The great "WAIT" debate.....

[fnlyfrei]

I am 41 and my fiance' is 42. We met in September, and are getting "hitched" in July. I have seen posts and responses admonishing anyone who wants to marry until there is a very long waiting period, counseling, certain "tests"...

 

How long have people here dated, been engaged, lived together before they married? Have you known anyone who dated and married after only knowing each other for a short time? What was the outcome? I am looking for responses from both sides. Just curious. Thanks !

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Is there any particular reason why you two have decided to get married so quickly? I think it is difficult to base your decision on what other people have done. I have seen marriages go sour when the two people have married quickly and also when two people have known each other for a long period of time. I have also seen marriages work out even if the marriage was quick. It really depends on the two people involved.

 

The fact that you are asking this question leads me to believe that you might be feeling uncertain about your decision. Have you ever been married before? Has he? Is there a possibility that you are marrying quickly because you just want to be married? Are you two compatible? Do you love each other? Do you know each other's strengths and weaknesses? Have you seen each other during bad moments as well as good moments? Do you communicate well? Have you come to an agreement on financial issues? Are all the skeletons out of the closet so to speak? I think these are the questions that are more important to ask.

[shes2smart]

I met my husband online at the end of August 2001

 

Met for a r/l date end of Sept 2001.

 

He proposed a week later and we were married in July 02. (about 6-8 weeks short of a year when he had first messaged me online)

 

Before we ever met each other, we had both decided individually that we wanted to be in a relationship leading to marriage, so when we met and everything else clicked...well, that might be part of the reason things moved "so fast."

 

5th anniversary coming up in another month or so, no major problems in the relationship (although we have gone through some major situations including money issues, picking up and moving halfway accross the state, health issues, ex-spouse issues, etc...those circumstances have only served to bring us closer together and give us a real "it's us against the world" outlook)

 

All in all, I'd say so far so good.

[fnlyfrei]

Okay, why does there have to be a "reason" for us to marry? We do love each other, which I think was supposed to be the basis for marriage...right? If you want to look at the whole institution of marriage, on a completely analitical or logical basis...no one would be married, right? It's a choice...and we are going forward with the best of intentions and hopes. There is no sure thing. Skeletons in the closet? That's a bit silly to assume two people at our ages would go into a marriage completely clueless....

No relationship is easy. We know this.

[Jayar]

To be honest, I don't think your engagement was quick at all! It's not quantity of time, it's quality. These long 3+ year relationships frustrate me because man, if he hasn't proposed by the end of that you're now that much OLDER!!!

 

You met 10 months ago. If the guy I was with wasn't at least THINKING of proposing to me by then, I'd cut him loose. I'm just not into these long drawn-out relationships that MIGHT possibly end in marriage one day before I'm 80.

 

So there's a different perspective for you.

[boringname]

Just a quick question...

 

what will you have after you are married that you couldn't have without it? what is it that you find so important that it can't wait a few more months?

 

Just playing devils advocate really... I am a believer in general that doing what feels right generally works out.

[Beec]

I don't really think two people at the ages you are at getting married within a year is too fast, but it's quick.

 

I married about 1.5 years after we began dating, and 21 months after we met. That time felt right for us.

 

I think so long as you are prepared to love, to do what is right for each other, even when you want to strangle each other, that you will be fine.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Did not mean to offend. I have just seen a lot of people in their forties (and even younger) who go into marriages for reasons other than love. No need to bite my head off, I was just giving some food for thought given the nature of your question and why you would be asking if you were so sure of your decision. If it doesn't apply to you...great. I wish you both all the best.

[hosswhispra]

I am 41 and my fiance' is 42. We met in September, and are getting "hitched" in July. I have seen posts and responses admonishing anyone who wants to marry until there is a very long waiting period, counseling, certain "tests"...

 

How long have people here dated, been engaged, lived together before they married? Have you known anyone who dated and married after only knowing each other for a short time? What was the outcome? I am looking for responses from both sides. Just curious. Thanks !

 

The brain fully matures at the age of 24. Since you guys are over 24, I really don't think it is too soon.

 

I think it's normal to question whether you're making the 'right' decision when it comes to marrying someone.

 

Are you having second thoughts for any reason?

[EvaGina]

IMO, do what feels right

its YOUR life...

 

Good on you Fren, and cangrats!!! -hug-

[fnlyfrei]

Just a quick question...

 

what will you have after you are married that you couldn't have without it? what is it that you find so important that it can't wait a few more months?

 

Just playing devils advocate really... I am a believer in general that doing what feels right generally works out.

 

Well, firstly, I had been in a relationship where there was going to be no marriage, I was doing all the things a good "wife" was supposed to do, but since there was no commitment really on his part, he was released from all responsibility to reciprocate..he felt...at all. No worries, I learned from that and left. The worst part about it was, we both had kids involved. Very bad.

I have two children still in school...14 and 16, I vowed I would NEVER live with anyone unless there was a serious commitment, and a wedding...hence, we are madly in love, we live far apart, and we want to live together...we both wanted the same thing. Rings, vows, a life together. He wants to help steer my sons in the right direction, and is a very good role model.

 

So....we aren't cohabitating until after the wedding and I am his Mrs. I really don't "get" people who live together and think that it is much different than a marriage anyhow. It is a mindset. When you are married it says to me...even when things are at their worst...we are going to try. No one is trapped, no one is marrying for convenience, we are both equally yoked. We just would rather have each other there.

[boringname]

That sounds like a good set of reasons to me. Congratulations and I hope that you are very happy together.

 

In answer to the original post - at least in a way - my longest relationship that did not work out was 3.5 years, I personally would be nervous about marriage before this - however I was in my early 20's so perhaps it is not a perfect example.

[fnlyfrei]

Did not mean to offend. I have just seen a lot of people in their forties (and even younger) who go into marriages for reasons other than love. No need to bite my head off, I was just giving some food for thought given the nature of your question and why you would be asking if you were so sure of your decision. If it doesn't apply to you...great. I wish you both all the best.

 

As you know, font has no tone, and I wasn't intentionally "biting off your head"....I know you were playing devils advocate too...I guess this topic reminds me of deciding to have a baby...if anyone really thought about it too much and considered all the variables..they would not do it. Too scary. (ie,. what if the baby has a birth defect? what if the child has this or that problem, what if we cannot afford it? What if the kid grows up to be a serial killer?) Many don't, and that's their choice. Many people never get married either...same thing. Some people are afraid to leave their house.

Much of this is romantical thinking, hoping, positive thinking and silliness...and love.

[heloladies21]

So much doubt...

 

It's absolutely necessary to live together before getting married, to see if it can work. It's a lot different to have someone far away living separately than to have them in your home waiting for you every day and all day on the weekends. It's like buying a car without taking it for a test drive.

[hosswhispra]

So much doubt...

 

It's absolutely necessary to live together before getting married, to see if it can work. It's a lot different to have someone far away living separately than to have them in your home waiting for you every day and all day on the weekends. It's like buying a car without taking it for a test drive.

 

"Living together before marriage has not proved useful as a "trial marriage."

Interesting finding (from the Rutgers Marriage Project):

 

"People who have multiple cohabiting relationships before marriage are more likely to experience marital conflict, marital unhappiness and eventual divorce than people who do not cohabit before marriage. Researchers attribute some but not all of these differences to the differing characteristics of people who cohabit, the so-called "selection effect," rather than to the experience of cohabiting itself. It has been hypothesized that the negative effects of cohabitation on future marital success may diminish as living together becomes a common experience among today's young adults. However, according to one recent study of couples who were married between 1981 and 1997, the negative effects persist among younger cohorts, supporting the view that the cohabitation experience itself contributes to problems in marriage."

 

 

For the rest of the study's findings:

link removed

 

And some more:

link removed

[heloladies21]

lol

 

An academic study of male-female interactions...I've never known something so unreliable. A couple of people doing their best to make their study as PC as possible to avoid losing their grants.

 

No thanks I'll choose common sense over the PhD's.

[hosswhispra]

No thanks I'll choose common sense over the PhD's.

 

lol! You're an emotional thinker on this, heloladies21

 

I used to think more like that too. Then a certain PhD kinda rubbed off on me (although, I will always be an emotional thinker on some level). He's extremely analytical and sees everything logically....

[fnlyfrei]

I really do not agree that cohabitation is good ~for me~....

 

I believe that when we marry and create a new household together we are going to work harder than if one person moved IN with the other and we did not marry. We are both changing our lives equally...we were both single, dating, and had our own "space"...now we are going to share most everything...we have to get over ourselves, we have to compromise...we have to....IF we love each other and wish to live together for more than five minutes.

 

Another reason I would never live with anyone again....my sons. Nasty divorce, custody battle....moving in with a complete narcissist-sociopath jerk, realizing my mistake and moving them AGAIN..to where I am now....on my own. I vowed not to move an inch in a relationship unless the other person was willing to accept them, and me, and an equal partnership and a marriage. I found that person. I have been through too much to let this be a silly whim. I have put him through "the test" as it were...and he passes and surpasses all my expectations and dreams. If the laws of attraction and positive thinking are as true as they say, this relationship is going to be wonderful for us as a couple, our children...our grandchildren...and for the lives we touch in the process.

 

To say that you can "test out" someone's love is a complete crock. If you aren't in it all the way....it definitely will not work...because you don't believe in it enough to invest yourself completely. You leave room for doubts...and like they say....if you say it might not be possible...you have already failed.

 

I have seen dating/relationship situations where the female hopes she will be asked to be married....and it never happens, they break up and he later meets someone that he knows a week and buys her a ring...they are married within a month. If you know, you know, if you have doubts, testing it out won't work.

 

I do not have to live with my fiance' to know if it will work out. I knew within the first month or two that it would. And what clinches the deal is that he feels the same way....

[southerngirl]

First off CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT!!!!

 

Okay and now to your question. You wanted to know if anyone had firsthand experiance in getting married 'quickly'.... I most certainly do and would like to share some of my world with ya if I may.

 

First of all lets go back to before my mother was born. Her parents met at a dance. He was from another state and she lived in a small town in Florida.... Anyway, that was their only contact in person until they actually married. They corresponded through the mail. (could we compare that to our internet today?) They did this for six months after which time she ran away to meet up with him and they went to a courthouse in alabama and told the judge that she was pregnant. She was 16 and he was 17. They were both virgins and had been living together for perhaps 48 hours? They eloped and less than seven months after first meeting.

 

They were married until the day he died 50 years later. She passed away 12 years after that and had not even stopped wearing her wedding bands. That was quick, and they were so in love.... even to the last.

 

My brother married his wife over 10 years ago. It will be 11 years in a few months. My family freaked out because he met her and married her 4 months later. Whos to judge? They are still married now. They also did not live together before marriage for more than a month.

 

Now even more personal........ I met my husband on the internet in Aug 2002. We were just internet friends with no intention of making it any more than that, however in Nov 2003 we talked on the phone and I found I was falling for him hard. We had not met in person, so I told him that he must come to see me or I would not even talk to him on the phone anymore because I was feeling things for him, well........ he felt the same and was there to visit me within 2 weeks of that conversation. 642 miles separated us at that point. He would drive to see me every few weeks, and we would talk on the phone every night after that. Three months later, after seeing eachother face to face only a handful of times, he sent me tickets to fly up and see his home and where he was from. He proposed. We were married 30 days later bringing us to March 04.... We just celebrated our 3 year wedding aniversary and I have yet to regret even one part of that.

 

If it feels right go for it. I will tell you what my mother told me when I was asking myself the same question. I said mama, should I come home and have a long engagement and plan this right? She said hon, you only live this life one time.... don't wait. You do what feels right and if in the end it didnt work out, you lived.... We were married one week after that, my mother died six months later.

 

So fnlyfrei, you do what feels right. If in the end it doesnt work out... you LIVED!!

[fnlyfrei]

Wow southerngirl...those are great stories. !!!

 

Here is ours:

 

I saw him on a dating site, he wasn't a member but had his email encrypted in his profile. So I sent him a mail. I wasn't too sure about his profile either...he was really pushing the "I WANT AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN" part...which I thought was a bit much..and he came accross as a shallow and maybe a player. And yes, he was very attractive looking.

Months went by and we did not contact each other after the initial contact, I was dating someone on and off...so I never set up a meeting.

A few weeks after the dating relationship offically ended...I received an email again...from my (now) fiance'...telling me this was my last chance to contact him...that he wasn't trying anymore. So I mailed him back and told him why I hadn't contacted him. We mailed back and forth and finally talked on the phone. Firstly, I loved his voice. We had a very nice conversation and we set up a meeting. But we never set up an exact time. I never went. (I was nervous...unsure..etc) We talked again later, I apologized and we set up another meeting at a coffee shop. I coudn't find it. I was almost two hours late. When I walked in, a very handsome, blonde, gentle man was waiting for me, he had blue-grey eyes and dimples! He gave me a hug and we sat down and talked...for almost four hours. Then we went out to eat....the first meeting started at 12:30 and ended around 6. It turned out we grew up in the same state...(not this one) and lived only 30 minutes apart.

 

We almost did not meet. I am glad he waited for me. I think I knew not long after we met that he was special...it was just a feeling. The feeling is still there. I am excited to marry him and start our new life together. I have waited for him for so long !

[shes2smart]

We almost did not meet. I am glad he waited for me. I think I knew not long after we met that he was special...it was just a feeling. The feeling is still there. I am excited to marry him and start our new life together. I have waited for him for so long !

 

My first impression of my husband (from his online messages to me) was, "What an arrogant little twit."

 

Lucky for me he was a persistent arrogant little twit.

 

When we talked on the phone, I realized what I interpreted as "arrogant" was, in fact, "smart a**"....and I am quite fluent in "smart a**"

[amtjrtcet]

My two cents:

 

I don't agree with those who say "You should wait at least ____ yrs to marry" or "you should live together for ____ yrs first." My parents met in the month of Jan, fell in love and were engaged in 3 months and married in 4. They were more in love then anyone I know. If my father was still alive they'd still be just as strong.

 

When you know you know. Why wait?? I waited, for 6 yrs with my ex. Got nothing, so I left.

 

I've been with my man for a yr and I'm ready whenever he is. He could ask me today and I wouldn't hesitate to say YES.

[ghost69]

My two cents:

 

I don't agree with those who say "You should wait at least ____ yrs to marry" or "you should live together for ____ yrs first." My parents met in the month of Jan, fell in love and were engaged in 3 months and married in 4. They were more in love then anyone I know. If my father was still alive they'd still be just as strong.

 

When you know you know. Why wait?? I waited, for 6 yrs with my ex. Got nothing, so I left.

 

I've been with my man for a yr and I'm ready whenever he is. He could ask me today and I wouldn't hesitate to say YES.

 

you are the product of your parents it seems. they went in quick, so you might feel the same. just how you are brought up is all. nothing wrong with that. i think this is why so many people have a timeframe or no timeframe in their head.

[fix-what-you-broke]

met my partner, had long distance relationship for 1 year, moved in together 4 years ago, not married, not engaged.

we have had "the" talk, and we have both been thinking more about it.

it all depends on whats right for you as a couple.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think the advice to wait before marriage is based mainly on the fact that if you haven't had enough time to really get to know the person and it is a mistake, it is far harder to get divorced than it is just to break up with someone you haven't tied yourself too emotionally, financially, and legally.

 

i think the wait period is also to make sure you really know the person and what you're getting into, and have had sufficient time to see them in lots of different situations to see how they will react, and whether that is compatible with you.

 

the wait also weeds out some people who are not honest about who they are, i.e., they can't hold onto a fictional persona as easily as more time passes.

 

so if you feel you know him quite well and have seen him in lots of situations where he reacts in a way that you think is appropriate and good for you, no reason not to get married. however, if your assets are greatly unequal (you have a lot more than he does), it also pays to have a pre-nup lest the marriage not work out, and the spouse tries to pluck you like a chicken in a divorce.

 

if the assets are relatively equal and will stay that way, then a pre-nup usually isn't necessary, but if there is a big financial discrepancy between the two, it might be a good idea.

 

marriage can be great, but it can also be a disaster, so i think that the real trick is to try to do your due diligence to check the person out, and if and when everything looks good, and you love the person and have been proven compatible as a couple in a variety of circumstance, then whenever that is, is the good time to get married.