No contact with ex for 2 1/2 months and yesterday I find a letter at my door...what should I do?

[Batya33]

Wow what a difficult conversation. I think you handled it very well.

[einsteins_girl]

Mari, I hate reading how negative you are about all of this. It honestly seems like you squash any iota of optimism you might have about the situation before it has time to make you feel at all better. Sadly, I do think that the relationship will end unless you can find it in you to believe in the relationship and in him ... and in his love for you. If you can't believe in those things, he'll feel it, and he will make the choice you fear. But at this point, I'm more inclined to think it's going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy than that it's a foregone conclusion on his part.

[Batya33]

Mari, I hate reading how negative you are about all of this. It honestly seems like you squash any iota of optimism you might have about the situation before it has time to make you feel at all better. Sadly, I do think that the relationship will end unless you can find it in you to believe in the relationship and in him ... and in his love for you. If you can't believe in those things, he'll feel it, and he will make the choice you fear. But at this point, I'm more inclined to think it's going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy than that it's a foregone conclusion on his part.

 

He may very well have feelings of love for her but she needs (and I can totally relate to this) actions that show that love. If it were me his actions would fall far short of any reasonable behavior in a relationship.

[einsteins_girl]

I agree, Batya. I have said throughout Mari's thread that I think he needs to step it up A LOT... but I also think that, in order for the relationship to survive, Mari needs to try to be a little more positive about things. Lately, even when she hears something (granted, a small something) that indicates he is committed to being with her, she rejects it. I can say firsthand that the relationship is doomed by that negativity.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is... if no optimism or hope can be mustered at this point, it's time to call it quits because, without positivity, no relationship can survive - under the best or worst of circumstances.

[Batya33]

I agree, Batya. I have said throughout Mari's thread that I think he needs to step it up A LOT... but I also think that, in order for the relationship to survive, Mari needs to try to be a little more positive about things. Lately, even when she hears something (granted, a small something) that indicates he is committed to being with her, she rejects it. I can say firsthand that the relationship is doomed by that negativity.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is... if no optimism or hope can be mustered at this point, it's time to call it quits because, without positivity, no relationship can survive - under the best or worst of circumstances.

 

I don't see his words as relevant - my focus in this thread is on his actions and to me, those are not actions of a person who is committed to another person.

[mariposa81]

I agree, Batya. I have said throughout Mari's thread that I think he needs to step it up A LOT... but I also think that, in order for the relationship to survive, Mari needs to try to be a little more positive about things. Lately, even when she hears something (granted, a small something) that indicates he is committed to being with her, she rejects it. I can say firsthand that the relationship is doomed by that negativity.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is... if no optimism or hope can be mustered at this point, it's time to call it quits because, without positivity, no relationship can survive - under the best or worst of circumstances.

 

 

Thanks Batya for saying I handled it well. I really tried my best!

 

You're right Izzy about my being negative. I see that pattern in myself too. I want to be positive, I really really do. But for some reason, it's like if I expect the worst, maybe it won't hurt so much if it actually happens?? Plus it's such a HUGE decision, him having to decide to live here for an additional 2 years plus and if it weren't for me and us, he wouldn't even be considering living here. So basically, it's like he has to decide if it's worth giving up living back home in California for a potential future with me. With our problems lately, it's hard to think that he'll decide to stay.

 

Plus like Batya said, he hasn't really shown me he's dedicated enough to choose to stay here in this state. This is another reason I think he'll leave.

 

Regardless of all this, you're exactly right. I know thinking negatively is getting me NO WHERE FAST.

 

Any tips on how to convert my thinking from pessimism to one that is more optimistic?? Or should I just keep busy and do what i'm doing so that I can try not to think about it at all and just wait and see?

[einsteins_girl]

Sadly, I'm a pessimistic sort of person by nature. I've been nicknamed Eeyore and Charlie Brown by various people in my life. But recently, I've tried to turn that around when viewing my relationship, and it's amazing what a difference it makes... but it's a lot of work.

 

If I start to worry or feel negative, I focus on the positive things that my bf has done. Or if my thoughts start to veer towards crazy, I stop myself and tell myself 1) why those thoughts probably aren't accurate, and 2) that they aren't helping me one bit. And then I busy myself with something else.

 

I know it's hard to be positive in your situation right now. Really, really hard. But there are positive things to be seen: his sweet text a few days ago, and the fact that he is torn between CA and NC, I think, shows that he cares for you a great deal.

 

You did a great job during that call; Batya's right. But I wish I could help you feel the happiness and positivity that you're working so hard to show him when you talk to him.

[Batya33]

I see this as being realistic as opposed to "negative". Realistically, his behavior (over and over again) is that of a person who is not interested in being in the type of committed relationship the OP wants. I think it is a waste of time for her to focus on the scraps of sweet words, a belated phone call, etc when his actions are overwhelmingly inconsistent with a desire to be in a committed relationship. Obviously there are times we all have to break out of negative thought patterns or tapes in our head but in this situation I don't think she should second guess what she wants out of a relationship by calling her analysis "negative".

[einsteins_girl]

Batya, it's clear that you and I are not communicating well in this thread. I think Mari knows what I'm trying to say, and it is not that she should second guess what she wants in her relationship. I'm simply saying that IF she wants to keep trying, it would help to try to focus on the positive a little bit. But, as you so succinctly stated, her efforts are likely wasted, in which case, she should end the relationship. I just don't think that IF she wants to keep trying, being pessimistic and down is going to help the situation. But, again, that's just my opinion, and now I'm just going to agree to disagree.

[Batya33]

Batya, it's clear that you and I are not communicating well in this thread. I think Mari knows what I'm trying to say, and it is not that she should second guess what she wants in her relationship. I'm simply saying that IF she wants to keep trying, it would help to try to focus on the positive a little bit. But, as you so succinctly stated, her efforts are likely wasted, in which case, she should end the relationship. I just don't think that IF she wants to keep trying, being pessimistic and down is going to help the situation. But, again, that's just my opinion, and now I'm just going to agree to disagree.

 

Yes, we just disagree on what you consider "pessimistic" -- which I consider reasonable and realistic. I haven't seen any indication that she wants to keep trying and I agree with her that continuing to try is a waste of time and is not the result of pessimism.

[mariposa81]

I think you both have some great points. Izzy in saying that I need to be a bit more positive so that I won't turn around possibly positive things into negative ones thus making myself even more miserable. And Batya in saying that I shouldn't change my expectations of what I want in a relationship and that there's no point in continuing to try if he's not capable of giving me what I need from the relationship; that if in fact he doesn't REALLY have the desire to try, it can't work regardless.

 

My situation with him has taken on several different issues.

 

The first thing is: Does he desire to be in a committed relationship with me the way I do him?

 

Secondly: IS he willing to put forth the effort it takes to have a successful relationship?

 

And thirdly: Is the potential for a future with me worth him sacrificing his possible desire to go home to Los Angeles to stay here in North Carolina until we are both ready to move to California in two to four years?

 

To be blatently honest, my gut tells me that he enjoys being with me, he really cares for me, but I'm not sure that he's motivated enough to give to this relationship what it takes; that BECAUSE he's limited in that capacity, he doesn't really think it's realistic to stay.

 

Then I wonder...is it possible that maybe he's holding back on putting forth the effort BECAUSE he's so confused as to what he wants to do and doesn't want to get my hopes up in CASE he decides to end things and move back home?

[GoldenHillGuy]

In any case, at this point, you should leave him be. Let him think about it. As I'm sure he's doing. He may be acting distant because he's trying to figure out if he will move to LA, or stay.

 

Give him space and let him think it out. And you have plenty to think about right now also!

 

You did great in that last phone convo. It was perfect.

[Batya33]

The first thing is: Does he desire to be in a committed relationship with me the way I do him?

 

Rather than focus on "desire" which is what he confirmed in the letter, focus on his actions that reflect his desire, or do not.

 

Secondly: IS he willing to put forth the effort it takes to have a successful relationship?

 

Do you mean "a successful relationship with you?" because that is a very general question and I think you made it so general because you are afraid of standing up and saying - even to yourself- what you need specifically for a successful relationship. I think you need to get over that fear.

 

And thirdly: Is the potential for a future with me worth him sacrificing his possible desire to go home to Los Angeles to stay here in North Carolina until we are both ready to move to California in two to four years?

 

We all have to make those choices at one time or another -- he needs to balance that and perhaps the answer for him is not unless the two of you were engaged. But, that question is irrelevant unless you two are reasonably compatible in what you want out of a relationship and compatible in how you treat the other - in actions - to show what you want out of a relationship.

 

 

To be blatently honest, my gut tells me that he enjoys being with me, he really cares for me, but I'm not sure that he's motivated enough to give to this relationship what it takes; that BECAUSE he's limited in that capacity, he doesn't really think it's realistic to stay.

 

I find this circular in the sense that what's the point of him really caring for you if that caring doesn't translate into actions that are consistent with wanting to be in a relationship with you? Do you think he is "limited in that capacity" in the passive sense or has he chosen to behave this way? That is what you have to get clear about because if you think it is out of his control then you accept that he is not available for a relationship, if you think that he can control what he does or does not do as far as acting in a committed way, then you know he can make a different choice and knowing that will affect your decision as to whether to stay (in either event, whether it is out of his control or otherwise, if the reality is that you two are not compatible in your needs it might not matter - but if you want to work on this relationship it's crucial that you know whether he is in control or otherwise).

 

I personally think it's hogwash that he is "limited in that capacity' in the passive sense - this is a person who makes clear choices about what to do with his time - just read the posts in this thread about his choices with respect to his friends. Your passive statements about relationships in general, as opposed to what you want, and about his "limited capacity" makes me wonder whether you are ready to make specific statements about what you want and to look at the choices he has made. I am not criticizing you for not being ready - it's not easy, I know.

 

Then I wonder...is it possible that maybe he's holding back on putting forth the effort BECAUSE he's so confused as to what he wants to do and doesn't want to get my hopes up in CASE he decides to end things and move back home?

 

If he is confused then that is his issue, he needs to get clear on that on his own and let you know when he has made a decision. And if he does care about you, he will let you know very clearly that he is confused, that he needs time to clear things up for himself and that hopefully you will still be interested and available when he makes that decision.

 

I like the Sex and the City - last two episodes of the last season, when Carrie realizes that her famous artist boyfriend can't give her what she needs -- I recommend you watch those last few episodes so you can see an example of a man who says the right things, is very romantic, but when push comes to shove his actions are not consistent with his words - and Carrie needs actions not words.

[FreedomRing]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I very much agree with Batya's points above. I also believe there are some fears that you need to confront head on, instead of dancing around and rationalizing with confusing logic, which air more on the side of "excuses" for why he is choosing not to give you what you have made clear numerous times.

[mariposa81]

When we first began communicating this time around, we had agreed that him living here was contigent upon whether or not our relationship was going well. We had already decided that we could see a future with each other.

 

There was a point when I faced the fact that he wasn't giving me what I needed. We had a very explicit conversation where we went over each other's lists about our "wants, diswants, and needs" in a relationship. We came to a lot of conclusions in that conversation (I think I posted about it).

 

But somehow, it's turned into something else; into other issues. The issue of whether he still loves me or not and now, him staying or leaving. I think he does have control over having the capacity to give me what I need because you're right, he has made past decisions to spend time with his friends and is not so eager to have quality time with me.

 

I can't help but take it personal that he's not motivated to put forth the effort to meet my needs in this relationship, when he claims to love me so much. I know he will do it later on in the future with someone else, why not with me?

 

So do I need to stop putting the ball in his court and waiting for what he decides, and go ahead and make the decision to end things strictly on the basis that he's not meeting my needs in the relationship, whatever that reason may be?

 

I feel like he's not going to decide to stay and I'm just sitting, waiting for him to break my heart.

[CatsMeeoow]

I also feel that you are searching for negatives...

 

I think there is feeling there from him but you are smothering it by being so pushy with him rather than letting things take a natural course. IE - feeling good in the moment.

 

But I'm starting to think that you would not be happy with him regardless.

 

I think if you end it... with some time you'll come to see how your actions played a direct role in him withdrawing the way that he did. You are not a princess and the world does not revolve around you... (don't laugh - it takes one to know one and I behaved the very same way with the guy I was with!!!!!)

 

The guy I was with behaved a lot like yours. He cared and was completely interested but his idea and my idea were different of how to present that were different. One a step back he wasn't doing down to the wire of what exactly I wanted him to do but he was doing things in his way... and starting to adjust his style for mine. I should have been meeting him more half way too... adjusting mine to fit him a bit. Because the bottom line is that he is a great guy and I sat around acting like a princess and he got freaking tired!

 

I'm just saying that if you would take this time apart to really think things through... why rush and end it over the phone??? Use this space apart to see where maybe you aren't meeting his needs perhaps.

 

Good luck in your decision.

[mariposa81]

That's the thing CatsMeeoow. I KNOW I'm not a princess and the world doesn't revolve around me. Batya and some of the others are trying to get me to see that maybe I need to evaluate the fact that he's not meeting my needs because I'm feeling right now (and have been feeling for a WHILE now) that most of this is my fault (in the last few previous posts that's one of the sources of my negativity; not that I'm looking at negative things to pick out on him to blame him for anything; but I've been negative because I feel like maybe he's not in love with me anymore and that all this is not going to work because I haven't felt from him that he wants to keep trying which has made me really sad). That I need to stop being so pushy which is WHY I tried to show the best parts of my self on the phone and not make him feel guilty for not calling or act mad about it; to just enjoy talking to him and be positive and upbeat.

 

Plus it's hard to enjoy the moment when there's not really a whole lot to enjoy right now seeing as how essentially, it's like the future of our relationship lies in whether he goes or stays and I'm not sure that he will. It's just a really tough spot for me right now when I love him so much. That's why I've decided to try and sort of emotionally disengage myself from what's going on and focus on me so I don't hit bottom the way I did a few days ago with the stress and sadness I feel about it all.

 

I've discussed the possibility that maybe I wouldn't be happy with him regardless with my therapist, but I've only been focused on one issue and it's quality time with him. That's really been the sole issue, nothing else. It's not like I pick out something new all the time and can never be satisfied. She told me that in the general scheme of things, there's nothing wrong with having standards and that I shouldn't let go of them.

 

I've already seen how my actions have contributed to the way things are now. I'm not at all saying that it's all his fault and that I've done better than him, etc. I've been feeling bad because I feel like I'm to blame for a lot of this; that maybe I shouldn't have put so much pressure on him to live up to his letter.

 

I do however feel that I've met him halfway. I've gone out with his friends on several occasions, done things to try and make his life easier, and done many of the things we talked about when we discussed our needs and wants, etc.

 

I wasn't saying to end it on the phone while he was away. I was just asking from the opinions of others if I should do it when he returns based on what they asked me to consider in their posts.

[annie24]

whoa - i am coming into this thread late! you know mariposa, i've been following this story for a long time. i don't think this guy ever put your needs and the relationship first. EVER. his changes have been all short lived. and he is trying to find a job right now in CA? why doesn't he wait until you are ready to move also? that to me is selfish. but above all else, like the others said - if you are not happy, not content, not fulfilled - there's no reason to stay. if he isn't meeting your needs of what you want/need in a relationship, then goodbye!

 

hugs.

[mariposa81]

I hadn't talked to him since last Wednesday but last night at 3am my time, I received a text from him. Here's the conversation:

 

Him: I miss you.

Me: I miss you too.

 

Him: What r u doing up?

Me: I heard the phone since it was right beside me on my nightstand.

 

Him: I really love you.

Me: That's good to hear because i really love you too.

 

Him: Go to sleep and have a good night knowing that I have thought about you, my special girl every night I have been here. You own my heart.

Me: Ok. I love you so much. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

 

Him: Seriously. Never forget you own my heart. No matter what happens, I am utterly in love with you.

Me: What's going to happen to us?

 

Him: I dunno. It's gotten really complicated. I know that I love you though. And love prevails...right?

Me: I'd like to think so. But I do think knowing that, a decision has to be made either way. It's gotten even more complicated for you since you left?

 

Him: Somewhat.

Me: Why? Has something happened? (I thought maybe a family member got sick or something)

 

Him: No nothing in particular. We'll talk when I get back.

Me: Ok. Of course I have hopes for how we're going to resolve this, but if you want to end it, don't be afraid to tell me regardless of the holidays.

 

Him: A little drunk. So I'll be honest. You are the one I want to marry but I have some insecurities about us. Mainly about the sex we have, age differences, cultural differences, along with where we want to live. We really should talk things through because I really do love you with my whole heart. But sometimes, I don't know if it's too much to overcome.

 

Me: I thought we had came to a conclusion about location. I'd be willing to move just not quite yet due to my job etc. If you want to move back right away that's a different story. I also thought we'd gotten past the cultural issues...which is not an issue to me. Unless you marry a Persian girl (he's Persian), there will always be cultural differences. The sex issue can be worked on. With all our probs, that's why it's been hard psychologically. These are core things that I thought we resolved when we decided to give it another shot. At least I thought so. Especially since the age and cultural issues can't be changed.

 

Him: Like I said. Love prevails. Go to sleep. We will talk later.

Me: Okay. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

 

Him: I love you.

Me: I love you too.

 

Him: With 120% of my heart.

Me: Me too.

 

About 10 minutes later, my phone rang. It was him. He said he just wanted to hear my voice. I told him I was glad he called. He asked why and I told him that it's because I miss talking to him.

 

He says, "We really need to make this work babe." I said, "I know. I want it to." In sum, he told me that he was telling his mom that he's never had more of an emotional connection with anyone the way he has me in his entire life. That he's never thought about someone more than he thinks about me and that he doesn't see himself ever thinking about anymore more than he thinks about me. That he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever been with; that he loves me more than any one he's ever been with before. He said that he's just not ready to have kids right now. I said, "What? Who said anything about me wanting to have kids now? I'm sooooo not ready to have children!" He said, "yes you are babe." I said that I've never said that. That I won't be ready for kids until I'm about 33 or 34. I told him that I was definitely not in a rush to have children. I don't think he really realized that until then.

 

He said that he feels like the issues we have regarding sex are huge to him. That it's very important to him for us to have sexual chemistry but it seems like things are lacking in that area. I told him it was important to me too.

 

Background info on that: He told me about 2 months after we first became intimate 2 years ago that he didn't feel like sex was a big deal to me because I didn't have orgasms everytime. He said he didn't care to have sex with me that often because of that; that I'm the only girl who he's ever been with that didn't have multiple orgasms. I've really struggled with not feeling like I'm good enough sexually; like something is wrong with me. It really tore me down and made me feel self-conscious whenever we did have sex. I almost felt like I should have just faked it the whole time so it wouldn't have been such an issue.

 

His issue is that he feels insecure and self-conscious when it comes to being intimate with me in part because he thinks I'm so beautiful. He feels like he's not sexy when he's with me and that makes him feel bad. He said that it was like that with his ex-girlfriend whom he cared a great deal for, but he loves me so much more than her that it's no comparison. He said that with me, it's a huge issue. He said that when he's been intimate with other people (for example when we were broken up), he felt desired in a way that he doesn't when he's with me. He said maybe it's because he didn't care about these people and whether they orgasmed or not, but because he loves me so much, it's a big deal with me.

 

It hasn't always been that way, we have had phenomenal sex in the past but he said he doesn't know why it's like the sexual chemistry between us isn't there like it used to be. He said he didn't know what the solution was; whether it was to break up, see other people, see a psychologist. He didn't know.

 

So basically both of us have psychological barriers that are hard for us to get past which have created a problem between us sexually.

 

We talked about that for a while and then we got on the issue of him feeling bad when he hangs out with me. I told him that I don't blame him for not wanting to hang out when we're having problems because I'm not happy so it's not fun. That I never meant for him to feel unappreciated; that my only issue has been quality time and I never meant for him to feel like "there was always something" because that has always been my sole issue.

 

I told him that I understood his desire to hang out with his friends more now because he was so young (15 years old) when he was in college. When other people got to get that out of their system he didn't back when he was 18-21 years old. He told me that he felt like I didn't understand that it was only temporary; that it was ME who was going to be around for 25, 30 years; not them. That when he's done with his program, he won't be doing that anymore. I told him that I got it, that I understood it better since I've had time to think things out. But I just want us to enjoy each other and that I want us to be able to enjoy each other's company when we're together.

 

We decided to get off the phone because it was so late and I had to get up in just a couple of hours. He told me that he just knew he didn't want things to be like they were anymore between us. I told him that I didn't either. He told me how much he loved me before we got off and said we'd talk when he got back.

 

I got off the phone with him and tried to go to sleep. But I ended up calling him back about 15 minutes later and told him how much I loved him too and how much he means to me. I mentioned several things that I love about him and told him that I just wanted to let him know. He thanked me for telling him and after saying "I love you's" we hung up.

 

It was good to know how much he loves me. I don't know how things are going to turn out, but I was glad to be able to talk to him about all that we discussed. I was glad to know his concerns and also glad to open up to him about things that I've been thinking about. Weigh partially lifted.

[GoldenHillGuy]

HA! I knew it. I'm soooooooo glad you left him alone to think.

 

That being said, it's not an easy road ahead. But now you have the knowledge knowing his whole heart is into it. He just needed space to think.

 

Good luck Mari! And have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[mariposa81]

HA! I knew it. I'm soooooooo glad you left him alone to think.

 

That being said, it's not an easy road ahead. But now you have the knowledge knowing his whole heart is into it. He just needed space to think.

 

Good luck Mari! And have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too GoldenHillGuy!!!

 

LoL. And I'm soooooo glad I took your advice to just be patient and leave it alone. Thanks for all your wonderful advice I don't think he would have contacted me had I contacted him repeatedly and pushed it through texting or calling him. It's been really hard these last few days not talking to him, not knowing what he's been thinking, but it's so good to know that he has been thinking about me and us and that he loves me so much.

 

I'm still not sure if he's going to decide that he wants to work through our problems. I'm a little more encouraged because at least knowing how each other feels is a start.

 

I just don't know how to BEGIN even overcoming the issue of sexual chemistry, letting go of what's causing each of us to hold back so we can get that spark back between us.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Only time and communication......and lots of both.

 

But, at least you have the foundation of a solid relationship. Or are working towards that. Knowing how each other feels is very important and critical at this time. Just keep things open with him. If something bothers you, let him know, but in a loving and not 'ragging' or 'Btching' way.

[charity]

hi mariposa,

 

in relation to the sexual problems, i want you to know that you not having orgasms is very very common and not your fault. i am so skeptical that all his other past girlfriends had multiple orgasms. that would be a rarity i think. does he try to give you orgasms in different ways other then penetrive sex?

 

i have had 6 sexual partners in my life and i never had an orgasm with any of them unless i masturbated in front of them. first of all i used to fake, then i grew concerned that it was me doing something wrong. i loved sex and did enjoy it but i just never came.

anyway after partner number 4 who was very sexually experienced, and claimed too that hed never experienced this in any of his past girlfriends i was determined to get to the bottom of this situation and that was when i first ever masturbated and came. that in itself was a relief.... just to know what it felt like and that it could happen.

 

but i still cannot come through penetrive sex at all which really bothers me.i dont believe the reason is psychological. just some men think that sex is like a porn movie and all about intercourse as oppossed to touching a womens clit in the right way. and it takes time and patience. in my case i need a man who is willing to never give up trying, thats all i ask. and definatly dont make me feel bad about it!!!!

 

sorry if this post is too explicit!!

[mariposa81]

Hi Charity,

 

Not too much information at all. Thank you so much for sharing. I couldn't agree with you more about being skeptical about his other girlfriends and their orgasming everytime. I even suggested that maybe some of them were faking it a lot of the time (??) because it IS so uncommon for that to be the case.

 

I have had an orgasm from sex alone with him, but it's only happened about twice in 2+ years. I can orgasm in less than 5 minutes from masturbation (I've masturbated alone of course, but we've also used toys and I've masturbated in front of him) and very easily when he goes down on me for oral sex. But when we're engaged in sexual activity, regardless of the position, it's VERY VERY difficult for me to have an orgasm, mostly because of what's going through my head.

 

I think about how he's possibly waiting for me to orgasm and if I don't, the fact that he'll be disappointed. All this in turn, makes me feel like I'm on stage during sex, like I'm under a lot of pressure. It's really hard to let go when he's made me feel like it's all about the big "O". Also not to mention the fact that he's very large (8.5 inches) and my cervix is tilted. My gyno told me that I have a shortened vagina which makes certain positions uncomfortable. I feel bad not being able to maybe "do" all the things as well as his past girlfriends did who "orgasmed so easily everytime."

 

We did make improvements when we decided to be together again back in September, with him trying to figure out what pleases me etc. But I don't think he fully gets it. Not to mention the issues he has regarding sex with me and feeling insecure.

 

Since we haven't always had this problem, is this something that we can possibly fix? Or would it be impossible for us both to completely let go of what's going on in our heads that's holding us each back; that it's irreparable and the sexual chemistry is gone for good?

 

Btw...he called again tonight when I was on my way home from my friend's Christmas party. We talked about random things and he asked if I had to work tomorrow. I told him no and he asked if I had to work Friday. I told him no there as well.

 

He mentioned that he was anxious about all he has going on in his life: studying for his national exam, his thesis, his master's, US, etc. I told him that if it meant that he would have one less thing to worry about, it's okay if he needs to let this go. He said, "No. No, that's not it." We talked a little longer and he said he wanted to do some thinking before he got together with his cousin to go out tonight.

 

I was surprised but of course happy to hear from him and I showed him so.

[mariposa81]

Hi Charity,

 

Not too much information at all. Thank you so much for sharing. I couldn't agree with you more about being skeptical about his other girlfriends and their orgasming everytime. I even suggested that maybe some of them were faking it a lot of the time (??) because it IS so uncommon for that to be the case.

 

I have had an orgasm from sex alone with him, but it's only happened about twice in 2+ years. I can orgasm in less than 5 minutes from masturbation (I've masturbated alone of course, but we've also used toys and I've masturbated in front of him) and very easily when he goes down on me for oral sex. But when we're engaged in sexual activity, regardless of the position, it's VERY VERY difficult for me to have an orgasm, mostly because of what's going through my head.

 

I think about how he's possibly waiting for me to orgasm and if I don't, the fact that he'll be disappointed. All this in turn, makes me feel like I'm on stage during sex, like I'm under a lot of pressure. It's really hard to let go when he's made me feel like it's all about the big "O". Also not to mention the fact that he's very large (8.5 inches) and my cervix is tilted. My gyno told me that I have a shortened vagina which makes certain positions uncomfortable. I feel bad not being able to maybe "do" all the things as well as his past girlfriends did who "orgasmed so easily everytime."

 

We did make improvements when we decided to be together again back in September, with him trying to figure out what pleases me etc. But I don't think he fully gets it. Not to mention the issues he has regarding sex with me and feeling insecure.

 

Since we haven't always had this problem, is this something that we can possibly fix? Or would it be impossible for us both to completely let go of what's going on in our heads that's holding us each back; that it's irreparable and the sexual chemistry is gone for good?

 

Btw...he called again tonight when I was on my way home from my friend's Christmas party. We talked about random things and he asked if I had to work tomorrow. I told him no and he asked if I had to work Friday. I told him no there as well.

 

He mentioned that he was anxious about all he has going on in his life: studying for his national exam, his thesis, his master's, US, etc. I told him that if it meant that he would have one less thing to worry about, it's okay if he needs to let this go. He said, "No. No, that's not it." We talked a little longer and he said he wanted to do some thinking before he got together with his cousin to go out tonight.

 

I was surprised but of course happy to hear from him and I made sure to maintain the positivity and upbeat attitude I've had talking to him thus far.