No contact with ex for 2 1/2 months and yesterday I find a letter at my door...what should I do?

[nutbrownhare]

He is admitting responsibility for the bits of the relationship which went wrong. He has sought professional help with no prompting from you. It sounds as though he really means it, and his feelings for you are sincere. Would he be willing to get professional help to solve any problems if you were to get back together? Sounds as though he would!

 

You are now in a space where you are feeling better about yourself, and thereforee not prepared to take any ****. You can't, can't, go back to square one because even though it's only 2 1/2 months, you're not quite the same person you were back then. If things go belly-up, again, you've got a therapist to see you through.

 

If I were you, I'd give him another chance. Go at your own pace. I guess that if you do start to contact him, what you say to him will take care of itself, but don't do anything which will cause you to feel threatened. After all, he's waited all this time with no contact - you don't need to rush things now.

 

Here's hoping that everything works out for you!

[amipushy]

I don't agree that he was being defensive. He think he understood that by speaking from the heart you might be expecting a "Knight on a white charger" coming to get you and you both living happily ever after which is unrealistic in anyone eyes however much they have changed internally.

 

I think he realised he had put himself out there first time and spoke from the heart so when he read you speaking from your head, he then did the same and in my opinion it was a very level headed response to your very level headed letter.

 

And I also think you should go to dinner with him and get it over with before you analyse this and him to death.

[Batya33]

 

And I also think you should go to dinner with him and get it over with before you analyse this and him to death.

 

And there is the best advice from a fellow over-analyzer (me, that is)

[mariposa81]

Okay, I think I'm going to go ahead and go to dinner with him (I want to wait until tomorrow evening though before responding because I have a therapy session tomorrow and want to talk through things with her). I'll send him an email and say, "We can do dinner. How about Friday at 7:30pm?" (

 

I know he's probably going to want to pick me up (we still live basically in neighboring apartment complexes until I move next week, so he's practically accross the street). I'm getting nervous just thinking about it all, LoL. It's been so long since I've seen him!

[FreedomRing]

I hope for the best with you, but for some reason, all I can think of with regard to your situation is that old addage "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..." You say that these grandiose gestures from your ex is not unusual given your past with him.......ahhh...with it only being 2.5months or so since you broke up with him, I personally wouldn't think that was enough time...

[mariposa81]

I hope for the best with you, but for some reason, all I can think of with regard to your situation is that old addage "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..." You say that these grandiose gestures from your ex is not unusual given your past with him.......ahhh...with it only being 2.5months or so since you broke up with him, I personally wouldn't think that was enough time...

 

I totally see your point and quite honestly, I think that's why I've been so wary and unsure about the whole thing. It's been a few days shy of 3 months (we broke up on or around Jun 6). He has indeed done grandiose gestures in the past on a couple of occasions, mostly in person and after an argument or disagreement. He has written letters to me a few times in the past, but mainly to discuss something when we couldn't see eye to eye with the end of the letter saying how much he loves me, etc.

 

This letter was a little different in that I've never had him acknowledge things that hurt me without me bringing those things up. Plus we've never gone longer than about 5 days without speaking when we were together and I pretty much ignored him since the day we broke up. But trust me, everything you're saying I've been through in my head about a thousand times, lol.

 

I'm not at all saying I'm going to get back with him at this point. I guess I need to get a feel for whether or not he's truly sincere and to see whether or not we even feel the same way about one another since it's been over 90 days since I last saw him (even though we broke up June 6th, I had gone out of town before that so I haven't seen him since May). I think it will be a while before we actually decide whether or not to go ahead and give things a try again. If nothing has changed, then that obviously wouldn't be healthy for either of us. But I am at least open to hearing him out and seeing him in person to open up the world of possibilities, no matter how it ends up. Due to the fact that I've been seeing a counselor for almost 4 months, I feel good about myself and stronger, to the extend that if things didn't go favorably, I can handle it much better and cut off contact again if necessary.

[Batya33]

You go girl!!

[mariposa81]

You go girl!!

 

LoL. I was just reading through some of my old posts. I've come suuuuuch a long way!! Making the decision to start going to therapy has pretty much changed my life

[younique21]

about the sametime i broke up with my bf...and yes i now realized that he was probably hurt by it... but it was just something i felt like i needed to do because of the way he was treating me. Now he has a new gf and i am the one wishing we could get back together because i miss how an amazing person he is. I would love to be in your shoes....I say give him another chance and make sure u address your issues that need to worked on and take it slow....till this day i regret not working it out when he wanted to ....so go for it because i dont want anyone to go through or feel how i am feeling because i feel like i lost the thing that meant the most to me

[Sparkie]

Hi, just my humble 2 cents worth.

 

I spoke to a counselor a while ago regarding a break up, and was given the following advice. (I was the dumpee - your ex pretty much)

 

'Look at the old relationship and pick the bones out of it. Learn what you can, and if you think those learnings would have kept the relationship alive, you're good to go. Put the old relationship in a black balloon, and tie it to your belt. It'll always be there, but you'll grow to ignore it.'

 

His view was that life is short. You're both adults. Why waste months wondering. Do the work, and then give it a shot. If it's rubbish, well you can handle that. It's a simplistic approach (he had long hair and a beard - don't know if thats relevant but I found it somewhat refreshing after months of 'what ifs' and over analysing. Whats the worst that can happen - he hasn't changed, you're back in NC, but this time there's no lingering doubts. Press on with caution I say.

[mariposa81]

Thanks for the additional responses.

 

I talked to my therapist today. She also feels like I'm in a good place to proceed with caution (I've been in therapy for 6 months!!! I thought it was only 4 months...amazing how time flies).

 

I hadn't yet responded to his email, so today he texted me and asked if I would be free to have dinner with him tonight or maybe have coffee. I responded that I was unable to tonight (due to my therapy session...I go after work), so I suggested tomorrow night or friday night. He responded with, "tomorrow is fine." I guess he and I will talk more tomorrow beforehand to work out the details of the evening.

 

So it's settled. We meet tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous after not having seen him in so long.

 

Any advice for tomorrow? Wish me well

[Zeitgeist]

Thanks for the additional responses.

 

I talked to my therapist today. She also feels like I'm in a good place to proceed with caution (I've been in therapy for 6 months!!! I thought it was only 4 months...amazing how time flies).

 

I hadn't yet responded to his email, so today he texted me and asked if I would be free to have dinner with him tonight or maybe have coffee. I responded that I was unable to tonight (due to my therapy session...I go after work), so I suggested tomorrow night or friday night. He responded with, "tomorrow is fine." I guess he and I will talk more tomorrow beforehand to work out the details of the evening.

 

So it's settled. We meet tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous after not having seen him in so long.

 

Any advice for tomorrow? Wish me well nervousness is understandable. But no need to worry. It sounds like he's the one who has something to prove so let him do the work.

 

Just wanted to say that your story's pretty similar to mine in that I did the dumping and yet it felt more like I was the dumpee. She wasn't over her ex and so after a several months of trying to be okay with it, I finally had enough. I hope to be in your shoes someday. Good luck.

[gee]

Good luck butterfly81! It's worth a try to hear what he has to say! Let us know what happens. God bless!

 

gee

[thinkstoohard]

I have no advice for you but I wish you well! I am one year post break up and am meeting with my ex tomorrow night too! There was a time when I would have given anything to be in your exs shoes... Now I will go in it with no expectations and will go with the flow and take it all for what it is worth. I too have been in therapy so I see things from a totally different perspective. Sounds like you do too. Hold your guns, know your worth, keep an open mind and be real. Be you and be honest. That's what I am gonna do. Well, I guess I did have a little bit of advice!

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

Thanks for the additional responses.

 

I talked to my therapist today. She also feels like I'm in a good place to proceed with caution (I've been in therapy for 6 months!!! I thought it was only 4 months...amazing how time flies).

 

I hadn't yet responded to his email, so today he texted me and asked if I would be free to have dinner with him tonight or maybe have coffee. I responded that I was unable to tonight (due to my therapy session...I go after work), so I suggested tomorrow night or friday night. He responded with, "tomorrow is fine." I guess he and I will talk more tomorrow beforehand to work out the details of the evening.

 

So it's settled. We meet tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous after not having seen him in so long.

 

Any advice for tomorrow? Wish me well

[arianah]

I've been dying to know...

 

How was dinner with your ex??

[mariposa81]

Hey everyone,

 

Soooooo here's what happened last night..

 

He texted me during the day asking what time I would like to get together. We agreed on 7:30pm. He asked if I wanted to meet him there or have him pick me up. I said that I would meet him there. After we discussed which restaurant we were going to go to (we decided to have dinner because we were both starving), he asked if I was sure I didn't want him to pick me up and ride there together (he basically lives accross the street). I said, okay that's fine with me.

 

I was dreading it sooooo much! I was afraid that it would be the most awkward car ride ever! I didn't know how I was going to feel when I saw him. When he came to get me and I got in the car, he asked for a hug and said it was so good to see me and that I looked beautiful. He told me he liked my hair (I have bangs now and I didn't when we were together). I told him he looked nice too.

 

The entire ride there, we caught up on what's been going on in each other's lives since we last spoke. I told him I was closing on my new townhome on Monday. He had remembered and told me congratulations. Turns out, he moved out of the apt he was living in with his young roommates and decided to move into a smaller place with a couple of older guys (I was really happy to hear that). He said he plans to move into a one bedroom apt in a couple of months. So the carride wasn't awkward at all after the first 5 minutes, lol.

 

We arrived at the restaurant had to wait a few moments before being seated. It was almost like being around each other for the first time, a similar nervousness you feel on a first date. We just kept looking at each other and saying, "it's been a long time"..."I can't believe it's been 3 months since we last saw each other." After being seated, we began talking. I told him I was all ears. Come to find out, he was dreading coming to pick me up too! LoL He said at the time, he was hoping I'd stick to meeting him there. But he wanted to be a gentleman with regard to going out. He said he was really nervous about it because since it'd been so long, he didn't know if he would be mad at me when he saw me, if he would be glad to see me..he didn't know how he would feel. But he said when he got in the car, he thought I looked gorgeous and that his heart filled up because he was like, "it's her."

 

He told me that he went through a lot the first month after we broke up. That the reality of it all didn't really set in until about a week afterwards, when I refused to answer his calls, texts, and emails. He went to visit his family in LA that weekend and his parents told him that even though he probably didn't want to hear it, they have a lot of respect for me for what I did because they didn't always think he did right by me and that he had some growing up to do.

 

He told me that he knows 2 1/2 months isn't a long time to be in therapy, but he's learned a lot about himself and realized where he went wrong in the relationship. He didn't make my happiness as much of a priority as he should have and he's sincerely sorry for that. He said that when he thought of all the qualities he wants in someone that he wants in his future, he thought of me because I possess all of them.

 

He said that before, he separated his girlfriend from his friends. But now he realizes that his girlfriend IS his best friend and that as his girlfriend, he would want me to be a part of the best times of his life. He's also learning to be less focused on material things because he said he's learned that none of that really means anything.

 

He said that he's realized in therapy that his parents have been enablers (also that I was too to some extent). He had a long conversation with them about this and that they also play a part in the type of man he was. And so did his brother. He had a huge confrontation with his brother in which he basically cursed his brother out and told him that he really messed him up as far as how to be in relationships with women. He told his brother that he will NOT be like him, that he isn't like him, and that they're different and his brother needs to learn to accept that. He told his brother that if he ever comes to visit him again, he will have to get used to being with him AND his girlfriend because he will never put someone he loves to the side again for his brother. I was glad to hear that because I'd always felt like he never stood up to his brother and thought his brother could do no wrong. He also said he had suggested to his brother that he go to therapy too because of his own issues. Whether his brother will actually go or not is a different story.

 

As far as the intimacy is concerned, he did learn from his therapist that he was mildly addicted to porn. As of one month ago, he threw away all his pornography DVDs. He no longer masturbates on a regular basis and says that at most, it's maybe 2 times a week now (which I think is normal for most men when they're not in a relationship). He realized that he had a unrealistic perception of what sex should be due to porn. He also admitted that in the beginning, he didn't think he was attractive enough to be with me. When he noticed that I didn't climax everytime during sex, it hurt his ego and his pride even more and made him feel even more like he wasn't good enough to be with me. As a result, we rarely had sex. Now that he no longer has porn and has been working on these issues in therapy, he has noticed the resurrection of his sex drive tremendously. He apologized for making me feel so undesired and unwanted from an emotional and intimate standpoint.

 

He's currently in the process of transferring to another therapist because the first one was an interim therapist through the university and he wants to continue treatment. I talked to him about the changes I've made and he said that it seems like I'm really happy and have a glow about me now that wasn't there before. I told him that I really do feel happy with myself.

 

We also talked about my part in what was wrong in the relationship. Because I was sort of unhappy with myself in certain respects, I relied on him for a lot of my happiness. When he didn't meet those expectations, I became resentful. I also did far too much for him during the relationship. He began to see me as a subordinate and would come to resent me when I stopped doing as much after we had been together for a while. I let him know that as a result of being away from the relationship and working on myself, I've come to know my worth and feel like a different person.

 

After being in the restaurant for almost 2 hours, we still weren't done talking so we decided to go to a wine bar up the street from our apartments. We had wine and continued to talk. He said that he had told everyone that it was really over because I had refused to answer his calls/texts/and emails. He said that he really never thought in a million years that I would've responded to his letter after being ignored for so long. He said that in truth, he didn't write the letter to get a response, but to really let me know what was on his mind and in his heart; that regardless of whether I responded or not, he wanted to let me know.

 

After talking, he asked me what I wanted to do about us. I told him that I wasn't at all ready to enter back into a relationship with him. That I need to go very slow and get used to the idea of him even being in my life again after all this time and the changes I've made in my life. I made it clear that I can't do anything more than what I'm comfortable doing. He said that he has some reservations too and that he wants to move slow as well. That of course he doesn't want either of us to experience hurt again and he doesn't want us to fall back into the same patterns. We decided to exclusively ease back into seeing each other once in a while and to begin communicating again. He said that he knows he wants to see what happens because in a few months, he will have to decide whether to stay here in North Carolina or move back to LA (he's in the last year of his program). He said that I'm the only woman that he would stay here for. I also suggested that if we do get back in a relationship, that we see a relationship counselor if necessary. He was awed by this because he didn't think I would be interested in that (he said he would be willing to go if we both felt it was right). He said it showed how much I value a relationship.

 

He took me home and after kissing goodnight (he asked my permission because he didn't know if I would be okay with it, lol), we said goodbye.

 

I had a great time with him. He texted me after he dropped me off saying that he had a wonderful time as always, that he wants to be a better man; that I make him want to be better, and that he hopes I have a good night and sweet dreams.

 

Since I feel like a new person after 6 months of therapy, I see things so differently now. I am interested to see how things progress with him however slowly we may go, but I'm confident that I will be okay in my life regardless of the outcome. Only after a lot of time has passed will we decide whether or not to give a relationship another shot.

 

So he's on his way here now to drop off some orange juice because he could tell by my voice that I'm sick with a cold. When he called today to see how my day went and I answered, he said it was weird to call me and actually have me pick up, lol.

 

I will continue to keep you guys posted.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Wow! Sounds like you both had a chance to work on yourselves, and now that you're both ready, you had a great opportunity to LISTEN to each other's fears, worries, changes, and such.

 

Your ex sounds alot like me. In fact, our situations are very similar. I'm learning alot from your thread. Thanks again for posting it all here.

[diamond78]

Wow....this thread has really made me hopeful about life and love....

 

 

No matter what happens between you two, I think the moments you guys shared last night were truly special and quite unforgettable

 

 

Definitely keep us updated!!!

[Zeitgeist]

Just wanted to say I'm happy for you. Who knows what the future holds, but it sounds like you two are off to a good start!

[mariposa81]

Thanks for all the responses. You guys have been a huge help for me in all of this.

 

I need a little more help still.....

 

Before he and I broke up, my mom, sister and closest friend saw that I was unhappy at times. I never really got into a lot of detail with them (I don't like discussing my relationships with them that way), but after he and I broke up of course they wanted to know what happened. Why would I finally end things so abruptly after almost 2 years. I told them some things so they would really understand why I did it. At the time, I felt it was okay to tell them (even though I really didn't want to) because I never thought he would be back in my life to any capacity.

 

Well now that we're getting to know each other again, how do I go about telling them what's going on? How do I convince them that I'm in a different place in my life, that I'm stronger and am finally happy with myself and that I'm moving very slowly with him to see how things go? That he and I are NOT back together at this point, that we may decide to not even get back together, but we're learning about each other since we've both had separate experiences since we've been apart?

 

The only people that know I'm in therapy is my sister and my close friend, but I feel like even they don't understand just how different I really am and how I'm not the same miserable person I was when I was with him; that I won't tolerate the same things that happened and that he's also been in therapy and has worked on himself.

 

When I had gotten the letter from him a few weeks ago, I told my friend (who at the time, had recently had things end with the love of her life) and she said, "I can't even BELIEVE you're even paying that letter any attention!! Go ahead then, when he pulls the same stuff, I'll be here for you when you're crying your eyes out and all upset."

 

I was insulted that she even thinks I'm the same unhappy person I once was (and I also felt like maybe she was bitter about having to let go of her ex). She has had several setbacks with her ex where she said she wasn't going to talk to him, but then he would call and she would talk to him, and she would get off the phone regretting it. I was thinking, "You've left your ex alone for what, 5 minutes??? How dare you judge me for acknowledging his letter after I haven't had any contact with him for 3 months!" As if my progress meant nothing. I didn't say anything else about it to her after that.

 

I just don't want to get judged for the decisions that I'm making because they don't understand the changes I've gone through. They will find out eventually that we're back in contact, so I really want to just tell them so I won't feel like I'm hiding it (I'm very close to my mom and sister).

 

How should I do that? Breaking it to my loved ones that someone who has hurt me in the past is slowly coming back into my life. Has anyone ever gone through something like this before?

 

Thanks you guys. ((HUGS)) to all of you!!!

[GoldenHillGuy]

I really feel you on this also. When me and my ex broke up, I needed to vent. I told all my friends and family what a 'horrible' person my ex was. Now, I feel I need to hide the fact that we're still in contact, and my desire to be back together with her. Its kind of embarrassing to have to hide it. But............

 

Only you are in control of your life. You have to do what makes YOU happy ultimately. If they don't understand that, then they are not looking out for your best interests. Maybe they think they are by telling you to stay away from him, you'll only get hurt again, but again, that's not giving you much credit as an adult who can make her own decisions.

 

I sympathize with you because I feel excatly the same way. I even started a thread on it awhile back.

[Zeitgeist]

mariposa - Since you've only seen your ex once so far and things are really in the beginning stages, I wouldn't tell my family/friends just yet. I don't know if it's good advice or not, but I'd want to give myself time to evaluate the interactions with my ex without having "input" from others - and I think they would give you "input", at least to a degree. I wouldn't want anyone to bias what I'm experiencing. I don't think there's harm in waiting. Just my thoughts.

I fully agree with this. Don't let outside influences cloud your judgment. If this is a mistake, so be it. You'll find that out soon enough, and at least it will be on your own terms. You don't want to involve them and have them influence your decision (not yet). First of all, it's too early and you yourself don't know what's going to happen yet and you're still working things out yourself. Second of all, because if you make a mistake then, you're going to be somewhat angry with yourself for letting them influence you. Take one thing at a time. Deal with the ex situation first. When you're more confident which direction it's going in, then let them know. Because then you can explain your situation and defend yourself (if necessary) with a great deal more confidence.

[mariposa81]

I just read the thread. Lots of good input.

 

You're right. I am in control of my own life and make my own decisions. I just think that no one really realizes how different I see things now and how strong I am now and it's because no one really knew I was in therapy. I didn't even tell my sister until about a month ago. She had no idea. My mom still doesn't know so I feel that she will think I'm the same person who may make the same mistakes if he and I get that far. I don't think either of them (my close friend, my sister, or my mom) understand what he and I are doing right now with "getting to know each other" again.

 

Izzy, you are right too. I do think I should wait a while. We have been corresponding through text message everyday and he calls about once a day to see how I'm doing. He invited me out last night, but I was not feeling well, put I want to stay with our slow pace.

 

I do want to wait to say anything, it's just that having him back in my life seems like a distraction when I talk to them because it's something significant that's occurring now that wasn't happening just a few short days before. I had no guy in my life whatsoever just last week.

 

But I think I will give it more time to see how we're progressing before I mention it to them.

 

GoldenHillGuy, have you still not mentioned it to anyone other than us on ENA?

 

Any more input?

[mariposa81]

I fully agree with this. Don't let outside influences cloud your judgment. If this is a mistake, so be it. You'll find that out soon enough, and at least it will be on your own terms. You don't want to involve them and have them influence your decision (not yet). First of all, it's too early and you yourself don't know what's going to happen yet and you're still working things out yourself. Second of all, because if you make a mistake then, you're going to be somewhat angry with yourself for letting them influence you. Take one thing at a time. Deal with the ex situation first. When you're more confident which direction it's going in, then let them know. Because then you can explain your situation and defend yourself (if necessary) with a great deal more confidence.

 

 

That's true. Because at this point, I really don't know which direction it's going to end up in. It depends on a lot of factors such as whether or not he's consistently changed, whether or not we still have love between us, getting used to having him back in my life when he wasn't at all before, whether or not I feel having him in my life could cause me to regress in the progress i've made (though not likely), there are lots of things. I just hate feeling like I'm keeping a secret from them when I talk to them (which is pretty much everyday).

 

There's this little voice in my head that keeps saying, "what would they think...what would they think....what would they think..." How do I shut that off and focus on what we're doing? Because the truth is, it doesn't even MATTER what they would think.

[GoldenHillGuy]

GoldenHillGuy, have you still not mentioned it to anyone other than us on ENA?

 

No. I'm afraid to. I've talked my ex down so much to my friends and family they'd think I'm a fool to continue talking to her. Sometimes I feel like stalling in trying to keep communication open with my ex until my sister leaves town next April. LOL. Sad but true. Its easy for me to sit here and tell you to do what's best for you and not worry about what your family and friends think when I'm struggling with it myself. ](*,)