No contact with ex for 2 1/2 months and yesterday I find a letter at my door...what should I do?

[arianah]

We have been corresponding through text message everyday and he calls about once a day to see how I'm doing. He invited me out last night, but I was not feeling well, put I want to stay with our slow pace.

 

I do want to wait to say anything, it's just that having him back in my life seems like a distraction when I talk to them because it's something significant that's occurring now that wasn't happening just a few short days before.

 

Did you end up telling your family? How are things working out with him?

[mariposa81]

Hi everyone,

 

Just thought I'd give you all an update.

 

I moved into my house September 9th. He was very helpful and would come over when I was at work waiting on appliance and furniture deliveries for me. We went out to dinner to celebrate my getting a new place and also to celebrate something that had happened with him as well. That was really the last outing that we went on with just the two of us.

 

It's been a little over a month that he's been back in my life and I'm feeling a little frustrated and heavy-hearted. We had both agreed that we were going to focus on getting to know one another again by going on dates, etc and he had said that he wanted to show me that he could be a better man to me.

 

In the letter he wrote me and left at my door, he mentioned that he understood my feelings when I felt like I wasn't a priority and said that if gave things another try he would want to take advantage of our quality time together:

 

"My point is that our relatinship was one that had a lot of potential. But just like any relationship, after the "honeymoon stage", a relationship takes work, and there were many times I didn't put in that work. That is were our problem lied. Not in the fact that we weren't compatible, but the fact that I didn't put in the effort. what I would do to take quality time with you now and take advantage of our early morning weekends and go and spend the day having a picnic on Jordan Lake or going and reading together on the grass at Duke Gardens, or going to farmers markets with you, picking out and planning a meal which we could truly make together, to go out at nights with you and dance even if it were just me and you, to take weekend trips to local places, to have you over earlier than 10pm to just watch a movie and sleep, to spend time with you at the pool, to work out together, to call your parents and make plans to take them out and treat them to dinner and begin to get to know them, to truly make an effort in spending quality time. Like i said in the beginning, our time may have passed, but I had to let you know how I feel and how much I do still care for you and what I would do different if we decided to give this another chance."

 

 

Lately, we've not being seeing eye to eye on one of the same issues we used to have when we were together before. I see him maybe once a week (which is fine at the pace we're going). He'll come over right before we go to sleep to watch a movie, only we fall asleep before watching it because he doesn't get here until about 9pm (he usually doesn't get home before 7pm).

 

On the weekends, I would like to spend time alone together on dates, etc, but when he invites me to do things, it's usually with about 6-15 other people to watch football, go out to a bar, etc. He did invite me this weekend to go to a city about 2 hours away to go to a theme park...but it was with his friend and his friend's girlfriend. That would have been okay, but I'm just not comfortable yet going away for weekend trips with other people. I don't feel like we've spent enough time one on one yet.

 

It's not that I don't ever want to hang out with his friends and get to know them. But it seems we don't do anything together besides the same things we used to do...go to one or the other's house on a weeknight, watch a movie (or TRY to watch a movie) then fall asleep.

 

When I told him that I wanted to spend more time alone, he says, "the weekends are the only time I have to go out." Basically, if I don't tag along with him when he invites me to do things with his friends, I don't see him at all. It makes me feel like it's a sacrifice to spend time with me because he'd rather be with his friends. He says he's confused and that he feels like he has to choose. I don't want him to feel like that, but I also feel like because our situation is a bit different than most, it needs a little TLC at this point.

 

We're supposed to get together sometime today to talk about things (I haven't seen him all weekend because we didn't go to the theme park and he's been with his friends all weekend). I feel like I shouldn't have to defend why I want to spend time alone with him; why I want to do fun and different things with him (like he mentioned in his letter).

 

Maybe my expectations are too high, but I guess it's because I really took his letter seriously.

 

What do you all think? Any advice? What should I say when I talk to him?

 

Thanks guys.

 

P.S. I did end up telling my mother. She's okay with it. Haven't told my sister and i don't think I will until things are further along.

[einsteins_girl]

Hi Mariposa!

 

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going like you'd hoped. I can understand your frustration, given what you've told us. I think you should bring his letter along when you talk to him. Tell him that when you read the letter initially, you took it very seriously, but you were admittedly concerned about how much of it would hold true. Tell him that, now that some time has passed, you are starting to become concerned that your relationship is falling into the same traps - and that he isn't demonstrating what he indicated in the letter.

 

Be honest with him. Completely honest. It's hard for people to change - it's a gradual process - and he might just need a reminder of how he felt when you weren't together and he wanted you back. Or maybe he just isn't capable of doing what he said.

 

Either way, it's fair to you to bring up the letter and tell him you're finding yourself disappointed with how things are going. Tell him you're willing to continue to try, but you're worried the effort will be wasted if he doesn't try as well - like he suggested he would in his letter.

 

How frustrating.

 

Izzy

[diamond78]

I advise you to offer up a solution to the problem. A very simple solution is to have you guys alternate weekends. Let's say this weekend you spend alone time together, and then the following weekend he can hang out with his friends and you as well, if you so choose to....It's all about compromise.

 

If he can't accept a reasonable solution like that, then I would start to think that he isn't taking the reconciliation process seriously and I would say as much to him.

 

Why bother going through all that he's done to re-establish contact with you if he's not going to make the effort to make it work??

 

Both parties involved should be willing to make small sacrifices in order to make this work...

[billabong89]

Hi Mariposa,

 

Izzy is right on the mark, you need to be honest with him. Bring up what he said in the letter and whats actually happening, if he really does want to be with you I am sure after you talk to him he will see that spending a Saturday with just you is the best thing in the world. I believe you've been apart for 2.5 months thats not too long and maybe he's still in the same rut as before. By sending that letter he obviously knows what he has to do to keep you and to be with you. Just remind him....I've been there and I wish my ex would have reminded me at times. Mariposa81 be honest with him, guys don;t deal well with subtle hints just tell him how you feel.

[mariposa81]

Thanks guys. He says he's just really confused about what I'm talking about although I've tried to explain it. I called him yesterday to see what he was doing that night and he was at our university's football game. It was loud and he couldn't hear so he texted me saying "sorry I didn't invite you. You said you weren't comfortable with hanging out with all my friends yet and i'm with like 20 people, so I didn't feel like it was okay to invite you. I'm really confused. It's like you don't want me hanging out with my friends. The weekends are the only time I have to go out. "

 

I'm really afraid that by bringing the letter with my discussion with him, he'll feel like I'm throwing it in his face and holding it over his head. But it's fair to refer back to it, right? I'm a firm believer in meaning what you say and saying what you mean. I didn't expect him to change overnight, but I think it's fair for me to have just a few expectations based on the fact that I took his letter as coming from an honest place.

[Batya33]

Are you sure there is no time at all during the week? Given what he wrote in the letter, I think he needs to back up his words with actions - if he wants a relationship with you, perhaps you can compromise and once a month you will do something with his friends, once every two months he can see his friends without you, and the rest of the time it's one on one time for the two of you since it's only on weekends.

 

Good luck Mariposa - I like the way you are standing firm.

[mariposa81]

Are you sure there is no time at all during the week? Given what he wrote in the letter, I think he needs to back up his words with actions - if he wants a relationship with you, perhaps you can compromise and once a month you will do something with his friends, once every two months he can see his friends without you, and the rest of the time it's one on one time for the two of you since it's only on weekends.

 

Good luck Mariposa - I like the way you are standing firm.

 

 

I'm sure there could be time during the week. I always believe that when you really want to do something, you'll make time to do it. Period. It just seems that when I do see him, it's pretty much ONLY during the week and we aren't really even awake long enough to spend the quality time that's needed right now.

 

I just really don't understand why he says that he thinks I don't want him to spend time with his friends when I've never once complained about him seeing them over me or anything like that.

 

First of all, he lives in the same apartment complex as all of the people he hangs out with. He works out with them and/or plays basketball with them almost everyday, goes over to one of their apartments almost every Wednesday night to play their ritual poker and is with them all day on Sundays grilling out and watching the NFL football games. He basically lives with these people and sees them on a very frequent basis and is going on a cruise with them at the end of October, so why should I have to argue my point in getting alone time? Is it really that much of a dilemma for him to give up time on the weekends to spend it with me? It's just really ridiculous when I think about it.

 

I don't think he'll go along with the compromise set forth by you Batya, because I don't think he'll be okay with seeing his friends that infrequently.

 

I think a good compromise based on our situation would be to maybe spend one day/night on the weekend doing something just the two of us and the other day/night could be spent with him seeing his friends and me seeing mine or on occasion, going out with him and his friends once I feel more comfortable.

[Batya33]

When I was in my early 20s I dated someone like him as far as him not wanting to miss out on hanging with the boys. When we got serious (after about 8 months or so of dating) that was the compromise we reached and it worked for us, which is why I suggested it. For the first almost 3-4 months of dating he never took me out on a weekend because of "the boys" - ugh! But, I just used the time to date others.

 

I now understand that he sees you during the week.... but.... maybe this is an old fashioned view but to me at least Saturday nights are couple nights when you're part of a couple and probably Friday nights too (of course some people work weekends, etc I'm just saying in general).

[nutbrownhare]

I really feel for you, Mariposa. In his letter, he stated very clearly what he thought he should be doing - it's not as if he's unaware. I can understand your reluctance to 'hold the letter over him', but HE actually held this out to you. His feeling 'confused' about what you're talking about really doesn't make sense in the light of that letter.

 

Way, way back, I was seeing a psychiatrist because of a range of emotional problems which gradually got better. Then, when my husband and I were having some difficulties, he joined me in my sessions. When we were both seeing the psychiatrist my husband was fine. When he stopped accompanying me, he reverted to his old ways. I related this to the psychiatrist and wondered if I should just leave him - the doctor responded that I should tell my husband that if he was committed to the relationship, then he should ****** well act like it, and if this didn't have any effect, to leave. I did, some months later.

 

My advice to you is that you offer what you consider to be an acceptable compromise; if this is unacceptable to him - then decide what you want to do with that. It may be dating other people on a casual basis whilst he spends every weekend with his friends, or it may be that there are activities you want to carry out with your friends. Or decide that you would rather live your life free from the constraints of an unrewarding relationship, and move on. You sound like much too nice a person to have to put up with this sort of stuff!

[mariposa81]

When I was in my early 20s I dated someone like him as far as him not wanting to miss out on hanging with the boys. When we got serious (after about 8 months or so of dating) that was the compromise we reached and it worked for us, which is why I suggested it. For the first almost 3-4 months of dating he never took me out on a weekend because of "the boys" - ugh! But, I just used the time to date others.

 

I now understand that he sees you during the week.... but.... maybe this is an old fashioned view but to me at least Saturday nights are couple nights when you're part of a couple and probably Friday nights too (of course some people work weekends, etc I'm just saying in general).

 

I don't even consider myself old fashioned and I still I agree with you, lol. I want to be able to look forward to spending the weekends (or at least one night out of the weekend) with him after a long work week without the inconvenience of having to end the night early because of work the next day...this is the problem with hanging out only during the week.

 

I really feel for you, Mariposa. In his letter, he stated very clearly what he thought he should be doing - it's not as if he's unaware. I can understand your reluctance to 'hold the letter over him', but HE actually held this out to you. His feeling 'confused' about what you're talking about really doesn't make sense in the light of that letter.

 

Way, way back, I was seeing a psychiatrist because of a range of emotional problems which gradually got better. Then, when my husband and I were having some difficulties, he joined me in my sessions. When we were both seeing the psychiatrist my husband was fine. When he stopped accompanying me, he reverted to his old ways. I related this to the psychiatrist and wondered if I should just leave him - the doctor responded that I should tell my husband that if he was committed to the relationship, then he should ****** well act like it, and if this didn't have any effect, to leave. I did, some months later.

 

My advice to you is that you offer what you consider to be an acceptable compromise; if this is unacceptable to him - then decide what you want to do with that. It may be dating other people on a casual basis whilst he spends every weekend with his friends, or it may be that there are activities you want to carry out with your friends. Or decide that you would rather live your life free from the constraints of an unrewarding relationship, and move on. You sound like much too nice a person to have to put up with this sort of stuff!

 

Thank you nutbrownhare. I would hate to think that I opened myself up to him again only to feel the same frustrations that I felt before. I will NOT do that again.

 

From what he has said when I tried to discuss this with him before with regards to my wanting to spend time alone with him, he said that he doesn't understand why if he invites me out with his friends, that's not considered quality time. I tried to explain that it's because it's like the friends are a distraction from our one-on-one time in that situation. That our attention is split between each other and the company in our presense. Is there another way for me to explain it so that he'll get it??

 

I feel like it shouldn't even have to be justified. I feel like it should just be understood, especially after the letter that HE wrote himself about taking advantage of quality time. There have been so many opportunities for spontaneity and time alone doing something different and fun, if only for a couple of hours.

 

I feel like I'm 100% committed to giving this my full attention and he's coming up a little short, still continuing to focus on his friends instead while trying to squeeze me in...friends that he's only known for 2 months (he met them in July when we were broken up).

[einsteins_girl]

I'm frustrated by his behavior too, LOL! If my ex gave me another chance, I would try really hard not to make the same mistakes, and I just can't fathom why your ex doesn't understand what he should be doing. He's squandering his chance with you... again.

 

That said, if I were back together with my ex, and I started to fall back into old habits, I'd want him to tell me, explicitly. I'd even want him to bring out the letter - if that's how I'd conveyed to him my intentions to do things differently. Because sometimes we don't see what we're doing. It sounds like you've done that though, and he's just not getting it.

 

I can't believe I'm so frustrated at someone I don't even know! LOL! Projection much?

[Sparkie]

Hi. Sorry this is frustrating you. You do sound like you are being more than reasonable.

 

I am in a similar position to your ex - big letters; trying to win her back, with face to face contact once a week. And I can tell you, I spend ages thinking about pseudo dates i can take her on, where we can go, seeing different things. Nothing spectacular, just thoughtful and fun. I don't want to see her with everyone else because I would feel weird, like I was being judged, especially by her friends. I see my friends in between times.

 

You have every right to show him the letter. It does take time to change, i wish my ex had reminded me of stuff when we were together. But she was subtle because she didn't want to upset me. What I needed was 'you were doing really well, but you have slipped backwards. I need you to try harder because i'm finding it difficult to believe that your changes will be permanent'.

 

For someone who has been given the green light to reconcile slowly, he doesn't seem to realize that its actually started yet. If he's serious, he fits his friends around you, not the other way round. Would he take a 'new' girl on a date with 20 of his mates? I don't think so. You have a right to expect more than you are currently getting.

[mariposa81]

I'm frustrated by his behavior too, LOL! If my ex gave me another chance, I would try really hard not to make the same mistakes, and I just can't fathom why your ex doesn't understand what he should be doing. He's squandering his chance with you... again.

 

That said, if I were back together with my ex, and I started to fall back into old habits, I'd want him to tell me, explicitly. I'd even want him to bring out the letter - if that's how I'd conveyed to him my intentions to do things differently. Because sometimes we don't see what we're doing. It sounds like you've done that though, and he's just not getting it.

 

I can't believe I'm so frustrated at someone I don't even know! LOL! Projection much?

 

 

LoL. That definitely makes two of us! At first, when he was being really accomodating and made extra efforts to make me feel special ("let me know if you need me to come sit at your house and wait for the delivery men. I'd be more than happy to be there for you with anything you need"....."let's go to dinner tonight and celebrate your new home and then maybe watch a movie"..etc). I can't believe this is occurring after just a month.

 

Hi. Sorry this is frustrating you. You do sound like you are being more than reasonable.

 

I am in a similar position to your ex - big letters; trying to win her back, with face to face contact once a week. And I can tell you, I spend ages thinking about pseudo dates i can take her on, where we can go, seeing different things. Nothing spectacular, just thoughtful and fun. I don't want to see her with everyone else because I would feel weird, like I was being judged, especially by her friends. I see my friends in between times.

 

You have every right to show him the letter. It does take time to change, i wish my ex had reminded me of stuff when we were together. But she was subtle because she didn't want to upset me. What I needed was 'you were doing really well, but you have slipped backwards. I need you to try harder because i'm finding it difficult to believe that your changes will be permanent'.

 

For someone who has been given the green light to reconcile slowly, he doesn't seem to realize that its actually started yet. If he's serious, he fits his friends around you, not the other way round. Would he take a 'new' girl on a date with 20 of his mates? I don't think so. You have a right to expect more than you are currently getting.

 

Very good point. As a matter of fact, when we first started dating, we were alone more often than not, going out on wonderful dinner dates, taking trips alone, you name it, we did it. Why should that be different now? Especially since we're in a special situation with reconciling and all.

 

When I explained to him that I want to do more things with him, he said, "well I invited you away for the weekend with Jaime and Ashley and you didn't want to go. When I invite you out with me and my friends, you don't want to go. I'm really confused and don't know what you want me to do." I feel like it can't possibly be that hard for him to understand. I guess that's why you're right. I need to be very explicit.

 

I did try going out with all his friends about 2 weeks ago, but I actually started feeling a little uncomfortable because he and I hadn't hardly been alone much and I was with all these people I didn't know. I can usually mix in any crowd, so my discomfort was how I knew I can't do it right now because we still need to spend time alone for now.

 

i agree that his friends should fit around me, not the other way around. I wish I could say it flat out, but I know that would probably be inappropriate, lol. I wish that he would think more about ways to spend time alone with me, making me feel special, like he said he would. But I have to admit that I haven't really asked him to do anything. I think in my head I've been trying to see if he would follow through with his letter and ask me on dates, etc. I feel like since his intention is to prove himself, he should be doing just that.

 

Should I have been arranging outings together instead of sort of waiting to see if he's going to follow through and do it?

[Sparkie]

It's fine for you to plan things too. But IMO, right now, thats his job. he's supposed to be wooing you back. I think he thinks he's already done that. Thats his confusion. You're back, so slot into his life.

 

Tell him bluntly. Before you get hurt again. He promised to be different. He's not. You need more. As far as any 'failing' on your part, maybe you should have demanded more. You shouldn't need to do that very often, but every now and then couples can get complacent. BUT, this is way to early for him to be getting complacent.

 

And if doesn't get it, don't argue. Just calmly tell him he had better go away and see if he can work it out. It's not that hard!!

[Batya33]

It's fine for you to plan things too. But IMO, right now, thats his job. he's supposed to be wooing you back. I think he thinks he's already done that. Thats his confusion. You're back, so slot into his life.

 

Tell him bluntly. Before you get hurt again. He promised to be different. He's not. You need more. As far as any 'failing' on your part, maybe you should have demanded more. You shouldn't need to do that very often, but every now and then couples can get complacent. BUT, this is way to early for him to be getting complacent.

 

And if doesn't get it, don't argue. Just calmly tell him he had better go away and see if he can work it out. It's not that hard!!

 

Could not agree more. Excellent advice.

[mariposa81]

Well, I'm off to meet him at the restaurant. He usually suggests he pick me up so it's weird he didn't even offer. He just said, "okay, meet you there." But I do live in a different place now that's further away so maybe that's why. Anyways, I'll let you all know how it goes.

 

~Mari

[mariposa81]

Dinner was great. He didn't mean anything by having me meet him there. It was actually good that we drove separately because I go an entirely different way home than he now that I've moved. And since we both have long days tomorrow, we both were able to get home quickly.

 

He listened very attentively to what I had to say. I was very direct. I basically told him that even though I know he can't change overnight, it's unrealistic for me not to have ANY expectations and that I feel really disheartened over the fact that I feel like we're already repeating the past with this issue. He said that he doesn't want me to feel that way and that he wishes I had told him when I had first began to feel that way because he doesn't want me to ever feel bad. He said that it's not an issue of having to choose because he loves spending time with me. He said he's felt that I've been so busy with my move that I haven't had much time to do anything. I told him that it doesn't have to be the entire weekend, that it could be only a couple of hours and that I feel that lately I've had to justify why I want time alone with him which, I told him, I shouldn't have to do. I told him that I wouldn't feel so reluctant to spend time with his friends if we were able to spend more time alone, working on us, because that way, we can give each other our undivided attention.

 

I told him that I've been disappointed in that area of the change (I referred to the letter... I had it with me) and that to be honest, I expected more. He said that he wants to make me happy, didn't realize how greatly it was affecting me and that he wants us to do different and fun things together more often.

 

So we've decided to spend time together at least one night on the weekends and have made plans to do something next weekend (either for the one night or for the entire weekend) just the two of us.

 

Time will tell, but the communication that we had over dinner is definitely different that it used to be when we were together in the past. He was very receptive, there was no arguing, we didn't interrupt one another and we actually HEARD what one another said...plus the food was fantastic. Overall, a good night.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll keep you posted as usual.

 

I don't know what I would do without you guys!!!

 

((HUGS TO ALL))

~Mari

[einsteins_girl]

Oh, Mari, that's great! I'm so glad it went well! I had a feeling he just didn't realize what he was doing and/or the effect it was having on you. (My therapist has helped me understand quite a bit that men's minds just work differently than women's - and we can't assume that they will always see what we see or understand what we understand.)

 

Anyway, your post makes me happy! Best of luck!

[Sparkie]

Nice one!

[aeschylus]

Reading your initial post made my heart jump. I thought you could have been talking about me (and if you hadn't ever said anything about los angeles the whole thing could have been about me).

 

I did the same thing as your. A long (I think 4 page) letter that I gave to her after 2 months with limited contact (we had financial stuff together). We had broken up after 4 years for many of the reasons you listed.

 

I think anyone that says you can't change in 2 months is wrong. Sometimes it takes the shock of something like this to trigger the introspection that you have either avoided or ignored in the past. I wouldn't say that you will find the finished product, but I would say that I know from myself that I see now exactly what I did wrong, and it was many of the things you described, and that being self-aware of that has helped me change a lot.

 

I know how much I still love her and I know now the things I did that pushed her away. If I'm still not perfect, and I'm sure I'm not, it is a huge start to begin to see yourself through that other person's eyes. For me it was all about the difference between trust and taking someone for granted. My trust for her blinded me to the fact that she thought I was taking her for granted. I, like your ex, thought all the things in that letter but didn't say them because I thought that it wasn't necessary. I know now that I should have.

 

I know that was long-winded but my point is that people can change in even short periods. The success or failure of your relationship though, will hinge on your ability to communicate and his ability to listen if things begin to veer more towards the "taking for granted" side as opposed to the loving trust side.

[spion_kop]

I think two months is enough to REALIZE how you contributed to the downfall of the relationship but it def takes longer than that to change the behavior. Basically it's a habit you have to break.

 

I had a similar problem with trust and taking for granted issue. I trusted her soo much that i took her for granted. This made me a fool while she was constantly seeing her co worker for lunch and so on. This taught me a valuable lesson where sure you can trust another person but it has to be at arm's length. Meaning that it's good to question once in a while you're partner's intention or behavior. This reaffirms your commitment to her and for her it gets her to realize that you arent taking her for granted.

[einsteins_girl]

Okay, I'm a dope... I was switching back & forth between reading your thread and someone else's with the intention of commenting, and I got my threads confused.

 

-chuckle-

 

I think I need more sleep. A lot more sleep. Sorry!!!

[mariposa81]

(Little confused) But you're right Izzy.. I do have a tendency to read waaaaay too much into what my partner is saying when I'm in a relationship. I think it's sort of a protection mechanism, so that I can brace myself for the worst if it turns out that way. That's something (among other things) that I'm working on in therapy.

 

We've decided that tomorrow night, we're going to cook dinner together and then he suggested that he and I go away this weekend...leave on Saturday morning and come back on Sunday. Friday, we're probably each going to do our own thing.

 

Hopefully we'll be able to maintain consistency with our time alone to eventually see in which direction this will eventually lead.

 

Thanks for all the input you guys!!!

 

[mariposa81]

Okay, I'm a dope... I was switching back & forth between reading your thread and someone else's with the intention of commenting, and I got my threads confused.

 

-chuckle-

 

I think I need more sleep. A lot more sleep. Sorry!!!

 

 

Ohhhhhhh!! Now it makes sense!! Haha. It's okay! I need more sleep too!!