I love him BUT...

[lila...]

Honestly I didn’t think all of this sounded the way you guys are portraying it to be. If you guys knew and talked to him, you would see what I see…that he is a sincere and genuine guy. Although, you are kind of putting doubts in my head and making me wonder about little things he’s done in the past.

 

For example, when I met him, he had this name on his msn and I figured it was his name. About 3 months later the subject of our names came up and I discovered it wasn’t his real name, I was pretty mad because I couldn’t believe I had called him by a different name for so long and he hadn’t told me anything. However it wasn’t like he was trying to make up a new identity, it was just a name of one of his music idols so no big deal. He has given me his work email in the past but I never accepted it as I thought I didn’t need to, we already have one to talk in.

 

I’ve heard his voice and know it’s not that of a man older than 40. Oh...once when I was planning on going back to my homecountry to deal with some things, and he was living somewhere else, he told me he wouldn't be there and wouldn't be able to help me out but that he could send a trustful friend of his to the airport to pick me up...of course he was trying to help because he was worried for me as I was only 19 and would be travelling by myself...but I declined. Now, If he was a predator,would he tell a friend about me and have him go pick me up?? I don't think so. I'd think if he was a predator he would want to 'work' alone and not get anybody else involved!

 

To metrogirl: How can he be talking to other girls if he doesn’t have the time to? I know his whole day routine. When he gets home from work, finishes his tasks, and has some time to go online he is always with me. Right now he is living with some roommates because he just moved to his new job a couple of weeks ago and hasn’t gotten a place of his own, so he has hardly any privacy, and when he does…he spends that time chatting online with me. I know he has no time to be chatting with other girls.

 

The vacation thing is going to happen this summer. Of course before that happens, hopefully by then I’ll already have a couple of pictures of him and would have seen him by webcam already. I know I should tell either a close friend or my mom, but I don’t really want them to know I have a relationship with someone through here. They wouldn’t take it seriously. If it doesn’t happen this summer because I might not be able to, it’ll happen sometime later in the year. He’s even offered to visit my city this summer, so that’s not dangerous at all! He knows my family is close by and he’d be in a country he doesn’t even know or can’t get out of in case anything did happen!

 

I know that from the outside and just hearing this story it might sound a bit crazy or ridiculous, as you guys have said (I don’t think it is), but it’s normal…you guys aren’t the ones living it…I know if you were in my position you would trust him 100%. You guys can’t see everything I am seeing. He is a genuine man.

[RayKay]

Or he could send his "trustful friend" whom would really be HIMSELF so as to belay your suspicions of why some older dude was picking you up.

 

Seriously..all these things you show as "proof" are easily explained by less "positive" ways too.

 

Not "hopefully" have some pictures...insist you have pictures before you even THINK of meeting him.

 

The problem is that you ARE on the inside, so you are NOT seeing things objectively.

 

You are being TREMENDOUSLY careless with your life and this guy. Even when people share their experiences with you that are the same kinda thing...you dismiss it. Yet these are all people whom BELIEVED in it too.

 

I am curious...you said a relationship with a guy "through here"...is this a guy you met on this forum? Because if it, we could at least check it out for you.

[Hope75]

Girl,

 

The more you post, the more suspicious this sounds. You are young and you are wrapped up in feelings for this guy so it's very easy to dismiss what are big red flags to those looking from the outside.

 

You can't tell a person's age by their voice- there is no way. I can't tell you how many people I have met that sound 20 years younger than they are, or 15 years older than they are. It's not a reliable indicator and I think you know that.

[Hope75]

I want to add- no one is telling you to leave him.

 

All we are telling you is to get proof that he is who he says he is- to be careful and pay attention to those little nagging feelings, the ones that lead you to post here, the ones you have about those other 'off' things that he's done.

 

You don't really know someone until you have met them physically. You say you know his routine... but all you know is what he tells you on his computer from wherever he is-- whatever he wants you to believe.

 

We're not trying to come down on you. I met my fiance online and we've been together over 5 years and are getting married this year. But we were open and honest from the beginning- exchanged pictures within days of talking online, talked over the phone, met in person, established a relationship.

 

Just pay attention to what we are telling you. No one here is trying to 'sabotage' anything for you. We are just trying to help you watch out for yourself.

[Aurian]

Everything you say that is "proof" that he is not lying comes right from him.

 

He says he works at a place, but you can`t find him on the directory. He says he designed a building, but google the building - is his name listed as the architect? A photo? I have lots of photos of buildings, some with me in it, I didn`t design them.

 

He says he`s busy. He says he`s travelling. He says he`s with roomates. But you have nothing to back this up other than his words. When he CLAIMS to be with roomates or whatever, he could be talking to other women. Or maybe the guy is married and he doesn`t want his image out there, and just wants your attention.

 

He claims to get you gifts and can`t send them. Sure, and he might as well just grab a photo from online and pretend its something for you.

 

Predators can work in pairs as well. Easier to control a girl when she is outnumbered. Or the "friend" was a fib so you wouldn`t know you were actually seeing him, as RayKay suggested.

 

He never bothered to correct you when you called him the wrong name for months?

 

Women are hurt every day in their own towns, in their own homes when their family lives nearby. That isn`t going to prevent someone from hurting you. Nevertheless, it is still safer to meet a strange man on your own turf than it is on some turf that is completely new and unfamiliar to you. The sad fact is that a woman alone is more vulnerable than a man alone.

 

And last of all, why is this photo thing such a freaking big deal? Webcams are cheap. I bought one for about $30 and all I had to do was plug it into my computer. And it was an old one too. If his laptop really isn`t compatible, all he has to do is get a friend to take some pictures and scan them and send them to you. If he doesn`t have a scanner he can go to a place and pay to use one. If can`t do that, he can mail them to you. If you donn`t want a weird letter in your parents`place, tell him to mail them to a friend of yours. Hell, there`s many ways he could let you see what he looks like so you know who you are talking to.

 

I know you like this guy very much, but we`re really feeling scared for you. The more he tries to hide who he is, the more suspicious he looks.

 

Its really easy to lie online. Its okay to trust people, when it comes to relationships and putting yourself into a degree of risk, then I would not trust so easily. And a good guy would understand that and do what he can to make you not worry.

[Maya_A]

Bebe wrote: Honestly I didn’t think all of this sounded the way you guys are portraying it to be. If you guys knew and talked to him, you would see what I see…that he is a sincere and genuine guy.

^^^

Goodness... Nobody is able to convince you any different... If you are going to go about all of this and there is nothing anyone can say that will change your mind, and go about it without telling your parents to boot, I'll say it one last time... Just at least tell a single good friend all what is going on & when, where you meet him if you are h*ll bent on doing so no matter what...

 

Someone needs to know what is going on. Look at it as a safety backup for your own self...

 

You are being extremely careless with your safety as RK has said.

 

You are just believing everything he tells you - even things that sound utterly foolish. And there are so many. You are justifying them because you want to believe that you have found love. Maybe that "trusted friend' that picks you up would be him, or maybe it is a team member of a gang that kidnaps & does forced prostitution... These things DO happen...

 

You could be one of many he is relating with right now, so why wouldn't he have patience with you? You keep saying things like "I know he is okay because he does/does not do xyz"... When you explain what these things are, they can be read in many ways that don't make him okay really.

 

Think about a small child getting into a stranger's car with the promise of candy. You are old enough to know that is the oldest trick in the book & would advise any child never to do so course... But the naive child might still do it & your heart would break if you heard that something happened to a child this way... You are doing the exact same thing..

 

Why not get comfortable & read through again, what everyone has said to you & agree to at least consider it might be true for a moment... Get a lot tougher about a web cam chat with him asap, ask that you can call him at work (did you do this today?), and tell at least one friend...

[Maya_A]

Bebe wrote: Although, you are kind of putting doubts in my head and making me wonder about little things he’s done in the past.

 

Good! Like what things?

[metrogirl]

I don't think there is anyone on here that is going to convince her otherwise. She has it set in her head that what he says is God's gospel truth. He's worked her good.

 

bebe, for the record, it is not at all difficult to communicate with more than one girl online. What can any of us say to you to get you to see what this really is?

[Aleadragonhawk]

 

To metrogirl: How can he be talking to other girls if he doesn’t have the time to? I know his whole day routine. When he gets home from work, finishes his tasks, and has some time to go online he is always with me. Right now he is living with some roommates because he just moved to his new job a couple of weeks ago and hasn’t gotten a place of his own, so he has hardly any privacy, and when he does…he spends that time chatting online with me. I know he has no time to be chatting with other girls.

 

Have you seen pictures of these room-mates, or heard them, or talked to them? If not, you don't know that he moved - that time he's spending away might be being spent with others. Also people can chat with a lot more people at once than you may think - when I was chatting the most I was fully capable of keeping up conversations with five people at once, and did very frequently - even when paying a lot of attention to one or two of them.

[RayKay]

I don't think there is anyone on here that is going to convince her otherwise. She has it set in her head that what he says is God's gospel truth. He's worked her good.

 

bebe, for the record, it is not at all difficult to communicate with more than one girl online. What can any of us say to you to get you to see what this really is?

 

Yes, I don't understand why someone could not be talking to more than one person via IM - pretty easy to do. I can talk to multiple friends at one time for example.

 

If you met this guy on here, that is no guarantee either. Others have met people on here whom were not what they purported to be...at all. And they fooled even the most intelligent and aware women.

 

I just do not see what is so hard about giving a picture...even if looks "don't matter" it is about safety and knowing they are (or having a better idea they are) legit. If he can take all these pictures of other things, or send you scanned pics or whatever...what is SO hard about him snapping one of himself and sending it. I think a webcam would be preferable as you could really verify better in "real time" but come on...at LEAST a picture.

 

I think the fact he tries to change the topic or avoid it....is in itself VERY telling.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Bebe, I know how you feel. No one could convince me otherwise about my guy either. Even my therapist.

 

It's ok. If he doesn't show up on your vacation, give him the boot. My guy was *just* like yours about this picture thing, and he didn't show up...six times. See how addicting it is?

 

You can totally meet people online that are legit. I met my ex online and my current boyfriend online.

[diamond78]

any updates Bebe??

[lila...]

Hi you guys. Thanks for your interest and for worrying for me. I may sound stubborn, but I actually am listening and paying attention to every piece of advice you guys have given me. In fact that's why I decided I HAD to ask him for the webcam at least. I reread our conversation and I realized he actually said, "If I can I'll look for one some weekend." He said some weekend, not this weekend like I had previously thought. He is very busy though. But I will keep insisting. Since that conversation he hasn't been online but this weekend for sure we'll talk and I'll bring up the pictures and cam...see how he responds. I was thinking of not putting mine anymore until he gets one, but he always manages to convince me to put it for him. Once I lied to him and told him it was broken so he insisted on sending me one, so if there's no problem of him sending me one he certainly can get one for himself. I don't know why he won't though, I think he's kind of insecure, he's always saying he has "tires", in a playful manner, but I tell him he has nothing to worry about it cause I have some belly too.

Oh by the way, I didn't call his company. However I think it's unnecessary. I'm pretty positive he works there, there wouldn't be a reason he would lie about that.

 

He claims to get you gifts and can`t send them. Sure, and he might as well just grab a photo from online and pretend its something for you.

Sometimes he'll personalize the gifts and put my name on them, for example he has made me cards and paintings he actually did himself and put my name on them. And he can send me the gifts, I'm the one who tells him not to because my mom can find them.

Oh! And no I didn’t meet him in this forum. I met him a year ago in a chatroom from Spain, where he was working at the time.

[annie24]

he's not sooo busy that he cannot find a webcam. it takes like 2 minutes to order one from link removed. and besides, he works at an engineering firm, chances are that there are plenty for free where he works. i know where i work, they sometimes have old computer parts or monitors that they give away to someone who wants one.

 

excuses excuses excuses.....

[RayKay]

No one is "that busy" they can't get a webcam. Instead of messaging you one night he can go to the store. I am sure he can order one in 10 seconds online.

 

Yes people whom work and have lives are VERY busy...but even they find time to do the things in life that need to get done.

 

The fact he always convinces you to put your cam up (without ever bothering to return favour) is fishy enough.

[Aurian]

Photoshop....

[desert_rose26]

I reread our conversation and I realized he actually said, "If I can I'll look for one some weekend." He said some weekend, not this weekend like I had previously thought. He is very busy though. But I will keep insisting. Since that conversation he hasn't been online but this weekend for sure we'll talk and I'll bring up the pictures and cam...see how he responds.

 

If you have ANY doubts in your heart:

 

--Don't be afraid to reject him. You can control things. YOU have the POWER to WALK AWAY. This will all be over for good. Don't let him attach strings on you! Do you feel like that a bit? Don't be afraid to tell him that you CHANGED your MIND. That a vacation is actually not a good idea for you. You can reach for greatness for a guy you have no doubts about. This guy is dangerous and NOT genuine. Everyone on here thinks there are many red flags for your situation, and chances are..some truths is being revealed using what you told us.

 

Up to this point, you shouldn't trust him at all EVEN if he sends a picture to you!

 

Don't feel BAD for throwing 1 year out the window and everything you invested for this relationship to work. IT's NOT working and dangerous. You should not have to go through this. He should not have created so much stress for you. You have the power to say No, this is not right. Maybe you got your hopes up. You are being blind folded and fooled into thinking that without a picture is ok for you. It's great you woke up and can smell the smoke. Turn back before it's too LATE! You will feel so much better !

[annie24]

how can a relationship even last if a person isn't willing to be open about who they are? he is so closed off, that is not a relationship at all. being in a relationship requires that you show who you are, emotionally, intellectually, physically to a person, and if your partner accepts all of you.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I don't know why he won't though, I think he's kind of insecure, he's always saying he has "tires", in a playful manner, but I tell him he has nothing to worry about it cause I have some belly too.

 

Hi - This is your answer. He is overweight, and he is more overweight than he thinks you will accept. He is giving you a wee bit of the truth here, just enough so he can feel better. It's not that he's a bad person...it's that he's afraid. I guess there could be other reasons too, but I am pretty certain that this is the holy grail of all of them.

 

He will not show up for this vacation. Good luck, hope things turn out.

[Aleadragonhawk]

His disappearance online might be because he's avoiding the situation in hopes that you'll forget about it. Just stay firm on wanting to see recent pictures - insisting on webcam is good because that's much harder to fake/photoshop. I can understand feeling self-conscious, but if he's this avoidant about sending a picture, how is this relationship going to be anything other than typing back and forth over the computer? If that's all that you want, then okay - but if you're looking for a real relationship, I don't think he's the guy for you.

[Maya_A]

Hi bebe,

 

When is the first in-person meeting between you both supposed to take place? And is the first meeting the actual vacation he wants to take, or just an initial face to face meeting?

[CallingAllAngels]

Bebe...

 

I read most of this thread....

 

It threw up so many red flags it gave me chills...

 

You are NOT gonna meet this man, are you?

 

What is the latest?

 

Did he ever send a picture?

 

You know that ANYONE can pretend to be ANYTHING they want behind the internet, don't you hon????

 

OMG...please don't even go there...

 

Just be safe.

 

I got a bad vibe about this guy, and Allie is ALL ABOUT VIBES...

 

Please keep posting...

 

~Allie

[lila...]

I'm getting frustrated. This weekend, before I had the chance to say anything, he told me what a horrible week he was having because of problems with his roomates, and today he was very sick because of something he ate, so no way I could bring up the pictures or cam. If I hadn't spoken to you guys about this situation I would have never began getting doubts, now I'm getting all doubtful thinking he's just making excuses or lying about being sick so I can't bring up the pictures, whereas before I never would have thought anything bad about him. But then again I really have NO reason to think bad of him, he's the most sincere, nicest guy.

One things for sure, I'm NOT going to meet him before seeing any pictures of him. Our first meeting is supposed to be some time in the summer. I don't think that's going to be possible because I have other plans and important things to take care of. But I'm going to go study abroad in September and he told me he's going to try and find a job there so we can be closer. So if he finds a job there for sure we will meet, but of course first I'll ask for his picture.

[CallingAllAngels]

PLEASE....

 

Before you meet him, would you carefully re-read what everyone said to you on this thead again?

 

Would you print this out and show it to someone you trust? I know you won't show it to your parent's, but maybe someone else close to you? An Aunt? A cousin? Some other ADULT figure in your life?

 

I am SO SERIOUS here Bebe. VERY serious.

 

This is NOT a game. It's NOT a joke. And you have EVERY REASON to be DOUBTFUL of this man, NOR should you meet him after JUST seeing his picture.

 

He could be married. He could me anything he wants to be. He's hiding something.

 

Just re-think this through with your head. Show this to someone else in your REAL world for a 2nd opinion.

 

And please post again...

 

Take care...

 

I only wish the best for you.

 

~Allie

[lila...]

Thanks for your concern Allie, and for everybody else's. I'm wondering, what is it in my posts that you guys see that makes you think this guy is a bad person??? I've never posted anything bad of him, just that he hasn't sent me pictures. I'm sure he's not married, nor has kids, nor is some psycho or online predator. I can tell and I feel it when I speak to him that he is a very sincere and trustworthy person.

But for everyone's sake, I am going to tell someone about this. I have a very good friend that is living in the country where I'm going to study abroad. He's an adult figure in my life whom I'm very comfortable with and before meeting this guy, I will tell him about him. Even though it's not necessary, but JUST IN CASE, you never know right?