No contact with ex for 2 1/2 months and yesterday I find a letter at my door...what should I do?

[sine]

I feel like I need some more time to process this and think all this through. Baby steps is an overstatement for the turtle-like pace at which I want to approach this whole thing.

 

So is the concensus that it's okay to contact him, acknowledging that I received and read his letter, maybe adding that I think his efforts to improve himself are great and to keep it up, but also let him know that I need some time to process and think about all this?

 

I also want to add that I want to write this via email because I don't even feel ready to talk to him on the phone at this point.

 

just take it slow. it's about you more than anything & knowing what you want. if he does care about you & wants you in his life, he's going to work with you instead of acting rashly. as a matter of fact, if he's the man he says he's become your actions will probably unintentionally test him too. then maybe you'll see if that's what you want by his actions/reactions.

 

yeah, go email. if you're not ready to talk, email instead. slow, slow slow...be strong, don't be pushed into anything you don't want to be pushed into...

 

good luck!

[Hosvius]

go for it, take it slow. see how things are going. This guy is obviously head over heals for you and has gone through a great deal to change for you. I say give him a second chance see what he has to offer.

[Lsdaddy]

I've been on both sides of the fence in my life, the dumpee and the dumper. I know, from a dumper standpoint, I knew it was over and there was no doubt. From a dumpee standpoint, I had hope until hope was pointless...

 

I ask you, being the dumper who wasn't happy, what does your heart tell you...if what he wrote was true and he lives up to his word, will that be enough for you??? If not, it isn't fair to either of you to continue with this. If so, I personally say give him another chance...I realize that 2 1/2 months isn't a long time but think about how fast your relationship went in the first 2 1/2 months. Time is a VERY relative term when we talk about love.

 

Ultimately, listen to your heart on this one...that's my advice.

 

Lsdaddy

[mariposa81]

When things had gotten rough, I did say that if he was to permanently change his ways, he would be the man I would want to spend my life with. But his selfishness in the past just sucked me dry from an emotional standpoint and made it extremely difficult for me to want to stay in it which is why I broke up with him. I didn't like the person I was becoming.

 

I'm just so unsure of his motives and I question everything particularly because he's hurt me, and I don't completely trust his intentions (I think I'd have a hard time trusting anyone from this point on though). This is exactly why, however, I want to go verrrrrrry verrrry slow on this one.

 

On the other hand, he did take a risk in pouring his heart out and writing me because since he hasn't talked to me in so long, he doesn't even know whether I'm dating or worse yet for him, involved with someone. For all he knows, I could write him and say, "I met someone and have been very happy, so please stay out of my life."

 

I still haven't written yet, but I guess I will try email first. Things will have to be on my terms and if he doesn't go along with it, then he's still selfish and never really meant any of it anyway.

 

What do you guys think?

[soulmeetsbody]

You seem genuinely confused and that's great you're not willing to jump into anything because you know you have a lot to lose now.We are in similar situations so maybe I could help you a bit?I've been dealing with a lot of personal problems for a few years. When I stopped taking my medication for it (with the help of a doctor), things became harder for me and my ex and I took it out on him.We are perfect for each other but my problems drained him - he did everything to make me happy and in the end we just lost parts of ourselves.

 

We broke up twice. The first break-up, he dumped me. It was a stupid and a month long breakup, but still the pain and the time apart taught me hat I needed to stop being selfish, because even if I had problems, I needed to consider his feelings and the interest of our relationship I thought I learned and would be a better gf. I told him how I saw the situation, apologized and showed what I'd do to change- but mainly it was about him apologizing for dumping me. We took it really slow,as hard as it was, but after a few weeks it was back to the same problems as I still had the same issues and still refused to take medication.

 

So we split up again 3 months later, mutually. And do I love him? Yes terribly, and he loves me too. But this time I refuse to be with him until I am a 100% sure I have changed as an individual and as a gf. If your ex can't prove he's a better partner unless you're actually together, he still needs to prove he's changed as a single person. I wish my bf assessed that when he begged me to get back with him after the 1st breakup. Even if I knew not being careful could mean losing him again, some issues just can't be dealt with within a relationship.I thought it would take me 2 months to get back on track...But recently I realized it may take much longer, 6 months, a year? And therapy, and reading, and thinking and just time and life... To create a habit of an action or a way of thinking you must dedicate yourself to it everyday and follow real discipline, over a long period of time. You can't take the risk of getting back with him until you feel you're both amazing as a singles AND as potential partners.

 

 

I really don't want to sound negative because to me your post seems positive - he definitely wants you back. And I think he means everything he says, he does want to change and has worked on himself. But even if the motivation and desire is here, you need to want what you see not what he says. My advice may be strange but don't seem too keen. As soon as he gets too much hope he may get manipulative as he sees the 'goal' getting closer and try to make you believe what you want. Whether you're nice or not, he's meant to chase you the same, and accept its on your terms,and that you dont even consider getting back with him until he shows a new person. Over time, his actions and reactions to this will show if he really became someone more caring and patient.

[mariposa81]

What an EXCELLENT point!! If he rushes things because he feels he can't prove he's a better person unless we're together, then he still needs to prove he's changed as a person outside of our relationship. To completely change a habit, it does take dedication every single day for it to become a stable part of your life and it does take real discipline. I didn't think of it that way...even though I'm in no hurry to rush back into anything, I need to feel we're amazing as single individuals AND as potential partners before we can be back together to ensure the best chance for success.

 

I feel like I'm better as a single person from my hard work since the break up, but I'm not sure that from an individual standpoint, he feels he's better as a person. It may be the case, but it seems he's just focused on being a better man for me within a relationship.

 

I'm not considering responding through email because I don't want to be alone. As a matter of fact, I've enjoyed singledom and am okay with being alone. Being in therapy has helped me to gain self-acceptance and and a great deal of confidence. Based on my story, do you all think that he made this grandious gesture just because he's missed me and doesn't like being alone? Or do you all think it's possible that he's really thought this through?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>do you all think that he made this grandious gesture just because he's missed me and doesn't like being alone?

 

Yes, or he wouldn't have sent it.

 

>>Or do you all think it's possible that he's really thought this through?

 

That's the $64,000 question. Couples who get back together and stay together make personal changes to do so. But lots are just focusing on the goal of getting back together then back to the same problems and a second breakup.

 

So your best bet to succeed is to get couples counseling before you agree to get back with him.

[soulmeetsbody]

Taking such a big risk sending you that letter after 2 1/2 months show a lot. I mean after NC for so long, pouring his heart out like this...It may be trying too hard, as it may be a genuine testimony.. He may just be lonely but let's assume he really loves you and wants it to work, there's a big difference between seeing, understanding or changing a situation. I thought I 'realized' my mistakes so many times.Everytime the pain from conflicts felt like wake-up calls to seek help.When we split up he cried and cried and said he loves me so much and just wishes I was healthy in my body and mind, I thought THIS was a wake-up call but it still wasn't.I wanted change but it wasn't real motivation.It was still about changing for him,redeeming myself, and relieving the immediate pain of losing him.

 

The only time I could tell I really was changing was when I realized I wouldnt take him back if he begged...I love him now more than ever but I've got too much respect for our couple,him and myself to risk it all going sour again. The switch is really big, from desiring the change to actually understanding what change really implies, the rewards and the pain...and the time and dedication...but can't be seen in words.My speech would probably be the same, whether I sent him a letter a week after we split up or in 5 months if I really changed. I would mean it 100% in both cases, just like I meant it when we got back together the 1st time.Only your ex knows if he changed for good or if he's simply 'planning' on changing once he has you back,then he could evaluate how he can do it...That's why it's a bit hard for me (and especially you) to understand his thoughts. Just this letter can't help you know...

 

If he just wants you out of loneliness it'll be easy for you to evaluate. You'll see it in his eyes, meeting up would completely change your situation...did it always feel like he loved you? If he really changed it'll take more time to know. For both it is safe to consider building a friendship now, or maybe not 'friends' but 'friendly terms'. He shouldnt seem to be trying too hard when he talks about how he changed...eventually you'll need to talk face to face about the breakup...and if then he gets too defensive and selfish it would be a warning sign. Play it by ear I guess. Until you meet up , you can't really tell.

 

With my ex,we met up a few times after the breakup and he could see i still felt resentment...much later we bumped into each other randomly and from then spent a fantastic weekend together (just over a week ago...) and he told me he could see i was embracing the change now and looked peaceful. I was no longer refusing the breakup without thinking just because I felt rejected and lonely. Even if we had a great time, as a couple as well, it didnt confuse me (altho it did confuse him) I still knew that even if we're a great couple and we really love each ohter , we could either be an even better one in the future or two amazing separate people...It completely flipped the situation around meeting up one last time.

 

 

good luck!

[mariposa81]

So I just sent a reply via email:

 

"Hey. I received and read the letter you left at my door. Before moving in any direction regarding anything, I need and want to take time to think and process it all, especially since I have a lot going on right now. If you're indeed still seeing a therapist, keep it up because I think that's great. ~J****"

 

When I wrote that I have a lot going on right now, I just bought a new house and I'm in the process of moving, buying furniture, etc so I've been pretty preoccupied lately...I move in Sept 8th.

 

It was sooooooooooooooo hard writing that email, even if it was only a couple of lines!!!

[bfla]

Wow - I wish my ex would be so receptive to a Big Letter as you have been.

[mariposa81]

Wow - I wish my ex would be so receptive to a Big Letter as you have been.

 

 

Well, I'm not at all saying that I'm going to get back with him. I have some serious decisions to make and serious thinking to do regarding him and I need the time to do it.

 

I haven't had him in my life in so long, I have to decide is it worth the risk bringing him back into my life in ANY way if he in fact, hasn't changed.

 

I feel like I have a lot to think about.

[bfla]

I would say you certainly do....

[mawfish]

Personally, I strongly get the feeling this guy is obsessing about you and is desperate to get back with you just to make himself feel better. Sure he’s seen a therapist a few times and may think slightly differently about you than he did before, but the way he has ignored your request to not contact you and has kept sending texts etc every couple of weeks and sending a long letter shows that he is not in a place to have a healthy relationship with you. I think you are sensing his desperation which is quite rightly making you feel uneasy about getting in touch with him.

 

He has not really done any NC. As most people would suggest the main purpose of NC is to get yourself into a place where you are happy with yourself and how you relate with other people, not obsessing about your ex and going over and over the relationship, and certainly not being desperate or needing to get back with the ex. Sure he can want to get back to you (which is healthy), but this is a different thing to needing to for his emotional survival – which is how he comes accross.

 

I get the feeling that if he logged on to this board and told his story, he would get a lot of advice to stop sending messages, not write letters, re-establish his sense of self etc etc. which would be the right advice. I think if you contacted him now you would just feed his emotional instability which wouldn’t be good for either of you. You will feel like you’re hurting him just by being yourself, and he will go backwards (if he is actually healing), or continue to delay properly healing and growing.

 

My guess is he will be hanging on your every word, listening and analysing for any hint of acceptance or rejection instead of being a happy, confident individual that you can have a great relationship with. My advice would be to either ignore this letter, which might be his last desperate attempt, or ask him to respect your request for no contact where he does try to contact you at all (for at least for a couple of months). I think if he were truly ok with you and himself you would feel differently. Anyway, I this is just an opinion but I hope it might help in some way. Anyway I hope it all works out, and you both are happy and fulfilled, together or apart.

[mariposa81]

This is definitely some helpful advice. The thing is, I just sent him a short email (see above).

 

I have indeed thought about what you've said in terms of him ignoring my request for him to not contact me. Everytime I got a text it sort of came accross as selfish because even though I asked him not to contact me, he would still do it every so often and say that he would "like to talk to me at some point if it was okay." I told him not to contact me any further on June 24th, yet on June 28th he sent a text that said "Hey J****. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and miss u. I don't expect a text back, but I hope you're having a good time doing whatever you're doing. Take care."

 

I don't want him wanting me just to asuage his own feelings of rejection or loneliness.

 

So yeah, considering everything, I have a LOOOOOT of thinking to do.

[mariposa81]

He just wrote me back:

 

"Hey J****

I understand and respect your time. There is certainly a lot to process and think about and there is no rush.

I still am seeing my therapist. It is helping me a lot with all aspects of my life, not just relationships, and is something I look forward to every week now. I should have seen one a long time ago, it would have certainly helped me in dealing with my stresses and our problems in a much more constructive and positive way.

Take care,

****"

 

Now if I could just get all these thoughts straight....

[mawfish]

Hey, sorry I missed your email. It was nice and non-committal. His reply seems pretty mature doesn't it, but I'm not totally convinced My feeling would still be to go a month or two of proper no contact. It will give you a chance of finding some clarity - without him trying to keep himself on your mind.

 

You can also see if he genuinely cares for your happiness by accepting this graciously and respecting not contacting you. He may well be still thinking about everything in his life in the context of getting back together with you and a proper break would help him not do this. I guess I'm just skeptical that he really has done the growing he needs to because he has been trying to contact you regularly. In many cases I just don't think it happens. If he comes back after that, great - and you may well have a chance at a good relationship. If he doesn't, then you have a chance at a happy relationship with someone else who really knows themselves already and you can have more faith in.

[27thorphanag]

I'm new to this forum and I want to say thank you to all of you for expressing your hopes and fears. It really helps.

 

I'm going through a break-up that ended 2 months ago as well, due to the stress of long distance and the realization that we will be living 10 hours away, permanently. I identify with what each of you are saying. As it pertains to every type of break-up.

 

Mari, good work for taking a stand. If he is true to his word that he is changing and he is madly in love with you, it won't matter how long you stay away or ignore him, he will always love you. So take as much time as you need.

[mariposa81]

I'm new to this forum and I want to say thank you to all of you for expressing your hopes and fears. It really helps.

 

I'm going through a break-up that ended 2 months ago as well, due to the stress of long distance and the realization that we will be living 10 hours away, permanently. I identify with what each of you are saying. As it pertains to every type of break-up.

 

Mari, good work for taking a stand. If he is true to his word that he is changing and he is madly in love with you, it won't matter how long you stay away or ignore him, he will always love you. So take as much time as you need.

 

27thorphanag,

 

Welcome to enotalone I'm so sorry to hear about your recent breakup. Based on the history I had with my ex, I know exactly what you're going through. When two people love each other, breakups are hard regardless of the circumstances. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. This place has been a lifesaver for me.

 

Thank you for your encouraging words to me. I'm currently weighing everything in my head, going back and forth in how to move forward regarding him..or whether I should move forward at all. It's sort of weird for me, because I haven't thought about him this much in a long time. I wish I already knew the outcome so that I could base my decision on that. But no one knows the future. The one thing I do know is that I definitely don't want to rush into anything. Thank you again

[mariposa81]

So after trying to sort through my thoughts over the last week, I wrote a letter to him last night. I HAVEN'T SENT IT, but I wanted to post it here first to get some feedback from you all.

 

I intend to send it via email (since I'm still not ready to meet face to face or talk over the phone) and it took quite a while to write it. I told my therapist that I didn't know what to say and she said that once I started writing, I'd know exactly what to say. She was right, but at the same time, there's so much more that's on my mind beyond what I've included so I basically told him in the letter that these are just some of my concerns/issues.

 

Here it is:

 

"I’ve been thinking a lot about your letter, about what was said, and processing all this has been very difficult for me. Actually a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Part of the reason is because when I ended things back in June, I had let go. I was emotionally drained and didn’t like the person I had become as a result of being in the relationship. I was tired of the selfishness, of feeling taken for granted and more often than not, like I wasn’t a priority. I was tired of feeling frustrated over the lack of intimacy, of feeling undesired, and of feeling like your past relationships sometimes hung a cloud over our relationship in that every so often, something would make you think of something that happened between you and Lauren or between you and Parisa, etc. I was tired of feeling the uncertainty associated with your being from LA and my being from NC; the occasional flakiness and inconsideration of my time and needs, arguing back and forth through emails which from your end, were sometimes rude, offensive and littered with curse words, the occasional vindictiveness—everything just felt so unstable and that there wasn’t much that I could be sure of.

 

You did do lots of good things in this relationship, things that made me happy and things that kept me motivated to keep trying to make it work. I don’t deny that. But at the same time, I feel that bringing me around your family and friends and wanting the best for me like you mentioned in your letter is to be expected from someone when you’re with them for as long as we were together. I would have liked to involve you more in my life in that sense, but I often felt like you were too preoccupied with feeling uncomfortable/being judgmental when none of that should have even been a factor between two people who are supposed to be in love.

 

I felt hurt and pain too often and there were specific isolated incidents that completely broke my spirit—love is certainly not supposed to feel like that.

 

In light of all this, I responded to your letter because there was something about it that struck me as different. The crazy part is that it was as if you had taken the time to address all the things that I had written in a letter to you after we broke up…a letter that you’ve never seen because I never sent it, but I had written it in response to the email you wrote in June to get things off my chest. But in retrospect, I hope you can understand why thinking about everything in your letter has been so hard. In feeling so skeptical and wary of the motivation behind your letter, I want to address some of the things that concern me.

 

Like your letter said, in part, I feel like I’ve heard all this before with your having promised to change in the past. How can I be sure that this time it’s for real? Real change takes time (although I do know sometimes significant life changing events can speed up the change). I think it’s often necessary to become better as individuals in order to become amazing as potential partners. You’ve mentioned in the last couple of months that you miss me, how do I know that’s not solely the reason?

 

Did you talk with your therapist about the past problems with intimacy? That was a very significant issue in the past, one that I never really understood. How have you resolved this or are you still working towards resolving it?

 

How do I know that your selfishness and constant need to feel catered to have changed in any way? How can I be sure that you’ve made a permanent commitment to being different this time?

 

I feel good about my growth as a person over these last couple of months and I don’t want to regress in any way or slip back into old patterns. If and/or when I’m going to be in a relationship again, I want to feel loved, special, protected, and confident that the one I’m with has given 100% of their heart in the same way that I have. I know I deserve no less. No relationship is easy and it’s important that both partners pull their weight.

 

In order for me to figure things out and know where to go from here, I felt it necessary to voice some of my thoughts to you. I want and need to know more about the changes you’ve made and the person you say you’ve become. It’s important and comfortable for me to take things one small step at a time and although this may not seem like much, for me, it’s a start.

 

J**** "

 

What do you all think? Is there anything I should change regarding the tone of the letter or specific things I said? If so, what else should I include?

 

Thanks you guys.

 

~Mari

[DN]

I think there are things in there that are unnecessarily harsh and bitter - and demeaning.

e.g.

How do I know that your selfishness and constant need to feel catered to have changed in any way

[mariposa81]

I think there are things in there that are unnecessarily harsh and bitter - and demeaning.

e.g.

 

Thank you DN. I didn't mean to come accross that way. I guess that's the skepticism and doubt in me talking. Does it only sound demeaning when I start asking him about what concerns me? Or is it the entire thing? How do you think I could ask questions about what concerns me in a non-demeaning way?

 

Or should I just completely leave out the part about why I ended the relationship and how I was feeling entirely and just focus on the later part?

[amipushy]

OMG scrap that letter at once!!!

 

If I received that letter after everything I had done to put things right, to get a second chance, for you to trust and love me again I would wonder why the hell I bothered.

[amipushy]

Just meet him and talk to him.

[Hopelives]

OMG scrap that letter at once!!!

 

If I received that letter after everything I had done to put things right, to get a second chance, for you to trust and love me again I would wonder why the hell I bothered.

 

Totally agree.

 

Do NOT send that letter... it is not loving.

 

Think of any response to him in a dignified, respectful way as you write. I imagine if you take that tact, the letter will still get the concerns accross but in a much more loving, nurturing, "how do we work this out" sort of way.

[mariposa81]

Thanks for the replies so far.

 

Okay. I'll trash this letter, lol.

 

Here is how I'm feeling and maybe you guys can help me come up with a way to put it on paper (..electronic paper that is).

 

First off, I'm not ready to rush into anything with him because quite honestly, I'm afraid. Part of me is afraid that he's only doing this because he misses me and doesn't understand the true impact of what he wrote and what it means. Part of me feels like I have heard similar things in the past...him professing his love for me and promising me that things will be different only to have the relationship fall short and us fall back in the same patterns again.

 

I hesitate to see him or talk to him over the phone because it's been so long and I don't know what that will be like for me. I don't know how sincere he is in what he's saying and I'm afraid that the changes will be short lived and I don't want to go through all that again, especially since I've worked so hard on myself with my therapist these last few months and have reclaimed my sense of self. I'm so much stronger and I'm afraid that if it's not real, I will have let him in when I shouldn't have.

 

But I'm curious to know if maybe I'm wrong. That maybe things have changed. I want to get to know this new person if he exists. I know that time will tell if the change is real, so if it was on my terms, I would want to ease into LC, eventually to phone conversations. Then maybe when that's comfortable, go to dinner or have coffee to talk face to face.

 

I'm just really scared of it all. Is that normal?

 

Any thoughts?