Yes honey, "YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT!"

[fnlyfrei]

My new husband has admitted that he thinks I am overweight. I suspected he thought so all along because he would comment on the food I ordered at restaurants,about how many carbs I had.... and when at his mothers he would give me a tiny portion of food...his mother scolded him into giving me more. I am NOT a cow, or huge, I work out at the gym...weights and cardio..

 

Anyway, I know how much weight I need to lose, and never asked him to coach me or be my personal trainer...and it highly irritates me when he watches what I eat. I don't even want to eat around him anymore. The last time we went out to eat he presumed I wasn't going to have anything and proceeded to order...I had to interrupt. Jerk.

 

He claims that he is "supporting" me....and he can't help it....even though I have told him that I am sensitive about someone else telling me what to eat, etc....I have lost weight JUST FINE on my own in the past.

I find it controlling and none of his business. In fact, I told him if he left me, I would probably lose weight very fast...and find someone else in a nanosecond. He claims he loves me EVEN THOUGH I have weight to lose...."unconditionally".....and that if I can complain about my weight, what's wrong with him doing it?

 

Why did he marry me a few weeks ago if I was so not up to his standards?

 

I want to lose the weight for me...not for anyone else. I have a feeling that my looking perfect is going to be a project of his. Oh boy.

[annie24]

sheesh! your husband of 2 weeks said that to you? I'm sorry, that's just not nice. I've seen photos of you, you don't look overweight at all. maybe i'm mistaken, but are you actually overweight? was he like this before you two were married?

[fnlyfrei]

Right now I am like, a size 9/10....I am not morbidly obese or anything. Yes, he was quietly like this before we were married...I guess now he feels he can openly say it. I slept 100 yards from him on the bed last night.

[JadedStar]

I find it controlling and none of his business.

 

Hmm, there is a fine line here. While I do think it insensitive of him in the WAY he is handling this, I do believe that our spouses and SO's do have a vested interest in our weight and appearance. It is easy to say that if someone loves us they should never be concerned over some extra weight or what have you, but truth is we cannot always control our attraction. If my hsuband gained a lot of weight I don't think it would change how he looked to me, but honestly I don't know. I have never been attracted to heavy people so if he sudeenly got heavy, I don't know it might have a bearing. And no I am not saying YOU gained a lot of weight, I am sure it is not much at all...I've never seen you so I couldn't make that call anyway. He would not have just married you if he didn't love you and the way you look.

 

I think that what you said to him "In fact, I told him if he left me, I would probably lose weight very fast...and find someone else in a nanosecond" is just as insensitive as his remarks about what you are eating. Think about how HE must feel? You are saying if you were with someone else you'd be motivated to lose, but not with him, the man you love.

 

I think that there might be some communication problems at play here. Well based on this post there HAS to be. He loves you and would like for you to be at your healthiest weight but has a poor way of communicating that. ALtho annoying, his comments about what you are eating are I am sure because he has your best interests at heart even tho it comes out sounded heartless. You apparently love him, or you would not have married him, yet you tell him if you were not with him you'd lose the weight fast and find someone else.

 

You can't see how you are both being very cruel to each other?

 

 

We do have a vested interest in how our partners look as we have to sleep with them and be intimate. There is nothing wrong wtih wanting that person you are intimate to look their best, and many people feel if the person they love gains weight they are not looking their best or being their healthiest.

 

I can't see just coming TOO hard on him just because he is not the best communicator, but let's say he were more savvy wtih this and instead was mroe subtle like some men and said "honey why don't we go work out" or "honey let's try going on a low carb diet"....wouldn't the intent be the same? The thought process of a guy who puts it that way is i can assure you the same. As a matter of fact guys who are concerned over their girls putting on a few lbs, that is exactly how we tell him to broach it.

 

So the thing is, he isn't communicating this well, but I think his intentions are fine and he does love you. Just wants you to look yuor best. I think you two, especially since newlyweds, should really think about the "words" you are saying to each other. Both of you are being hurtful in this instance.

[annie24]

did you tell your husband that while you appreciate his "support", that you would feel a lot more supportive if he didn't try to control you and just let you lose weight on your own schedule and terms?

[ElektraHere]

Oh man! I am so sorry you have to deal with this. You should be riding on that honeymoon jet stream.

 

I have also seen pictures of you and I didn't think you were overweight?? Does he have a certain standard and now thinks that you are married he can just place that upon you now?

 

Controlling someone or harping on it just leads the other person to rebel and do just the opposite. Does he not know this?

[miss bliss]

I don't blame you for being annoyed by him. I could understand him mentioning your weight as an issue if he were concerned about your health being affected. However, the fact that he's continuously monitoring what you eat and badgering you about it constantly, is not right. Also, the fact that you are engaged in a healthy workout regimen should be enough to assuage his concerns if he has any. It's extremely inconsiderate of him to remark on every morsel of food you order when eating out. Trying to withhold food from you is downright controlling!

 

You are not anyone's project and he should be ashamed for making you feel that way. I would talk to him and explain that his behavior is irritating and that you are old enough to pick and choose what to eat.

[Miss Firecracker]

In fact, I told him if he left me, I would probably lose weight very fast...and find someone else in a nanosecond.

 

I get the feeling something is wrong with your attitude. Do you really love your new husband? Seems to me if you would lose weight to find someone else, you would do it for yourself and this husband.

 

Of course you didn't say how much you weigh or how tall you are.

 

My husband has gained weight in the last few years, and I have suggested he do something to change it. I wasn't cruel about it, but I did tell him if he was eating too much and why I thought so. Strangely enough, he finally saw the light. He has gradually changed his diet, just a little at a time. And about two weeks ago he started going to the YMCA with me. He is going to wear me down I'm afraid because he's going more than I USED TO.

 

I think it's hard to sit by and see your mate eat like a hog when their belt is about to break.

 

Just thinking how your husband may see it. Of course you may not be overweight, I don't know.

[JadedStar]

See you are like me. I would do the same thing. I would tell my husband he was gaining weight and might say things that sound insensitive but it would only be because i loved him, wanted him to be healthy and look his best, and also because I have to look at him and sleep with him. I wouldn't "nag" him but I would say a few things if he were eating a lot. If he said the same to me, sure my ego would be bruised, but the anger I feel would not "REALLY" be at him altho it would seem like i was mad at him. the anger i felt would in fact really be from my own inabilty to control my portions.

 

I think our spouse's should feel close enough to us to say these things. I see all these posts from men terrified of letting their girlfriends or wives know how they feel about even a few extra pounds and I know my advice is always "be honest with her".

 

I think women can get away with telling men this more than men with women simply becuase we women can be more sensitive to it.

 

I will say this - i would be far MORE hurt if i told my husband to watch his portions and he told me that if he were with someone else he'd lose it in a heartbeat then i would be if he told me i had a few pounds to lose. The latter would make me wince and feel sensitive, but the former remark would probably make me cry and REALLY REALLY hurt me terribly.

 

I think your husband is only guilty of not having strong communication skills. He could be handling this much more sensitively, but let's face it, we know that men are not always the best wordsmiths with their wife or girlfriend.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Wow. He's not being very tactful.

 

I think it would be prudent to make it clear to him you don't consider is methods helpful. And make it clear that he has hurt you and that his actions are making you resent him. If he tries to use the line about looking out for your health or whatever, make it clear that he's not being caring, he's being controlling.

[itsallgrand]

Maybe this is a mutual freak-out about the fact that you are now truly, really married?

 

Why did he marry me if....I was so not up to his standards?

 

Do you eat to cope?

 

Does he try to get control of situations to cope?

 

If there is love here, and no serious questioning about the marriage, I might try turning this fight into something playful.

You can give him specific suggestions for how he can help - with the request that he drop the ones he is using now - and they can be fun for both of you.

 

If it's deeper than the topic he chose to pick at this moment, then that's different.

[Dako]

I'm impressed you could get so ginormous in 3 weeks.

 

I'd guess it's part of settling in to married life.

I hope.

[Day_Walker]

Considering that I dont know the history of your relationship, I can only say that his approach was wrong. If you dont like then dont be passive aggressive instead you need to tell him. At some point if you are married he has a right to make some comments but you have the same right to comment back.

[Rabican]

Theres 2 ways to look at this.

 

1. he means well, and he is just concerned about your health/ appearance but he unfortunately has all the finesse of a bull in a china shop. meaning he says and does all the wrong things but his heart is in the right place. Ya know...

wife: honey does this make me look fat,

guy: Ah... well baby thats not the best look for you...

wife: Oh I knew it, you think Im fat...

 

sometimes this is just one of those areas where a guy cant win.

 

Or

2. Hes a jerk. You need to sit him down and tell him that by not letting you order food, or proceeding to decide how hungry you really are for himself hes acting like a total jerk. If he cant help it, tell him he can just help himself with it comes to laundry, cooking, cleaning, and sex for the rest of his life until he stops acting like a jerk.

 

That said, if you do have a weight problem try to do your best to curb it.

[fnlyfrei]

For the most part, I am okay with myself. I have some jeans in my closet that I want to fit into again, but I am not a pig by any means. I work out at the gym at LEAST three days a week, more if possible...

 

I do not eat garbage...sugar or twinkies or bags of chips....

 

I could kick most people's butts in cardio. I weight train. I have never had an eating disorder...and really do not want to start at 41 by having someone who is supposed to love me watch every bite I eat.

 

I refuse to be passive-aggressive. He just cheesed me off because even after I asked him to mind his own business he proclaimed that it is "in his personality" and he cannot help himself. I guess that will have to change.

 

And NO I never asked him if I look fat. I just noticed that he really doesn't like me to order actual food in a restaurant...and when putting food on my plate, everyone else gets 6 lobster raviolis...and I get two. (hint there???)

And the advice about carbs I never asked for....

 

So yeah, I need to ignore him, and he needs to take care of his own developing beer belly. I just need to be strong, and not take it personally...however a person does that....

 

Thanks for most everyone's input.

 

 

 

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[CarnelianButterfly]

I don't think anyone who would try to deny a person food should even be allowed to say anything about concern for that person's health. He has no concern for health if he considers skipping meals a means to lose weight. That's one of the most ineffectual and harsh things that could be done to a body.

[Miss Firecracker]

If he's doing this in front of other people, that is pretty degrading.

 

And I don't think he has anything to worry about. I looked at your photo. He's pretty lucky because your are gorgeous and look VERY healthy, vibrant even.

[redrose85]

OP- I am in a similar situation, where my bf and I realized that we had both put on a bit of weight, and I find that I really don't want the support. I don't want to feel guilty for eating a bag of chips or for buying a donut once in a blue moon. I see no point in going through life, depriving myself of my favorite things. I'm thinking that we have pretty similar body types, and we seem to have very similar physical activity levels, etc... So I can definitely relate to this. Your husband definitely needs to be more tactful. Maybe he is feeling kind of chunky lately, and is feeling insecure? Hardly fair that he'd turn the focus over to you though... I dunno about you, but the last thing I need when I'm feeling fat is a significant other taking note of every little thing I'm eating. And I eat very healthfully. Does your hubby work out too? If not, you should take him to the gym, so he can see how awesomely fit you really are, even if you're not a "perfect" size 6 While he sweats and struggles...haha

[Miss Firecracker]

Support doesn't mean taking food from your SO. In fact, if I tried to pull that my husband would have let me have it. I NEVER, ever took food from him or told him what to order. I have made suggestions, and if he didn't like them, he'd tell me to buzz off. We never got angry about it, and he knows I'd never leave him if he weighed 500 lbs. He knew he was going downhill fast, and he was getting very overweight and just to the point he didn't feel enthusiastic about life anymore. He was 190 and hadn't admitted it to me until today, since he can now say he is 181. And he had not exercised in years at all.

 

This is a different case completely. You are working out, lifting weights, living a VERY healthy lifestyle. I just don't understand at all why he would be giving you a hard time. And I hope you won't let him anymore.

[fnlyfrei]

I won't. I tried the starvation diets when I was younger...and that's the end result. I looked emaciated and starved...no muscle mass...skin and bones...thought I looked "hot" until I saw a video of myself with the kids...UGH!

I discovered Body For Life about four years ago. I LOVE how people look when following that regiman...well toned, trim and glowing with HEALTH ! Instead of at deaths door.

 

It was kind of funny this evening....entertainment tonite had Tammy Faye...in her last days of cancer weighing just 65 pounds...poor thing...and a story about a plus size model who dieted down to 98 lbs....bulimia. I hope he saw that none of that is pretty. It's very sad.

We are taking our three teenagers on a mile long hike in the mountains tomorrow...as a family. Cool eh?

[Miss Firecracker]

I feel sorry for all the starving women competing to get this sickly look. I'll never forget a few years ago when I picked up a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. I almost fell out looking into the eyes of death. No telling how many women who are young now will end up with brittle bones and damaged vital organs.

 

Poor Tammy Faye. When I saw her this week I knew it would be a matter of days. You have to admire someone who can make a joke about her eyelashes hours before her death.

 

I believe she did weigh about 65.

[redrose85]

that's very cool. I hope you guys have a great time

[Day_Walker]

I don't think anyone who would try to deny a person food should even be allowed to say anything about concern for that person's health. He has no concern for health if he considers skipping meals a means to lose weight. That's one of the most ineffectual and harsh things that could be done to a body.

 

A person has a right to comment on issues within the relationship. It may not be right that he made this comment but the guy is certainly allowed to make the comment. Denying a person food isnt going to kill them, smaller portions would probably be more beneficial to health. However the issue here seems to be the old adage that a person cannot comment on a woman's weight. It is not a shame or even bad to comment on a persons weight like anything else it is the way the person does it, instead of the act itself.

[annie24]

she's a size 9/10 though - it's not like she is obese or is at a serious health risk. it just means that she could lose 10 pounds. My question is - is he perfectly fit and in shape? does he have a right to talk?

[JadedStar]

fnlyfrei, you are a very pretty woman, I still just think your husband is guilty of just not having tact. There is probably litle doubt that he loves you and thinks you are gorgeous, he would not have recently married you otherwise.

 

I really liked itsallgrand's suggestion of turnign this into somthing playful and see if that helps. JOke with him like "when you are a perfect ten then we'll talk" or "keep your hands off my plate if you value your fingers" or things like that. Sometimes joking helps to take the edge off of things like this.

 

If that does not work and he just really IS being a control freak, then counseling might be in order. Your marriage is way too new to be feeling the way you are.