Dog in bed with me or not?

[lady00]

Hmm...based on this, you definitely need to dump the gf. It won't be easy but I can guarantee that waiting won't make it any easier. It will probably make it harder. Also, think about it this way: this isn't all about you. Think about your gf. She deserves to be with someone who adores her, just as you do. Doesn't that count for something? It will hurt her in the short run when you break things off but in the long run she will be 1000% happier.

[lila...]

I don't think you're being out of line. It's your place, thereforeee you make the rules. I can understand how some people could be grossed out by it, but I'm a dog lover so I'm with you in keeping the dog with you as long as she's clean. CB made a good suggestion about maybe getting a bed for her and putting it right next to you. I'm sure your girlfriend wouldn't complain to that, and if she does, then I think she's really out of line.

[Batya33]

Hmm...based on this, you definitely need to dump the gf. It won't be easy but I can guarantee that waiting won't make it any easier. It will probably make it harder. Also, think about it this way: this isn't all about you. Think about your gf. She deserves to be with someone who adores her, just as you do. Doesn't that count for something? It will hurt her in the short run when you break things off but in the long run she will be 1000% happier.

 

Well, she is an adult, he told her "no promises" so it's her choice if she wants to settle (maybe she's getting some on the side and is happy enough with this kind of arrangement)

[lady00]

Well, she is an adult, he told her "no promises" so it's her choice if she wants to settle (maybe she's getting some on the side and is happy enough with this kind of arrangement)

 

It's both of their choices to stay in a dead-end relationship. Since she's not making a move to end it, I think he should. If he cares for her, he will dump her. I can't believe she's really happy. Otherwise, she wouldn't be picking these fights over the dog to mask the real issues. I stand by what I said. Sometimes dumping someone who isn't seeing the writing on the wall is the kindest thing to do. And if one truly cares for someone, then that's what one would do. I don't see how it serves either of their interests to keep each other around.

[lila...]

Oh wow, this is off topic, but if I were her I would really like for you to dump me. I don't think it's fair to her at all that you're just staying in the relationship because you're "comfortable" and given the chance you would date another girl. Totally not fair to her.

[pinkelephant]

You raise interesting points, and they are all valid to some degree.

 

Dogs may track microscopic particles of dirt and feces into the house and into the bed...not from "going number one or number two" because they have evolved in such a way that they do not need to "wipe" after themselves, and they do clean themselves to a certain extent as well.

 

In terms of what they track in, by the time they have walked around on the carpet for hours...as well as their own attempts to clean themselves...plus the fact that they probably share couches and chairs and other furniture with their owners...is sharing the bed that much worse?

 

I don't know... I had a shiztu (sp?) and poo always got stuck on her behind. it was gross. i had to wipe her down all the time.

 

and even when you walk around in your carpet, do your feet get clean? lol this logic astonishes me.

 

yes, dogs are supposed to be self cleaned, just like some of our body parts are... but we still need to shower... so do they. i'm a bit of a germ freak though. whenever i'm at my bf's house, i stay in the boat house. he cleans it before i come over and the dogs aren't allowed in there.

[lady00]

I also would add that just because someone (in this case the gf) knows what to do objectively doesn't mean that they can actually bring themselves to do it when their emotions are involved. I've been in situations somewhat similar before and it's easy to say just leave and I'm sure she knows that is what she should be doing, but it's not actually easy to do when she's been with someone for a year and is really into him, maybe even hoping he'll change his mind. Which is why, it's probably up to the OP to do the breaking up.

[Batya33]

I also would add that just because someone (in this case the gf) knows what to do objectively doesn't mean that they can actually bring themselves to do it when their emotions are involved. I've been in situations somewhat similar before and it's easy to say just leave and I'm sure she knows that is what she should be doing, but it's not actually easy to do when she's been with someone for a year and is really into him, maybe even hoping he'll change his mind. Which is why, it's probably up to the OP to do the breaking up.

 

Yes, I totally agree I am just saying it's a bit unfair to put it all on him - she's an adult, people usually move towards pleasure and away from pain so perhaps she's getting more benefits out of being with him than negatives, as she sees it.

[bartels]

It's both of their choices to stay in a dead-end relationship. Since she's not making a move to end it, I think he should. If he cares for her, he will dump her. I can't believe she's really happy. Otherwise, she wouldn't be picking these fights over the dog to mask the real issues. I stand by what I said. Sometimes dumping someone who isn't seeing the writing on the wall is the kindest thing to do. And if one truly cares for someone, then that's what one would do. I don't see how it serves either of their interests to keep each other around.

 

And I agree with what you said...but me agreeing with it, and me doing something about it...are two completely separate things.

 

Its interesting how this topic evolved. I really appreciate the comments.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My guess is she is more comfortable fighting about the dog than the underlying truth that you are more committed to your dog, to whatever, than to her. That's good that you've been honest with her, it's just that she's not comfortable being honest with herself so she picks fights over dogs, etc.

 

 

Well, I think he is as much at fault here..I think this dog issue is also his way of escaping the closeness of a relationship. He may have been honest, but he is clearly taking advantage of the fact that he knows she is much more into him than he is her...in fact, he already, in a sense, emotionally cheated on her...he found someone else that floats his boat more, and yet for the sake of comfort he stays with this one. So while she does know the score, she is remaining in the relationship because she cares about him, while he remains in the relationship out of convenience.

 

Even if the dog is only in the bed when she is not around, the dog hair and the dog smell remain on the sheets. It is like smoking, the effects linger..so she does indeed have a legitimate complaint. It sounds to me like BOTH of you are engaged in this little "pissing contest"..and I think that had you really been in love with this woman you probably would have agreed to no dog in the bed. I personally think that it is unfair to continue this relationship...she is simply a convenience to you and nothing more whereas she seems to feel a lot more for you. If you ended the relationship you could have every day as "dog in the bed" day without a problem and then you can be free to find a woman who loves sharing her bed with the dog as well.

[CatsMeeoow]

I would have to say as a veterinarian that dogs shouldn't be sleeping in the bed... I personally don't like that my cats sleep there but it's a little harder to control a cat or actually it just takes a lot more effort.

 

But we are lucky in our opulent society that many couples choose to have dogs over children and some of us choose dogs over a spouse so lots of dogs end up sleeping in beds with owners and owning lots more designer clothing than me.

 

I think if you really care about this girl then you should discuss the matter openly but respect her decisions. She probably feels that the bed is your (you and her) sanctuary and that the dog is invading. She may feel you are too permissive... and she can interpet that to think you may be too permissive of a parent and unable to set boundries... I mean would you let your 5 year old sleep in bed with you every night?

 

I loved my dog like no other. I could not have asked for a closer friend. But, he slept on the floor. He's not my equal - I was his master. That being said that dog lacked for nothing in his entire lifetime - I still cry at the thought he has moved on from this world.

 

Good Luck with you predicament.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is an easy one... you need to find a girlfriend you love as much as your dog. You seem much more in love with the dog (which is a good thing for you and the dog), but the girlfriend just doesn't inspire that kind of devotion in you.

 

So it might be time for a new girlfriend.

 

On the subject of dogs in the bed, some people are animal people and some are not. I could never live with someone who didn't love animals. I have dogs, but because i have dust allergies, they don't sleep on my bed because their coats act like dust mops and i can't have them in the bed with me or i can't sleep from the sneezing. but they do get to 'visit' it sometimes for naps right before i change the sheets. They are perfectly content with this arrangement and have nice beds of their own in the bedroom and elsewhere in the house. They will sit at the edge of the bed and ask permission before getting up, and are very cute and accept it just fine if i tell them they can't, and see it as a special treat when i do let them up.

 

I think if your girlfriend did have allergies the dog could learn to visit the bed, but sleep in a basket/bed of its own somewhere in the room. When it is time for bed, the dog will gravitate to its 'spot' wherever that is, and be content with it.

 

But if your girlfriend doesn't like animals (or sees them as dirty), it just won't work out unless you want to sleep in separate beds.

[lady00]

And I agree with what you said...but me agreeing with it, and me doing something about it...are two completely separate things.

 

OK...well...not sure what to say to that except, good luck.

[bartels]

OK...well...not sure what to say to that except, good luck.

 

Thanks..the way I see it, any number of things can happen.

 

1) We stick it out together for an unknown period of time..months, years...it's comfortable, it "works", but its nothing special as you have already figured out.

 

2 I succumb to temptation and go out with someone else, and "sabatoge" the relationship in a way that is very hurtful to her.

 

3) I continue to disagree with her, such as with the dog in bed thing, and I don't treat her with the courtesy and respect she thinks she deserves, and she loses interest in me, and breaks it off herself or gets intrested in someone else and then breaks it off. I dont see that happening.

 

4) Things just slowly wind down to the point that it isn't satisfying for either one of us. Then I make the easy break. I like that one for some reason.

[hers]

 

4) Things just slowly wind down to the point that it isn't satisfying for either one of us. Then I make the easy break. I like that one for some reason.

 

The longer the relationship, the harder the break. No break is ever easy.

[hers]

 

Its interesting how this topic evolved. I really appreciate the comments.

 

Welcome to the wonder and beauty that is Enotalone.

[lady00]

4) Things just slowly wind down to the point that it isn't satisfying for either one of us. Then I make the easy break. I like that one for some reason.

 

I think the reason you like it best is obvious from what you wrote here--because you think it will be easiest. I don't think staying with someone you are not that into and hoping it will wind down and you will have an easy out is actually the easiest in the long run. I think breaking it off now and having the short-term difficulty will be far outweighed in the long run.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Actually, your 4 options you listed are all not great, and all of them end with you breaking up! My advice then would be why postpone the inevitable. Talk to her about it, and move on if you think you don't see a future with her.

[melrich]

So when your girlfriend stays you kick the dog out of bed? Your dog will figure this pattern out. You are setting the two of them up for conflict.

 

I dion't buy the argument about lack of hygiene re.sleeping with dogs but you are creating a rod for your own back. I'd cut it out now before it is too late.

[bartels]

So when your girlfriend stays you kick the dog out of bed? Your dog will figure this pattern out. You are setting the two of them up for conflict.

 

You really think the dog is going to "resent" or "take offense" to being unseated by my girlfriend? I would think in the limited mind that a dog has, the dog would naturally see my GF as above her in the "pecking order" of the pack, and accept the fact that she is displaced when the GF is there.

[DN]

Why is your girlfriend OK with your dog sleeping on the bed now but not when you move into a condo?

[bartels]

Why is your girlfriend OK with your dog sleeping on the bed now but not when you move into a condo?

 

I know, right? Makes no sense. I think it's because in the condo, the 2 bedrooms are upstairs, and its a lot larger than my present apartment. At first she said, "can we keep the dog downstairs in the new place", and I was like "I suppose we might be able to gate her off but I just know that eventually she will have the run of the place". Then she was like, "ok, but lets keep her out of the bedroom", and that's when I said, "no, even if we give her an area of the house that she can run around in, I will still have her sleeping with me".

 

I think the dog sleeping with me in the bed has always bothered her so she is trying to use the move to the condo as another angle on the situation. It really makes no sense and gives you more insight as to how my relationship with her is fairly messed up.

[lady00]

I suspect that when you come accross someone that really interests you, your response to her wanting the dog out of your bed would be quite different. I mean, love of your life vs. dog...not a difficult choice, even for someone who really, really loves his dog. People come first, especially people you are head over heels in love with, no matter how much you love your dog. Are you afraid to be alone?

[chasey]

We have two dogs (80 and 140 lbs) and both sleep on the bed on occasion. Usually when one of us isn't home cuz of them being bigger and the available space.

 

I think you've been more then fair in keeping your dog in the crate when she's there. What's wrong with the dog even being in the bedroom, sleeping by the bed!

 

I'd say too, it's your house, if you want your dog in bed or bedroom with you that's your choice.

 

IMO a dog that is generally an inside dog can be alot cleaner than most humans!!

[bartels]

I suspect that when you come accross someone that really interests you, your response to her wanting the dog out of your bed would be quite different. I mean, love of your life vs. dog...not a difficult choice, even for someone who really, really loves his dog. People come first, especially people you are head over heels in love with, no matter how much you love your dog. Are you afraid to be alone?

 

Am I afraid to be alone? That question doesn't seem to be related to the rest of your post or even this thread, but ok...

 

When I moved out of my house, away from my wife and children I had a tough time being alone, and I got into dating almost right away. Some nights I felt like I was jumping out of my skin and felt like a prisoner in my apartment..and yeah I had a tough time with the "aloneness"..nowadays, I dont seem to mind it, and I am still alone a lot because like I think I said earlier in this thread, my gf works a lot, mostly nights, and during the day I work so I dont see all that much of her except when she's off, and she tends to sleep a lot on those 2 days because shes in a sleep deficit situation most of the time.

 

So, I dont think I am "afraid to be alone" although I might have been soon after I moved into the apartment. Lately, I seem to be really ok with it but if your inference is that having the dog is some sort of "bandaid" for being alone then maybe you are on to something, who knows.