Sparkie Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Sorry to see you sad mari. I think you did the right thing, but I know that doesn't make it any easier. Just take the time to be sad, and let the dust settle for a bit. You do sound lovely and you'll meet the man you deserve one day. Link to comment
DN Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 well, you really tried. And in his own way he tried too but just couldn't do what was needed. He is likely to have a sad, lonely life until he can get his mind straight - and he has the added misfortune of having lost a good woman. It's sad but take heart - there will be someone for you who can give you what you deserve. Link to comment
mariposa81 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Thanks everyone. Yes, it is incredibly painful. It was more painful that I thought considering everything that's happened recently. I know it takes 2 for good and bad in a relationship, and I admit that I was far from perfect, but I can honestly say that I was a good girlfriend; that I put all I had into the relationship and into making him happy. Part of me is mad at myself for being in his life for this long and the other part is so furious with him for being wreckless with my feelings early on (because he was still hurt from his past relationship), for not making me a priority, for his being so selfish, and for making promises that he knew in his heart he couldn't keep. It makes me angry that he'll probably move back home to Los Angeles and after learning from our relationship, get involved with someone and not make all the mistakes he did with me. I know it doesn't matter and it's probably not likely anyway, but I can't help but think about the possibility. *sigh* Thanks for bearing with me...I'm just venting right now. Link to comment
diamond78 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I am very sad to read this because you are hurting even though you made the right decision for youself at this moment. Just remember that you went down this path before and you were living a happy life without him....I have no doubt that your inner strength will lead you to that happiness again and that one day this pain will eventually go away. He was foolish to let a great woman like yourself get away from him and I think he knows that....but in time it's going to really hit him hard once he fully realizes what he's lost. You sound like a fabulous woman and I know you'll find someone who is going to be willing to give you what you need in a relationship *Hugs* Link to comment
mariposa81 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 He just sent me a text telling me to read an email that he sent. I'm not going to respond, but I just wanted to share it with you all since you guys have been right there with me this whole time: It pains me to think that the reason we are not together is because I have not been able to consistently give you the attention and love that you truly deserve. This must have been very hard for you to constantly deal with. What hurts more, is how much I do want to do that for you and why I am not able to…I have tried to come up with so many reasons, and tonight I told you that its because I don’t necessarily feel that I am treated with your excitement to see me, that its because I don’t feel desired or wanted at times. But the truth is that I should not base how I treat you based on how you treat me. I love you with my heart and I should be able to show you that day in and day out…but I have fallen short on so many occasions. And truth be told, you are right, if I did those things for you and showed you that you are important and a priority to me, chances are that you would turn around and be excited to see me…but I let the first month we were together after breaking up affect me so much. You deserved more. I should have realized you needed more time to see that I am trying and that you are ready to accept my changes and that it would take some time for you to do that, especially after going through 2 years of falling short and being broken up for 4 months. I am just writing to tell you how sorry I am and how much it hurts me to think that this is the result that we have come to. I am sorry that you have gone through this kind of pain thus far. Every bit of me wants to tell you that I can change and give you what you need and deserve…every part of me. But I know it’s just not the case when we put it into reality. I am working on this, and I will continue to work on this, because I feel I have lost someone so special to me and my heart, and more importantly, put this person who I admire and respect and love so much through so much pain and uneasiness for so long. I am sorry I am not at that level to provide that for you…I really, really, really am sorry. I can swear to you it’s not because I don’t want to. The second I left your house and the second I got home I wanted to rush back and hold you in my arms and tell you it’s gonna be ok. Another part of me tells me that if we were able to live together that things would be so different. It wouldn’t be a hassle to come and see you. There wouldn’t be an issue that we are not giving each other enough time. There wouldn’t be conflict of feeling that you want to see me or not. I think that we could come home and be the first people we see when we get home, that I could buy groceries while your on your drive home and we can begin to cook together, that we could set up a hot bath and just relax in there with a glass of wine, that we could sit quietly next to one another on the couch under a blanket while we both read, that we could share each others everyday with one another, that we could work out together, and just enjoy each others time. Then when I went out with my friends or you did with yours, it wouldn’t be a choice of choosing them over you. That you wouldn’t feel neglected when I don’t call, that I wouldn’t feel neglected when you don’t call, that I wouldn’t feel I want to see you, but it’s a hassle to get my things together, come over and sleep there only to pack everything up and leave from there to come back home, but rather we would be coming home to each other every night. This is something I have thought about for so long, but it’s something that sounds good in theory and I see working out, but I don’t know how able or capable we would be to give it an honest effort without past ties. But I think if we were both honest and said we were gonna try it out, and if either one of us thought it wasn’t working, then we could safely say we truly feel we have tried everything and we just need to move on. I think about this a lot. I just feel that we have hurt and we have both felt a sense of unfullfillment in this relationship, each of us for very different reasons, but in the end it’s because we both see the great potential of what we can be and how beautiful that can be. It’s just hard to let that go. But then again, that’s what has got us into this current predicament in the first place. So I leave it up to you, but just wanted to bounce this off of you. I love you and already miss you and wish I could be holding you in my arms now. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do, but ultimately, I truly wish for your happiness. You hold an unbelievably special place in my heart. Love, **** He's lived with 2 girlfriends in the past. I've never lived with a significant other in my entire life because I think it's a HUGE step to make with someone and shouldn't be taken lightly. I think it's unrealistic of him to believe that things will be better if we lived under the same roof. I think it would likely be disasterous. Living together is not meant to fix problems in a relationship, but to perhaps take things to the next level with all else is going well. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 This letter is, in a very subtle, roundabout way, twisting things on to you...he is trying to turn it around and make the failure of the relationship into your fault. This whole living together is a cop out...he won't be any different and he knows it...I think he knows you won't buy into it so by you saying no to living together he will walk away convincing himself that he tried and you didn't want to make it work. This is BS and this shows you the kind of man he really is. It is more of the same crap he has been feeding you all the way along. I wouldn't even bother responding to this email. It's BS and he knows it. He is making lame excuses about your relationship not working because he had to stay over at your place and then pack up etc. What crap. He is really stretching. You did right by dumping this guy. If you lived with him his games would get even worse and then you would really be trapped. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Mari, try not to be swayed too much by his words. Not easy, I know, but please do try. You really shouldn't second guess yourself too much here, and since his email will not help you in this feat, go ahead and delete it, if you feel strong enough. Hun, you know we're all rooting for you, right? Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 yeah - i agree - he is trying to twist things around on you. he is selfish, as always. please, don't respond to it. he had more than enough chances to show you his love and to be there for you. i don't see how living together would fix things at all. i agree with you - it's a huge step you take when things are going well, not to 'fix' things. Link to comment
gee Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Hi mari, Been wondering how you have been. I'm sorry how things unfolded between you guys. I guess he didn't back up his actions when he wrote you that letter. He was inconsistent with his feelings towards you and he just couldn't cut it. You made the right decision. It might hurt, but you did the right thing. Believe in yourself ok. Don't regret what you did here. You tried at another shot with him..you really, really tried! There is nothing else to be done. It's truly his loss. He has a lot of work to do and you can't sit around waiting for a miracle (it's going to take a lot of effort and time from his part). You know about timing, right..maybe this wasn't your time with him. When the time is right you will find that special someone that will make you happier than you can imagine. This is a new year. It's yours for you to take. God bless you hun! gee Link to comment
Sparkie Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 You're done mari. Delete. Forget. Live life for you. He has messed with your emotions for so long now. It's mari-time now (and I don't mean all things nautical Link to comment
mariposa81 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 I agree with you on this. Last night when we were talking, it felt like he was trying to twist things around into it somehow being my fault as well. He kept telling me how I don't make him feel like I want him around because when he calls to get together, I don't act all excited about it. I told him how was I supposed to act excited when I've never CONSISTENTLY been made to feel like I was someone that was special to him? When he would flake out on me to do things with his friends? When he actually TOLD me that hanging out with me "isn't really his idea of fun" because it's redundant and we do the same things all the time? How in the hell does he THINK I'm supposed to act???? In our conversation when he mentioned my excitement about him coming around he was saying, "I want to feel special too. I want to feel wanted and desired too." I was like, "Are you kidding me???" That's all I've done for 2 years is make him feel like the center of my world. It was basically like he was saying if you give me what I need, I'll give you what you need. I told him that and he said, "it's not like that at all." Sure it's not. No thanks. I so badly want to email him back and tell him that moving in together is not something I take lightly as he has in the past by carelessly moving in with two girlfriends from his past, that it's not a last ditch effort to make things work like he thinks it will be, that the bottom line is our problems stem from what he is and isn't able to do right now and living together's not going to change that. It would be disasterous and won't "fix" anything. Convenience (or lack thereof) is NOT what's caused all the problems in our relationship, and I refuse to move in with someone out of convenience. I was actually a little shocked to read that he's felt like it's a "hassle" to pack up some things to come to my house and take it back again the next day. Sure it's not ideal, but it's what you do when you're in a relationship when the person doesn't live accross the street. MOST people don't like accross the street or in the same apartment complex as their significant other. I feel like it's so selfish of him to feel hassled by coming to see me. I only live about 7 miles away (about a 15 minute drive). But it's something I won't have to deal with anymore. I know you all will probably advocate that I don't respond to his email, but I can't stand the fact that he's going to go away from this having pinned it on me, that because I didn't want to live together as he suggested that I didn't want to do the "last thing that could possibly have made this work." We all know what the outcome would be if we lived together and I want him to know that his suggestion is NOT an option for the reasons I stated above and that I think his therapist would agree. I'm actually really angry that he would even suggest it. Would it hurt to write a quick response telling him that? Or should I just say screw it and leave it where it's at? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I think that any such contact would impede your moving on. I have the exact same opinion I had further up in this thread and in your other thread - knowing all you know, at this point if you continue to go down the path of contact - which for you has always led to seeing him again (as it did just a few nights ago) you have only yourself to blame if you get hurt again which is probable given that his values justify his behavior now and his behavior as far as choosing to share with you about his recent promiscuity. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I agree w/ Batya; I do not believe that your reply to his email, unfortunately, will NOT set him straight on the "facts" -- if he was that reasonable, you would have been able to convey your side with more success when you discussed this with him in person in the past two years. As tempting as it may be, do not write back bc all that will do is keep you in a never-ending and vicious cycle of irresolution, miscommunication, frustration, and confusion due to continued connection to this guy. Drop him, cut him loose, and focus on you, your healing, and your life ahead; dont allow him to weasel himself into your life and thoughts again. Hope you're feeling a bit better today, Mari. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 i would not reply back at all. i really agree with batya and ellie, it will just hurt your progress. you know what? this guy is really good at writing these long letters, but not very good at the actions that go with it. i think that you can't reason with him. he's going to have in his mind whatever justification he wants, and nothing you say or do will change his mind. he'll just continue to twist things around on you! and pu-lease!!!! 15 minute drive????? that's what's stopping you two from having a great relationship?!?! sheesh. and i'm sorry, but if you two lived together, you wouldn't be taking romantic baths or reading together or whatnot. if he wanted to take a romantic bath with you, it would just require 15 minutes in the car. when you live together, you'd probably do more 'boring stuff' (cleaning dishes, vacuuming) instead of 'date-like' stuff. instead, he'd do the 'date-like' stuff with his friends, and he would say - 'hey - i spent all day with you today!' and you'd say, 'yeah - cleaning the kitchen, and now you're going to the bars with your friends!' (while he leaves you alone to finish cleaning the bathroom yourself). sheesh. please mari, it's time to let this man go. he's truly too selfish for you. you sounded like a great gf, what else did he want??? he didn't feel special?!? what the heck?! maybe he wanted you to address him as "King Steve" or whatever Link to comment
diamond78 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 The thing about living together is that all the things he listed that you two could do because you would be living in the same home are things you can do while living in separate homes!! Couples who don't live together do all those things already because they see more in their relationship than just having sleepovers. He is just too lazy to be bothered with driving a few minutes to stay the night with you because god forbid he has to take a couple seconds to pack a bag. Wow. Why not just leave some clothes and a toothbrush at your home, then he wouldn't even have to take that minuscule step of packing a bag? He is lazy when it comes to relationships....that's why the changes happen slowly or not at all. That's why he can't put forth alot of effort to make things happen. It's just pure laziness and yet he expects you to be the one to keep the relationship alive just as long as he shows up. But I'm sorry if a man sees driving 7 miles to spend some time with his girlfriend a hassle, then believe me he doesn't have the emotional maturity to handle any other part of a romantic relationship as I'm sure he views other aspects of the relationship as a 'hassle'. Don't reply back because he still doesn't get it and no e-mail is going to make him see the light. Link to comment
mariposa81 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 I didn't reply back. I think the urge to respond comes, not from wanting to get him to see the light or anything or to "try to understand me" better, but from the anger that i have inside about the situation. I'm so mad that he KNEW he wasn't able to give me what I need when he wrote the first letter, yet he was selfish enough to keep me around. He claimed he didn't know at all, but how could he not?? It's like he put the decision to be together or not in my hands during our last conversation when he should have been man enough to let me go instead of hurting me and stringing me along, repeatedly promising to change. I'm hurt, but so pissed at him all at the same time and it's like I just want to tell him one last time what I think. I just want to say screw living together. That that's no way to solve problems in a relationship and that if he was careless in the past by living with his ex-girlfriends because it was "convenient" (he said it was easier to get to school by living with them), he's not going to make that same mistake with me. That the common denominator in both situations is HIM and that unless he was to change into someone that put forth the effort, living happily under the same roof would never happen. I know it doesn't matter, but it's like I want to just tell him how much he's pissed me off in doing the things he's done and for getting involved with me in the first place 2.5 years ago when he knew he wasn't ready (at the time, I had no idea). Like I said, i know I'm not perfect, but I'm also pissed at him for flipping things around on me when I feel like he's to blame for SOOO much of this, the pain I went through, even down to giving me false hope that things would "finally" be different. And to think that he did it after I had cut him out of my life and was doing okay. I actually believed him when he told me he had changed when all he was doing was sleeping around because he has low self-esteem. In thinking back on the conversation last night, I'm also mad that he came over, had sex with me, and then put it out there that he's "just not able to give me what I need; that he's 'trying' to change, and he knows he wants to because he wants me in his life in the future, but it's a slow process and that it's up to me to decide if I want to stay around until he's ready one day." I feel like this relationship has hardened me in a way. Even though the feelings of hurt and pain are just as intense right now, I'm just so....pissed off! I'm feeling a little better right now since I'm at work and around my co-workers whom I love to death, but this morning when i woke up, it came rushing back. It's like I had forgotten when i was asleep last night, but I remembered when I woke up that it was real. I actually wonder if I'll ever have a normal happy relationship with someone. It just doesn't feel like it'll ever happen. Mari Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 hey - anger is good! i wouldn't contact him, but definitely, it's good to progress to the 'anger' phase. hang in there, you will be ok. there is no point in trying to 'make him see the light.' Link to comment
charity Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 hi mari. this may sound strange but i am so happy for you right now. that may sound insensitive as i know that YOU are not happy. but i hope you know what i mean. i have been following this thread for ages and it was so clear to me that this would never work. from the outside looking in it was easy to see but i know that from your viewpoint-in the eye of the storm- it was so confusing and complicated. now you get to take a step away from misery, indecision, insecurity, feelings of inadaquacy etc. now you get to have a new life. i know it will hurt you terrible and you will go from heartbreak to anger constantly. right now i can hear that you are angry and that is why you are so sure of your decision. in a few days/weeks that heartbreak will hit you and you will feel a desperate need for him. but stay strong girl. as you have proved already you will survive and not only that..... YOU WILL THRIVE. Link to comment
mariposa81 Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Hi Charity, It doesn't sound insensitive at all. I do know what you mean. You're right. It was SOOOO very confusing and complicated being in the middle of it all, being someone who still loved him so much, but who's heart was hurting and holding onto the hope that he would be the guy that he claimed he had "worked so hard" to be. I didn't expect him to change overnight, but he said he was dedicated to changing and that even though it would take time, he was sure he wanted me in his life so he was willing to put forth the effort. Come to find out it was all a hoax, that his half-a** efforts were as good as it was going to get this whole time because that was all he was "able to give" and nothing more. I should have known after he told me he slept with 6 people the two months we were broken up that he wasn't truly ready. How could he have really been constructively working on himself when he was involved in such DEstructive behavior (if he was telling the truth about that). I feel like just someone he had fun with while doing his residency here in North Carolina. It's not fair that he gets to move back home to California away from reminders of me and start his life and his career with no regrets. I can't wait until I get to the point where I no longer give a crap and I can finally look forward to MY new life. Link to comment
mariposa81 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 This may be a stupid question, but I forgot that he's having surgery tomorrow. Should I wish him well for his surgery or continue to not contact him at all? Link to comment
DN Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I would not contact him. There is no point re-opening anything. Link to comment
gee Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 This may be a stupid question, but I forgot that he's having surgery tomorrow. Should I wish him well for his surgery or continue to not contact him at all? Hi mari, Please stay strong. Don't make an excuse to break contact. I know what's on your mind. I'm sure you wish him well! I'm really disappointed in this guy actually. gee Link to comment
gee Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Here again... Mari, sorry to bug, but you should get out of "GBT" and move towards the healing forum. Just an idea. Whenever you are ready hun. That's all. Take care. gee Link to comment
mariposa81 Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 That's definitely a good point Gee. This thread has run it's course for all intended purposes. It's time I move to the "Healing After Breakup" section of the forum. I'll be doing that tomorrow. For now, it's time I get some sleep. Thanks to everyone who's kept up with this novel of a thread for all these months. I sooo wish things had turned out differently. I can't tell u how much I appreciate all your input, advice, concern, and support. Hugs to all of you... Mari Link to comment
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