PuzzlingItOut

I know exactly how you feel. I've gotten some great support here and would like to give a little in return. Take your time. Go VERY slow. Really evaluate what you want and whether or not this guy can actually give it. Find out what he wants and think HARD about whether or not you can give it. Don't push yourself too hard. That's really all I can think of to say. Please keep updating how its going. I haven't met anyone yet since my last b/f, and I too am scared. Good luck!

Sweetheart, how long has it been for you? You sound like an angel - so unbelievably strong and serene. Tell me what happened to you, please?

oh sweetheart! You make me cry! It is too hard not to answer when he calls... although I hate to keep it bland because I don't want to crush whatever strength he may be trying to muster. Imagine how hard it must be to apologize for hurting someone like that. I think one of the reasons that he has such a hard time admitting he is wrong is because to do so would tear down the illusion that he is an unimpeachably wonderful guy. Not too long ago, he managed to tell me that he'd gotten cold feet and that was the source of all the drama. It felt good to finally hear him take responsibility for wrecking a truly great love. Sweetheart, thank you for comforting me. It really helps to know that someone out there really does know what it's like. And I would like to believe that someday love will come to stay, but I am so scared. I am not doing very well surviving this loss and I can't take it again. I can't willingly expose myself to the users and abusers in the world. I am afraid. It took all of my strength to stand up and declare my love for someone who was confused and hurtful - I thought I was doing the best thing for both of us - I didn't see how any relationship could work unless someone stuck out their necks. And then - I promptly got my head cut off. Ugh. Thanks guys.

Romanticism - to me, this is when someone expresses awe over their loved one. Often, this comes in the form of 'I remember when you ...'. You tell the loved one that they have made a mark in your life. Something they did, said, are - made an impression. When you tell that person about it - you are being romantic. Also, when you try to give the person you love the same experience about you - that is being romantic. That is why women want flowers. They want the man to make the gesture - to make an impression. 'For no reason, he showed up with flowers and told me how beautiful I was. He looked at me like I was the best thing he'd ever seen'. Like that. There is one time that we recall as the most poignant moment in our relationship and we remind each other of it. We were looking out on the river late at night and it was as still as a mirror - we had never seen it like that before. The city was perfectly reflected. It was like glass. My mother had died ~ 6 months before that and he turned to me and said 'She is here with us now.' We cried together that night - I knew how much he cared for me and I would have killed for him. I don't think we'll ever forget it - even though we are no longer together it still comes up in conversation. Now that is romantic. The most romantic gift is one that reminds the recipient of a very intimate moment. Gifts that remind you of a special time, trip, day. Gifts that focus on the best of your times together. Lesser romantic gifts are ones that can only be given by people you are closely involved with, personal items like lingerie.

Hi Scout, Thank you so much for replying. We were together for 2 years and he had asked me to marry him in November. We had always talked about getting married and having kids (he initiated these conversations) - we really wanted the same things in life. But things got very strange - he started behaving horribly toward me - HORRIBLY. Demeaning, insulting, dismissive - you name it. I finally stood up for myself. That precipitated the break up. I just can't believe that a man who felt strongly enough to go out and spend a lot of money on a gorgeous ring would 2 months later feel that it wasn't worth trying to fix. He hasn't even tried. He's been very immature and hurtful. He's blamed me for everything and has been very insulting regarding my family. I've tried to explain that he can't treat people like that and expect to retain any relationships. Recently, I asked if anyone in his life had confronted him with his making a huge mistake by ending our relationship - his answer was no. I pointed out that his temper would keep people from doing that - no one contradicts him, it's not worth losing an eye. Part of me realizes that I can't be with someone like that. But there is another part of me that loves him dearly. I realize that none of us are perfect - we all need forgiveness and understanding and help. I thought he was just flawed enough and just loving enough for me. We were a fantastically matched couple. Both intelligent, professional, average-looking, strong willed, very attracted to each other - same sense of humor. I wish I could explain all of the reasons I loved him and all of the reasons it failed. I don't know what to say - I don't know if I can give anyone a clear picture of the relationship or my feelings. -P

Hi all, My ex-fiance and I broke up right after Christmas this year. It was terrible and I have suffered a lot. I am not the same person anymore. I still think of him constantly - our relationship was so amazing. I've tried to make repair attempts but I haven't gotten anywhere with them. Depending on his mood - I get acceptance from him and warm and fuzzy feelings. If I make the slightest noise about wishing things were different, there are time when he just slaps it back into my face - that I and the one who called him or whatever (whether or not I did - ha, sometimes I get told this when he calls me!) I think what is the most difficult is when I am strongest, lightest, most casual - he comes up with the puppy dog eyes and starts talking about missing me. What is up with this guy? Committment phobe? Just toying with me? I don't know. It eats at me when he does that and my feelings of missing him too will get to me and before you know it, I've called him (to get the perennial 'I don't know' and 'You called me' ). We are currently in the 'he called me a couple of days ago (very nervous and sketchy sounding) to tell me that he had seen a movie trailer for a movie he thought I would enjoy and would like to see' mode. No invitation to actually go see the movie and he didn't want to stay on the phone at all. We had gone to lunch with each other a few days before that. The lunch was casual (except for his pointing out that the restaurant was playing 'our songs' and his declaration that he missed me with accompanying puppy dog eyes). Honestly, if this guy were to show up on my door step and say 'I made a mistake - I want you back' - I would immediately grab him and try seriously to never stop kissing him. But do I believe it'll happen - no. I've gotten caller-id and am seriously thinking that the only way for me to remain sane is to never answer his phone calls again. I don't know what else to do. I am afraid to date again. I don't want to feel this way again - ever. I mated with someone and then they are gone. It freaks me out that I could have let someone into my soul who can be so very far away from me emotionally. I am sorry for rambling - but I need some backup. Never to speak to him again? What do you think? Or how do you keep your sanity with someone teasing you emotionally? Thanks, Puzzled beyond all reason

It's amazing to hear men speak this way. You would be surprised how many women think about just about every man they see. We generally only actually focus on half of the people we say anyway - so that 50% percent that we see, well - you are being checked out. Here's some advice. Look at women as though they are on television. In other words, pretend that they can't see you looking at them. Just tune them out completely - and look. If a woman knows that a man sees her - she'll help things along. It's not that hard. The same goes for women. Actually looking at a man can get you pretty darn far. So please try that - and if you are concerned about how you look - well, Suzy was right. Sure, when I was young and stupid - pretty boys looked great. But now that I am a woman - I am far more attracted to and aroused by ORDINARY men. As an ordinary woman, I feel far more confident with ordinary men. I feel flirtier, sexier, HAPPIER and I do TRUST them more. Good luck, guys. Please come out of your shells!

I am so darn angry right now. I am angry, I think, at myself. I hate feeling like this. I am taking it out on everyone around me. I get to see the therapist tomorrow and I have to ask his advice on the ex coming to a session. I just started therapy and he did recommend 2 great books. Well, 1 great book - the other one is about the 7 principles of a happy marriage. HA! There is no relationship. Ugh - I hate my life I hate myself. I feel like a stranger. I feel like I spent so long trying to make him happy that I have forgotten how to be happy myself. I'm on the verge of tears and I just want to blow something up. Why why why why why. What makes people do this to each other? How do you go from being engaged and trying to move in together to this? HOW? I just want some answers. That's what therapist is for - cuz ex sure isn't talking. GROAN. I can't tell if visiting this site is helping or hurting. All I can do is read everyone else's heartbreaks and I am convinced that he hates me. I can't stand that. I still don't know whether to take him to therapist or not. What am I going to do? Where's the manual on this stuff? Where is the switch in my head that I can just turn this off?

THANK YOU THANK YOU! Next dilemma - we had talked this weekend about me seeing a therapist b/cause I want to understand why I am having a hard time with this. Now get this - he wants to go see the therapist with me. I told him that I was not sure that I wanted him there with me. To be honest, I can't understand WHY he would want to be there. I am afraid that he's going to do something to humiliate me like break up with me again (which I find annoying since we AREN'T together). What should I do? Should I take him to the therapist with me? He said that he'd want to see the same therapist as me. What is going on? I am nervous as anything about this decision - can anyone help? Thanks!

Okay - so I called and apologized. Short and sweet - just I am so sorry for what I did and I felt terrible about it. Apology accepted and he forgives me. Conversation lasted about 3 minutes. Back to NO CONTACT!

Oh sean! I just did the same thing Wed. night! I feel terrible now - I am trying to practice 'forgive yourself, forgive them' but right now - I don't feel very forgiving of myself. Dumping on the ex isn't going to accomplish anything (I thought it was going to make me feel better - get it off my chest) and it certainly isn't going to make them like us. Aren't you glad, though, that you are NOT currently dating her and she's doing that with another guy? You are free! When you start thinking that way - call your friends (NOT hers) and get them to talk to you about it. I'm blunt with mine - I tell them that I want to call and they talk me down. Get online here and vent. Think about the problems that you had with her and how you were unhappy. Do something constructive - if its late at night GO TO SLEEP. I keep a book next to my bed that is SO boring I fall asleep before I can read a page. I keep a letter I wrote nearby that I wrote in my more lucid moments that reminds me that things end and its just the way it is and that this time is normal and will pass. And now that I've found this site, I can reply to others and it helps me to do that too. Don't be so focused on her that YOUR golden opportunity passes you by. Be positive about yourself and the things you want to do. -Pio

I am dying to call him and apologize for the last contact where I gave him a hard time. For a little more link removed story so far Can someone please help? I feel like I took a guy who might be thinking about trying and stomped all over him! Or am I fooling myself? You could hear how irritated he was that I had called him after he had come home to a barrage of voice mail where I told him off and told him that I was leaving voice mail cause I didn't actually want to talk to him! What am I - a child? Help! Please!

I think you need to be very careful here. He is still seeing soemone else. Please don't become part of this guy's harem. I think it's great that he's called to see how you are BUT I am very suspicious of the whole missing you sexually thing. He wants you to drop by? And he misses you sexually? BEWARE. Just focus on being friends and don't try to force yourself to be his friend. If you get too involved with him right now - you'll be competing with some other woman. And you don't need that. You are fine just as you are. Don't call him. If you are afraid of what you might say - just don't answer the phone when it rings. Let the answering machine get it. You can call your friends back. Don't play his game. Good luck!

HELP!!! time since last contact = 3 days:10 hours:27 min:35 sec So far so good on the no contact - I guess. I feel terrible about giving him a hard time though. I left it on the terms that if he REALLY REALLY thought things were too good to leave then call me - otherwise I couldn't be his friend. I just couldn't do it. I said that I had accomplished what I'd wanted to which was to give him this book and deciding whether or not to keep a relationship. I also said that I needed to focus on what I'd learned from the book - remember the clarity I got from it. Why is it so easy for them to screw up our heads? I was just fine and then - bam he brings up things that lead me to believe that he feels the same way I do (did?). I want to get on with my life because I do not believe that I can trust him with my heart anymore. If he were to come back now and say 'yes, yes, yes' would I really agree? I am afraid of the answer. I am afraid that I would jump right back into his arms. Geez, I've got the backbone of an earthworm. I sure hope you guys can offer some words of advice - please? Did I do the right thing when I said that I can't be friends? Or did I screw up since he's actually thinking about the relationship in terms of it might just be too good to lose it? HELP!

Wow, after spending a lot of time reading everyone's posts - I feel like such a fool. OF COURSE I am pushing him away! Oh my! I feel like calling and apologizing for being 'Fatal Attraction'. I was fooling myself to think that it was okay for me to get all twisted up about how he was acting and staying aloof. I'd call him and bash around emotionally - like I did the other night. GROOOOOOOOOOOOOAN! Ugh. what's a girl to do. The poor guy is talking about thinking it through and he is reading that book I gave him about how to decide whether to stay or go. So I should just be a good strong girl and wait - right? Ugh. If only I weren't such a pig right now. House is wreck, child is bored, face is spotty! What happened to that sexy sylph I used to be? God, I'd just love to go on a date and be seen out by him. But truly, I can't seem to handle being close to him. He invariably says something that seems so innocent 'I miss you', etc. and there I go off the deep end again. Ugh. Have sprayed oven cleaner into oven in foolish attempt to get life in order. It'll probably be there a week from now. Time to hire a maid. Right, I'll do something terribly productive RIGHT NOW. Wrote little javascript to track how long its been since we've spoken (I called him but honestly did not know 'No contact' rule) = 2 days:16 hours:0 min:9 sec. Would make me feel so much better to have it say 12 days or 22 days. One day at a time, right? I don't hate self - but not terribly fond of self right now.