Hopelives

Broke it yesterday after 10 months. Told him thank you for everything. Asked him NOT to respond as I still cared for him. He did. It was cold and heartless. I should have stayed NC.

3 months since I last saw him and howled with fits of laughter. 2 months since it was formally over. I still miss him, but have never responded again... nor has he. There was a thread that said they always come back. I hate to say it, but not always... and our relationship was one of the grandest... began without drama, existed without drama, and ended with laughter, a few tears, and no drama... but there was love... I believe that. Hope

since I last wrote a response to his questions... NC since. It sucks. I wish he'd come back.

I miss him. I think it's been about 6 weeks since I last wrote him in response to his questions... Silence is dignified. Silence is respectful. But I really wish I'd hear from him that we need to work through this and he misses me too. /sigh

Day 35+?? NC. I do this for him, for me and for us. An obscure reference linking us caught me off guard yesterday, and I wondered if he ever misses me... I'm sure he does... just as sure as I know he's working on his relationship with his child (soon to be a senior in high school). This sucks, and yet, it was the right thing for all of us. I love him, I love me, and I love us. Hope is when you think you can, Faith is when you know you can. In Hope and in Faith... I stop the tears.

Aye. Sweetie, you know what he's going to do... it does not matter what you do... Continuing to stop NC is only hurting you. In his way, he's telling you what he needs... out of LOVE, give it to him... NC. /hugs

Been 4 weeks since his email response to my response to his question... NC. It sucks. I miss him... a lot.

Day 31ish - maybe 32... My birthday was on Sunday, ripe age of 44... It was great for the most part - spent it in Vegas where I could not possibly find time or silence to feel badly... it was the perfect place for me to go... And while I did not expect to get a phone call or an email... that "hope" was slightly sitting in the back of my head and yet I knew, if he had, it'd have been too soon; nothing in his life would be changed yet... At Cher that night, there was one song, where for about a minute, my eyes watered, my throat tightened and I thought how awful it was that I was there alone... Damn, I miss him - I hope he misses me too... Day 32 and counting...

I'm not holding onto the idea - yet I do hope. Same way I hope I win the Powerball or Lotto or rolling slot machines in Vegas You made the choice to end this with him... based on what-if scenarios... did you ever talk to him about it? or just decide that it wouldn't work... was it a mutual decision? Reason for asking... about 10 years ago an old bf - Mike - left me without explanation or discussion... got an email about this and that. He then met and married someone else. Last year wrote to me to tell me he wishes he would've talked to me before ending things with us... he is now getting divorced, says he wants to be with me post-divorce and yet, for me, it is over... I don't want to date and I don't want to be with him. He decided that our future together wouldn't work based on my son, my life goals, my dreams - which all changed in the past 10 years... but he never discussed with me whether they were "real" or assumed or just that - dreams... he just assumed that when my beliefs, my politics, my finances were discussed that it was rock solid when in reality, I'm ponder a lot verbally before really coming to a conclusion as to what I think... or what I want. sometimes compromising is ameliorating oneself to another's life - or accepting them as they are. Great relationships are hard to find ... sad when they are tossed aside for potential greener pastures... that don't exist.

Clarification: I did not go to link removed to peek, I went to check and see if he was on there... following a gut instinct... after he wrote me a "Hey, thanks for getting me my stuff back. How are you? How's the new S Corp?" I responded, and then... silence... which took me by surprise. I'd thought the email from him was a "toe dipping in the water - how much did I screw this up?" sort of thing. Anyway, after the silence for 3 days, I signed in on phony listing, searched his age, and wallah, he was first profile that popped up. After getting ill, I deleted my phony profile. I have 0 interest in dating ever again. I cannot explain the peace I have found knowing I found "him" and that he was perfect FOR me... geeky, nerdy, smart, charming, hilarious, gray haired, blue eyed, kind, gentle - everything you'd want in a family prac doc ... he was perfect for me... and I'm okay with knowing that... likewise, I'm okay knowing there will never be anyone else. That is not a "pity me" statement as many say in the throngs of hurt, it is an acknowledgement that no other man could mesh like he did - phony on his part or not, there is no other man... We did meet on millionairematch... it was my first foray into online dating, and my last. I had perused the link removed site and realized it was not for me. From my heart, I'm sooo incredibly sorry about the ALS... for those of us who have known and seen that disease, there is absolutely nothing worse. No cancer, no Parkinson's, no HIV is worse than ALS... I'm sooo sooo sorry. I'm sorry I can't bottle up my "peace" with all of this... Hope is the name of my golden retriever aptly named because she is a kids cancer therapy dog and was my hope when life was handing me grenades instead of grenadine I hope you have a better day - I hope you find peace. Same way, I still hope that he returns...

You ask me how I could just be happy, even though I missed him and loved him. You asked if I could bottle it and send it your way. A few things I might point out that struck me as I read your post. 1) I'm not online looking to date; not as a friend not as a bf, not as a potential... I'm not looking. I'm grieving the end of what was a fabulous experience and enjoying my life without him DESPITE the fact, I wish he were around to enjoy it with me. 2) Since I'm not back dating again, I'm also not put in the position of comparing/contrasting "him" to "new man" which is not fair to either of them. Likewise, I have no holes to fill with "new man" and no expectations that can be unmet as well. 3) I posted elsewhere that after 4 days, he was activated again on link removed and he was rightfully scorned and ridiculed as a player, at a minimum, undignified and unrespectful. I would not lower myself to playing the field so soon - as HE truly meant something to me, I'm taking time to grieve, miss him, and yet live my life. It seems that you are back at an on-line dating site hoping to fill a hole that was left with someone else, then comparing that someone else to your ex, then being disappointed when they 1) don't fit your expectations 2) don't respond. You say your life styles are so very different and yet yearn for what you had. I don't mean to minimize your pain and anguish, but really? Was it really "him" or just that you "had someone" and are just looking for another "someone" to fill your life. I LOVE my life. If you read my earlier post on this thread my life has, at times, thrown me hellish situations and yet, I'm still happy. THAT is what I wish I could bottle for people. That no man (or woman) should MAKE you happy - they should add to it. "Jim" did for me. I loved him and still do - whether he chooses to be in my life or not.

Well... life has taught me to be like this. At 18, I was bound for pre-med, taking biology, zoology, anatomy, chem, org chem, biochem, math, genetics, microbio, ... Had wanted to be a doc since I was 5... At 22, I buried a 6 month old son - born March 26, died Sept 26 of SIDS. At 27, I found out I was pregnant again - my son is now 16. At 38, I met a man I thought was the love of my life. He beat me, he beat my son, he emotionally barraged me until I thought I was an ugly POS (I'm a 6'1", thin leggy blond who models) with an MBA in finance. At 40, "that one" left my life in tatters... I was beyond devastated. Emotionally, physically, mentally battered, I was a mess. At 43, I met... "Pierre" - lol - just thinking about that makes me smile. He is a physician. A family practice doc, someone who treated me like a queen, right up until the day we broke up. We meshed - he is something I always wanted to be. He is successful, funny, loving, witty, smart, compassionate, passionate, ... There was NEVER a day where we fought, argued, disagreed, or did not laugh. Each day I spent with him - I loved and loved that day with him. Each day I talked with him, I laughed... and laughed hard. Each day he spent with his kids, I smiled and warmed thinking of how lucky they were to have time with their dad. Every day I hope when he choked up and said how hard this was and asked if there was someone else, he meant he hoped not. Every day when I think about what he wrote about having "loved every minute I spent with you", I hope he meant it. Every day, I do hope he comes back but reality says it's very possible he will not. Doctors have to make decisions that are life impacting on a minute-to-minute basis and they rarely change their course... I hope, this one time, he does. SOoooo, every day, I live my life. I smile, I laugh, I hope, I dream, I live, I have fun ... and I miss him. But at 44 (on Sunday), I'm too young to curl up and let anguish crumble me. HE would not want me that way and I don't want me that way either. Life taught me to be happy - no matter if someone is in my life, or not.

I don't exactly know how long it's been since I last answered his email - maybe 3.5 weeks? It doesn't matter... not really. While I would LOVE to hear Pierre's voice (that's a voice he does for a joke he tells) on the other end of my phone, or hear Kermit the Frog, or Ms Piggy; while I would still LOVE to hear him say, "Hey Babe..." and laugh at his jokes, fall over backward laughing at our antics, listen to his stories of the day, hit golf balls with him, or just veg... While I would love to get an email from him for my birthday telling me he misses me every day, and that none of this makes sense to him either... It doesn't matter. Until HE wants to hear me laugh, see my dimples beam, watch my eyes twinkle while HE tells me the jokes, and stories... it does not matter. I don't think of this as NC, I think of this as living my life. With all my heart I hope he changes direction, comes back for me, works things out with his kids, and so forth, living my life is for me - it is NOT moving on, it is living. Every day I wish I could text him the funny things that run through my mind because I know he'd laugh. Every day I miss him. HOWEVER, every day I'm still a happy person, still excited about life and all that it has to offer. Every day, I hope he comes back to share that with me. If not, I'm still living, I'm still happy... 23 or so...

WOOT! And while I miss him, my eyes water sometimes with the sadness, may I continue to live my life without him in my thoughts, life, and arms; gracefully and with dignity.

Nah, I don't need to check his profile... seeing it once, when I did not expect to find him out cruising, was enough to tell me his true character... it was such a shock... and I have more class than to stalk, chase, peruse, check-up-on, etc... ](*,) And I won't respond to him when he writes... not worth the effort in lifting my fingers...