Yes honey, "YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT!"

[Day_Walker]

she's a size 9/10 though - it's not like she is obese or is at a serious health risk. it just means that she could lose 10 pounds. My question is - is he perfectly fit and in shape? does he have a right to talk?

 

I agree that she is not at a serious health risk but there are two ways to lose weight a calorie deficient diet or enough exercise to offset the food normally consumed. This is probably not politically correct to say but I am going to say it anyway, there are instances in relationships where both women and men put on weight and the idea that their partner cannot do or say anything to them is absurd. I dont think that people want their partners to be a size 2 (for women) or have a 30 inch waist (for a men) I think that they just want them to be within a reasonable fluctuation of the weight when they met them.

 

Now I dont know if this guy is in perfect shape but if he is about the same weight as he was when he got in the relationship then I believe he is not expecting anything that he has not demonstrated in the relatinship.

[annie24]

I agree with you - I mean, you can't just let yourself go in a relationship, you need to stay attracted and attractive to your partner. I don't think a size 9/10 is "letting yourself go" if you were a 7/8 when you met. I don't know what fnlyfrei's original size was though. I guess I am just surprised a newlywed husband would say this! Hopefully he is an honest person all around? I would sure hope so! I definitely think he can use a lesson in tact.

 

I can take criticism from someone who has expertise in the area, and can practice what they preach. I just know I would be annoyed (and have been annoyed!) when someone comments on my weight, and they are bigger than me. shheeesh.

[dawn515]

Daywalker,

 

I agree with you as well, but fnlyfrei JUST got married. She didn't gain several sizes in the few weeks she's been married! And yeah, no way a size 9/10 is fat. I've also seen pictures of her, and she doesn't look overweight at all.

 

Perhaps he is trying to be supportive in her efforts, but doing so in a very bad way. I mean, sheesh, she can eat a few lobster raviolis if she wants, and he doesn't need to make it obvious by serving her a third as much in front of a lot of people. If I were in her shoes, that would bug me to no end -- he should just ask her how much she wants and trust that she's in control of herself and knows what she's doing.

 

She works out and watches what she eats. He should not be the police of her food!

[JadedStar]

yeah I can't say I wouldn't be ticked off if my husband made gestures like that in front of others. His fingers might get bitten off.

 

I don't eat much, but when i go out to eat I make up for it. LOL He wouldn't want to mess with my steak! I'd growl!

[sandyv]

Woah, this is a guy who loves you? No way, just isn't right IMHO....

 

Size 9/10 is still petite.... he is a jerk!

[RayKay]

While I agree that as a married/long term couple, that these are issues that DO need to be discussed - both for health, and attraction reasons (though, I admit, my partner and I have never had to approach the issue as we are both very active, eat quite healthy and are pretty lean people - I know we both WOULD definitely address it if it became a problem for either of us), there are certainly FAR more tactful ways to do so, and to discuss it. Such as sitting down and devising ways you can BOTH eat better, or keep healthy foods only in home, and so forth.

 

I am very concerned that he seems to exhibit these control behaviours in front of friends/company....and seems to be treating you as someone whom cannot make their own choices. I did use to be anorexic, and someone doing that to me would trigger some unfortunate consequences if I had not gone through a lot of therapy, etcetera. Now, I would just probably try to teach some tact but if I KNEW I was healthy, in good shape and eating well, I would be quite peeved!

 

And 9/10 is certainly not overweight. My mother and sister are both 8's themselves and very curvy women, but not overweight by any means! They are gorgeous and no one certainly complains about them! Oh, though she did have a boyfriend whom told her she looked three months pregnant - she told him when he delivered the baby he was carrying, he could talk.

 

I am even more weirded out by fact you have been married TWO WEEKS, did he show these behaviours before marriage? And since you have been together about 6 months or so, I can't imagine you have suddenly gained THAT much weight! Because I am rather worried this is suddenly emerging now.

[Siriana]

Hm....

How long did you know him before you got married? (sorry if I missed that.)

[JadedStar]

To be honest, given the fact that you have said you only put on a few lbs, ten at the most, and altho your pic is only a headshot you seem to be a proportioned lady, what would worry me is perhaps he is going to be the kind of man who has a hard time when you begin to age naturally.

 

Know what i"m sayin? If he is freakin' over a few extra lbs, what will he do as the two of you grow old together? He is your husband for cryin' outloud. What will he do when you go thru menopause? Wrinkle? Not that I think you have any worries anytime soon, but these things happen to all of us gals someday.

 

Is he normally a superficial person re looks if I might be so bold to asK?

[Batya33]

I think Raykay's advice and insights are dead on. My reactions to your post were the same and I almost forgot - since it's been so long thank goodness - that I am extra sensitive because I too had an eating disorder when I was in my teens/early 20s (not full blown anorexia but darn close to it). Once I became healthy in my attitude towards food, eating and body image I knew I could never be with someone who made comments like those described in the OP. Well, yes, that's just me but it sounds like the OP has some of the same concerns/tendencies.

[amtjrtcet]

dare he! That makes me mad! Its amazing what stupid things people let out of their mouths!

[Pegasus]

dare he! That makes me mad! Its amazing what stupid things people let out of their mouths!

 

Yup, being sincere and direct is sometimes a bad call, especially if woman's weight is in question....

[caro33]

I agree we can be sensitive about weight - as can men - but there are ways and means. I agree that his approach has lacked tact and he needs to be sent a clear message about the appropriateness of his approach. I would hope that if you did not have a problem with your weight and if you have not really gained much, then he would have a reality check and tone it down.

 

But if you too are saying "I feel fat" or anything that looks like this, he might just be going about his "support" in the wrong way.

 

Either way, I would have a word with him, tell him I did not appreciate his approach and to leave it to me. The excuse "it's just his personality" that I think you mentioned he used to justify things he said that you found unacceptable/hurtful is pretty lame. "It's just my personality" can be said about any behaviour, from the great to the abhorrent. Doesn't make it acceptable to others.

[Siriana]

Yup, being sincere and direct is sometimes a bad call, especially if woman's weight is in question....

 

Omg, I agree.

This one is a special case, not only that he was speaking without thinking, he is actually forcing her to eat less!

If she had any tendency toward anorexia she would be in a set back right now.

[Bonzophuebes1]

umm, sounds controlling. I mean, newly married and he thinks your fat now! What about then. Umm, I really think he needs to see someone to help him control his controlling habits. I mean, why would he marry you if you are over weight and he doesnt like it? umm, odd. This has potential to be worse later, not just controlling your food intake.. It needs to get nipped in the bud now, not later.

[fnlyfrei]

umm, sounds controlling. I mean, newly married and he thinks your fat now! What about then. Umm, I really think he needs to see someone to help him control his controlling habits. I mean, why would he marry you if you are over weight and he doesnt like it? umm, odd. This has potential to be worse later, not just controlling your food intake.. It needs to get nipped in the bud now, not later.

 

He knows he has control problems, he has undergone extensive counseling and it takes a conscience effort for him to back off sometimes...he uses the excuse that he cares so much to back up this behavior....but about this issue especially, I have strongly reccomended he stays out of it. I will lose weight on my own, and faster if someone isn't watching over me or telling me what to do. If he wants to support me and help out at home so that I can get to the gym every day of the week...cool. This is a second marriage for both of us, we are both in our early 40's, and I guess I have little tolerance for being bossed around or controlled, I want this marriage to be a partnership...not a child/parent relationship. This is clearly going to take lots of work, but we love each other dearly, and I am very sure it was a positive choice to marry him.

[russ978]

My new husband has admitted that he thinks I am overweight. I suspected he thought so all along because he would comment on the food I ordered at restaurants,about how many carbs I had.... and when at his mothers he would give me a tiny portion of food...his mother scolded him into giving me more. I am NOT a cow, or huge, I work out at the gym...weights and cardio..

.

 

As long as you are happy with yourself, more power to you!

 

Your husband should not have said that you were overweight.

 

Just because I'm curious...is there a 'good way' to tell anyone that they're packing on a few too many pounds?

 

If he felt it was enough of a concern to mention, this may have been the best way he saw to tell you. I don't know anything about him and his history but he may have just made a typical male bonehead move. Most guys would feel like an idiot in this situation and if you were just recently married, try and let it slide. Marriage is about acceptance to a point isn't it?

 

If he says anything about it again, make him sleep on the couch.

 

I'm sorry you are suffering because of his action that was either malicious, a slip of the tongue, or just a simple mistake.

[DN]

My new husband has admitted that he thinks I am overweight.

Did you ask him or did he just come out and say it?

[DatingIsSoHard]

If you want to know whether you are objectively overweight just calculate your BMI. formula = weight (in Kg) / height^2 (in meters)

example. my height in m is 1.72 and my weight is 66Kg

My BMI = 66 / (1.72*1.72) = 22.3

You are overweight if your BMI > 25 and Obese if your BMI exceeds 30

 

If the whole calculation seems chinese to you then try this BMI calculator:

link removed

[StretchGee]

Your husband should not have said that you were overweight.

 

...

 

If he says anything about it again, make him sleep on the couch.

 

 

Yes. Definitely shut down this form of communication and honesty straight away. Far better to have your husband bury his disquiet until it festers into resentment and contempt.

[Sketch]

I think everyone has given great advice regarding the comments your husband made about your weight. After reading your last post, however, I think the real underlying issue has very little to do with your weight or his comments on your weight.

 

He knows he has control problems, he has undergone extensive counseling and it takes a conscience effort for him to back off sometimes...

So it does sound like he is being controlling, but you knew this going into the marriage...

Everyone has their own opinion, but after reading this last statement my stance on your issue shifted significantly. I felt sorry for you at first, but now I feel sorry for both of you. You really don't have much grounds for being upset with your husband for acting in this way. You knew he had undergone extensive counseling for control issues and he apparently still has control problems. I must commend him for, at least, seeking counseling and taking a positive step toward a solution for his problem.

 

This is a second marriage for both of us, we are both in our early 40's, and I guess I have little tolerance for being bossed around or controlled, I want this marriage to be a partnership...not a child/parent relationship.

I sense this issue will arise in other aspects of your life together. It may not be weight related, but control issues will be at the core of the problem. I wish your husband luck with his counseling if it is still ongoing. I also would like to wish you luck with your new marriage and hopefully with some patience, and understanding you two will be able to work through whatever stands in your way.

Best wishes to you both and take care

[StretchGee]

fnlyfrei,

 

Do you typically respond to issues your DH raises with such extreme prejudice? A previous poster pointed out that the threat of “I’ll leave and lose weight…and that’ll show you” was a bit extreme. (Your initial post sounds like a game from link removed relayed verbatim).

 

Do you typically ‘flip out’ any time your husband raises a concern about something in your relationship? This is not fighting fair. If so, you should be happy your husband is a control-freak as he is likely to keep trying. Otherwise, in response to the ‘nuclear option’ on every issue, he is likely to withdrawal.

 

Trust me, attempts at control are better than apathy for communication in relationships.

[d24]

going out on a limb here and i think he's either

 

1) maybe he's wondering if he's done the right thing in marrying you, and is trying to control you or test you in some way

 

2) pretty much every man has had it drilled into him that once a bride is wed, she'll gain weight and 'let herself go'. this is very true in many many cases. Now I'm not defending what he's said, because he's gone about it the wrong way, but maybe that's his thought process and he's trying to keep you as pretty as you were on his wedding day?

[VoleurDesCoeurs]

Your response to his comment was worse in my opinion

 

either way his problem really is just that his approach has lacked tact. It's one thing to suggest working out and stuff and another to portion your food for you.

 

send him ENA and he'll learn how to deal with this in a more polite manner lol.