No contact with ex for 2 1/2 months and yesterday I find a letter at my door...what should I do?

[gee]

Hi mariposa,

 

You're doing the best you can that's what matters the most! Maybe, this time apart will be good for the both of you. Hang in there and don't get so down. Take care of yourself ok!

 

gee

 

I don't know if you knew but mariposa=butterfly.

[mariposa81]

Hi mariposa,

 

You're doing the best you can that's what matters the most! Maybe, this time apart will be good for the both of you. Hang in there and don't get so down. Take care of yourself ok!

 

gee

 

I don't know if you knew but mariposa=butterfly.

 

 

Thank you Gee. I'm hoping this time apart will be good for both of us too but I can't help be sad about it. It'll be our only holiday apart while in a relationship with one another. I guess the fact that it was his choice is what makes it hurt a bit.

 

Btw..I chose that for my name here because I love butterflies and think they're beautiful

[mariposa81]

I'm still feeling pretty down today. I just can't stop feeling so completely rejected by him (not to mention you all know I've been feeling like that anyway). What's wrong with me? Why can't I stop feeling so bad about this? It bothers me so bad that he doesn't want me around during the holidays. Even though we've been having problems, I still want to be with him at the turn of the year. I understand the usefulness of time apart, but why doesn't he want me around on New Year's Eve (by then we will have not seen each other for about 3 weeks; he leaves tomorrow morning)?

 

I can't help but feel like he may love me as a person but that he's no longer IN love with me anymore. A couple of times the last 2 weeks or so, I've texted him or told him I loved him and he didn't say anything back. I didn't say anything about it, but I did notice it. I guess everything's just being amplified because of the problems we've been having. But I feel soooo crappy and unwanted.

 

I post here to keep from mentioning anything at all to him. I'm so mad at myself for letting this hurt me so bad.

[Batya33]

Mariposa, I think he's pulling away because he knows he is not up to giving you what you need or want (which is reasonable on your part). I am sorry you're sad - can you make other plans for NYE?

[mariposa81]

I've actually been trying to make other plans, but my friends have had a lot going on lately: one of my friends' mom's cancer has came back and she just found out yersterday her mom's got about 3 weeks left; another friend of mine suddenly got married to a guy she's been dating for only 6 months (she didn't tell any of us until afterwards) so she'll be with him on their honeymoon; a few of my other friends have planned trips away with their significant other for NYE, etc. So no luck as of right now.

 

I thought that may be why he didn't want me there either, but when i attempted to end things for good last Saturday, an hour after he left my house he was the one who suggested we move in together and seeing a therapist together in couples counseling. He's also called me everyday when he gets off work. It's like our normal routine hasn't changed (although he doesn't seem quite as loving). I'm just so confused about how he feels about me.

 

Should I say something regarding this holiday apart? Something along the lines of figuring out what he wants while away from me? Should we be in contact while he's gone or should there be NC (we haven't discussed any of this but I know he'll probably be calling)? Part of me just wants to not talk to him while he's away; maybe he'll actually miss me. Should I say anything regarding how I'm feeling? Or should I just leave it alone completely and tell him "Have a good safe trip. See you when you get back..." ? Apparently we're not doing Christmas gifts this year either. We haven't talked about it so I don't know whether to get him something or not. Should I ask about that at least?

 

Sometimes I feel like he did whatever it would take to get me back in his life so HE could be the one to hurt ME.

 

I'm just so sick about all this

[mariposa81]

So I decided to talk to him about it. Even if I shouldn't have, I've just been carrying such a heavy load in my heart, I had to get it off my chest.

 

He texted me to tell me he was at the airport and to call him when I got a break.

 

I called him and we talked about regular things at first (how late was he up packing, etc) and then I asked him if I could ask him a question--if he was still in love with me. I told him that I knew he still loved me as a person but it's different than being IN love. I told him that even though I've accepted it and it was okay, it did hurt me that he didn't want me around for New Year's which is one of the most memorable times of the year. I told him that if he wasn't sure how he felt about me that he would just let me go because it's not fair to keep someone in limbo and I can't be in a situation where I don't even know how he feels when I'm certain of my feelings for him.

 

He asked me why didn't I talk to him about it before he left instead of discussing it over the phone. I told him it was because I didn't want to burden him with it while he had so much packing and stuff to do with his research before he left. I didn't want to preoccupy him when he already had so much on his mind.

 

He told me that of course he loves me, that things are just weird right now. He said he didn't invite me for New Year's because he has 2 snowboarding trips planned: one from Dec 27-30 and the other from Jan 1-4. He said it wasn't because he didn't want me there. He only got to go on one snowboarding trip last year and none the year before. He said if he wasn't going snowboarding it would be a different story.

 

I apologized for not discussing it earlier. He told me that I can and should talk to him if something's bothering me. I told him that I don't know how he can be unsure about how he feels. Even though we're having problems, I'm certain of how I feel about him. I told him basically that this has been painful for me for a while. That I feel like I'm losing him and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

I told him that I was thinking that maybe we shouldn't be in communication while he's away so we can both put things in perspective.

 

He told me that he loved me and that he would call me later tonight when he got home to LA so we could talk things out.

 

I emailed my sister about it and she said that sometimes it's better not to ride the wagon until the "wheels fall off" but to get off the wagon before we lose respect for one another and things get any worse. She said that I'm sad and he's not, so why do that to myself?

 

Should I really just call it quits when i talk to him tonight?

 

Do you all think what I feel (that he doesn't care as much anymore, that he doesn't want to be with me, etc) is correct because of his actions? Or could he really still love me, but just be having a hard time figuring out how to deal with things too?

 

Is it possible that he could just be saying all of this stuff while not really meaning it to keep me around?

 

(should I start a new thread since this one has reached astronomical proportions that people prob don't want to read, lol)

 

**He just called to let me know he landed safely and that he would call later.**

 

I'm sorry guys for posting so much. My judgement is so messed up about all of this, I don't know if what I feel is true or not. I just don't know what to do.

 

Thanks for still reading...

Mari

[CatsMeeoow]

I think you are just continuing to work yourself up... you won't relax.

 

He just told you he loves you...

 

You keep pushing him and he's going to give you what you are fishing for... an "I'm done"... Because you are becoming unrelenting...

 

You are going through an awkward time of reconciling... it will take time and there is no magic wand to wave.

 

He told you how he felt. It seemed sincere.

 

Take a deep breath and enjoy your holiday knowing that he loves you... I would trade not having my guy this holiday if it meant having him for every holiday there after...

 

It just comes accross that you are constantly pushing him... and if you are not careful you will push him out of your life and you will be like me... wishing you hadn't done so because you'll realize your mistake after it is too late.

 

Be brave... RELAX!

[Batya33]

Question - is he prioritizing a snowboarding trip over seeing you for the holidays?

[foreverzero9]

What should I do? How should I handle this? I still love him, but I know Rome wasn't built in a day and it's impossible for someone to change completely after 2 1/2 months...right?

 

"I'm going to tell you the secret on how to change, ready? You just change. Don't think the way you did before, don't speak the way you did before, don't act the way you did before" - Larry Winget

 

It really is hard to say how much he has changed, it all boils down to how much willpower he's putting forth towards it. It sounds like quite a bit but that varies from person to person. If you still love him, i would give him a shot, if he tries anything, just take no * * * * from him and toss it aside. You're the one in power right now, you can always do that

[mariposa81]

Thanks CatsMeeoow. I guess I have it in my head that he doesn't really want to try anymore, especially after he almost ended it last Friday but then never clearly said beyond "I don't know" what he wanted to do about us. The next morning, I tried to "let him go" but he called and texted later as if it didn't happen suggesting we do couples therapy first week in January. Everything went back to "normal" the rest of this week...and around and around we go. I have it in my head that he doesn't really love me anymore, that he doesn't want me, and that he just doesn't want to tell me. I'm just so scared that I ruined everything a long time ago, that it's my fault and that I should have been more optimistic. I'm having a hard time convincing myself otherwise. But you're right. I should just relax.

 

Question - is he prioritizing a snowboarding trip over seeing you for the holidays?

 

 

I'm not sure when he planned both snowboarding trips but I think (not certain) they were both planned in the last couple of weeks. I think he's going with friends from graduate school on one and his brother and some other people on the other. He said that it's not that he doesn't want me there, he just knows it's really expensive to come out and it would only be for just a couple of days between his trips so he didn't think it was worth it for me to come so far for that short period of time.

 

There are lots of things that can be said though like, "he could do one trip without you and one trip with you..." etc etc. But believe it or not, the fact he's going snowboarding instead of spending time with me hasn't bothered me because he only goes home a couple of times a year. So for him to do something he really loves with family and friends doesn't bother me so much. He claimed that he would've wanted me to go, but the mountain is really tough and everyone who's going can snowboard really well and he didn't want me to have to stay behind.

 

But him prioritizing snowboarding over spending the holidays with me? I guess that's definitely one way of looking at it.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Wow, the dynamics of your relationship remind me so much of my last one. I have nothing really to add at this point. But wow.......

[mariposa81]

Wow, the dynamics of your relationship remind me so much of my last one. I have nothing really to add at this point. But wow.......

 

The thing that jumps out at me is when you said "last one". I just feel like this thing is spinning down the drain as we speak and that it's mostly my fault; that I caused him to maybe fall out of love with me. My judgement is so clouded right now and that I can't even see this for what it really may be...whatEVER that is. I've never gotten back with an ex, so this weird stage of possible reconciliation is TOTALLY new to me. Never felt these types of feelings before and this type of fear and vulnerability.

[CatsMeeoow]

If this guy is important to you AND if this relationship matters to you then you've got to relax... or all your pushing will indeed make him end it...

 

If you are constantly hounding him he is not going to want to spend time with you... he doesn't want the drama.

 

Change your attitude - be cheerful and don't have a heavy relationship discussion while he is away... why be the downer on his vacation?

 

Is it right he went and left you at home??? IDK - you two have only recently got back together but if he looks at his vacation and all he remembers is your nagging about the relationship he'll be miserable... and he'll want to cut you loose.

 

He's already left. The best you can do is be cheerful. Let him call... when he does be sure to ask him how things were on the slopes, etc.

 

If he feels happy and positive things from you... he'll want to call and talk more often... in fact he'll be the one to bring up that he misses you.. and he'll be the one more willing to talk about what it is your needing from this when he gets back.

 

You are pouring gasoline on a fire.

 

What's the rush - he's gone... let him enjoy his time... and you enjoy yours! If you are positive and upbeat when he gets back he's going to show you how much he loves you.

 

Good Luck

[mariposa81]

Okay. *big breath*

 

That was the approach I've been wanting to take: being positive. No one wants to talk to a sad, down, drag of a person.

 

So what should I do when he calls to talk later tonight? Should I tell him, to just enjoy himself, to call if he wants while there; that I just want him to enjoy his time while home in LA, not be worried about what's going on with us?

 

I think I need a little help with how my part of this conversation should go.

[GoldenHillGuy]

I couldn't have said it better. I mean, there were things in my last relationship that I did wrong. But insecurities on my ex's part were really a drag. Stop reading into things. Really. Stop. If it really is too much pain for you, then get out. But, just try to relax. And try to reassure him, yes I said that right, that you are fine while he's away. I mean, if he does really love you like he says he does, and you are wanting to work it out over the phone while he's with friends and family having, or trying to have a great time, he's gonna push you away. Trust me.

 

But, I'm not blaming you, so don't take it like that. I'm just sspeaking from my experience, which seems very close to yours.

 

Take care Mari

[homeagain]

i think that's kind of a dangerous thing for you to say to him, because from what you have said -- that isn't what you really want him to do. you SEEM to want him to profess his love for you and to act like he misses you and wishes you were more a part of his holidays.

 

i think you need to think about what will or could come out of this. if you think that making him aware of your feelings would cause him to respect them more, then yes, you need to lay things on the table. if you have already done that and he hasn't performed as you would have liked, then you're beating a dead horse by bringing this up again.

 

were you reassured by what he said to you earlier? do you believe that he loves you? could you be happy with the present level of commitment by him?

 

my thoughts are with you, mari! it's a tough convo to have.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Okay. *big breath*

 

That was the approach I've been wanting to take: being positive. No one wants to talk to a sad, down, drag of a person.

 

So what should I do when he calls to talk later tonight? Should I tell him, to just enjoy himself, to call if he wants while there; that I just want him to enjoy his time while home in LA, not be worried about what's going on with us?

 

I think I need a little help with how my part of this conversation should go.

 

Kind of let him know you'll be OK without him for 2 weeks. And that any and all relationship discussions should and will take place when he gets home. But for now you will trust that everything is going well, and you know that he does love you. But, if you need to hear from him every other day, or whatever, let him know that. But don't talk about the relationship. Ask about his snowboarding, his friends, family, what he's seeing, if he's seen any people he went to high school with, etc. Keep it fun. Don't be a drag.

 

Think-I'm the fun Mariposa81 he loves, be it, talk like it.

[GoldenHillGuy]

you want him to profess his love for you and to act like he misses you and wishes you were more a part of his holidays.

 

What is going to get solved over the phone? It's really gonna drag him down if she's wanting him everytime he calls to profess his undying love for her. He's not gonna want to call, he's not gonna want to come home, he's gonna be worried the whole vacation.

 

I think Mari's focus should be on trusting what he says at the moment. Then after he gets home, after a few days, have the talk.

[mariposa81]

Was I reassured by what he said earlier? I did feel a little better with regards to feeling more reassured by what he said earlier. Right before his plane took off when we got off the phone, he sent a text saying "Relax, learn, and enjoy your Continuing Education course (I had a course required by my job today instead of work). We'll talk it out later. Love you."

 

Do I believe he loves me? Sometimes I do, sometimes I'm not so sure.

 

As far as being happy with the present level of commitment? I feel that if we could get through this, I could be happy with his level of commitment because when you're happy with someone, it makes you want to be better, to do better. We've talked about it in the past and it's true for both him AND I.

 

It's a very tough convo. It makes me nervous just thinking about how to approach it. I have no expectations of the conversation which is why I'm so nervous about it. I just want him to say honestly what's on his mind regarding the whole thing. But at the same time, I want him to think good things and have a great time while he's away.

 

The fear and vulnerability I'm experiencing in this situation are definitely bringing out my insecurities and I don't like it one bit.

[mariposa81]

Kind of let him know you'll be OK without him for 2 weeks. And that any and all relationship discussions should and will take place when he gets home. But for now you will trust that everything is going well, and you know that he does love you. But, if you need to hear from him every other day, or whatever, let him know that. But don't talk about the relationship. Ask about his snowboarding, his friends, family, what he's seeing, if he's seen any people he went to high school with, etc. Keep it fun. Don't be a drag.

 

Think-I'm the fun Mariposa81 he loves, be it, talk like it.

 

It's not that I want him to profess his love for me constantly (in my state of mind, I would end up over-analyzing the sincerity of it anyway lol). If we did talk while he was away, we would just do what we always do which is talk about normal everyday stuff. Totally cool with me. It would be abnormal for our conversation to change into him having to say how much he loved me every time. I actually don't think it would bother me much if he didn't call everyday. We sort of have that understanding where either of us get really offended if the other doesn't call while we're out of town each and everyday...however he did get mad once when I didn't call for a couple of days in a row.

 

Anyway...

 

I actually was thinking the opposite...that maybe it would be better if we DIDN'T talk while he was away so we could really put some space between us to possibly miss each other and take a clear look at things. But then again, maybe such structure and putting a ban on communication isn't such a good idea either...??

 

 

Btw...thank you guys soooooooooooooo much for the responses tonight. It means a lot. I was losing it here.

[homeagain]

goldenhillguy, i'm not telling her to demand he profess his undying love, etc.... all i was saying was that if she wants him to reassure her more or wants him to act more involved while he is away, she should not tell him that all is well and that she is okay with not hearing from him during the holiday break because that would probably just cause her to resent him or doubt him even more.

[einsteins_girl]

Mariposa, that text he sent you before his plane took off was actually really sweet. It's caring and reassuring. I would just trust that he is being sincere when he tells you he loves you. I think he does love you. I think he's still in love with you. This early reconciliation stuff sucks... but I think he's trying. I think the advice you've been given tonight has been really good... I think being more upbeat when he calls is an excellent idea. You could even just tell him that you got overwhelmed, and it got more blown out of proportion than you expected, but you're feeling better, and you can talk about it when he gets back. I had to tell my bf something similar once to defuse a situation, and it helped reassure him too... to know that I wasn't flipping out. He was able to relax and have fun - and the issue worked itself out later.

[GoldenHillGuy]

But, if you need to hear from him every other day, or whatever, let him know that. But don't talk about the relationship. Ask about his snowboarding, his friends, family, what he's seeing, if he's seen any people he went to high school with, etc. Keep it fun. Don't be a drag.

 

I said that above. All I'm saying is, now is not going to be the best time to work this out. If you need to hear from him, then let him know. Just NOT about the whole relationship drama right now.

 

[GoldenHillGuy]

I think being more upbeat when he calls is an excellent idea. You could even just tell him that you got overwhelmed, and it got more blown out of proportion than you expected, but you're feeling better, and you can talk about it when he gets back. I had to tell my bf something similar once to defuse a situation, and it helped reassure him too... to know that I wasn't flipping out. He was able to relax and have fun - and the issue worked itself out later.

 

YES YES YES

[mariposa81]

Thanks Izzy3910. I thought it was sweet too. As well as his call to let me know he landed (he's actually only done that a couple of times in the past on his own). This early reconciliation stuff really DOES suck. I'm just in a really uncomfortable spot with all of this. It's scary, overwhelming, and has brought out so many insecurities; most I didn't even know I had. I think this time apart can be beneficial to both of us. I just want it to start out on the right foot.

 

I think that's the approach I'll take when he calls. Because to be honest, there's not a whole lot that can be done anyway with him on the other side of the country and me here. Plus even if he did come to a conclusion resulting in the demise of what we have, I don't want it to be during the holidays because it would suck for us both.

 

Should I just send him a message in a text (he might be bracing himself for a depressing conversation) or wait until he calls?