months and yesterday I find a letter at my door...what should I do?

[amipushy]

I think you're absolutely right to be scared. Why not tell him that its been so long and you are worried that things will be short lived so you would prefer to take things slowly with no expectations of getting back together but rather build some sort of friendship through LC, and see what happens then maybe bring up introducing the odd phone call later down the line, and build from there.

 

If he means what he says, then he will take it as slowly as you like. And also that will be the bigget test of all to see if he means what he says and you will be able to control it and build trust from a distance without opening up too much and without risking too much emotional damage.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Okay, I can see your side VERY clearly. I am your ex so to speak. I made promises, and broke them repeatedly. I made changes, and tried to show her. My ex said almost EXCATLY what you're going to be telling your ex. My ex wanted to be friends first to see if I've really changed. Its very fair of you to ask that.

 

BUT.................

 

I see his side and his possible reaction to your letter or the way you want to start out as friends. It's not going to be fair to this guy if you say you want to start out as friends, and see where it goes or if you still have feelings. Because HE STILL DOES. That's where I had to turn down the offer from my ex. I'm just not capable of being casual friends at this point. And I doubt your ex is either. So.............

 

If you want to work it out, you need to say that. You can say you want to take it VERY SLOW, but saying you want to be friends with him is going to be VERY touchy. But I totally understand where you're coming from. Tough call. Maybe someone on here will come up with a way to state it more clearly. But I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

[DN]

Try this:

 

"Thanks for your letter. It has given me a lot of food for thought. I am sure you will realise that I am nervous about trying again because of the hurt that that I felt and you will appreciate I don't want to go through anything like that again.

 

So I need some reassurances that things will be different - a lot different. And I also need to know that if there is still love between us that it is strong enough after all we have been through and the time we have been apart to sustain a relationship.

 

Simply put - I need to feel confidence in you once again if we are to proceed. How you can give me that is problematical. So perhaps you would give that some thought and let me know what you think might be done."

[GoldenHillGuy]

Simply put - I need to feel confidence in you once again if we are to proceed. How you can give me that is problematical. So perhaps you would give that some thought and let me know what you think might be done."

 

 

That's what I'm trying to say. Thanks DN.

 

They don't call you a 'Super Moderator' for nothin'!

[mariposa81]

I COMPLETELY see your point! The whole "friends" thing is a very touchy subject. Even to me. To be honest, I don't think we could be friends after coming out of such a longterm climactic relationship as ours. I really don't even know how to be his friend, as crazy as that may sound lol. I've ended up being friends with a couple of my ex's but it didn't happen until we were both completely over one another, had moved on to other people, and it had been at least a year. So yeah...totally agree with you on that.. being friends or even saying that we'll "start off as friends and see what happens" is out of the question at this point.

 

The response you wrote DN fits my frame of mind completely!! Sooooo nicely put!! They need to call you a Super Duper Moderator

[DN]

The thing about my suggestion is that it isn't confrontational but it puts the ball back in his court. He is the one who has to come up with ways to make you more likely to trust that he won't behave like that again. But it also invites dialogue in general terms - you can thrash out the details later.

[GoldenHillGuy]

The thing about my suggestion is that it isn't confrontational but it puts the ball back in his court. He is the one who has to come up with ways to make you more likely to trust that he won't behave like that again. But it also invites dialogue in general terms - you can thrash out the details later.

 

 

Who is this guy? Do you get paid to work for eNA? LOL Impressive.

[mariposa81]

So I took DN's advice and replied last night with the following message:

 

"Hey,

 

First off, thank you for your letter and for respecting my time in thinking and processing all that was written. It has given me a lot of food for thought. I am sure you realize that I am nervous and hesitant about trying again because of the hurt that I felt and you can appreciate that I don't want to go through anything like that again.

 

So I need some reassurance that things will be different - a lot different. And I also need to know that if, in fact, there is still love between us, that it is strong enough after all we have been through and the time we have been apart to sustain a happy, healthy relationship.

 

Simply put - I need to feel confidence in you once again if we are to proceed. How you can give me that is problematic. So perhaps you would give that some thought and let me know what you think might be done.

 

J****"

 

 

This is the response that I received from him about 5 minutes ago:

 

"J****,

 

I am in receipt of your last email. Thank you for your response. I do understand your hesitation. There was a lot of hurt caused by times of neglect on my part - both physical and emotional. I have learned a great deal from this. I know I can be better and know you deserve better.

 

Whether our love will work and stand the test of time is out of my hands. I know I do love you, but it's also been almost 3 months since we have had any contact. If we do proceed there are some things we need to discuss.

 

Firstly I don't want to overcompensate and do more than I can handle and then stop being able to be that man. I want to be a good man from the start, a very good man. A man u can look to and be proud of. However I can't be constantly judged on past mistakes. You will undoubdetdly see a different approach from me in the relationship. You won't see a magically different man, but you will see that I am one who has learned from my mistakes and a man who knows now how much he does want to be with you and someone that is confident in us.

 

Whatever we do decide to do I believe we should proceed slowly and see how they progress. There is no need to rush back in things and bite off more than we can handle. In any event there are a lot of things I believe we each need to discuss and put on the table. Open and honest communication is something that I want from us if we continue. If u are interested in meeting for dinner and discussing I would love to take you out.

 

I will wait to hear from you.

 

**** "

 

 

I'm glad to hear that he doesn't want to rush into things (I'm sooooo not ready for that), however regarding his thinking that we have a lot to discuss, to be honest, I sort of don't want to discuss the past because I don't want to relive all that again and feel the emotions that I felt as I experienced it all. At the same time, I do have a lot of questions and concerns about the here and now.

 

I'm not sure of the tone of this email with regard to the letter that he left me. The letter he left in my door had more of a "I'm certain you're the one I want to be with, I've realized how much I love you since we've been apart, and I've changed a lot" tone. This email to me seems different. More of an "it's been 3 months so I'm not really sure, I'm still working on being different" tone.

 

It sort of makes me feel like his letter was a declaration of his love for me and how he's changed because he lost me, whereas now it seems like that was just a way to get my attention and in actuality he needs more time to work on himself so "don't expect me to be drastically different".

 

What do you all think? I think I may post the original letter left in my door so you all can see what I mean.

 

What should I do?

 

This whole situation just makes me feel so nervous...

 

Thanks in advance.

[mariposa81]

Here is the initial letter that I posted about to begin with:

 

The first part was a poem followed by a letter from him:

 

"Untitled

 

How do I say I'm sorry when the love has gone away?

To tell the person I loved so dearly but didn't show her the right way,

That I would give her anything for her to hear me say,

That she is the one my heart beats for each and every day.

That her smile lights up even the darkest of rooms

And her touch can pick me up from even the most somber of moods.

That I would give the world again to show her my true feelings,

That my attitude and demeanor have new beginnings.

Her eyes I miss oh so dearly,

She's the one I want to spend my nights with yearly.

Yearly for the hands of time that cross my days,

she's the one that I want to love always.

Two months without a hearing a single word,

Phone calls unanswered and without any progress that was forward.

The time may have passed and be gone forever,

But my love for her is so true and is worth this endeavor.

An endeavor that may turn into no reward,

But at least she'll know that to me she means the world.

I wouldn't give anything to change the hands of time,

Because those hands of time have given me a reason and the strength to find,

To find a new way and a new avenue to showcase my love,

And to show the man I am, rather than the man I was.

To learn to communicate with attentive ears,

Rather than just go with the flow for nearly two years.

To show her she's the only one I want to make happy every single day,

In each and every single way.

To show her happiness in the way we make love,

And put her on a stilt way above,

Above the other simplicities in my life,

All of which I would sacrifice,

To hold her hand again and look her in the eye,

And tell her "I love you baby...let's give this another try."

But to those words she will have negative feelings,

Why wasn't it that way in the past through all the crying and screaming?

She will undoubtedly think these words have been said before,

On a number of occasions I looked to her and swore,

That change I would and change i need,

But I never really stepped up to the deed.

How do I let her know that this time things are truly not the same,

That I don't want to just be with her just because I think it's a game

Rather that I took the time to truly realize,

how much I truly miss and adore looking into those hazel eeys.

How much her skin against mine feels so right,

How much for her I am willing to fight.

It seems like hope is lost and she will never want to hear,

The words she feels have already been heard before by her very own ears.

It is true, the same person I undoubtedly am,

the same one that she once proudly said was her man.

A man that is honest, loving, loyal and giving.

But one that has learned a great deal from the road that was difficultly driven.

That the next time I won't take another's love for granted,

I only hope that my heart can beat for her again and not be wasted.

Wasted on another that is not so deserving,

Of my transformation for which she was the reason.

My heart would love to beat for her again,

But if she still denies I will have to let my heart mend.

But I didn't want the chance to disappear,

Without her knowing how much I would do to have her near.

I've always heard that if you love something you must let it go,

And if it doesn't come back to you it was never really truly yours.

Well if that old famous saying is in fact true,

Here I am standing at your door just for you.

I only have one more thing to say before I bid a final adieu,

It is simply to say, "I love you."

 

J****,

 

It's been a while since we talked or had any communication. Through this time I am sure we've both done some soul searching and undoubtedly, I am better because of it, as I am sure you are too without having certain triggers that cause each of us to react...me with tuning u out and u yelling because I was tuning you out. If there is one thing I do know, is that I really do love you.

 

Dealing with this breakup has been hard for me to do. On one side, I thought it was for the better as we may have been in different points in our lives anyway with the outlook on marriage and kids and where we want to live, but on the other side I know how much I love you and feel those matters can be worked out through honest and open communication. I realize how stubborn I was in my beliefs of when I want to be married, where I want to live and all....and I never thought it was a problem. At the time I was torn about losing a girl I loved versus having what I wanted.

 

However now I realize all those things are so secondary without having someone you truly and deeply care for by your side to share those memories and experiences with. I'd rather be away from LA if it means being next to you. I'd rather give up a few years off of my"I have to be 30 before I'm married" if it meant that I would get to share those years that I was in my 20's with you. I have never been so honest and frank with someone before and it's a little hard putting these words down, especially as I haven't even heard from you at all and don't know if you even feel the same way or have a new person in your life or whatever. But I know that I had to be honest with myself and at least let you know how I feel.

 

Undoubtedly, if you don't want to venture into giving us another chance, there will be plenty of girls and guys for each of us and each will find one that makes our hearts happy. I have never believed in one girl for every man, and I think that's also been a problem in my belief that I could be rigid and could be selfish b/c if it doesn't work out between us, there will always be another. This was a wrong mentality. Right now, I don't care for another. I have found someone I truly love and someone I want to grow for and become better for. I am content with that and don't need to look for someone better.

 

There is no doubt that we are both a great catch...both young, family oriented, educated, successful people. But there is so much more that I love about you that's not on paper. Small things like your gentle touch, the way you pray for your loved ones, the way you put your heart into the ones you care for, your smile, your laugh, your devotion to God, you givingness, your unselfishness, your constant drive to make yourself a better person, your time that you take to think things through and most of all your heart. I know there was a lot of neglect and hurtful things that were said. I can't believe all the times we were in romantic places and didn't make love. I can't believe I told you the reason I don't like having sex with you is because you don't cum. I can't believe I never asked you to tell me what you like in bed and what I can do that makes you feel good, as every person is different. Why I let my ego get bruised or hurt rather than spend the real time to truly figuring out what J**** likes and how I can work with her to make things better than ever before.

 

There is a lot that I ahve learned through these last couple months, through my discussions with my psychologist and my readings. I know I did have a lot of shortcomings. However, I also realized that at the same time I was a very good man in other regards. I always cared for you in school, your work, and wanted nothing but the best for you. I eagerly brought you around friends and family with open arms. I showed you affection and love, was always open with my emotions and public displays of affection which is not how I have always been. My list goes on as well, as obviously there was a reason you loved me so much at one point.

 

My point is that our relatinship was one that had a lot of potential. But just like any relationship, after the "honeymoon stage", a relationship takes work, and there were many times I didn't put in that work. That is were our problem lied. Not in the fact that we weren't compatible, but the fact that I didn't put in the effort. what I would do to take quality time with you now and take advantage of our early morning weekends and go and spend the day having a picnic on Jordan Lake or going and reading together on the grass at Duke Gardens, or going to farmers markets with you, picking out and planning a meal which we could truly make together, to go out at nights with you and dance even if it were just me and you, to take weekend trips to local places, to have you over earlier than 10pm to just watch a movie and sleep, to spend time with you at the pool, to work out together, to call your parents and make plans to take them out and treat them to dinner and begin to get to know them, to truly make an effort in spending quality time. Like i said in the beginning, our time may have passed, but I had to let you know how I feel and how much I do still care for you and what I would do different if we decided to give this another chance.

 

Anyway, what I can promise you is this will be the absolute last text, email, letter, or phone call you ever hear from me again if I don't hear back from you, b/c there is nothing more for me to say.

 

I will wait to see how it unfolds,

 

With love and care,

**** "

[GoldenHillGuy]

I'm not sure of the tone of this email with regard to the letter that he left me........This email to me seems different. More of an "it's been 3 months so I'm not really sure, I'm still working on being different" tone.

 

......What do you all think? I think I may post the original letter left in my door so you all can see what I mean.

 

Well.....my honest opinion is that he still feels the same way, but had to tone it down a bit because of your response. He poured his heart out, you reply, and rightly so, that you're a bit hesitant. I think any normal person would back off a bit, and try to guard their heart. I wouldn't read too much into the 'tone' of his email. It looks good, and he's letting you control the pace. Good luck, but don't abuse the power you have.

[jenny_mcs]

I think his latest reply sounds defensive. I would be very nervous if this was the reply i got. It almost sounds like he's already back-tracking.

[GoldenHillGuy]

I think his latest reply sounds defensive. I would be very nervous if this was the reply i got. It almost sounds like he's already back-tracking.

 

I respectfully disagree.

 

Listen.........This guy has laid everything out. He probably expected some kind of 'storybook' reply from her. The tone of her email was very matter of fact, concise, and almost emotionless. He backed off with the sweet talking. That's all there is to it.

 

He also says he doesn't want to be judged on the past. He wants this to be a NEW relationship. As it should be. Or as much as it can.

 

But, I think he is worried your expectations of him might be too high. When a person is dumped, they will make changes, but they are really left in the dark on what changes to make. He's not a mind reader. He's made some changes that he thought caused the relationship to fail. What else can he do? This is why he puts that out there. He doesn't want her to expect a totally different person. He's the same guy with some improvements. He's willing to show you those improvements, but at the same time, doesn't want to fake anything, only to have you resent him later. I think its a good response. So I guess what I'm saying is, the reply sounds good to me, and is something I would've written myself. If you seriously think you're going to want more than this guy can reasonably offer you, then you better tell him. If not, go out to dinner with him. That's all he's put out there at this point. Good luck, and don't read into it too much. Take it for EXCATLY what it says.

[mariposa81]

I think his latest reply sounds defensive. I would be very nervous if this was the reply i got. It almost sounds like he's already back-tracking.

 

This is what I felt as well. Almost as if he didn't really mean what he said in the first letter. In the original letter, it's like, "I know we've been apart for a while, but this time has helped me learn how to be a better man to you and I would give another to have another chance with you" and in the email he sent today, it's like, "I still love you BUT...it's been a whole 3 months since we've seen each other so I don't know how I feel."

 

I don't know how to respond. Maybe I could be overanalyzing things but it makes me question his motives behind the original letter. Did he try to play the field and was unsuccessful or didn't find anyone he's interested in and maybe in the last 2 weeks he's found someone he likes and now he doesn't want to rush into anything so he'll still be available? Did he write the initial letter just because he was missing me/lonely/etc?

 

I sort of feel like his recent email is almost contradicting the tone in his original letter in a way.

 

Need a little help here..How do you guys think I should proceed?

[mariposa81]

Wow....posts get put up so fast, lol.

 

Why do you think he brought up the fact that "it's been 3 months"? I mean, it didn't seem to matter much in his first letter.

 

I'm sooooooo reading into this waaay too much lol.

[mariposa81]

No offense taken.

 

I guess the reason why I'm going through this in my head is because in the past, we would break up and he would do something similar to what he's done here...writing a letter, claiming to have changed, etc. He's gone through these great lengths in the past. Granted, we've never gone 2 1/2 months of NC, but I'm not new to this with him. When we were together, I would give things another shot or we would reconcile and I would put faith into him thinking, "okay, this time it's going to be different" but it was always shortlived. He's put me through a LOT in the past, so I think it's only normal for me to be this cautious. And not everything that we've been through I've posted here. I mean, don't I have the right to be cautious with MY emotions??

 

He even swore he would begin seeing a therapist when we were together, but he never did. I was the one who began seeing a therapist a couple of months before we broke up.

 

It's taken me a while to get to where I'm at now where I feel good about myself and feel confident in who I am and know my worth. I just want to be sure that he's at least TRULY made the effort to put into effect at least some changes. I know how hard I've worked to become a better person. I don't expect him to have completely converted, but I also want to be careful with my heart.

[GoldenHillGuy]

I'm sooooooo reading into this waaay too much lol.

 

 

Yes you are!

[GoldenHillGuy]

This is excatly the way I read the letter too.

[GoldenHillGuy]

By the way, I really like this thread. It gives me some insight as to what my ex may be going through, and why she said what she said. Thanks!

[mariposa81]

I also want to add that this thread hits close to home for me as well - so I apologize if I ever seem too vehement - I can identify with your ex more than you know, and I feel for him. I also feel like I can maybe give you some insight into his thought process - so I am truly just trying to help.

 

It's okay Izzy I definitely appreciate your incite. It helps me more than you know. That's why I posted here. I talk to you all almost more than my therapist. It's like therapy, between therapy sessions

[mariposa81]

I never thought of it like this. You're completely right. He does have the right to be concerned. I have no idea what he wants to discuss though. It sort of scares me. To be honest, I really don't want to discuss in great detail the specific negative things that happened in our relationship. I've spent a lot of time letting those things go, putting them behind me, and quite frankly, I'm over it. If we do discuss them, I'd rather do it in the company of a therapist or counselor. So that's one good thing, he doesn't have to worry about me bringing up the past to him because I don't want to feel those bad feelings again by discussing it over and over again.

 

I just know that I don't want to experience any malfeelings from this point on the way I did before. It's being burned before repeatedly by him that's causing me to be so cautious. I just don't want us to fall back into similar patterns if we make it that far. If we're going to move forward in a new direction, I want to do just that.

 

I guess there's no real way to know anything (especially whether or not the love and chemistry is still there) until we talk. So do you all think I should accept his dinner invitation and see how it goes?

[mariposa81]

And also (sorry, just one more thing)... I think that you would truly, truly, TRULY need to be able to let go of your hurt and your opinions of him from before. Because if you let them taint your mindset, you will see things that might not be there. You will continue to read into his tone - you will continue to doubt what he's saying - you'll judge every word that comes out of his mouth or every action he takes.

 

You really have to be willing to see him with completely fresh eyes. If you can't do that, I don't think it's fair to him... because even if he has changed, you won't be able to see it.

 

Good point. I would need to be able to see him as a new person and make decisions and judgements based from here on out, not from before. Thus a good reason to go very very slow with one another I think we're both still a work in progress

[mariposa81]

I just want to caution you that, to some degree, I think the past may need to be discussed. Not extensively but it needs to be discussed. My ex reconciled with me briefly, but he did it by just declaring me his girlfriend again to others. We didn't talk about what had gone wrong. We didn't talk about what needed to change. Nothing. So, of course it didn't work... again. The past can't be ignored or shoved under the rug. It has to be acknowledged, to an extent. And then both parties need to move forward and look at the relationship and each other anew. (In a perfect world, at least.)

 

 

That's true. I definitely don't want us to ignore it, I just want it to be discussed in a constructive manner that doesn't cause either or us to feel bad or relive those hurt feelings. We often tried to discuss our problems when we were together, but it was often a very painful discussion, which is why I suggested doing it in the presense of a therapist now that we've both been working on improving ourselves. But since it's been a while, maybe we will be able to do it from an objective standpoint.

 

Either way, you're right. It is necessary to better understand what went wrong and to prevent the past from repeating itself.

[mariposa81]

So what do you guys think..give dinner a shot?

[Hopelives]

How about just drinks... dinner sounds "heavy" - make it light, encouraging, but light...

[Ellie2006]

 

Firstly I don't want to overcompensate and do more than I can handle

 

However I can't be constantly judged on past mistakes.

 

I think his latest reply sounds defensive. I would be very nervous if this was the reply i got. It almost sounds like he's already back-tracking.

 

I agree with Jenny_mcs, mainly based on the two sections I've underlined above. While there are many "nice" parts to his reply, the two statements above would make me nervous as well, considering the history between you two.

 

I think the second sentence about not wanting to be constantly judged, while understandable, is particularly problematic. So ... if you see the same patterns re-emerging, you cant say anything at all? I only ask this because I know that you excused a lot on his behalf while you were with him before.

 

I truly dont want to make trouble or be overly analytical but ... I think it's better to be more cautious than be sorry several months down the road.

 

In the meantime, I do think it'd be ok to go and see him for dinner or for coffee or drinks, just to see if his original letter was simply a one-time-only grand gesture, an act which he is not willing to follow up on, or if he really seems ready to make amends.

 

Good luck!