IAmFCA

Day 4 has come and gone. It is straightforward doing this without having to ignore reminders. Read your part Kiara, and I felt similarlike about my guy. Decided that what I know is now, the future will show itself. If he is that guy, I'll reclaim him and vice versa when the time is right. Right now, he is not that guy and that is all I need to know.

Day 4 will not be remarkable plus I have a good date tonight He is clearly also in a place of NC and that is as it should be.

day 3 done. I needed to research someone else on the same court site where I sometimes would check on mr wow's progress. i plunked in his name, looked up one key item, took a sec to see no changes, and moved on. it had no lasting impact whatsoever and in fact i really wasn't interested in what i was doing. ever since that switch flipped on Sunday night, he has feels like the past. Don't get me wrong, if I had him back in the my life it would be like nothing else. But that is because, if he were in my life, it would mean he figured out that he is worth it. He would be a different guy. This guy? Gone, over and done.

I might have added - this was uttered last Friday night. ! Silly.

2 done 3 begins Reminder to myself "I can't imagine my life without you," he said. Well, you will begin to know you will be okay, I suppose, and I will be freed of you.

Day 2. A low risk day.

Day 1. I think this might be important. It's a mr wow diet. Replacing investments in Mr wow with investments in myself.

Mom, You love me! Thank you, I

I am terribly sorry for your pain. I do hope you have a way of moderating the light on a computer screen, if indeed you are looking at one. I have heard of meds working for some; I wish it were a more reliable aspect of science. I wish you well.

Hi Mom. Remember the one who wanted me to go abroad, and after we broke up, you beat me in tennis by saying his name gently? lol that was so you and so very effective, and funny too. Nobody ever was like that again, ever. And he wasn't for me, too unrooted whereas I wanted roots. Now, its the same, only with roots. I think I am supposed to walk away, Mom, I think that is the wisdom here. But my everything tells me, no, this is right. That three years from now, this will be exactly right, and that I may as well enjoy the journey there, together. Keep working on that stupid little brain of his please, the one that aced the SATs but can't think his way to see my POV. Its funny... yeah so he's got this other friend. Uh huh. When he thought I was receptive, he began texting me like I was always connected, the same as when we were dating. Little bits of joy about his day. Confessions. We agreed early that we liked keeping an unbroken thread. I am still home. Get some sense into that head of his, will you? I've asked easier things of you, I know. But you loved a slew of hard heads, so I have faith in you. xo

Mommmmmmmm!!!!!!!!! Here is the thing. I know you would like him just the way he is. So do I. But not right now. Maybe he is leaving me alone so he can be a gentleman about it. Or maybe he is waiting for court tomorrow to find out what his ensuing schedule will look like. Or... maybe I will never speak to him again. All outcomes are okay, Mom, because I am okay. But really, Mom, can you please make this right. Pleeeeaaaaassssseeeee? Army guy and tall guy both seem nice enough and stable and athletic and all that. Not sure any have the energy level, and you always noted how few had the energy level and the values... it isn't as though I don't get attention, nor that people are interchangeable, and it isn't as though I think this is my last shot at it. I know I am happy I know I will love over and over because you gave me that gift. This one is like one of your own. He is. It is uncanny. His mom is there too, perhaps you've met. Maybe the two of you together can intervene? Not even on my behalf, but on his? Help him see the way. Or maybe the two of you are trying to teach us something? Please, if you could please help out down here, one of us is drowning and the other one is losing a playmate. He is in pain, Mom, and he shares your natural playful twinkle in the eyes and Dad's entrepreneurial bend, and a dedication to provide for his family. He doesn't have his mom as a centering force, and his dad gives counsel but it isn't the same. Just like Dad, his Dad accidentally communicated that his love was predicated on performance. Of course it is unconditional. You know this drill Mom, you've been through it a few times. He thinks he is losing faith in God, hasn't been to church since Christmas, refuses to talk with the Monsignor because the Monsignor is socially prominent. Just like you said, too much involved in Earthly matters. His faith is there, somewhere. Mom, this is your strong suit. You've got this one. May I please entrust him to your care? He reminds me of your brother, your nephew, you son, he is one of us. Even if I never talk to him again, it remains as if he fell off of our family tree. Please fix with your peaceful heart, Mom. Let him know his trials are okay, that they will lead somewhere, if he will yield to the lessons. So many lessons, you will need to walk with him for a while. It worked with me, Mom. We can talk it out, if you want, over Scrabble and ice cream later. Or not, it really isn't my business after I introduce you. Thank you thank you thank you. I feel there is a reward here, a spiritual payoff. One more person in chaos restored to order. Thank you Mom.

I've been thinking that I should be posting here, but I'm not, because... I actually am not talking to you. Not pretending to not talk to you. Just actually, not talking. Not even in my head. Oh, I miss playing with you something fierce. I've said all there is to say. I'm talked out. I got nothing. So pthhhfff. Not posting.

Mom, I went walking and talked to you. I hurt today, I miss having your face looking at me, giving me comfort just by your presence. I had a crisis of faith today, for the first time ever. What if there is no heaven? What if I am not being looked after by you? What if I am really as alone as I feel? This hurts twice over. Am I doubting you, am I alone, have I lost something I will never again have? That question made me stop. My energy flags. Will I ever find that love I am looking for? Am I staring at it, blind to the obvious? I deserve to have it come together. Also, have written off - again - an intimate life. Don't know why. It feels like the right thing to do. I'm tired, Mom. I know if you are watching me that it hurts you to watch me get so close and then end up alone again. I don't get it. I think it must be as big as the trees and the sky, something so big I am having trouble seeing. Will try to look without looking, see what I see. When he texts again, mom, may I please ignore him? Just simply never respond again? Ever? I sort of wish I could just move home, but there is no home. You were my home. I guess the thing to think about is, I AM home. I think having it all ripped up at this time is difficult. And yes, may your memory be eternal.

The best. Lol. Guess the best friend isn't such a bestie after all

Hahaha I'm not contacting you.

IAG, great post. Actually, to my ears, it sounds like the beginning of a deep love affair, one that will last a long time... With yourself.

Nice! You could bring fresh fruit and serve it with whipped cream for dessert, if you want to bring something additional.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could make it better.

Popping in to say how much I am enjoying this discussion... thank you ladies

I just dont know how to respond after you send me strings of text attesting to my singular qualibis and your continued distraction by them. You are, does it need to be said? Married. Why do you think yourself in love with me yet marry someone else? You know I am choosing to be a one-man woman. It's delicate, me and my man. He loves me yet he is cautious. I am falling in love certainly, but sometimes I feel vulnerable. I realized tonight you texted me as I was arriving. Midnight. I shut it out of mind and forgot until now. How many times must I draw a line, shut you out, reject you? Once- if I never respond. So, I bartered time with you away, in exchange for a promise from a friend. I'm sorry pal, I love my man, at least at some level, and I am protecting him from you. It's my job and my honor. I thought it was just sex with you. You always said it wasn't and it never felt it was, but then you married and what was there to think. You can not pine for me. It is not appropriate.

My dear, I traded out my agreement to see you chastely for my best friends agreement to go to the doctor. So, now I can't see you, assuming she gets to the doctor. Not sure how I'll break it to you, but something will come to me by then.

Dear ex I think you are trying to be friends? I am not sure. I would be the first woman in your whole life that is friends? I don't know, I am not sure where this can go. Willing to let it unfold. I never have figured you out, or maybe I have and it is just that simple. I hope it is changing for you. - Me