No contact with ex for 2 1/2 months and yesterday I find a letter at my door...what should I do?

[Batya33]

He has said he doesn't want to let you go, but that's putting it in the negative. What does he want at this point with you? There are several alternatives - being exclusive, casually dating, being friends, casual friends, etc. Particularly given his letter from months ago, he should be able to articulate this directly and concisely. All the rest is just talk, chatter, and talking around the relevant issue.

[GoldenHillGuy]

He has said he doesn't want to let you go, but that's putting it in the negative. What does he want at this point with you? There are several alternatives - being exclusive, casually dating, being friends, casual friends, etc. Particularly given his letter from months ago, he should be able to articulate this directly and concisely. All the rest is just talk, chatter, and talking around the relevant issue.

 

Yes, but the point is she shouldn't be freaking out while he's gone. They will talk about it when he returns. If she had pressured him to talk about it over the phone while on vacation, I don't believe he would've had the clarity to think.

[mariposa81]

I totally see your point Batya. He still hasn't come to a definitive conclusion as to what's going to happen between us. He hasn't come out and said the words, "I want to still be with you and I want to try to make this work." But like GoldenHill guy said too, I don't want to force it while he's away because I don't know if that would create conflict. I guess I too still need time to think about things and am not sure that I'm ready to bring it up to him and tell him that he needs to tell me what he wants just yet. For now, I want to continue to let him figure this all out until after the holiday.

 

Last night, he called again at about 3am my time. He could tell I was sleeping and he apologized for calling so late. I told him it was okay and that I was happy he called. He told me he had an epiphany. I said, "You did? About what?" He said that he finally understood what I meant about doing the little things. He said that he'd never been on the receiving end of someone who cancelled on him to spend time with their friends or to do other things when they just want to be with you. He said he's never experienced that before and even though the intent is never to cause pain by doing that, he said he understands how it's hurtful.

 

He said he was sorry for ever hurting me in that way. He told me I was an amazing girlfriend, an amazing person at the core. He talked about how I've always shown him love, always. He said, "Even now, I've called you in the middle of the night and you still make me feel loved, like you're happy to talk to me." He then told me that he really loved me.

 

He sounded like he was trying to hide it, but I could tell he had gotten emotional/choked up. I thanked him for telling me and told him that I loved him too. That I know what it's like to feel unwanted so I don't want anyone else I love to feel that way. I said that I just wanted him to want to be around me just as much. I told him that there were times when I was caught up on all the negative (because I was a lot of times) and I may not have made him feel like I wanted him around, but I was tired of all that stuff. That I've learned how important all my relationships are (with my family, friends, as well as him) and I don't want anyone to ever feel like I don't love them or want them in my life. He said he was glad that me talked and I told him that I was too.

 

After that conversation we made small talk about how he's probably not going snowboarding because he injured his ankle before he went home for the holidays and a few days ago, it had gotten worse and he couldn't walk on it. He's going to try to get his insurance card from his physician back here at home who kept it during his last appointment, so he can see a specialist out in California.

 

Now I'm glad that I didn't make plans to come and see him and that we didn't talk everyday when he first left. I think this time is necessary for us both and without it, I wouldn't have been able to focus on myself and see what other things are important in my life too (how much I love my family, sister, friends). Maybe him and I are making progress to coming to a conclusion about this thing. At least I hope so. Because there is no doubt that some big, possibly life-altering decisions are yet to be made.

[FreedomRing]

Mari,

 

I also agree with you, that a break was definitely in order to some degree for you both. But I do agree with Batya that at this point, all of this is just chatter. Not to take credit away from his recent words, but we already know that he is good with getting the "epiphanies" and realizing things when there is distance...we also already know, based on the letter and all the recent professing he has done, that he is able to capture his emotions well with words. We already know this...you, already know this. I don't think the issue was ever his lack of ability to "say the right things", but moreso, his inability to SHOW you via actions, and CONSISTENTLY, that he is committed to do more then just talk. And this is where the real issue still remains, imo.

[mariposa81]

Mari,

 

I also agree with you, that a break was definitely in order to some degree for you both. But I do agree with Batya that at this point, all of this is just chatter. Not to take credit away from his recent words, but we already know that he is good with getting the "epiphanies" and realizing things when there is distance...we also already know, based on the letter and all the recent professing he has done, that he is able to capture his emotions well with words. We already know this...you, already know this. I don't think the issue was ever his lack of ability to "say the right things", but moreso, his inability to SHOW you via actions, and CONSISTENTLY, that he is committed to do more then just talk. And this is where the real issue still remains, imo.

 

 

This is true. I didn't really think of it this way.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to address this issue?

[DN]

This is true. I didn't really think of it this way.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to address this issue?

Yes - talk to him about it. Tell him that you believe that he means what he says but are worried that things will change yet again - and ask him what he thinks he can do to reassure you that it won't. Put the ball in his court.

[charity]

i was skeptical last night when he called you and all the i love you's and i want this to work etc so i didnt say anything about that. however i do think something MAY have changed in him while he was away. all along he said he would change because he realized how important these thIngs are TO YOU. he didnt back this up with action right?he thought what he was doing was really no big deal. this time though (this epiphany) he realized that the way he treats you is a big deal, and it would actually hurt HIM too if someone he loved was cancelling on him and putting other people above him consistantly. thats good i think mariposa. i believe he'll think hard before doing it again.

 

of course, words mean nothing and lets just see what happens but you have a right to be hopeful. he saw things from your point of view without you forcing him to.

 

my advice with what to do is this, like DN said tell him you're really glad he feels this way and you know he truly believes that he means what he says but if things dont go that way ......what way does HE think you should deal with it?. say like'' ok but if you do bail om me again, how do you want me to deal with it, should i give you space and get mad myself or should i say it to you straight up-you're doing it now''. .... i dont know but it might work.

 

however mari right now i know you are optimistic and so is he. you two are all loved up. leave it like that for the holidays girl. no more big conversations. enjoy yourself and try try try not to obsess about it all too much. happy xmas

[mariposa81]

VERY interesting incite Charity! I never thought about taking that approach...asking HIM how HE thinks I should handle it if he were to do it again. And yes, he's never put himself in my position, seeing what it would be like if the shoe were on the other foot. He genuinely didn't feel like there was anything wrong with what he was doing before now; that I just "didn't want him hanging out with his friends." The fact that he figured it out totally on his own says that at least he's been thinking about things.

 

I'm definitely avoiding big conversations lol. These last couple have been initiated by him, but I'm going to do my best to keep them as light as possible. Thank you so much for the advice. Happy holidays to you too

[mariposa81]

So the last time I heard from him was Christmas Eve, Wednesday night, when he texted me from his sister-in-law's house where their families always go for Christmas dinner. He said, "Missing you here at Anna's house. Wish the best for you and your family. Send them my hello's. Love you."

 

I wrote him back that I missed him too, to also tell everyone I said hello and that I loved him with all my heart. He hasn't called or texted since so it's sorta like he fell off the face of the earth again.

 

I'm not stressing about it, which is good although it is a little disheartening. I'm just taking it all in stride. I guess my mind can't help but wonder why he just stopped calling and texting all of a sudden.

 

Since it's only another week before he returns, I'm also a little concerned about what he's going to decide, IF at all. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if he gets back, avoids the talk, and goes on as if there's no decision to be made. That he'll just take things where we left off and not even mention the fact that we need to decide whether or not we're going to stay together and him stay here in North Carolina or not. That he'll just decide in his mind, not even make me aware of things and then when he's almost done with his program, him tell me that he's moving only when I notice that he's packing up all his things. He's avoided and dodged conversations altogether once or twice in the past.

 

How should I handle it if he doesn't mention it when he returns? How much time should I give him to make a decision and tell me that we need to discuss things?

[Batya33]

If you knew he would never commit to you, how long would you stay with him. That's your answer.....

[loulee]

To mari..I have finally read this entire thread and its longer than my current novel..laughing...through out this read I have come to many conclusions and have changed them on several occasions the following ones have lasted the whole 31pages

your BF is incredibly selfish but is oblivious to this...thank god he is starting to realise this.

I wish at some point you had of given him a good dose of reverse psychology..by this I mean invite him over for dinner and a movie and fail to tell him last minute that 6 other GF's are coming over also..cancel plans with him because YOU received a better offer from friends even if you made it up...

I agree totally that you need to spend more quality time together alone..because you do..we all do to nurture a relationship and make it grow..

Your BF is a people pleaser...he cannot say no!

He has a dire need to seek others approval and to be personally liked

He will put you down a rung or two on the ladder and allow less significant things to always take priority over you..such as his plans with friends regularly.

I was thinking he is passive aggressive..very much passivity being the dominant role.

By this he displays his lack of emtional bonding with you because his greatest fear is actually losing you.

He cannot take personal criticism even tho you have delivered your concerns about his failings in a positive way...

he can ONLY see that he is trying, and does not take responsibility for his failings..

I also think he feels MORE confident with you while he has other friends present..it makes him feel better about himself regarding confidence and self worth..he avoids the possibility of opportunities to discuss serious issues with alone time..

he is not naturally self confident but gains his confidence when in groups and more so when drinking.....this is the time he feels at his best and his self worth and esteem are running high....

 

The sexual thing is narrow minded on his part it is perfectly normal not to orgasm in many many sexual positions...more often than not for a women particularly..yet he immediately makes this an insecurity problem because he feels he is failing in this area..and as you know its a tricky one to overcome but can be done when it is seen as normal from both parties...

He is a little immature and often lacks consideration..whereas you dont...he doesnt intentionally mean to be like this but should be made aware the instant he is...

He is slowly coming to grips with whats really important in his life YOU..he is finally starting to look a this relationship from both sides of the fence..

he has a beautiful way of expressing himself when he is in dire need to do so..You are lucky here..very...

I think your relationship over the last 3months has been too laden with serious conversations about "US" issues..it needs some more fun and less "talks"...its become a bit of a pressure in itself....so i suggest that you dont have any more talks for now but just have some serious fun...relax a little..you are already emotionally invested in this relationship..so is he..YOU need to really believe this and to date I dont believe you do because he has never made you feel like his number one priority...but you are..its his way that is so very different from yours...He will never think like you..but he LOVES like you so believe in him>>I mean really believe....stop giving him a reason to believe it will be okay to break up over work or moving probs..dont even go there with your thoughts!..start treating this relationship like it is for the long hurl and that all obstacles will be dealt with together as a team...because they can be....It will give both of you more faith in each other..Start proving that you want to be strong together not that you CAN be strong on your own..You have already proven this with your NC on last breakup...and admirably at that!! you do need to be a little more accepting of him the way he is..overall he sounds like a pretty good guy and with a very rational women like you by his side Im sure you two can really make this work....What is the worst that can happen..yes thats right you may break up...and in reality it wont be any easier on either of you emotionally if this should happen. So start treating this relationship with a totally FRESH approach..that you arent allowing that possibility to even enter into your train of thought....its a little gloomy right now, lighten it up....Stop leaving the exit door open .....The things he fails to do within this relationship are workable..ill admit he does need a little more training...you can do this....I can see a future for both of you, but you both need to be looking at this future together in every action.discussion and thought process...not leaving the availability of breaking up as option B..remove it and give it your all and see your bonding grow..

[mariposa81]

LouLee,

 

Haha..I had no idea this thread would become this long!

 

I am absolutely blown away by your post! All I could keep saying was "wow" over and over and over again! In your first paragraph, you described him to a TEE...about him being a people pleaser, not being able to say no, being selfish, that he naturally doesn't have self confidence and feels at his best in groups particularly when drinking, that he feels even MORE confident when I'm out with him in a group, him being immature with regard to our sexual intimacy issues....I would have thought you had known him for years personally!

 

I see your point in taking on a new outlook with my relationship with him. I really would like to take steps to taking on the new approach you suggested on the relationship, and I think I may be at a place now after not speaking with him much over the holidays, to be able to do it.

 

>>I mean really believe....stop giving him a reason to believe it will be okay to break up over work or moving probs..

>>start treating this relationship like it is for the long hurl and that all obstacles will be dealt with together as a team...

>>Stop leaving the exit door open .....The things he fails to do within this relationship are workable..ill admit he does need a little more training...you can do this....

>>you both need to be looking at this future together in every action.discussion and thought process...not leaving the availability of breaking up as option B..remove it and give it your all and see your bonding grow..

 

How do I go about doing these things without a "discussion" with him? Should I just start speaking more in terms of "we" such as "WE can get through this..." and leaving out the suggestion to end it?

 

He's going to be coming back from this holiday with a lot on his plate: his research for his master's, working on his thesis which has to be turned in April 1st (he hasn't even started), applying for jobs (he's already applied in his home state of California so apparently, he hasn't cancelled moving back there as a possibility), taking a national board exam and a state board exam....

 

He's going to be under a lot of stress which I know is all the more reason maybe NOT to have serious conversations...but he's been saying this whole time, "We'll talk about everything when I get back"..."we'll discuss it all when I get back"...I guess what I'm asking is...If I start taking the outlook you suggested, how do I get him to do the same without having a "talk"? I feel like he's still considering breaking up as an option. How do we get on the same page with this new outlook on the relationship? Or is it something he's going to have to just sense from me in order to see it this new way too?

[mariposa81]

I'm soooooo incredibly sad and am in tears right now.

 

He just called. We talked for a little while about his preparing for his national board exam. He moved it up to Dec 30th so he'll be driving down to San Diego to take the test from LA.

 

After some small talk, he said that he hadn't heard back from any jobs in LA. But there's a guy that his dad is really close friends with who is in his field in Los Angeles and is seriously considering opening up a practice with my bf as a partner in Sunset Beach outside of LA. My bf said it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and that he, his dad, and his brother would be meeting with this guy on January 4th to talk about details and also to find out how serious this guy is about it. He sounded really excited about it. He said that unless they started right away, the building wouldn't be ready for their practice until about a year from now. So maybe he'd just stay in North Carolina for a year until it was done and then move back to work in the practice with his guy.

 

I just sat there, numb. I wanted to be happy for him, but there was no mention of me anywhere in his plans. I tried to seem happy to the best of my ability, but I was only able to say a dry, "that sounds like a good opportunity." He said, "It does seem like you're very excited for me." I told him, "It's just a double edged sword. I feel glad that you have this opportunity, but...I think the other part goes without saying." I wasn't even able to verbalize the hurt I felt that it's like he hasn't thought about what's going to happen to us at all.

 

He said that he has just so much stuff to deal with when he gets back with his thesis, research and all. I told him that he can't just string this along. That I don't even know how he feels about us, what he wants to happen with us, and that there's no mention of me in his future plans at all. That it's like I'm not even a consideration. He said, "But I'd have to be in North Carolina until it was ready." I said that he'd be in North Carolina by default, not because he's chosen to and he would only be here for a year; that no matter where we were in our relationship at that point, he'd have to leave. He said, "But you didn't base buying your townhome on me. You didn't think of me when you made that decision." I told him that my townhome wasn't my forever home and he knew that. That it's not the same thing because HE was the one who advised me that I should buy a home now because the real estate market is best for buyers and that I should do it as an investment.

 

He said that it's different for me than it is him; that I told when we first met that I'd wanted to live in Southern California one day anyway. That it's a big thing for him to decide to stay in North Carolina for a while when our relationship isn't guaranteed because it's been so rocky. I told him that on my own, I've never decided that for sure; that we'd already talked about the fact that if he was willing to stay in North Carolina for a couple of more years, I'd be willing to move to LA permanently with him. That it was not like I was asking him to stay in North Carolina forever, but if things were good with us, just until I could get to a point where I could take the California licensing exam for my career, find another job out there, and sell or rent out my house. Since he's already lived in North Carolina for 3 years, it wouldn't be such a big transition for him to stay for a little longer until I could make preparations to leave.

 

I was in tears. I was really trying to be strong. I really was trying not to have this type of conversation with him. I told him that I'd even been trying to put the possibility of having to end it out of my mind, that we could work through this. I told him that I'd even purposely given him his space over the holidays so that he could clear his head and think about things and that I'd really felt like we maybe were making some ground after our last couple of conversatiosn. He told me that he's noticed, that he's been grateful for the space I've given him because it's given him a lot of time to get a lot of studying done. I told him that I've never really felt like I was a priority in the way that I've always wanted to feel, and I didn't feel like a factor in his job hunt either. I told him that it just really hurts to feel like I want this more than he does.

 

After a long pause, he said, "Can I make a proposition? You're not the first person that has said I need to not string things along. When I get back, just let me have about 4 weeks, the month of January, to take care of what I need to take care of without talking to each other...then after that month, at the end of january, we'll get together and maybe talk with a therapist." He told me I didn't have to decide now, but I could think about it if I needed to. He said that it's a huge decision that he has to make, but once he has some things under his belt and is under less stress, it would be better.

 

I told him that I'm dedicated to giving it one last huge shot, but I felt like I was the only one who felt this way because he hasn't even said where I stand with him. He said that's the thing, he does want to give it one last best shot, but that he wants to do it when he's got a grip on all this stress.

 

I took a deep breath and told him that okay. To take care of what he needs to take care of and at the end of January when he's in a less stressful state, to make an appointment with a therapist and call me to tell me when and where and I'll be there.

 

He told me he had to get back to studying. He told me he would call me on New Year's and then we said goodbye and hung up.

 

I'm really trying to be strong, I really am. I'm trying to get a hold on myself, but I can't stop crying. This just hurts so much. I feel like I'm at bottom again. He expects me to be thrilled about his mention of a job opportunity in LA, when it hurts so much that there's no mention of me in his future plans. It's like I have to go along with his plans and there's no compromise on what's going on with my career or life. Why doesn't he just end it?? Why won't he let me when I suggest that we call it quits??

 

I more like a burden than someone he wants to share his life with. I feel so bad inside. Is it really supposed to be this hard? Just like he feels like his job is a once in a lifetime opportunity, I just feel like THIS is our last shot, that this is our once in a lifetime chance. I want to just walk away so bad because I don't know if it's worth the pain. I just want to be with him and for him to want to be with me, but I don't feel like he wants it as much.

 

Please help someone...

 

Thanks for listening..~Mari

[einsteins_girl]

Oh, sweetie! -hugs-

 

I honestly don't know what advice to give you. Logically, if I were you, I'd just give up on this one. He says one thing and does another, and he just refuses to consider your feelings or needs when he's making these decisions.

 

But, speaking from the heart, I know that it's so hard to just give up and let go of someone you love. It's so much easier said than done.

 

I will say this though... it isn't necessarily the last chance. It may be, that's true. But only death can take away the possibility of being together someday. There are people who meet, fall in love, go their separate ways, and get back together many years later. So don't feel like this is the only chance because that will only make you depressed.

 

If you decide to stay, it won't get easier for a long while (if ever). If you decide to leave, it'll be hard too. But either way, this may be a new beginning for you - not an ending.

 

Ugh. I wish I had something more helpful to say. I'm so sorry he's done this again.

[mariposa81]

I just keep feeling rejection from him. I just want to love him, be happy with him and for him to want to be with me too, but I feel like as much as he keeps putting this off because he wants to "really give it some thought", at the core, he doesn't really want this. I've given him space over the holiday, haven't called him at all. He kept saying we would talk when he gets back, but now he's putting it off for another month? I feel like it's always gonna be something, some reason why he needs to put off making a decision about us.

 

Should I give him more time to figure things out? Or should I just cut my loses and walk away now? A small part of me wants to give him this time, a part that says there's still a little hope for us. But doesn't the fact he doesn't include or even think of me when he's making these career decisions speak for itself?

 

The bigger part of me is EXHAUSTED, doesn't want to do this anymore. Is soooooo disappointed that he hasn't come any further in his decision over the last 3 weeks than he was before he left. I feel like I've been patient and hopeful, for what....so he could speak with such excitement about a job opportunity in LA, expect me to be equally happy for him, when there was absolutely NO mention of me...so he could tell me once again "things are just so rocky between us"????

 

He told me on the phone that we were having the same conversation we've had over and over again and that we were just going in circles. I told him that I thought we had made a little progress with the realizations he'd made and that I felt like we were moving in a positive direction, but I guess I was wrong.

 

Things are no different in his mind than before he left. Why does he think that another month is really going to enable him to see things more clearly when he's going to be even busier when he gets back??

 

I feel almost broken. Like he builds me up to give me hope with his "epiphanies" regarding us and then tears me down with talk of a "great job opportunity" in LA. I know it's just the hurt talking, but I wish I had never even responded to his letter. He doesn't seem to have understood the ramifications of what he was saying...about how he would give up LA if it meant he could be with me, what he would do if we could be together if given one last chance, blah blah blah...maybe it was just the part of him that missed me that wrote that letter. I just don't understand how he's so indecisive about us. Why doesn't he just let me go?? I just want to call him back and tell him that I can no longer do this; that this is too painful and it's obvious that he doesn't really want to be with me or else he would be. That I feel like a burden instead of someone he wants to be with and I just need it to be over. I'm almost at the point where I don't care if it's over the phone or not. I honestly don't think it'll make a difference to him anyway. I just don't know if I have it in me to do this anymore.

[annie24]

i think loulee had some really insightful stuff to say. i think you just have to go with your gut - how much are you willing to put up with?

[charity]

oh girl. im sorry. i do feel your pain.

 

ok.....so..... i am always afraid to give advice on this forum in case its the wrong advice, but someone takes it anyway and then i've ruined their lives or something but here goes.....

 

mari... i would say goodbye to this guy.... unless you are addicted to pain!!! he's not a bad guy but you two are soooo different. you deserve better, you know that dont you?

i have been in your place and i am still recovering now... sometimes mari you say things and i hear myself. i have felt exactly what you feel.

 

one last final shot..... that is again you simply HOPING that he is gonna change. you know what? maybe he will, maybe he wont, but surely if he was gonna change he would have done it after the letter. yt here you are...

 

if you finish with him mari, i guarantee you , you are gonna feel 100 times worse then you feel now........ you will doubt your decision......... you will doubt yourself at times and you will blame yourself too. in fact , i love blaming myself as if i accept all the blame, then i have to do the changing, and thereforee theres a chance!!!! but thats just our minds way of trying to escape the hurt and create another chance.

 

is it meant to be this hard?..... NO.

also about what loulee said??? that was a great post and very true. also it is a great attitude to have in a relationship..... however i dont think its gonna happen with your bf mari. hes just not that type of guy. he checks for himself way way more then he checks for you.

 

well thats my 2 cents. be true to your personality mari, just like he is being true to his.

[mariposa81]

I feel like maybe it IS time to say goodbye. This has just become one long drawn out agonizing situation for me. My head is telling me yes, but my heart still wants to hold onto the possibility that maybe, just maybe, he loves me enough to put forth the effort. My head tells me that he's just too selfish to love me completely and totally, the way that I love him. That everything will always be on his terms, his job location..everything, without any regard to my feelings. That if I don't end it, he'll just string this along until one day he's moving away and I won't even see it coming. Then the other part of me says that maybe it's not about love, that maybe he does love me a lot, but I'm just not a priority. I just don't know how he can have talk of me being in his future if he doesn't even consider me in his future career plans when it really boils down to it.

 

I feel like I'm always waiting...waiting for him to show me he loves me...waiting for him to make me a priority...waiting for him to tell me whether or not he wants to be with me....waiting for him to come back so we can talk....and now waiting until the end of January before we get that chance to straighten things out. I spent a lot of time blaming myself and over the holidays and had decided that I was going to take a different approach and give it my all, but what's the point? His actions don't show that he wants to even really be with me. He tells me over and over again, "Things have just been so rocky between us..." I'm SOOOOOOO sick of hearing that!! He said it AGAIN today. We either do something about it or we don't. We either love each other enough to try or we don't. Sure we both needed time to clear our heads. I thought that's what we were doing, but I feel like he hasn't made any progress on how he feels or what he thinks and wants to do with us.

 

I'm about 2 seconds away from just calling him up and telling him that I can't go another minute, another second feeling the pain that I've been feeling in this situation. But I want to write all my thoughts down first so I don't just ramble on and on.

 

Thank goodness I have a headcold because my family sat down for dinner right after my phone conversation with him and my eyes kept watering and I kept wiping away tears over dinner. I put it off on "watery eyes."

 

*sigh* How in the world did we get here? How did he stop caring as much? When we were broken up, he couldn't go one month without texting me or calling me. Now after our 3 week holiday, he wants to put this off for yet another solid month.

 

This is KILLING me.

[annie24]

*sigh* How in the world did we get here? How did he stop caring as much? This hurts me so much

 

yeah - but it seems for a very long time you guys have had this problem - of him being kind of self-centered and not putting your needs first?

 

like the other poster said - maybe you two just aren't a match. maybe he can't give you what you need from a bf/husband? maybe he would be better off with a woman who is say - a housewife, and will go wherever he wants to go, whenever he wants to go, he'll say, 'we're going to california tomorrow' and she'll say, 'ok!'. and you need someome who takes your desires more into account? it's a cliche - like that song, but 'sometimes love just isn't enough.' ??

[mariposa81]

yeah - but it seems for a very long time you guys have had this problem - of him being kind of self-centered and not putting your needs first?

 

like the other poster said - maybe you two just aren't a match. maybe he can't give you what you need from a bf/husband? maybe he would be better off with a woman who is say - a housewife, and will go wherever he wants to go, whenever he wants to go, he'll say, 'we're going to california tomorrow' and she'll say, 'ok!'. and you need someome who takes your desires more into account? it's a cliche - like that song, but 'sometimes love just isn't enough.' ??

 

That's true. It has been a longstanding problem. I guess I just kept hoping that maybe it was only a phase. That maybe it would change and after he gets done with his program, things would change because he would be confronted with adult responsibilities so he wouldn't fel the need to do those things anymore and be that way anymore.

 

Wishful thinking I guess.

[mariposa81]

Would I be a total monster if I called him and ended it now?? Or should I just wait and if so, until when??

[charity]

well don't do anything over the phone. a long term relationship deserves more then that. also you are too emotional now and you will probably end up having huge regrets if finish things through a phone call. wait until you are a bit more clear headed before you make a decision.

 

by the way his going out with friends so much will not stop once he finishes college. there will ALWAYS be friends. the problem is that he prioritizes them. i had 2 children with my ex who is like your bf and within 2 weeks of my babys birth i was getting calls every other night'' im here with the guys''...... not sure what time ill be home''....... ''theres a two day festival on , id really love to go with the guys''. this was at a time when i really needed him and it just sent me over the edge. when i tried to talk rationally and calmly i was accussed of 'keeping him prisoner'.

the point is that he is the type of guy who really just loves to be around other people, loves to socialize and chooses that over you time and time again,. you are not cool with that and you never will be.

 

 

i think you should protect yourself now mari before it becomes even harder to walk away.

[gee]

Mari, sorry about your conversation. I'm not sure if I can say much, but ever since the letter nothing really has changed. You have been sad and crying a lot. This isn't how you imagined things after the letter, right? I would let him go. I'm not saying close the door on him, but let him go. He has way too many things on his mind and you are not on top of his list at the moment.

 

Now, you have to wait 4 more days until he contacts you (New Years). Then 1 month of NC! Requested by him, correct? This is tricky..you wait 1 month and I'm sure this will eat you alive! This is tough on YOU! While he's taking care of things you are waiting for him. Wow, I'm sorry hun, but I feel like if I went through this it would be torture. Things might work out things might not. Only time will tell.

 

Do what you think is best for you butterfly! Dig deep and figure out what's best for you. I hope you make the right decision...and stick to it!

 

Sorry, if I wasn't much help, but I can feel how hurt you are. *HUGS*

 

gee

[mariposa81]

I know it's not his fault, but aside from being hurt I'm also angry with him. I feel like he's stringing me along when he knows how much I love him and want to be with him. Why push the fact that he feels "love prevails" and he understands how choosing his friends over me everytime and flaking out on me was hurtful and apologizing to it from me if nothing has changed in his mind over these last 3 weeks...

 

He told me before we hung up that he'd call me on New Year's. I told him if we're going to go without talking then he didn't have to. He said he wanted to. The truth is, I don't even want to hear from him. This last conversation was such a blow to me, I don't want to talk to him. It was like someone punched me in the stomach..i thought we were making progress one way or the other (even if it meant us breaking up) only to find out we're in the EXACT place we were before he left...with him not knowing what he wants to to do. I just feel like this is so easy for him. That he's not sitting around thinking about me and feeling sad about our situation, wishing it could work. It's like when we were broken up, he wanted me back so badly and had come to the conclusion that I was so important to him and that he wanted me in his life for the long haul.

 

It's so unbearable. I had high hopes for us this time around; I felt like we'd both learned things and could get through the tough times. I don't feel like he has the same desire. My will to try is so miniscule right now because I feel like he doesn't really want to. I guess, I should just wait until the end of January when we agreed to finally talk after he works out a little of his stress to break things off?

[mariposa81]

Thank you Gee. Yes, he was the one who requested the 1 month of NC. I feel like it WILL be torture. I was able to get through these holidays comforted by the idea that he was working things out in his head just as much as I was. Our conversations confirmed this when he would tell me he missed me, that he's been thinking about me, and that he's had some epiphanies, etc. I'm so disappointed that in reality, he hasn't done much thinking at all and that we're right where we started. He even said that our conversation today was one we've had before and we keep going "around and around in circles." That really stung because I haven't felt like that at all.

 

I definitely feel like there's way too many things at the top of the list and I'm not one of them. I don't really feel like I've ever consistently been one of the things at the top of the list. I understand all he has going on, and I sympathize with him which is why I suggested that he just let this go and we end things for good. But, he never acts like he wants to. He just puts it off for a little longer. There've been some times my life was hectic and crazy too, but it didn't change how I felt about him, even though we may have been having problems.

 

I feel like so much of his loss of feelings for me and desire to be with me is my fault. The pain after this conversation caught me off guard. I feel so empty for some reason. I know leaving this situation is probably what's best for me, I just don't know how to go about doing it or IF I should do it before we agree to meet at the end of January. I left finding a relationship counselor and arranging a meeting with him/her up to him so if he's serious about it, he'll follow through, but I just don't know if it's even worth going another month without talking, my mind overwhelmed with so many fears and questions, yet desire to somehow make this work if it's even possible. This is definitely NOT the way I envisioned things would be after the letter